Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 26
J
JohnnyB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 26
Thanks, I really appreciate your help here and I also appreciate you’ve not had an easy time either. It means so much to hear from people who understand who unfortunately are also experiencing the same problems.

You have put it very well and it does make sense what you’ve said and I suppose it’s a time thing as well, it’s just such a very dark time at the moment and appears endless and all consuming. It’s also just the senseless waste of it all and after this emotional turmoil the realisation of what could have been. Thanks for the tip on meetup I’ll have look at this.


Me (H) - 53
W - 53
T- 24 yrs
M - 21 yrs
Daughter – 15 yrs
BD (W: I don’t love you – left house) - July 2015
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 626
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 626
Johnny,
Don't feel alone, we are right there with you. You might also want to see your MD to see if antidepressants can help you with your mood swings. They might ease the pain in the short term while the problem sorts itself out.
Yes, the senseless waste is the worst part, and the people that our Waywards have to hurt in order to find her "happiness."


Me-LBH, 48
Spouse-WW, 48
Married for 19 years
Son, 12
BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding)
BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA)
WW filed D February 2016
WW moved out April 2016
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 26
J
JohnnyB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 26
Its been a while since I’ve provided an update, but to be honest nothing has really happened, I’m still in the house, my wife and daughter are still at her mothers although I don’t know if she stays at the OM house and his involvement, obviously there is no mention of him. One thing to note is that she has stopped wearing her wedding ring a couple of weeks ago, actually she isn’t wearing any rings.

I don’t understand the delay why does she not want to talk about things and get things moving as she wants this separation and if she is with the OM. My problem is that I haven’t given up hope, it churns away in my head all day and most of the night as sleeping is still a problem 13 months after the BD. I think I must be deluding myself but its so hard getting past this point as it goes well when we do meet when she drops off and picks up my daughter. I have been working hard on being more happy and supportive to help myself and to also show how things have changed. GAL isn’t going particularly well but I do try and get involved and have continued to play the guitar.


Me (H) - 53
W - 53
T- 24 yrs
M - 21 yrs
Daughter – 15 yrs
BD (W: I don’t love you – left house) - July 2015
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 26
J
JohnnyB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 26
It’s been 14 months now since BD and although I’ve tried GAL, not very successfully, and trying to understand and move on I’m still finding it incredibly difficult. I know a lot of people say they dip in and out of hope about R, well I’m very much the same. I try and rationalise everything and analyse every interaction, I know I shouldn’t and have tried desperately not to but I thinks it’s my default setting when it all gets too much by saying to myself I’m still in the family home, there’s still no talk of D and no mention of the OM, I know I’m probably heavily deluded but where there are possibilities there’s hope!!

Why I have hope I have no idea really, she has not really given any indication about R and has stopped wearing her wedding ring about a month ago. She is always very pleasant when dropping off or picking up my daughter and does stay to chat, I’m always courteous and polite and well turned out, continuing to follow the rules of detachment, never prying or asking questions, letting her do her own thing and weave her own path. The relationship is never discussed its normally always about our Daughter but mostly she’s very guarded and never lets anything slip about the OM, she’s still very much focussed on our daughter, pretty much doing everything for her, ferrying her around taking her horse riding helping with homework etc. It was my birthday recently my wife did buy a present for me from my daughter, I didn’t receive a card from my W but probably wasn’t expecting one but I did receive one from my MIL saying to a wonderful SIL and made a specific visit with my W when collecting my daughter when she was over for my birthday. It’s a silly thing but shows I’m still liked and regarded as a SIL by her family.

She’s still apparently at her mother’s but every time I say I will drop off my daughter to save her coming over to pick up my daughter when she’s staying with me she says no as it gets her out of the house?. I do follow the advice in that, ‘don’t believe anything they say and 50% of what they do’. Any contact we have outside of visits by my daughter is via text, emails and phone although all are rare and always initiated by me but only about my daughter and her schooling otherwise I don’t know what’s happening with her schooling. She will reply although very slowly and my phone calls will never usually be answered straight away but after I’ve cut off the call following it being answered by her answer phone she will phone back a few minutes later and talk for ten minutes about our daughter, any other contact about drop off times etc she always suggests is arranged through my daughter and not her.

She is so fixated on my daughter that I shouldn’t think she is giving a second thought about our situation and what’s going to happen, basically we are just drifting along in limbo, I’m going slightly crazy trying to keep it together, I haven’t slept a whole night in 14 months just snatches of 2 hours at a time, I literally think about it all the time day and night, I’ve tried so very hard not to as I have a high profile job which I’ve managed to maintain and extend my own companies contract by a further 2 years which is a great relief as not knowing what the heck is going on has put a great strain on me negotiating the new contract.

I’ve often tried to think what I would do if there was genuine hope, I love my W dearly but I wasn’t happy with how things were, there would need to be changes she would have to really want too but we seem so far from that, also OM had wormed his way into our family and friends, he was my wife’s old boss (such a cliché) for a long time, they went on business trips etc he then befriended the family and worked with my FIL to pay for my daughters Horse and stabling, he also one Xmas will out me knowing gave my wife and daughter iPhone’s which he pays the contract on and obviously continues to do, I know it sounds rubbish why I let this happen but with your daughter so happy to receive it and there was no indication of any thing going on at the time I didn’t do anything except express to my wife that I should be the one paying for the phones. He was a trusted family friend for years and also 14 years older than my wife, (probably not relevant). It was only later I found the birthday and valentine’s cards expressing his undying love!

