Chapter 4 - Acting As If

[bigybiz]

This past weekend (Sunday) I hosted a birthday party for S16. 20 of his friends took over our backyard. It was great to see and be part of his life - even as the hired help!!

Earlier in the week W and I had some flare ups, the key learning for me was when she told me that S16 told her that he did not want her to come to the party. Further, when she asked if she could make his cake (W is an awesome baker), he told her "No thanks - Dad is doing it". FYI I've made 4 cakes in my life - all part of the recipe testing.

S16 took these actions for his own reasons ( I did not bring it up with him). It could be he did not want to create a conflict between W and I, it could be he was not wanting mom involved, it could be...

I'm hoping that this could be the kind of loss W will need to experience to become remorseful. S16 is gentle, soft spoken, thoughtful, etc. I know it would hurt me immensely if any of my kids told me that I could not be at their "Big Birthday" and I did not do all the work on the day they arrived.

I know to expect nothing, I'm not competing and I certainly know that my kids attitudes and opinions will weave back and forth, but it's still a shot in the arm.

[RosaLinda]

Wow two W-less birthdays this month! You're such a good dad to host this party for your son!

Bigy, our kids hear and see a lot more than we think. I bet your S16 told his mom that she was not welcome to his party because of the pain she has caused in his life, and his sisters' too. But on your making his cake instead of her - did it ever occur to you that he may have loved the brownie like cake you made for your own birthday? Yup, that's the one I would choose too How did it turn out this time?

I hope you're right, and this WILL be a wake up call to your W to see the pain she is causing, and to feel remorse at the consequences of her actions. But maybe she's not ready. No expectations, as you say!

Acting as if suits you, my friend.

[Surfer]

She responded with "I forced her to make this choice". I just left that alone.

Good. Typical re-writing of history. Word for word we all get that one. Ignore it - you did the right thing.

You have to let her feel the consequences of her actions. I agree. Keep up being the great Dad you are!! It's hard I know. But you will be fine. The kids will respect you for this.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Bigybiz

Having read some of your sitch I am way further on with a W that has done similar things. I can tell you this, if she is the same, I believe she still loves you. She is just lost. My W lifed in the loft (yours the basement) for 2 years. It doesn't matter which room, it will be the same behaviour. Does she appear unhinged at times, not there mentally?

My W spewed and raged a lot. It stopped when she moved out with the kids. She now talks to me more. I am using the time to GAL and I am happy. She is seeing me happy and I believe is liking what she sees more. She is also asking me for help with things and I am helping, if it suits me. Be careful not to confuse cake eating with being kind. Always be kind.

I am taking the kids off her hands tomorrow to go to the cinema. This will help her get things done. But why not, she will be grateful and she will feel warmer when she sees me as I am caring for the kids and her.

You do need to detach first and let her see you are getting on with your life.

I am happy and you will be too. I hope to reconcile but if we don't I will be fine and so will the kids. W will struggle if we don't get back together and I get the impression she is starting to feel this a little.

All the best mate.

Surfer.

[Jersey1]

I find your son's action troubling. You are in a no win situation with regards to his and his mother's relationship. Perhaps you should mention it to his therapist, that you view it as a potential problem, ask him/her to explore it with your son and then drop the issues. Have you addressed this issue with your coach here?

I have read elsewhere that a marriage is between absolute equals. That within a marriage there are no gender roles except obvious biological one's. That how the roles where handled are between the spouses and only the spouces.

It would seem your wife feels she was assigned a role with no real imput from her. That discussing it with you is a lost cause. In the end she will fill the role you and her children have assigned her. She is caught in a box with no way out.

If this the case you doing what she asked does not address the real issue. Have tried asking her "so what do you see as the options"? Notice the "s" at the end of option? Ask her for three options, chose one and discuss how to implement it. All three are options she chose. How to implement it is discussed and act on. Can you see the difference?

[bigybiz]

Surfer: Thanks so much for you post it means lots.

You and the second person that told me that she still loves me - it's just that she is so full of resentment and her other stuff that she won't let it out.

To answer some of your questions - no she does not appear to be unhinged and/or not there mentally. She is very good at being detached. As we know the WAW/MLC/WW has had years to develop this where the LBS has to do it quickly and consciously.

I really struggle with the line between being kind and cake eating. I'm so tempted to "nice her back" but, I know that won't work. I've invited her to have meals etc with us (as she feel's disconnected with the kids). Sometimes she says yes. I've told her I'm going to stop inviting her since she has declined more than accepted.

Her narrative is that she is on her own,I'm against her, everything she has achieved it was on her own and despite my trying to sabotage her and I'm trying to control her.

Further, since I live in our house with her kids, dogs, etc - this fuels her story that I forced her out. She won't give up this narrative until she decides to.

She does not see her behaviour as an issue. I'm doing my best to not let it impact me.

Right now I'm acting as if I have gone on without her. Someone I spoke to said my current approach is "look at all the fun we are having".

As long time followers know, I'm doing my best to present myself and the family as we are going on without her.

My only goal is to reconcile. I believe that with my whole heart and it's how my faith directs me. I won't be fine if we don't - on the other hand I don't know how long or when I will give that up? Years, after D after she remarries???

Until then I'm trying to be removed/detached. I'm trying to be "business like" she sees it as controlling. I've taken Sandi2's words to heart that I'm not her secretary.

I'm going out of my way at times to show her how easily she can be replaced i.e. me taking on the role she used to play and going on with projects and activities without her. Only time will tell if it works.

Thanks for your kind words. I'll catch up with you on your thread.

[SH_]

Hey bigy!

Been out on the motorcycle lately?
I am working my plan now to get my license and then purchase one. It is cooling down enough to actually survive the 2 day training course.

I am looking forward to it.

Hope all is well my friend.

[bigybiz]

Help needed.

I've organized family therapy starting this week (after a summer break). I've organized it primarily for myself and S10 & S16. D20 has moved out - she is aware of it.

W is aware of it (she see's the dates, times, etc on the family calendar) - I've not told her about it directly.

Question: Should I ask her/encourage her to come?

My preliminary thoughts are - she knows about it, if she wants to come she will. But, if it is good for our sons for us all to be there should I swallow it and ask her to come.

Here is the background:

At the end of the last family session - all five of us. The Dr. said to W and I that we need to have MC. We went to two sessions and she quit (again).

So it seems dumb that she takes part - when she does not want to follow the Dr's prescriptions. I did propose an alternate Dr. - I gave her the referral from my family Dr - she has done nothing with it.

So what would a strong/confident man do

1) Leave it - she has all the info, if she wants to come or needs the appt moved etc - she can take action.

2) Look out for my sons and encourage her to come - as it would be the best thing for the boys (The Dr. has said that it's best that both parents be there).

OK DB'ers - let me know your thoughts.

My thoughts are option 1.

Thx

Bigy.

[Surfer]

3. Tell her she is not coming.

Personally, I wouldn't take the kids either. I would keep the money and use the time to go somewhere with the kids and invite them to open up a bit about it. Ask if they have any questions. They don't need to speak to someone else, it's you that will make them feel secure.

If invited she will either avoid it, as the kids might hear the real truth first hand. Or she will come and spew in front of the kids. Neither would be good IMHO.

Surfer.

[bigybiz]

Surfer:

Thanks for your post. Not to worry about the $. The sessions are covered by the provincial healthcare.

To be honest - When I try to get the boys to open up - not a lot happens. It's more of a "I'm fine", type answers. I could use some pointers on how to get them to confide/trust/etc.

We've had 4 sessions as a family and they have been a springboard to conversations at the house. I can say that the sessions have been helpful and certainly S16 has been more vocal at the Dr's then he ever has been at home.

Further, the Dr has brought up topics that I never would have thought of - so they have been helpful to me as well.

Any other thoughts fellow DBer's?