Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #3]

[Cherry]

Sorry to read about the latest developments. Just like the others have said, I wouldn't worry about it too much, we have all been there in that situation where we just really want to get off our chests what we are thinking and we do a bit of spewing for ourselves. Hell, when my h first dropped this on me, I yelled and cussed at him and told him what I really thought of him, never in my life have I spoken to him like that, and never has he seen me like this. Chalk it down to experience, it's done, it's happened. It gives you something to work on in case she [censored] you into another of these conversations.

Chin up, it's hard as hell I know. But your a great dad, keep thinking of the kids. These waywards are absolute idiots, they don't know what they want but are quite happy to destroy everything to satisfy their own selfish agenda.

[ForGump]

My mind has been ruminating on what my WW said about martyrdom all day, and tonight I spent hours writing a letter in response. I must have written a dozen versions, erasing each one, before arriving at this one.

I know it's not DB. But I feel like I have to get it off my chest. I don't know if I'll send it. I will at least sleep on it.

"I want to respond to your comment that being a present, attentive parent does not require martyrdom. I agree. I do not believe in martyrdom.

I get that you reached an unbearable point in our marriage. I agree that to continue that way only for the kids would be martyrdom. I don't want that for us.

But to think that divorce or martyrdom were the only options for us is absurd. You see them as the only two options because you refuse to give our marriage a chance to get better.

You refuse to talk about our sex life. You refuse help from counselors. You suffer alone for years, then you conclude that ending the marriage is the only answer. You reject the possibility that some good can come from an open, vulnerable and trusting dialog with your partner. Or that there just might be some wise counselors out there who know more about human nature than we do. You can't stand the messy middle ground, so you want to kill the marriage, and just move on to the euphoria of the next infatuation. You have done everything unilaterally, in your own head. That's a very self-centered way of living.

You are very present and attentive with kids -- I don't question that at all. But your unilateral decision to divorce means I will say good night to my kids for only half of the week, and do weekend stuff with them only every other weekend. Basically, I will miss out on half of my kids' remaining childhood. That might not be worth martyrdom, but it's worth a lot more than what you've been willing to give."

[Surfer]

FG

This resonates very much with me. My WW only saw these two options and you are right the third one is - to try something different. To use a wise approach of really understanding the issues at hand and dealing with them - working together on them.

However, your wife may have said similar things to mine when you ask her to try "I have tried", "There is nothing more to do" etc. Sadly, the things she has 'said' is her 'trying'. She probably has said everything she can, but tried not so muc, if at all. The only action she is most like have taken to change is to exit. Sad but it seems so common. I do wonder if this is about unconscious bias at times. I.e they might have unconsciously decided to leaves and they then slowly and steadily make their exit?

You letter makes sense. But a couple of points, perhaps she might not care for the bits about you missing the kids as much as them missing you? She might not even care anyway, perhaps she wants what she wants and that is it? Sorry but it's true, I don't think this letter or any letter would work in my Sitch. I hope it does for you of course.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

FG,

Looked back at your sitch. Sorry - it's horrible, I know.

This is how I see it. You are making a lot of contact and it doesn't seem that productive - it's stressing you out and you are not getting on. You are just beating each other up. Are you doing 'more of the same?' Go darker - from her, not the kids, and GAL. Try something different. If you keep being there for her to spew at she will. Stop being there for that.

Let's face it. Most of us on here will have to face the painful reality that our WS's are not really who we want them to be or who we even thought they were and we may never have our old partners back (if we ever had them).You R may come to an end. The sooner this is accepted the better. Anything that happens in terms of a successful reconciliation with a fog free spouse is a bonus. Look people drop off this forum. They don't stay here for ever. They either reconcile or move on. You will do one or the other. So will I.

However, is it really that painful all of this? What is causing your pain - you! Stop giving a sh!t as much as possible. Look at it this way, our spouses have fuok all in terms of morals - that is pretty clear. They only think of themselves and justify a bucket load of BS (which causes terrible pain for many) in terms of re-writing history, you name it. No morals and a liar - I am defining the character traits of someone you are begging to love you! I am going to do something productive with this thought on my thread. Pop over and contribute if you feel up to it perhaps?

As for the paperwork - you can always tell her it's her journey.

Just thoughts.

Surfer.

[Coly23]

Don't send it Gump, you know it won't change anything. It has done its job in getting it off your chest. Glad you posted it here first...

[lt0402]

FG

This resonates very much with me. My WW only saw these two options and you are right the third one is - to try something different. To use a wise approach of really understanding the issues at hand and dealing with them - working together on them.

However, your wife may have said similar things to mine when you ask her to try "I have tried", "There is nothing more to do" etc. Sadly, the things she has 'said' is her 'trying'. She probably has said everything she can, but tried not so muc, if at all. The only action she is most like have taken to change is to exit. Sad but it seems so common. I do wonder if this is about unconscious bias at times. I.e they might have unconsciously decided to leaves and they then slowly and steadily make their exit?

You letter makes sense. But a couple of points, perhaps she might not care for the bits about you missing the kids as much as them missing you? She might not even care anyway, perhaps she wants what she wants and that is it? Sorry but it's true, I don't think this letter or any letter would work in my Sitch. I hope it does for you of course.

Surfer.

FG, surfer is right. his post above is precisely what I would have said, though done much more eloquently! All of our Ws seem to have convinced themselves they have tried. As we educate ourselves, we see that, no, they haven't even taken the first step towards trying. Unfortunately, we need to remember that while we have been getting smarter about relationships and psychology, they have done no homework. They are still stuck in their black and white world.

Unfortunately, I don't think the letter makes any difference. I'd offer you lock it away and don't send it. There may be a time where it'll be received better, but there's probably no upside to it right now. It [censored], but I think it'll just end up being viewed as you trying to control her which is a negative as we all know.

Hang in there brother!

[CT1118]

FG - I am backing Surfer's two posts, Coly23, and It. Don't send it. You wrote it out of confusion, disappointment, anger, and fear. She will not care, it will not fix her, you cannot control her. OK? She will not care, it will not fix her, you cannot control her. Say that in you head again. Keep it there. Repeat it when needed.
Up & Down - it's life here. I have written many "letters" that will never be expressed. Some letters were in full and nothing changed. It feels good to write write it out though. Just keep it at that. I am a huge proponent of saying what you have to say if you feel you have to say it. But you must go into saying knowing - she will not care, it will not fix her, you cannot control here.

Hey, you are stronger than you know my friend. I believe in you. You are a great father and a great person. There are no martyrs here - only people who made mistakes, were part of joint mistakes, and suffer from the mistakes of others. There is no shame in trying to make right and move forward, only strength and that is the courage inside your heart.

[ForGump]

Thanks all. I won't send it.

[AndrewP]

ForGump - hope you had a good weekend and are still wearing clean boxers.

[hawker]

Sorry FG. It all totally stinks and I wish we all weren't going through this crap but I am glad we are here to talk to each other about things that are going on because we understand. My W is selfish and doesn't give crap about anyone but herself. Sounds like all the WS's are the same. Hang in there!