What I’m doing obviously isn’t changing anything, trying NC, detaching, applying all of the 37 rules we are still in the same position, which I think appears to suite her. These changes are for me to improve myself but I would also like to see a development in our situation.

In DB last technique it says to shock your wife, well from the only interaction I have i.e. drop off and pick up I have carried out 180’s on how I was previously to now and put changes in place, this has been done mainly for me and to improve myself as a person, as for shocking her I’m at a loss.

I know this is a rather long email, but I have no support group or friends, they all left following the separation and being befriended by the OM, the only one I really have is my brother in-law and he doesn’t really see my W and we never talk about it to any degree as it would be unfair to put him in a difficult position. Apart from him my brother lives a long way away and I have very little contact, he listens when we do talk but has no answers and I think he’s getting bored with me talking about it. I have an elder son who’s just got engaged but it’s difficult to talk in any details with him, finally I have my mother buts she’s in her mid 80’s so I obviously don’t worry her with it, I just help and support her. I know I’m such an idiot and probably a coward avoiding confrontation but this is where I am at a present, very much alone, confused, frightened for the future and sad about the past.

Really my only outlet to people who understand is this forum so any comments, thoughts, help etc are very much appreciated, thanks for reading. Johnny

Last edited by Cadet; 09/26/16 01:19 PM. Reason: merged posts

Me (H) - 53
W - 53
T- 24 yrs
M - 21 yrs
Daughter – 15 yrs
BD (W: I don’t love you – left house) - July 2015
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,045
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,045
You say you can't sleep and you're driving yourself crazy.

Why is it that you are refusing to GAL?

Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 386
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 386
Wow Johnny,

Thanks for sharring... I read this and fear what my own future might look like 12 months from now, you must be so strong to have supported yourself on your own for so long. Is there anything more you can do to push her more? ie cut her off financially, push for more time with D?

Is her R with the OM publicly known among her friends and family? And are they supporting it?

I agree with darkness - sounds like more GAL activities could help to take your mind of things. My best days are when I've got a day filled with stuff. For example I started learning Guitar recently and that's a nice evening distraction.


Me: 40 W: 45
T: 13, M: 11
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16
EA/PA Discovered 3/16
EA admitted 3/16
W Moved out 4/16
W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 26
J
JohnnyB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 26
Hi PacLove,

Thats one of the questions, how can i push her, she's not reliant on me for finances currently and theres no discussion or even mention of D as of yet. Darkness is a difficult one with my daughter, as i say thats the only thing we contact each other about

Friend and family know of OM as friend but i've no way of knowing if they know he is more or even if he currently is and if he is if they support it, there is no mention of him, but he spent years befriending everyone being over helpful always there to help.

GAL is difficult i'm busy at work and basically so out of touch with making 'new' friends, i go out but hate sitting there as some sad loner, everywhere you look there appears to be loving couples, i do go to concerts but again i'm tired of going alone so go less and less. I too enjoy playing the guitar which is very relaxing in the evenings.


Me (H) - 53
W - 53
T- 24 yrs
M - 21 yrs
Daughter – 15 yrs
BD (W: I don’t love you – left house) - July 2015
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 386
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 386
Originally Posted By: JohnnyB

GAL is difficult i'm busy at work and basically so out of touch with making 'new' friends, i go out but hate sitting there as some sad loner, everywhere you look there appears to be loving couples, i do go to concerts but again i'm tired of going alone so go less and less. I too enjoy playing the guitar which is very relaxing in the evenings.


I too found myself in this predicament, fortunately I've got some really close friends from Church that I've been having beers with on occasion. You can also try a support group for separated and divorced, it allows you to surround yourself with potential other people in the same situation. We need to go looking for people to talk to - the lack of emotional connection during separation can easily eat away at us if we don't find substitutes and finding some companionship in friends can be a great outlet! I have friends where I can talk freely about my sich, and I have others that it is not even mentioned and we talk sports, politics, etc.


Me: 40 W: 45
T: 13, M: 11
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16
EA/PA Discovered 3/16
EA admitted 3/16
W Moved out 4/16
W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 26
J
JohnnyB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 26
Hi Cadet,

I don't understand why my posts have been merged, i wasn't getting any previous responses from the old thread and followed others with a new thread, my post is now lost in the old thread, was just hoping for some feedback guess thats unlikely to happen now. Please would you delete my posts. Thank you


Me (H) - 53
W - 53
T- 24 yrs
M - 21 yrs
Daughter – 15 yrs
BD (W: I don’t love you – left house) - July 2015
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
I am sorry you felt that your thread was not getting enough responses.
We ask people to stick to one thread until 100 posts.

As far as getting more people to post on your thread I will give you the following advice

Originally Posted By: Cadet
How to get more people to POST on my thread?

To get more replies my suggestion is to ask questions.
Put you post down in a readable fashion. (not one big block of type- ie hit carriage return frequently).
KISS = Keep it simple stupid
Post on other peoples threads and give them support.
You may not think you are qualified but you will be surprised that you may know something
or have some knowledge of something that others know nothing about.
Personally thank each poster that does post on your thread or ask them a follow up question.

Keep posting! - (Most important part)


The above is more likely to work rather than starting a new thread.


Me-70, D37,S36
Page 6 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard