Chapter 4 - Acting As If

[Cherry]

The dating convo svcks. My wh is ready to move onto that, and so proceeds with haste towards a d. I think personally, leaping into dating so soon after ending a m, or whilst still m is s recipe for disaster, but as you know, there is no logic to a waywards behaviour. The best thing you can do is prepare yourself for that convo and keep focused on you and your children, set a good example.

I stated to wh that I don't want partners introduced to the children. He disagrees, maybe it's a convo for me and L. I just don't see it as the right thing introducing people left right and centre with no regards to our children's thoughts.

You're doing great so far with your interactions with your w. Keep it up and keep looking after you

[bigybiz]

Celebrated my first birthday in 22 years without the W.

I forced my kids to spend the day with me and we had a great time. Started the day with breakfast with my folks, Church, watching the Blue Jays lose to Boston, dinner at a fab restaurant and finished it off with the first cake I've ever baked.

I printed off photos from the summer i.e. Toronto Indy, Vacation, Patio brunches, family picnics, summer camp, etc and provided the kids with bristle board, stickers, etc and asked them to make a collage(s). We now have an awesome physical memory of the summer.

It was a great way to talk and share about the summer.

I'm feeling good and the acting as if is slowly taking hold. I've had a couple of flare ups with W about things she used to do and now I'm doing. I need to get stronger at saying no thank you, I'm on it. So far, it's been a bit of verbal diarrhea - but she is getting the message and I've not backed down.

Despite the fact my MR is always on my mind, I think I'm doing a good job at showing her the consequences of her decision.

[RosaLinda]

Happy birthday Bigy! Yea for having a lovely day with your kids, and for baking your own cake, boo for the Blue Jays losing on your birthday LOL. What flavor cake did you make?

It sounds as if you guys had a great summer and now you have the collage to remind yourself of all those great GAL activities. That's a great gift from your kids, and a great idea.

You say you need to get stronger at just saying no thank you. That's a good goal, "no" has always been hard for me to say to anyone, especially my ex. But you really do sound so much stronger to me already.

Are you sure you're still Acting As If? Sounds to me more like you're no longer acting!

[hawker]

Happy Birthday! Good job of showing her the consequences, it is hard when MR is on the mind but they need to respect your boundaries.

[SH_]

Celebrated my first birthday in 22 years without the W.

I forced my kids to spend the day with me and we had a great time. Started the day with breakfast with my folks, Church, watching the Blue Jays lose to Boston, dinner at a fab restaurant and finished it off with the first cake I've ever baked.

I printed off photos from the summer i.e. Toronto Indy, Vacation, Patio brunches, family picnics, summer camp, etc and provided the kids with bristle board, stickers, etc and asked them to make a collage(s). We now have an awesome physical memory of the summer.

It was a great way to talk and share about the summer.

I'm feeling good and the acting as if is slowly taking hold. I've had a couple of flare ups with W about things she used to do and now I'm doing. I need to get stronger at saying no thank you, I'm on it. So far, it's been a bit of verbal diarrhea - but she is getting the message and I've not backed down.

Despite the fact my MR is always on my mind, I think I'm doing a good job at showing her the consequences of her decision.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY bigybiz!!!!
A year wiser and better look'en eh?!

SO when you say you forced your kids to party with you do you mean force like the prison guard forces the inmates, or do you mean guilt trip the crap out of them as we fathers like to do?
LOL

Quick tip on saying "no thank you."
It does not require strength.
Simply deciding to say it with a loving attitude is all there is to it.
One you decide to do it, it comes naturally.

The verbal diarrhea's the best.
What can you do other than smile right?
You never want to debate with diarrhea eh?

Congrats on your successful first attempt with a cake.

Happy birthday again my friend.

[bigybiz]

RoasaLinda: Thanks for your post. Trust me I'm still acting.

The cake was chocolate, it turned out more like a brownie - very dense. I'm going to try again tonight to see if I can make it "lighter and fluffier".

Yes, I really struggle with letting her in to her old life. When I try and put up boundaries she responds with "I'm keeping her from her kids". This obviously resonates with me and makes me feel bad and I desperately want to give in and pursue.

But, I've been holding out not always strong. I know it's not coming out very nice and that probably feeds her anger, resentment, etc. I've go to keep it simple. On one occasion I responded with "You have chosen your path and now the kids and I are on another path". I think that is short and sweet. She responded with "I forced her to make this choice". I just left that alone.

I'll have to come up with a variety of the same sentiment so it does not sound like a broken record.

[bigybiz]

Hawker: Thanks for your post. Here is my question to you. Do I need to respect her boundaries? In every other aspect of our lives we are told to think outside the box, don't take no for an answer, etc, etc.

So if I choose to defy her boundaries but try and enforce mine is that a double standard? Is that good DB or bad DB? It's not come up yet, just a hypothetical? What's your thought?

I don't respect her decision to separate, so that in itself is defying her boundaries is it not?

[bigybiz]

Thanks for your advise and encouraging words SH.

[SH_]

Hawker: Thanks for your post. Here is my question to you. Do I need to respect her boundaries? In every other aspect of our lives we are told to think outside the box, don't take no for an answer, etc, etc.

So if I choose to defy her boundaries but try and enforce mine is that a double standard? Is that good DB or bad DB? It's not come up yet, just a hypothetical? What's your thought?

I don't respect her decision to separate, so that in itself is defying her boundaries is it not?

Food for thought bigy.
Agreement and respect are 2 different things.

You do not need to agree with her decision to separate.
But you must respect her decision.

If you are creating a double standard, then you misunderstand DB and all that is being advised to you.

Respect her boundaries as you expect her to respect yours.
Seek to understand what are boundaries.
This will clear up your questions here.

[Di-mond]

Hi bigybiz,

Just wanted to give a shout out to a fellow Ontarian.

I have not posted much in the past year.

Dia-mond