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Eagle11 Offline OP
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Hello everyone. I found this message board about a week ago after reading the DR. I will try to use the appropriate abbreviations but I am still learning them.

Here is my story. I am on my 2nd marriage. My first one lasted only 2 years and ended because my w cheated on me.

My current w and I have been together for 12 years now and m for 10. We have a S6 and S2. The m has had its ups and downs like all marriages. There has been 1 major incident that took place in the winter of 2008-2009. My w went back home to Ohio to visit family while I stayed in Arizona to work. While she was back there she went to a bar with my sister and friends and flirted with a guy at the bar. My sister saw it and got my w out of there but somewhere along the way my w and the om exchanged phone numbers or emails because when she got back home to AZ she started an EA with the om. This went on until February when my w went back to Ohio and met up with the om again and this time they kissed but nothing else happened. When she came home from this trip we really didn’t speak to each other and she tried to have me sign divorce papers. This went on for a couple of months until somewhere along the way we decided to get back together. About a month or so later she got pregnant with our first son.

The next year we moved to Florida for her work and I became a stay at home dad. The job we moved to Florida for she ended up hating and wanted to quit right away. Eventually , she found a job in Upstate NY and we moved there. I was not a fan of where we moved to. There was nothing to do and the winters were bad. I had gotten use to nice winters and I think I got depressed dealing with the cold and snow. At some point during our time in NY she went and talked to a lawyer about a divorce but didn’t do anything. She never told me about this and I only discovered it when I found the lawyers business card one day a couple of months after the appointment took place. I never mentioned this to my wife because I think I was scared.

About 18 months after moving to NY she changed jobs again and this time we ended up back in Ohio. I enjoyed moving back there because we were a couple hours from family and friends. Plus it seemed easier for her and I to do more things together as a couple. In January 2014 our second S was born prematurely and spent a month in the hospital. I think this brought us closer together as a couple.

In August of 2015 my w got a promotion and we moved to Georgia. We were excited about her career opportunity and the move. Things started off well but since we moved here we have less time to spend together as a couple. She works long hours and we haven’t really found anyone we are comfortable with to watch the kids so we can have time with each other. The last time we had any time together was back in April when my parents were visiting.

About a month ago (end of July) my w had to go to Las Vegas for a work conference. While there, she apparently flirted with a work colleague of hers. This is a guy she knew from work but his office is actually in another state 3 hours away. She told me later that he tried to kiss her but she wouldn’t let him. When she got home from her trip she told me she was experiencing panic attacks while she was away and she hasn’t been taking her medication (she has suffered from panic attacks since I’ve known her). She didn’t mention anything else though.

The next week was a tough one. She was withdrawn and distant from me. She acted disgusted with me and like she didn’t even want to be in the same room with me. She also worked extra long hours that week and often didn’t get home until 9 or 10 at night.

On August 8 she sat me down and told me she wasn’t happy and wanted a divorce. I asked her to try to work it out, but she said she didn’t think she could. I remember she drank a whole bottle of wine that night and by the time we were done talking she was drunk. I went into the kitchen to get the kids some ice cream and when I returned to the living room I found her texting the guy from Vegas. I took the phone from her and read the texts. It broke my heart to read what they were saying to each other. She was having an EA. She tried to explain that he doesn’t mean anything and it was just making her feel good. I told her she needs to stop but she said she didn’t think she could.

A couple of days later we talked some more and she discussed some problems she has that she has learned about since she started to see a therapist the previous week. She told me she has abandonment issues with men. Her mom and dad divorced when she was 6 and her step dad passed away from ALS when she was 18. She blames both these men for leaving her. She then went on to say that before her and I dated she would cheat on boyfriends. She said she was afraid she would get hurt by them so she would cheat to do the hurting first.
She then talked about problems she had with me. She said I was selfish (I agree), she didn’t feel I took an interest in her life (I disagree) and she thought are marriage had gone stale (I agree). I told her I was working on my issues and she commented that she saw that I have but she didn’t know if it mattered at this point.

