So here I am telling my story, pouring my heart out, on a DB forum about my W which, after an epiphany shortly after Bomb Drop, I thought I’d never do! Tch, Tch… shame on you HTM. The reason for this sentiment is not to belittle the situation & struggles of those who have/were/are going through this but because I thought after a reading a few articles I was mentally prepared to deal with this. I now know that was due a limited grasp of the situation plus my emotive state of denial & anger gave me false confidence. The outward effect of these mixed emotions and what I said in response almost, I thought, turned the situation around. However, it didn’t last and as many of you more experienced DB-ers know, I couldn’t stop the inevitable for long. Sure enough the arguments, secrecy & suspicious behaviours continued and got worse.
After reading some material around the web and on various forums I believe the key trigger points to W’s behaviour(s) are:
1. W’s mother dies of Pancreatic Cancer in Oct 2014 after a 3-4yr struggle. W is the youngest of three daughters and the closest to her. I loved MIL dearly and she always backed me up over W if we ever had altercations. MIL doted on and spoilt our two Ss, before the C she gladly helped look after them so both W & I could work.
2. W got promoted at work mid-late 2015; role & responsibilities changed. W befriends, or is befriended by, a female colleague who shows her the ropes with her new role; they have been going/hanging out together fairly regularly ever since. I have never met this, now, ex-colleague/g.f. but suspect she’s acting as an alienator and influencing W, fuelling/validating her thinking and behaivour. From what I can deduce she’s about the same age as W, no kids/H/bf/etc. just her job, pretty much does as she pleases. I do wonder if W looks at her life and thinks that’s what I’m missing out on. I have overheard her say… “so & so has this car, I’d like to have that car too”. Now don’t think I haven’t considered the gay possibility either, actually came up in conversation with IC once, it’s not ruled out completely but what was in emails to OM and her previously outspoken like of Keanu & Depp convinces me otherwise. Alternatively, this ex-colleague/g.f. is a ruse/cover for OM.
3. FIL’s health starts to decline Nov/Dec 2015. Lots of hospital visits/etc. initially places a similar burden on family to that when MIL struggled with Pancreatic Cancer. Eventually FIL diagnosed with kidney infection that takes some time to clear up but now it is evident his health is in decline with early signs of Dementia. Almost seems as though W begrudges paying more frequent visits, sometimes cleaning his house and doing occasional washing for him. W often moans about daily phone calls she has with him.
In addition to the above points, I believe something in my W’s family past may be a factor, i.e. her father had a couple of As while she was the only daughter of three still living at home (early-mid 80s). From what I understand it took a heavy toll on the mother, she had a lot of resentment toward him which resurfaced during her struggle with Pancreatic Cancer. A while after MIL passed away W mentions some of the last conversations she had with her. In particular, what caught my attention was she mentioned to W “Whatever happens after I’m gone, don’t let your family split up”. Prophecy? Or did MIL go through through some kind of MLC herself, acting as catalyst for FIL’s As, and therefore why she said this to W suspecting the same might happen to her?
I also think W is on verge of Menopause, ‘Perimenopause’. Early on after discovery of emails linking her to OM, there was evidence in her browser history of her researching this. Recently she spoke of a GP’s appointment where HRT was discussed. Interestingly the same appointment covered W being prescribed ADs but she refuses to get/take them.
Anyway back to HalfTheMan’s story…
A few months after the MIL’s passing anniversary (Oct-2015) I start to note subtle changes in W’s typical behaviour, these became more obvious in early Jan-2016 and more difficult for me to dismiss; taking a walk to the shop for milk or bread which is an errand I would normally do. Her dress/clothing changed and she started going out a little more frequently with work colleagues that I’d never met. Her underwear got frilly/lacy-ier than before and was now matching; previously it was me buying the nicer matching underwear for W. High heels were now frequently worn whereas before they were a rarity; shorter skirts too, going up above the knee, and weight loss were all signs that I’d started to pick up on. There was a little less interest/involvement with our two sons (11 & 8), especially with their homework/reading. With W being a teacher she’d always taken a keen interest in their school work but now that began to diminish too.
