I don't know how much my input is worth, but I've found (by trial and LOTS of error) that letting my H know the negative reactions his behavior causes in my kids just makes me the messenger that he'd love to shoot. If he gets the reaction straight from his own child, fine. If its from me...its my fault or at least, my fault that I would "try" to make him feel worse than he already does. So I just encourage the kids to talk to their dad, do stuff with their dad. I'm out. Its hard to do, though. I find myself getting jealous of their time together still, but hey! I'm not perfect!
So anyway, maybe it should be left alone unless your child wants to talk to his dad on his own about his feelings. Just my 2 cents.
Proud of you for your 5k! We have a 12k here that is one of the biggest timed public road races in the world. I didn't do it this year, but its a fun one! You even have a place to stay! LOL!
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Nice work trying something new and brave. I've always thought about it, but never did it.
It's hard shutting up when we see our kids neglected, abused, hurt, abandoned, etc... For me, some days I handled it better than others. In fact, I lost it a few days ago our D13 learned her dad thought she was turning 15 on Weds. She is turning 14. It was hard to see her cry over this man who hasn't seen or communicated with her, except a Christmas car and birthday card for 2.5 years.
My exH left 4 years ago. This December will make 5 years since BD. He is a vanisher and has had little involvement with our two daughters. He has slowly come around with our oldest. She is 22 and has some similar struggles to his own--so, I guess she is the safest one to contact and he has begun to talk to her sorta regularly, but still with minimal effort.
I don't bring him up. That's their relationship.
Don't beat yourself up for not handling this perfectly. This slow process is about progress, not perfection.
I'd say a 5K is a huge leap forward for your own growth. Congratulations!!!
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Thank you for your replies, I really appreciate everyone's input.
Job - I guess I'm angry with myself for being abrupt with MIL because I know it's not her fault at all. She has been extremely supportive, talking my side and giving me really useful advice. Obviously all that before her diagnosis, I could not dump my problems on her while she is battling cancer. If anything I wish I could do more to support her!
Jack3beans - I'm really not sure what he needs to know regarding the kids or what he wants to know. Since going dark I've sent him no photos or messages of the kids unless the children specifically asked me to. In those two weeks he has not bothered to contact me about the kids at all. I'm trying not to read much into that, but it's not great, is it? I'm trying to shield the kids from it all, talking about their dad in the same way as before.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Ciluzen - you are so right. If I tell him about this I will be the bringer of bad news and it will give him more reason to bbe angry with me. Awhile ago I told him about something S8 said and he didn't even acknowledge it. Why should the newest comment make any difference?
LoisB - thank you for your post. It must be so hard to see out children suffer and not being able to do anything about it. I wish I could show H how his actions will impact on us, our children, our families... But I know I cannot. All I can do is to give him space and time to work out his issues and flight his demons. Stupidly I still love him, and I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I really need to work on keeping those expectations at sub-zero though, I really do...
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Esame- your self awareness is spot on. Good to keep your expectations in check and allow him to deal with his issues. I know it's easier said than done, but you're still doing good work.
second, congrats on your 5k! I'm so proud of you and your efforts. You've been working toward this and you did it! Woohoo! What's next on your goal list?!?!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
I've started a high-intensity interval training (HIIT) running program. The first session was too hard, but possibly that's my fault as I jumped to the advanced workouts. I'm restarting the intermediate workouts today, hopefully that will be challenging but doable without me worrying I'll have a heart attack.
MIL had her chemo yesterday, it all went well. Just one left to go, just one. I'm so proud of her, she is such a strong woman.
No news from H, IDK if he decided to visit his mum or not, but he hasn't bothered to call the kids even once. I'm re-reading AmyC's posts and that helps a lot, getting an insight on how he thinks helps me understand how he feels.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Congrats on the 5K. That's huge and I can only imagine how fulfilling your sense of accomplishment is.
Glad to hear your MIL is doing well.
I wouldn't say anything to your H about the kid's comments. Your H is totally focused on himself right now and it wouldn't make any difference to him. You just need to convey to your children that they aren't responsible, they didn't do anything wrong and their Daddy loves them ... he just needs some time to himself (or something similar that's appropriate in your sitch).
Hang in there and stay strong.
{{{HUGS}} 2T
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Thanks 2T, that's exactly what I'm trying to do. I'm being as neutral as possible. It is easier at the moment anyway since we are on holiday, but it might be tricky when we get back home.
I've been struggling a little lately, mainly not being able to sleep and being a little temperamental with others. I know I need a break, the last few weeks I had to keep up the appearances to my family and friends but it is taking a toll on me. I'm making plans to do things on my own as soon as we return home, I really need to relax more, I am so tired all the time. I'm spending all my time with my children, my niece and my nephew. Even though I despise summer activities I need to make sure the kids have the best time possible.
Sorry about the rumbling post, like I said earlier I'm struggling a little and I'm feeling a bit confused with everything.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Less than a week to go before we fly home. I'm so apprehensive about the future, I have no idea what my life will be like next week. I'm trying so hard to not be angry with H for putting me in this position but it's difficult. So many things to ignore, the OW, the betrayal, the lies, the loss of my old life and future we had planned together. I want to be strong, but I've been pretending everything is ok for the whole summer, and it is so hard keeping up the appearances. I hate lies, and I lie every day to my mother, to my children, to my MIL, to my grandparents. And for what? For H to keep lying and cheating on me and even ignoring our children. And I know I cannot tell him about any of those things, but I'm human and I'm hurting. He was my best friend for 16 years, and I miss sharing things with him. I wish I could get some rest, one night of good sleep would help me so much. I'm emotionally drained. I feel like I have worked so hard, and I'm at such a good place with myself, but I feel helpless when it comes to the relationship. I wish we could talk, I want some answers, some honesty. I'm still "dark" not initiating any contact and he is enjoying his holidays abroad, on his own not even calling the kids once. And I'm supposed to be back home next week, accepting all his demands, being civil, polite, not initiating talks. But what about my sanity? Why shouldn't I just kick him out and start over. Why does it have to be so hard?
I'm sorry about the rant, as the flight date gets closer I get more worried. I woke up the other day dreaming that we were having a relationship talk and I was saying all the wrong things. I guess I'm so frustrated, maybe when we are home and I have the space to mourn for everything that's lost I will be able to move on, maybe I will have to ask him to leave. Tonight is unbearable, I had to use all my self control to not send him a message about my feelings, posting here helps me get all the stuff I don't want to say to H off my chest.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Esame, You can come here and rant all you want. That's the beauty of the forum.
Esame, don't look too far ahead, take each day as it comes because things do change very quickly in life. It's hard because you still love the man, it's hard because his empathy chip is broken and can't see or doesn't care how you are feeling about the situation, it's hard because you spent so much time w/him and now the future is up in the air...but you know what? You can hold your head up high, back straight and walk the streets knowing that you are not the one out there doing the naughty. You are the strong one here. You have chosen to honor your vows and continue to do so. At some point, what's going will come to light...I know you've been keeping things under wrap this summer and that's been a very hard job to tackle. Hopefully, next week will be a bit better.
When he returns home, he may very well want to chat. Esame, I am a firm believer that when a door of opportunity opens, then step over the threshold and address some of your concerns. For example, you may want to mention in passing that he was missed by all. Did the children miss him at all? Did they ask about him? If they did, you can casually mention this to him.
Esame, you are human and if you didn't worry about things, I would be concerned. It's your call if you want to ask him to leave, but be prepared for him to say no. Just make sure you've got your ducks in a row when it comes to the finances.
I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