For the next week or so things were ok with us. She moved to the guest room in our house. We were friendly with each other and didn’t fight and had a couple of good talks. Then this Monday she told me she was going to have to go away Thursday for work and would be back Friday afternoon. The place she has to go is where the OM works. She said not to worry she will be with other people, but she will have to see him and talk to him because they are working on a project together. She left this morning for her trip and I know that tonight is the night her EA become a PA.

I’m not really sure how I feel right now. I think if I didn’t have the two kids I might just walk away, but I really would like to at least attempt to work things out. It’s a weird feeling I’m having right now knowing she is in the same room as the OM.

I should also mention that when she says she wants a divorce she doesn’t want anything to change. She said she wants me to continue to live at the house and take care of the kids just like nothing changed. I told her it doesn't work that way and if we get a divorce I will not live with her. I think she wants me to do her housework, watch her kids , take care of the yard, listen to her when she gets home from work while she continues with the OM. She kept asking why we couldn’t live like this and I kept telling her because people don’t do this when they get divorced and I won’t do it either.

This whole thing is just crazy and I can’t believe it only really started about 2 ½ weeks ago. It feels like its been going on forever. I have a therapist appointment next Tuesday and hopefully that will help me deal with some of this.

Anyway, thanks for letting me tell my story.


M39, W36
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Which I normally call homework.

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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Eagle11,

Go talk with a lawyer as soon as possible. Her history shows that she most likely has seen one this time. Don't fear it. Knowing what the process might be like is empowering. Given that you are a STHD, knowing your rights around spousal support in your state will only help reduce your stress when you think about being on your own and finances.

Great job on not taking her idea of having you be her nanny. As hard as it may be, you will have to show her what life is like for her without you for her to have any appreciation and respect for you. And don't let her control you with that abandonment stuff. That is her issue to work through. That is no excuse to treat you like this.

You can do this and regardless of outcome, you and your kids will be okay. The only thing you have to fear is fear itself.

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RSG Offline
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Seriously? She wants you to be a live in Nanny, while she sluts around? Wow, the selfish alert just broke. Good job on shooting that down ASAP.

Does she spend time with the kids much? What were the other, more specific problems you were having?

"Her Mom and Dad divorced....." So, the genius thinks getting her own divorce is going to solve her AND her kids' problems? Hopefully her therapist is going to help her get some sort of clue!


Me: 35 W: 32
S: 4
T: 6 M: 4
Physical Separation official: 5/21
Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son

Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
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Eagle11 Offline OP
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Thanks for the responses.

I know I need to get to a lawyer for my protection and our kids. I need to do that next week.

One thing I forgot to mention which confuses me about this whole mess is that we bought a house and moved in less than 2 months ago. After traveling around so much for work over the last 10 years we decided we were at a place that we could settle down for a while so we decided to buy instead of rent. Who makes a decision to end their marriage after buying a house? Makes no sense. She can say she has been unhappy for a long time, but why buy a house with me?

Originally Posted By: RSG

Does she spend time with the kids much? What were the other, more specific problems you were having?


She is a good mom when she wants to be, but she probably only sees them about 1-2 hours a day during the week. On the weekends she will do things with them, but I don't think she really likes to do things with them on her own without me.

I don't think we had any major problems. We didn't talk like we should. She has never been one to share stories about her past with me. She said she didn't think I would want to hear about it. Also, we very rarely ever fought, but we would hold things in and never talk about them. I am bad at this. I would rather just say I'm sorry instead of talking things out. She has told me that she never felt like she could please me no matter what she did. We also would have money discussions. She doesn't think before she buys things and I am more conservative. When I met her she was really in debt and I actually helped get her out of debt before we were married. She complained that we never took vacations by ourselves, but every time we discussed it I would tell her we needed to watch our spending so we could save and of course she couldn't/wouldn't do that.


M39, W36
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S6,S2
Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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Quote:
I think she wants me to do her housework, watch her kids , take care of the yard, listen to her when she gets home from work while she continues with the OM.