However, it wasn’t until I chanced upon W’s work emails, still open in a chrome-tab on S11’s Chromebook, that I saw first hand that she was engaged in an EA with an ex-colleague who’s path she’d happened to cross a month or two earlier through work. My world fell apart that day, 25th Jan 2016. I never thought W would ever have any kind of affair, especially considering how close I thought we’d been in our 12 and half years of M; W even spoke of how complacent she’d been about our R when hearing of other people’s MRs. I confronted W about emails and after some denial she eventually confirmed she had been engaging in flirtatious emails/texts/calls as well as admitting to the odd lunchtime meet with this guy. The discussion we had that day touched on how we’d taken each other for granted and I suggested that with some MC & regular dating we’d be able to get things back on track. I asked that she meet me half way and we give our M one more try but her commitment wasn’t forthcoming and then I got the ILYBNILWY speech. Thinking back I wasn’t clued up on what this really meant, in terms of a MLC anyway, and so the roller-coaster ride had begun.
At first W spoke of feeling like was life passing her by and she didn’t want to resent me or the M like her mother did with her father, though I’d never stopped her doing anything and wouldn’t within reason. I hadn’t engaged in any As, nor did I venture to bars/pubs daily like the FIL either, so was confused how she could make this comparison. I’d say, and many people who know me would back me up on this, I’m a dedicated father/family man who has perhaps sacrificed more with my career/work to run around after my two fantastic boys than my W, again in contrast to FIL.
Now I reflect back on the ‘life is passing me by’ talk, it reminds me of a time last year before BD when W forgot her age. I, in as light-hearted & diplomatic a way possible, pointed out her real age and she didn’t believe it thinking she was at least two years younger!
W has developed some interesting habits over the last year, in particular plucking grey head hairs with tweezers!? Nothing too bad about this I hear you say but each time she returns home, from where ever, she’s goes straight to the bathroom mirror prinking/preening but most of all plucking grey hairs. Seems strange to me when it’s probably easier to dye the hair to cover the grey. The number of creams/lotions/potions & hair products has increased considerably. False nails and brighter/bolder make-up colours are now the order of the day. Lady shaving/waxing more than ever and the regular application of fake tan. I’ve even observed new eating habits as well as the odd try at a recommended activity; most of these, if not all, stop as soon as they start. New clothes are a regular/frequent expense, often bought surreptitiously, and a new car this year too! Updtae: After mentioning the grey hair plucking, a day oor two ago W visited the hairdressers and has had her hair dyed a lighter brown, blonde almost I’d say.
Just before BD W had a phase of paranoia, mentioned to me that she was worried about what people at work thought of her. I now speculate whether work colleagues were aware of W flirting with OM at the time, knew she was married and obviously thought disdainfully of this. In the weeks shortly after BD W struggled with sleep, sometimes too much sometimes not enough. The odd glass of wine, or weekend only drinking, changed to most evenings and W mentioned to feeling really depressed; think this was related to her mother’s death. I suspect W’s depressive state was also due to carrying around the guilt about what she doing to me, there were times where she couldn’t even look me in the eyes when talking me. When I mentioned this and how disrespectful and out of character it was she exploded at me. I’d never seen that kind of anger/hate in her face before, ever! If I went in to a room she happened to be in she’d leave and go to another in the house which was particularly difficult as we were confined to a few rooms in the house due to building work being carried out from Jan through to Mar 2016. I started seeing an IC and reluctantly she did too but I have my doubts about the counselling she was getting. Apparently these feelings were normal for a woman of W’s age and she should be working on positive changes and deciding what she wanted out of life. However, I’m confident W didn’t do any real soul searching or draw up a bucket list following these sessions, eventually she stopped seeing her IC due to cost & perhaps because she wasn’t given an easy solution for her depression/confusion on a silver platter. W’s IC did at least suggest she should talk to me about her feelings which was odd. After weeks of avoiding any R talks, as well as avoiding me at every opportunity, we had this ‘calm’ chat. W wanted space, freedom & time to work it out on her own while still living in the same household. I offered to convert the study back to a bedroom for one of us to stay in and even suggested single beds but W said no to these suggestions. W urged that I start going out with friends more & even suggested we have an Open M!!! I tried to agree some boundaries for when either us went out, worried W would see complete agreement as a green light to start playing around, but she declined to pretty much every reasonable proposal I made. W did say she wouldn’t engage with OM any more as she didn’t need to complicate her depression/confusion further. However, approximately six weeks later I discovered she had secretly met OM when she was supposed to be with the ex-colleague/g.f. for a spa over-nighter; she still refuses to tell me which spa she went to & stayed at… “I won’t dignify that with an answer” is all I get.
