Chapter 4 - Acting As If

[doodler]

I'm tempted to send a text to apologize.

Apologize for what?

[fightin]

I'm with Doodler, I don't think there is anything to apologize about.

[PacLove]

No Apology needed - as for letting her get off the hook - I was in the same predicament for the first 6 months, when she finally moved into a permanent place I said that D10 needed to spend her nights with her (instead of the family home). It was emotional at first but it also helps her realise the gravity of the situation and also gave me some time and space back.

WW's don't really see us as "doing all this work" they are in their fantasy world and me putting a boundary down of D10 having to stay there has created ripples into that world and a dose of reality.

[bigybiz]

So glad I've matured a little and you guys are all here. I did not send any messages at all. When I see her on Tues night, I'll see if she brings it up and try and be as positive about it as possible. It's up to her to interpret what she heard and she can act accordingly.

PacLove. I think my W sees that she is missing out. Not sure if any loss is being felt. That's why slowly she has been inching back into our lives. Maybe it's cake eating, maybe remorse, not sure. This summer she offered to do housework. I said don't worry.

Now she's started again.

Any thoughts - is it cake eating, remorse, testing, etc? Let me know your thoughts - ladies,Sandi2 What do you think

[PacLove]

Bigybiz - I struggle with this, my W does this every now and then too but a lot less now. I kind of let her - they say to give is an expression of love and when you give you feel good. I may get chewed out for saying that here, but there's a lot of research on it.

If she offers I let her but I certainly don't ask - and I'll say a polite thank you in the end. The important thing is boundaries, if it starts to infer on your personal space that's where I'd push back - and have.

I think in some ways it's eating away at my W - I don't let her come by the house anymore so instead of her being able to help out I'm now getting "friendly" reminders about this, that or the other. I used to never get those. I simply reply with a "thanks for the reminder" usually an hour or two later.

There's always going to be some cake-eating going on, it's a question of what you allow vs. not allow. For instance in the beginning I was washing her car, filling it up with gas etc... stuff that "inconvenienced" me and really did nothing for her or our R. I've now moved more to stuff that is mutually beneficial (ie house, finances etc) and generally only when it's convenient and doesn't take me out of my way.

My W has only been officially out since beginning of Oct (half moved out since April) and since then hasn't really made a habit of coming by the house and I more or less told her I didn't want her as we need to respect each others space. (she wasn't willing for me to have access to her place, so why shouldn't I expect the same?)

[SH_]

So glad I've matured a little and you guys are all here. I did not send any messages at all. When I see her on Tues night, I'll see if she brings it up and try and be as positive about it as possible. It's up to her to interpret what she heard and she can act accordingly.

Please answer doodlers question.
What is it you think an apology was needed for?

PacLove. I think my W sees that she is missing out. Not sure if any loss is being felt. That's why slowly she has been inching back into our lives. Maybe it's cake eating, maybe remorse, not sure. This summer she offered to do housework. I said don't worry.

I think you are still mind reading and speculating on everything she does, thinks or feels.
Cheeseless tunnel.

Now she's started again.

Any thoughts - is it cake eating, remorse, testing, etc? Let me know your thoughts - ladies,Sandi2 What do you think

I'm not sandi, nor one of the ladies, but I am here sharing what I have shared with you all along my friend.
It's time to move forward with you.
She has fired you as her husband.
You know this.
You will benefit much by moving forward and doing you, without any thoughts or expectations from her.
There can not be any loss, if you keep doing what you have continued to do.
She see's you as much the same.
Trust me...as I am catching up on your pots, I see much the same from bigybiz.

The more I read in here in the DB community, the more I see one of 2 things.

1. LBS that finally let go and move on with life.
These are the ones that on occasion the WAS/WS see's what they are missing and try to come back.

2. And I see the LBS that continues doing much of the same mind reading, game playing and over analyzing every little thing as if it is a game...I have not seen an WAS/WS return to this...Well, I have seen the return of an WAS/WS in some of these cases, but I have also seen the LBS in each of these return here again shortly after because it tends to fall apart.
Maybe the WAS/WS felt sorry for the LBS, IDK, but the pattern is pretty consistent.

Detach...let go...focus forward..



Still pulling for you my friend.
please go and read your threads and see the pattern...then break the patterns...cheesless tunnels in the pattern.

“To conquer oneself is a greater task than conquering others” – Buddha

“You only lose what you cling to.” – Buddha

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.” – Buddha

bigybiz, what are you doing for you? What are you doing to love yourself enough to move forward and become the man only a fool would leave.
I challenge you to focus on this, in the place of your expressed desires for her to feel loss...you deserve some peace...I think you are seeking it in the wrong place.

Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without. -Buddha

[bigybiz]

SH:

Thanks for the reply:

To answer doodlers question - I was tempted to appologize for hijacking the conversation. She called about x - I started talking about Y. The entire convo was less than 3 min, I've not lost any sleep over it. And like a few things in my new life. I fought my gut instinct, talked about it with you all, moved on and left it alone. I did not bring it up again.

SH - Is there a thread from the LBS from the group #1 you mention. I'd like to glean what I can from that group

SH - I'm doing lots for myself, my kids, my family, clients, etc. You are more up to date on my accomplishments, new activities, adventures, etc. Nothing makes me prouder and no one can take it away from me.

Am I detached - not yet. Am I moving away yes.

[bigybiz]

Help needed:

I just picked up S10 from W. S10 informs me that W has set up another email address for him (he already has one that we both know about).

My feeling is that she should not have done this without some kind of heads up to me. There may be a good reason for this, it seems not very respectful to me.

I've told S10 -that I'll deactivate it. I've done nothing so far. I'm tempted to call W and say. There maybe good reason for the second email - it would have been more appropriate for you to get my input. Then work out the details.

FYI: When boys and I were meeting the family Counselor he made it very clear that children should not be the messengers between the separated parents. I reminded the boys about this.

Input needed. Needed to vent.

[bigybiz]

In the last 7 weeks there has been a change in her. She started volunteering to do our laundry (since our basement is under construction), she asks me for a ride back to her apt after her visitation, When she comes over she helps with cleaning, etc.

So I've changed a little too. I've let her eat some cake. She participated in 50% of the Christmas activities with us. I let her talk about what interests her.

I've kept up my GAL. All my projects are still in high gear. I'm being consistent in what I do and how I do it. etc.

Are we on the road to reconciliation - It's way to early to tell. Is she feeling remorseful - I don't know.

After watching the LRT videos in early November I really took to heart what MWD was saying. Somehow I've got to strike a balance between letting her feel the loss and question if her addiction is worth it and giving her a small open window to reenter her old life.

I've got to change some more - I just need to make sure it does not have me backtracking.

[PacLove]

Hey BB,

Stay positive but focus on yourself. I also noticed subtle changes a few months ago with my W but didn't push and just kept about my own business. Then she opened up the R talk this past week!

Everyone works on their own timeline but now's not the time to push anything with her, just keep showing the open door but that you are moving on.