Isn't that the relationship you have had? Why would she think it would be different if you were divorced? Maybe it seems a logical thinking woman (who travels around and has had several jobs) would know these things, right?

Quote:
She is a good mom when she wants to be, but she probably only sees them about 1-2 hours a day during the week.


What happens when she doesn't want to be a good mom?

Anyone can be a good parent for 1 to 2 hrs a week!

Quote:
On the weekends she will do things with them, but I don't think she really likes to do things with them on her own without me.


Seriously? Do you see this as a normal mother, much less a good one?

Quote:
I don't think we had any major problems. We didn't talk like we should. She has never been one to share stories about her past with me. She said she didn't think I would want to hear about it. Also, we very rarely ever fought, but we would hold things in and never talk about them.


So, you don't really know who you have married.

Quote:
I would rather just say I'm sorry instead of talking things out.


This needs to change immediately. You actually contribute to the breakdown in the marriage, when you have the attitude of accepting blame as being the shortcut or easier route.

There are tons of information in the links Cadet sent you.

Do you do anything to earn income while staying home with the kids? Had you rather stay home or have a full time job in the workforce?

What does your wife do when she is angry at you or the kids? How does she handle pressure?

Has she ever had therapy, that you know about?

What are the ages of you and your wife?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Eagle11 Offline OP
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Sandi2,

My W is 35 (36 next week) and I am 39.

I think she wants to keep everything exactly the same for now only be divorced. She just doesn't get what is going on. I don't think she understands the reality of the situation. I almost laughed when she told me what she wanted to do. She kept insisting to me that we could make this divorce work "her way".

I think she can be a good mother but some times she just seems like she isn't interested. She is often tired and on the weekends its not uncommon for her to take a nap for a couple of hours while I'm with the kids. I used to think she was just tired from working so much but the more I think about it, I think she just wanted to get away and some alone time for herself.

I will admit that after talking to her the last couple of weeks I don't think I know the person I married. She has opened up and told me things about her past that I've never known in the 12 years we've been together. I commented to her the other night that I liked to learn things about her and she said she never thought I was interested and I never asked. She is learning a lot of things from her therapy about her past that she may have hid away and it's coming out now. I knew she was always angry at her dad for the divorce but I can't believe the anger she had for her stepdad (who was the one to really raise her). She is angry at him for dying on her and abandoning her. The man died of ALS and spent the last 4 years of his life angry and depressed and she is holding it against him. I don't understand this way of thinking.

She also discussed being raped in college by a boyfriend. She had mentioned this briefly when we first started dating and I asked about it then but it was obvious that she didn't want to talk about it. I didn't really know what to do so I never brought it up again until she mentioned it the other night. She also explained to me that she hates sex. She said it was not me, but she has always hated it no matter who she was with. She said she found it disgusting but she didn't understand why. I asked her if she thought the rape might have played a role but she said she didn't know.

I understand that I have been weak with her and not wanted conflict. I just hate conflict, but I understand by not addressing things with her I have contributed to where we are now.

As far as being a Stay Home Dad. I did not do anything for income. She makes very good money and never wanted me to do anything but raise the kids. I have brought up getting a part time job when both kids are in school, but she has never pushed me. In fact, one of the reasons she wants me to live with her and raise the kids is because she said she doesn't want them in daycare and she says I'm a great dad. I of course told her that was not going to happen and I am going to get a job should we divorce. She keeps saying she doesn't want that.


M39, W36
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Eagle11 Offline OP
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I will say that I can see my w having attraction to the other man over me. She is obviously bored with me and our m. I am a stay home dad and he has the same title as her in the company so he is her equal. He obviously makes good money where I make none. He is retired from the Army or Marines so is probably more of man's man than I am.

I know he was married, but I don't know if he still is. I found his wife's facebook page but there is no mention of him in almost 2 years. She also has no relationship status listed. I did find that the house is in both of their names still, but I don't know what that means.


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Hello Eagle11,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

You are so smart to recognize that her vision of divorce is not even close to reality. She wants to eat cake in a major way.

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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