As you can imagine I’ve been fed numerous lies, been manipulated, and had claims that I’m mentally unstable and paranoid thrown at me. In one conversation, W lied about going out with & kissing OM many years ago, in the hope I’d come clean to any bad stuff I might have done during the M; trying to alleviate her guilt no doubt. In the first few months, I kept trying to snoop, checking her mobile, emails, handbag, pockets, etc. stopped short of a GPS tracker & PI though; not proud of this as you can imagine. Eventually W changed passwords/PINs and kept her phone/handbag with her at all times. I consider myself quite an observant person and W’s out of character behaviours were only too easy for me to pick up on; wish they hadn’t been.
The LBS diet did it again, with me losing over 10kgs in the space of a few weeks! Since BD I’ve been trying to make good use of this & started back in the gym which initially was infrequent but has now become a more regular habit. Eating too has now returned to almost pre-BD levels. Sleep, well let’s just say I’m still working on that one! Early on I did succumb to drinking more than usual and this fuelled a few major conflicts/altercations with W. On one occasion W took Ss with her to a hotel after we argued & I accused her of sleeping with OM -incidentally, to-date I’ve found no conclusive evidence of a PA but there have been plenty of hints. In the end I grabbed W’s mobile to check for txts/calls from OM and at that point she headed out the door. I eventually curbed the drinking, realising that it was a one-way ticket to losing Ss as well as making the whole MR situation worse.
When W has been out socialising she’s often stayed out too, significantly more than pre-BD. She has allegedly stayed at this ex-colleague/g.f.’s which has led to numerous arguments since I can’t imagine why she would want to be away from her children. Once or twice, here or there, no problem and maybe if it was a regular occurrence because of work but at one point it was almost once a week; she said it was to keep away from me. There have been many questionable staying out incidents and subsequent explanations of which I’ll only regale two…
1. Upon noting she’d forgotten her toothbrush for a second time, I enquired how she cleaned her teeth ahead of work the next day, “Oh I forgot and just used a wet-wipe” was W’s answer! Now I knew she had a bottle of travel mouthwash in her handbag at least. I suspected she had an overnight bag stashed somewhere too but to not even offer “Yeah I forgot so bought & used mouthwash” made me highly suspicious.
2. W said her boss would ok her staying at the disused caretakers house on the school grounds where she worked (W’s a Teacher if I didn’t already mention). The school location is in a notorious & crime-rife part of London, not a nice place to hang out at night. W’s car was once parked just outside of school grounds and became part of a crime scene. A fight/stabbing took place by her car and it couldn’t be moved until the police had finished their investigation. Anyway, W said staying at the caretakers house maybe once a week would give her the space/freedom she wanted. On the evening she was due to stay there I raised my doubts & challenged her claim. Last minute, I get a phone call to say that she was now going to ex-colleagues/g.f.s place instead. Interestingly, this staying at the caretakers place has never arisen since!
Shortly after BD, W was sympathetic towards me and how I must be feeling about her wanting out of the M. As time has passed, her words haven’t quite matched with her actions; sometimes I’d get Jekyll and sometimes I’d get Hyde. Jekyll has now diminished to the odd fleeting glimpse but as soon as anything MR related comes up I see the raging Hyde - “Stop playing the victim… You’re not depressed, just lazy... I’ve looked after you for 16yrs… You need to sort x out… You didn’t do x… You weren’t there for me when my mum passed away…”, - more recently I’ve seen a new cold calculating persona as yet to be named! I’m no saint and yes I have my part to play in letting things slip in our MR but it’s like W has collected all the bad stuff over 21yrs & is focusing solely on it. I guess this is what’s known as rewriting the marriage history.
