Chapter 4 - Acting As If

[Melo]

More than likely we all will brother.

[bigybiz]

Today's question.

Since W has moved out, I've been mom and dad. I've been taking care of the boys, running the house, etc. To be honest, although it's tiring, I'm enjoying it.

When it hit me. MWD says that relationship are see/saws. Since I'm doing everything and I don't consult her for any decision.

I don't want the hassle of getting her involved and I certainly have taken over everything she used to do - Halloween costumes, computer set up, etc.

Here is the question. Am I letting her off the hook?

Am I as much an enabler as the friends that are telling her she deserves better and her kids will be OK and she gave up 15+ years of her life for her family and it's her turn now?

[j20a00g]

Why does it matter? What I mean is, don't focus or worry or stress about her or what she's doing or not. Sounds like you have it covered.

[bigybiz]

j20a00g:

Thanks for your reply. You right. It does not matter too much I think. I'm doing all the work - so she could take a long walk... and no one would notice. I have filled the void. Quite frankly I could move another female in and it would all be good. Except that my son's would have to go spend time with W.

On the other hand. if MWD says that relationships are see saws and if one person is doing all the work - the other gets off scott free. Then am I not practicing good DB/LRT/180?

And to be honest - I don't know what works.

[bigybiz]

Well, the basement floor is smashed up, the plumber has cracked the old clay drains, the house smells like <use your imagination>, there is dust on every surface on the main floor.

Starting a basement renovation is a great way to keep your mind off W and MR. Maybe foolish with respect to what could happen i.e. house being sold, etc.

But, it's also a great way of showing W that I'm moving forward. I think.

[bigybiz]

How do you know if what you are doing is working?

Could it be that things are changing? Keep reading and let me know.

I've been as distant as I can be for the last few months. We don't text/email. When she comes to the house. I don't engage her in conversation at all. She asks me how I am. I give a very positive answer. I don't ask her how she is. I only talk "family business" if she brings it up. There are many loose ends that I'd like to address i.e. Christmas break, family photos, etc. But I've zipped my lips.

She comes to the house - collects s10 sometimes s16 and drops them off. I have offered her a ride home - she has refused, so I stopped offering.

On Halloween she came over and "pitched in" - see earlier post.

In the last week she has started to get involved a in the house, way more than she has been. I've also, not let her.

Last week she cleaned the bathroom and did the dishes.

She asked how the work was coming in the basement. I invited her to come down and have a look. She and I stayed downstairs for 15 min and discussed/brainstormed, etc.

She bought a new shower curtain and installed it

We have no laundry machines currently, so she volunteered to help with that. Washed and folded two loads on the weekend.

So is something changing? Is it her guilt? Is she feeling left out? Has my DB/LRT/180 working?

Any and all insights are welcome.

[bigybiz]

Took another step in my GAL. I had my first guitar lesson. Rock On.

[AndrewP]

Two words - Pete Townsend

[j20a00g]

How do you know if what you are doing is working?

Could it be that things are changing? Keep reading and let me know.

I've been as distant as I can be for the last few months. We don't text/email. When she comes to the house. I don't engage her in conversation at all. She asks me how I am. I give a very positive answer. I don't ask her how she is. I only talk "family business" if she brings it up. There are many loose ends that I'd like to address i.e. Christmas break, family photos, etc. But I've zipped my lips.

She comes to the house - collects s10 sometimes s16 and drops them off. I have offered her a ride home - she has refused, so I stopped offering.

On Halloween she came over and "pitched in" - see earlier post.

In the last week she has started to get involved a in the house, way more than she has been. I've also, not let her.

Last week she cleaned the bathroom and did the dishes.

She asked how the work was coming in the basement. I invited her to come down and have a look. She and I stayed downstairs for 15 min and discussed/brainstormed, etc.

She bought a new shower curtain and installed it

We have no laundry machines currently, so she volunteered to help with that. Washed and folded two loads on the weekend.

So is something changing? Is it her guilt? Is she feeling left out? Has my DB/LRT/180 working?

Any and all insights are welcome.

It's working....remember, YOU are the focus. You are stepping outside of your comfort zones and doing new things. Also being a great dad and thinking less about what ww is doing or how your decisions impact her.

I have been able to kinda of grasp that successful DB is me being stronger and more independent and human than before and if at the "end" it saves my marriage then that's gravy.

[bigybiz]

Well today I may have taken a step backwards. S10 was sick with W on Saturday. Sunday she drops him off and leaves for a company retreat. Despite we have been NC for months, she send 3 or 4 text messages wanting updates. I give short factual responses.

This am she calls wanting to speak to s10. Normally I am happy to hand over the phone. But this am S10 is not up yet (I let him sleep in as he was sick), the concrete truck is here pouring our new basement floor and there is a wheelbarrow in the kitchen, etc.

I tell her, what is going on - then I ask her when we are going to meet to discuss the outstanding issues from September, and I wanted to fill her in on our Christmas plans (which I'm sure she won't like).

I'm tired of when she wants something it's a priority - when I want something it's not.

She concedes and says we can meet briefly on Tues when she picks up the boys and/or a meeting on Wed.

So I may have backtracked a little. I'm tempted to send a text to apologize. What do you think?

I was not at my best. If I was dealing with a neighbor, friend, etc and that happened I would apologize.