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Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans

hrnmmm...not really putting up a firewall...more of an alert system which ignroes the mundane sort of "I like cats" memes.

I'm going to suggest that you don't use your SIL's to inform you of anything going on with your wife. Why? Do you like that feeling of your guts getting all twisted up? I don't recalling enjoying that at all.
I certainly didn't which is the reason I first backed away from following her and then from even looking at her profile. The SIL are under instruction to only let me know if something "significant" happens such as her parading OM around. This is extremely low probability and it was a false alarm on this that pushed me to passing the torch.

Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans

Well...stop talking about your damn wife with her. : )
Focus on you that is what the councillor is supposed to be focusing on. Helping you, not helping you figure out her. Otherwise your sort of wasting your time. Bitch about her here, that is what we are for.

That's the plan for tomorrow. I need to get some help with my crisis. I had suicidal thoughts a week and a half ago - not good. They passed in time but it was scary. I had them after BD as well when it looked to be an "answer" to free WW and stop my own pain but I was able to see past the dark. This time it was just dark. Definitely beyond the scope of a peer online forum. I need to find a way to protect myself from those. I hope it was just a "one-off" caused by me taking a pre-planned week's vacation for my anniversary.


Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans

What are you doing for yourself, about yourself?
See because you can control that. You can do something about that.
Doing my best for now but my best could be better.
I need to increase my focus at work. I've been slacking off significantly.
I'm spending more time with my own family (brothers + SIL + brand-new nephew) that W had largely cut me off from (long presumably irrelevant story).
I've been calling and talking with S22/D24 regularly (about every 10 days) and have managed 2 calls with each without me bringing up W.
I take myself out to the movies or theatre occasionally.
I have lunch or dinner with good friends occasionally.
I'm slowly cleaning W's things from the house and making it my own.
I'm turning the flower beds and the inside of the house into something to be proud of rather than the dump that it was when W was in charge (cute, but not a good housekeeper)

Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans

Crumbs of hope?

I know what you are looking for. Success stories or strategy right?

They are here.

Good. Actually when I posted about "crumbs of hope" it was what you mention and I'll certainly be reading, but it's also with regards to my own sitch. Difficult to do while being NC so I look at it from the negative/positive. No letters from a L for example. No emptying of the bank account. No removal of W's remaining possessions from the house.

Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans

Spend some of that time instead of worrying and look around.
Trying my best Mr. Jack

Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans

It gets better. You'll make great friends here. You'll become a better person.

And you will discover the depths of your strength, will, resolve and patience, far far greater than you ever knew yourself capable of.

Thanks. I've made good friends on the Newcomer board and I hope that I've been a positive influence for others in crisis. I'm a huge believer in "paying it forward". I'm looking forward to getting to know you and some of the others here on MLC a bit better. I do know though that I am spending too much time on these forums for which I'm eternally grateful to MWD and her team for providing. I am going to try to cut that back / schedule / ration my time a bit so if you see me here too much feel free to give me a whack and tell me to go outside wink

Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans

I wish I had a pony...and to be honest if you used a wish for that I hope that someone would smack you when world peace would be such a much much better wish. : )

You will get through this, and you will be better for it, and maybe, just maybe your wife will suffer through her MLC and you'll still be there to help her put back her shattered life.

This ain't for cowards.

You don't strike me as a coward.


I used to have a pony ....

I'm definitely not a coward. I "am" a very scared man who is trying to soldier on even with the mud up to my neck. I don't know for sure where I'm going either.

Thanks again.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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AndrewP,

Are you willing to wait 2-5 years for her midlife crisis to pass?
Are you going to be able to stay single for that long?
Are you going to exercise, and stay healthy during that time?
Are you going to go continue to love your wife no matter what and always praise her in front of the kids?
If you answered yes to all those questions there is hope that you will have her back in your arms at some point I believe.

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Are you willing to wait 2-5 years for her midlife crisis to pass?
I really don't know - certainly not 5

Are you going to be able to stay single for that long?
I have no plans otherwise. I'm trying to learn to love myself more and am working on being a single person with grown children.

Are you going to exercise, and stay healthy during that time?
Absolutely. I need to do this for myself

Are you going to go continue to love your wife no matter what and always praise her in front of the kids?
Yes(ish). It depends on how much slime from her I have to endure. At this point I still have a strong love for my wife and don't see that changing. I continue to say positive things about her to people especially our adult children. Even those few that I talk to about my sitch everything is phrased more a concern about her actions but not about anything bad about her as a person. Splitting hairs here? I'm not sure.

If you answered yes to all those questions there is hope that you will have her back in your arms at some point I believe.

Thanks - I will hold this crumb but know that it could crumble to dust.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Why not 5?

Don't look too far down the road. Pull yourself along a few days at a time.

There is absolutely no need to praise her in front of your kids. Just don't tear her down in front of them. Praising the MLCer always seemed like a selfish tactic with the goal of the word getting back to them, always seemed self serving.

Here in a bit, you're not going to need crumbs, cause you'll be baking your own cake.

2 - 5 years that is just a number. Don't dwell on it.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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I believe that praising your wife is the most important thing that you can do right now, not because it's self serving but because it gives them a sense of stability and it prevents them to suffer and become possibly mentally ill. Ultimately it will teach them that loving their mom is a good and positive thing and that it will never change, no matter how much trouble she is going to give you.
Just my way of seeing things.

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I mean praising her in front of the kids*

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Quote:

and it prevents them to suffer and become possibly mentally ill.


I'd love to see that study. wink



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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It's sort of a moot point as Andrew's kids are pretty much grown anyway.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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I agree, his children won't be very traumatized, but my children for instance would become very upset if I started to bash their mother.

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Not hi-jacking here Cid, but I think your confused.

I NEVER said bash her, I NEVER suggested that. I said there isn't a need to praise her.

Big difference and a far cry from bashing her.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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