So the situation over the last eight months has seen us living in the same house and, for the majority of the time, sleeping in the same bed. Until May 2016 no family member or joint close friends knew of our situation. I believe W was trying to keep it quiet because of how it would look with her and/or the A being the reason for breaking up the family. Now both of her sisters and mine know but I expect the story the W’s sisters have been told is a diluted or distorted version, painting me as the bad guy and W as more the victim. To an extent I know this because I contacted one of the, more practical/reasonable, sisters back in May-2016 to ask for advice regarding the Caretaker’s House incident; was about to drive there and confront W. While speaking about W’s behaviour and all that had been going on, it became apparent to the sister that there were incidents that W hadn’t told her about. As you can imagine when W found about this discussion she ranted at me to stop talking to her sister/family but, only a few weeks before, W had said I could contact her sister and she’d be receptive to this as well as offer support to me if needed. W probably realised the disparity between her story and truth would eventually become evident. W now ensures social interaction and communication between her side of the family and me are kept apart.
On the topic of rings, back in Apr-2016 W & I get into R discussion and as you would expect it gets heated, her behaviour and OM are raised again. In the end both of us take wedding rings off. Next day I calm down and realise what that ring means to me and put it back on. W keeps hers off -incidentally eternity/engagement rings she used to wear regularly haven’t been on since late 2015 unsure if that means anything? I speak to my IC and he suggests to ask why the wedding ring hadn’t gone back on. W replies she doesn’t want to get into rings on, rings off scenarios but next day it’s back on. However, about three weeks ago W said she’s done with MR and I note she’s no longer wearing her wedding ring. When I ask about the ring she says it was because I’d taken mine off. Now I take mine off when swimming or lifting weights at the gym to avoid loss/damage/injury but I doubt she’d have seen this as I leave it in the car and put it straight back on afterwards. Anyway, I clarified that I was still wearing mine but hers hasn’t materialised since. In the last week I removed mine again but intend on keeping it off now in response to W submitting a Non-Molestation & Occupancy Order to the courts against me -more on the NMO & court later. In some respects, I’ve picked up on a few DB thread discussions about wedding rings and if there is to be a new R then I feel new rings would be part of this.
So bringing things right up to date, after eight months of the roller-coaster ride W is now pushing for separation via Mediation. This will mean selling the family home which both of us have put a lot of effort into over the last 12yrs. We decided back in Nov-2015 to stay put and extend the lower-rear rather than move, and S11’s secondary school choice, which he starts at in Sept-2016, was linked to this decision. It almost seems like wasted time now, particularly for me as I project managed the build/extension while running round after kids, holding down a full-time job and being on the receiving end of W’s behaviour. All of this impacted my health and my GP prescribed anti-anxiety medication to help for those really bad days -I’ll say I’m on the verge of reaching for them again; no ADs as yet though. The closer we have got to Mediation appointments the more W wants to discuss things. I have put my hand up numerous times and said “We’ll deal with this in Mediation!”. However, on occasion I’ve let my guard down and when she’s engaged me, sure enough a major argument ensues. When this happened last time the arguing got so bad that I tried to call/txt her sisters to hopefully calm W & the situation down, big mistake! W was like a dog with a chew toy and just wouldn’t let go. We were equally guilty in swearing/shouting at one another but then she resorted to intimidation/insults. I went to another room, she followed and continued ranting that I needed to organise child-care for when she returned to work after the school holidays. I wish now I had just walked out of the house but in a moments weakness when she threatened to call the police I called her bluff and actually did this myself. I just couldn’t deal with her abuse & threats to take Ss away any more. By the time the police arrived, 4hrs after being called (approx 11:00pm), the situation had calmed down, W was upstairs in MBR, I was watching TV downstairs in the lounge. I explained the situation to both officers openly and honestly, I had nothing to hide & done nothing wrong. As things had calmed down they were going to take no action and leave when W stormed into the room and as one of the officers put it “...antagonised the whole situation again!”