Chapter 4 - Acting As If

[bigybiz]

So it's becoming clearer and clearer that the next step for me is to start Acting As If I'm going on without her - with the intention the actions will stick and become my new normal.

So let the new chapter begin.

On the whole I'm doing OK. I'm still struggling with focus on work so that is a work on progress. My appetite is up which is alarming as I've not been running in about two weeks. I sprained my ankle (doing something stupid on vacation), so I'm in recovery. I'm worried about putting on weight. I have been keeping up my dumbbells, push ups, etc - the running is the anchor of my fitness.

Today was a introduction for the Act As If

W and I were together for 3 hours today due to a medical appt for S10.

I let her know a week ago that S10 and I will meet her there, so we will not travel together (she lives quite close). While we waited, I was quiet and only spoke when she asked about about S15 and his plans, some of the improvements I've made around the house (she was very happy with them) and some larger family events, etc.

We were alone a couple of times during morning, I was quiet, positive and very still. She wanted to start making plans S10 during the new school year. I had at one point she started in on the conversation re: discuss upcoming plans for her and S10, dates, etc.

When I realized this is not acting as if.

I said to her, "We should leave this for one of our regular Saturday 30 min meetings - are we going to resume those?" We have only had one in 4 weeks. She replied with her usual, "I don't get to see S10 much and it takes time out of my visit". I simply stated, "I had proposed off days and later in the evening originally, when you countered with Saturday morning". She acknowledged her desire for the sat meetings - then said "let me know your thoughts about the meetings". Then went back to being quiet.

I will continue to make decisions about the house, the kids, etc on my own. If she chooses to get involved, I will let her in a little. I won't mention the meetings again, etc.

Let's see what happens.



http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2687818#Post2687818

[bigybiz]

Well had a few days of the new bigy biz. I've been acting as if. When W came over on Sat to take S10. She was very short with me. I was positive and optimistic when I had the chance. I had to chase her to get a document signed for our mtg renewal. She dodged my text - what else is new. I was zipped my lips. Got her to sign it.

I did my best of detaching and not let her bad behaviour impact me. I give myself a 7 out of 10.

When she dropped S10 off - I hardly spoke to her - just focused on getting S10 to bed.

I'm gonna keep on keeping on.

[bigybiz]

Who can help me. A little while ago I saw a post where someone had a very direct and to the point paragraph on how not to give your WS permission to date.

Can someone repost it or point me in the right direction.

I'm hoping that it will never come up, but I'd like to be prepared so if she catches me at a weak moment I won't respond like a 12 year old.

[ATPeace]

Hey thank you for stopping by my thread I will take a read of where you are at in your sitch later as I am about to head off to work today and I will repost later but for now I am thinking of you

Take care

Ghost

[SH_]

How are things in your corner bigy?

I hope you are doing well and getting some quality motorcycle time in these days.

I was just think about ya and how I had not heard from you in a bit.

You and your family are in my prayers.

[bigybiz]

SH:

Thanks for your post. The status quo is in place. I'm looking forward to school starting and getting some normal going.

I've been doing OK at detaching. As you know both W and I are good at not talking to each other. When she comes to see S10 we hardly speak.

Lately I've been focusing on moving us forward by me doing all the normal back to school stuff. Also, bigger ticket stuff too i.e. S15's new computer, upcoming birthday party and restarting family therapy sessions for the boys and I - D20 is welcome to come too.

Yesterday, she finally broke the silence. She wanted to revisit a decision that was made two months ago. I told her that now was not the time to do it and asked her to recommend a date and time that works. Well that went well - Then came the strike out. She wanted to put some treats she made in our fridge. Instead of being honest and saying I did not want her food, I'm in charge of the meals her. I chickened out. I said, we have enough food right now. She got upset.

It diluted into a conversation about when I need to talk about something she was unavailable and when she wanted to it was important.

We then went round and round about all the minor issues that I've been waiting for her to get back to me on i.e. car ownership, etc.

As I said earlier, for weeks we've not really spoken and I've just been making all the decisions for the boys without her.

The conversation then descended into some borderline relationship talk. Well we called it quits and I asked her to recommended she get back to me with a time and an agenda.

So, I'm dusting myself off and hoping to get back on my horse of keeping a safe distance and demonstrating that I'm going on without her.

Also, I'm looking for a quote about "not giving your spouse permission to date". Does anyone know where that is? I've seen it once before - but, I can't find it.

[RSG]

Put out an APB for Coconut, I believe it was he who had the good line re not giving your spouse permission to "date."

[Coconut]

Bigybiz, here is the link to what I said to Altair about H wanting permission to date.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...750#Post2697750

[Altair]

Yep, tis me, the H and dating.
I do agree it is something you should be prepared for, to know how to react, what to say. You guys helped with that for sure. If (or when) it happens I will not freak out on him, I'll say what you guys constructed for me. And who knows where I'll be at in my own journey. I had a construct in my head- give space, we separate, each get IC, then look at MC, then see where we are. I still don't see where dating fits into that, I guess now? So date even before MC? The order of it is so backwards to me, it makes zero sense. Which goes back to the sudden bomb drop, oh, wait, you are saying things I have never heard that you were unhappy about for years? Uh oh, Altair is activated.
Also, dating after a breakup stinks. Part of me wants him to suffer through a few bad ones/rejections.

[bigybiz]

Coconut and Altair: Thanks for the ammunition. I'm hoping it does not come up but I want to be prepared. I'm more interested in sharing this with my children. I want them to know where I stand. I think they now what I believe, etc and it hurts when they tell me my marriage is over and that mom has a new life. I still need to show them the rules I live by.

Thanks