. I could hear my W whimper and almost turn on the tears while talking to the male officer in the next room, “I just want him out of the house” she said. Midway through all of this I had to go to the bathroom. When I got back the female police officer, who had been speaking to me sympathetically and dealing with the situation rather well I have to say, was on my W’s mobile phone. W’s older sister, also a female police officer but off duty, was on the other end. I couldn’t make out all of the conversation but did overhear a couple of phrases “he physically pushed… ejected from the house...” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, the elder sister was trying to influence the officers decision and have me thrown out of my own home after I’d been the one to call the police for help. Oh and the ‘physical push’ by the way, was me trying to stop W’s arm getting jammed in the lounge door when I went to close it behind me. What’s now apparent is that the elder sister had been fed a load of b.s. about what’s been going in the MR by W. I was dumbfounded and felt stabbed in the back as I had trusted her, but credit to the female officer who responded with “I can’t act on what you tell me because you have only one side of the story”. Eventually, the police offered only two options, either W goes w/ Ss or just I go. I argued that since it was W being the abusive one she should be the one to leave and there was absolutely no reason not to leave Ss with me but after nearly two hours they were having none of it. I’m sorry to say I was so hurt and incensed by what was happening, feeling like everyone was ganging up on me, I refused to go. I’d been compromising & giving in to W and all her $#1+ for so long; in the last two weeks I’d been making a stand whenever the opportunity arose. Plus if I went it was an admission of guilt, I even mentioned this to the officers. In the end she went w Ss and stayed at her sister’s place for the night. The days following this incident have been a bit of a whirlwind. I stayed away for three nights with my youngest sister and her family. Somewhere in between I took Ss out for pizza, then another day to a theme park. When I returned to our home W & I were back to sleeping in the same bed; complete torture! Upon reflection I think W panicked when I called the police, probably worried about how it might look to her family/friends, so at the next slightest excuse which was when I didn’t leave the house on demand, she went to the County/Family Court and applied for a Non-Molestation Order (NMO) ex-parte. It’s now clear to me W had been noting down what I thought were reasonable incidents under the circumstances for a while, probably on advice of the elder sister, just waiting for the right time but I’d now prompted her to submit this NMO earlier than she would of liked. My reason for this is I’ve seen W’s Witness Statement to support this NMO and it is hugely distorted/exaggerated, incomplete even. Event time-lines are skewed, separate incidents merge into one another, dates are wrong, no shred of evidence and at least two contradictions; no mention of the EA discovered back in Jan-2016 or the further discovery of a secret meeting in Mar-2016. I can’t believe someone at the court didn’t read this drivel and say “Hang on a minute, do you really want to submit this?”. I’ve now engaged a solicitor in helping me oppose this NMO. However, W slyly cancelled the 30minute court hearing we were planning to attend this week and left no time to ask for the hearing to continue. My solicitor is now rearranging another hearing date for two weeks time. I just don’t want this NMO standing without my recorded objection to it. To completely refute/contest the NMO would be a huge cost and probably not worth it, especially as W intends to revoke this if I reinstate a mediation appointment I postponed when finding out about the vacated hearing -I’m sorry DB’ers I’m really struggling to rise above W’s games/$#1+ of late, I’ll keep trying though. Mediation appointment now scheduled for 19th Sept, I’ve asked for separate rooms initially. Will wait & see if W follows through and drops the NMO completely now.
Not sure if it means anything to the more experienced among you but W has only ever suggested mediated separation, doesn’t seem bothered about a D; went as far as to give an example of a cousin who’s been in a relationship for 16yrs while still technically M. Even when W finished what she called ‘End of R’ counselling and stated MR was done -permanently took her wedding ring off at this point-, I couldn’t understand why she wasn’t instigating D; unsure if it’s the cost that’s off-putting or if it keeps plan-B alive?
At this point in time, with the separation/mediation & court proceedings about to get under way, I’m no longer sure if OM is still in the picture. I did contact him back in Mar-2016 when I found out about the secret meeting and, although his response was conveyed to me via W, apparently he didn’t want to continue with the relationship with W any more; probably worried about his status & high profile job and how it would look. Still, there have been times since where W is supposed to be hanging out with the ex-colleague/g.f. or new work crowd that doesn’t quite fit with explanations or evidence.
I know I’ve made many DB-ing mistakes already but I still hope somehow it will turn around as I truly love my W and want my family back together again; am willing to work towards a newer improved MR but understand this can & will take time.
I’m sorry all this is such a long post; it still misses out on a lot of key incidents that have occurred in the last 8 months. I should have signed up to the DB forum sooner and maybe everyone’s advice may have saved me from the current situation.
Ok Cadet, hit me with the list, that perhaps I should have read-up on a lot sooner.
BTW, sandi2 if you happen to come across my thread would be grateful if you could confirm my suspicion that I’m dealing a WW? Thanks in advance.
HalfTheMan.
Me 50, ExW 49 T21, M13+ S15, S13 BD #1: 25-Jan-2016 (EA confirmed & ILYBINILWY) Sept-2016 Mediated Sep. starts Oct-2016 W petitions for D Jan-2017 R w OM admitted/confirmed Jun-2018 D'd
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely: Which I normally call homework.
You my friend have a very complicated situation especially now that you are farther down the legal path than most of us.
I honestly don't know what to suggest for you beyond reading cadet's homework which it seems you are already somewhat familiar with.
From your side of the story (there are always 3 - his, her's, the truth) it does in many ways sound like you are dealing with a mid-life crisis in your W but I certainly am no expert. But the advice from here would remain the same - look after yourself and try to detach from your W - tough to do in the same house (and bed?). The big thing that I'm reading here as well is that she's controlling the agenda and you are reacting. Try to take a step back, take a deep breath and figure out what YOU want and where you want to be and start driving the bus in that direction.
Your W is on her own journey and you can't control her. The fact that she doesn't want a D and perhaps is wanting an open M is irrelevant - again she's controlling the agenda. Keep educating yourself, post here and try to keep calm.
The last bit of advice is that you should refrain from involving your inlaws in this contest. They (as I well know) can be unpredictable in which side they take but it probably won't be your's.
Good luck.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I'm not Sandi, but it is very clear that your W is very very very very very wayward. More than that, you are in a very toxic situation. You seem to be aware that your WW is manipulating you. There is a script that WW and WAWs follow. She is sticking to this script very closely. I am sorry to tell you this, but the W that you used to know is gone. You are not alone in what you are feeling. Many of us, including myself, have been in your shoes. Perhaps we can help you avoid further mistakes.
I would recommend no conversation with WW - unless it involves routine child care decisions. Assume that everything you do or say is being recorded. As you can see, even benign gestures have been misinterpreted or deliberately distorted. She will distort anything you say. You cannot win at her game. Is your solicitor an expert in family law? I sure hope so. You need to start figuring out how to defend and ameliorate your position. A good L can help with this.
Regarding mediation, how does one mediate with a partner who has no scruples. Would you enter into a business partnership with someone who behaves this way? Whatever you decide to do, first know your rights; especially vis a vis shared parenting. How are your children holding up with all this? You have not mentioned too much about them.
Start reading the resources from Cadet, DB, and DR. I am so sorry you are here, but there are a lot of good folks here who will help you get through it.
I am so sorry that you are hurting and utterly confused.
From what you report here, I am going to strongly urge you to move your thread over to the MLC (Mid-Life Crisis) forum where you will get support from like-minded folks who are walking the same path as you are as the LBS (left behind spouse) of a MLCer.
This way, you will get some valuable insights into the MLC process, learn from other LBS with MLCer, and navigate the Fun House that you were drop kicked into by your MLC W.
You will be greeted by the mayor of MLCville, Job and Cadet will be along with links that are a bit more specific to MLC.
You would want to look up IrishM and CaliGuy for some male LBS insights with female MLCers. HaWho is a world-champ in keeping her wicked, zany sense of humor while her MLC H plays on the Tilt-A-Whirl ride non-stop.
Can't give too much advice as I'm in a similar position, I know just how you feel about wishing what you know now back when BD, I made the same mistakes, I often wonder if I would have done things or reacted differently anyway- I did have a dear friend give me advice that are similar to the DB principles we learn here but just couldn't see it at the time, as they say, never too late to learn- with or without our wives.
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head! Focus your time, effort and energy on being the best dad and HTM that only a fool would leave.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I will be reading the threads much more thoroughly now, rather than just dipping in on occasion as I have done previously.
I'm going to look at ordering the books today.
Me 50, ExW 49 T21, M13+ S15, S13 BD #1: 25-Jan-2016 (EA confirmed & ILYBINILWY) Sept-2016 Mediated Sep. starts Oct-2016 W petitions for D Jan-2017 R w OM admitted/confirmed Jun-2018 D'd
The writing, yes I’ve been keeping this in for a while, can you tell? :-) There are many more events which I haven’t gone into as yet but I’ll try to post those in future… 1) if only to get it of my chest 2) be an example of what ‘not’ to do 3) record/document, as I may need to refer back to it.
The three sided story coin, I have always understood that myself when it comes to other people’s problems but of course it’s different when you are emotionally involved. Still, I recognise that being as truthful as I can be with the ‘right’ people, i.e. all of you here, solicitors, etc. can only help. Plus I hope in the long run me being honest will, for those who wish to see it for themselves, serve to highlight W’s inconsistencies with what she says & does. It has already been noted by my solicitor that the NMO, living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed are not consistent with typical cases he deals with. However, you’re right I cannot control her, must stop reacting and get my plan together.
It’s intriguing the topic of control comes up, when R talks have flared up my W has spoken of me being controlling & wanting the 50s wife!!! She even put something along these lines in her witness statement for the NMO. However, it couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve always wanted an equal, a partner and have stated this pre/post BD to her and anyone else who might listen. A few years ago just as my W was switching jobs, she toyed with the idea of giving up work to be the SAHW. I said I’d support this if that’s what she wanted but I did offer some realism into her thinking, it would mean me stepping up at work, going after promotion, longer hours, etc. so we could still afford the same life-style. She dropped this after a while but my more modern view on work & MRs I thought was clear. Both my parents worked when bringing up my younger sister & I so there’s no foundation for me to have this 50s wife thinking.
With regard to the in-laws, I now agree. Although, considering how close I got to her family over the years -most holidays spent together, big family vacations that the MIL/FIL funded, days out, etc- I realise how I fell into thinking I’d be able to trust her sisters. Somewhat duped by W, saying SIL would be there for me, but also because BIL expressed sympathy for my situation after experiencing two failed marriages. I also think the elder sister is taking the opportunity to be ‘big Sis’ & improve a poor sibling R w/ W after many years. Still, lesson learnt!
My two sisters have been brilliant; why did I not bring them into my confidence sooner? Both have agreed not to interfere, post anything negative on FB, or be outwardly aggressive/nasty to W & her family. They’ll keep family-family relationships as friendly as possible for the sake of S11 & S8, especially as the boys enjoy spending time with both sides of the family. It turns out my eldest sister is a WAW and had her own crisis many years ago. She's confided in my younger sister about this over the years but I only knew a fraction of the story; until recently. My elder sister now realises that the MR problems, leading her to walk away & leave two young children behind -now w/ partners & children of their own-, were not so insurmountable as they seemed at the time and could’ve been resolved through MC. However, after 16yrs any hopes of reconciliation are long gone but she has told me of her regret. She has also given me a deeper insight into W’s behaviour, as she went through the hanging out w/ a younger crowd, getting involved w/ younger men and eventually falling into a relationship with a guy, that IMO, could only be described as dysfunctional. Hopefully by having people like big Sis & all you DB-ers on my team, who know the 'playbook', I can avoid further mistakes.
Me 50, ExW 49 T21, M13+ S15, S13 BD #1: 25-Jan-2016 (EA confirmed & ILYBINILWY) Sept-2016 Mediated Sep. starts Oct-2016 W petitions for D Jan-2017 R w OM admitted/confirmed Jun-2018 D'd
