Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #3]

[AndrewP]

My W asked in an email -- very politely and meekly -- if I had a chance to look over the DIY divorce paperwork.

Suggestion - two word response that answers the question being asked.

Not yet

[albac]

Sorry this has happened Gump,

You think it was the result of her father speaking with her thinking you asked him too? Or just a coincidence?

Either way I think it is so strange the way your W is pushing so hard for all these things and hasn't even moved out yet. She has no idea what it will be like without you around.

Take care of yourself and stay strong you are doing all you can.

[ForGump]

I made the mistake of chatting online w/ my WW.

I made the greater mistake of responding when she expressed that I don't trust her commitment to our kids.

I made yet a greater mistake of telling her, "Come on, let's be real. We are all selfish in some ways (in our marriage)."

Then I saw the word "fvck" on the chat screen.

So I said I don't want to discuss this if you're going to be angry.

The last word I saw on the screen was "you [censored]" before closed the whole browser.

Not a good day.

[ForGump]

The last words I saw on the screen was "you a$$ehole" before I closed the whole browser.

[lt0402]

Hey FG, I'd suggest taking a break from the communications for a bit. I know the spiral you're getting into and completely understand your frustration/anger bc I've been there recently too. Better to take a bit to cool down and come at it after a good nights sleep.

Really happy to hear you had a good time w/ your S at the pool yesterday! It's amazing how the little ones help take our minds off all this stuff. Get back to the mood you were in there, before getting that message. It's tough, but do-able.

Stay strong brother. Here to support you!

[JRuss]

Been there, ForGump. We go again.

[Coly23]

Oh Gump, hang in there. I think if she wants to push for the divorce then she should look over the papers. Why should you facilitate the divorce when you don't want it.

[ForGump]

I think I was wrong to question her commitment to our kids. I mean, I honestly do question it, but I don't think that's a good thing to express to anyone.

So, do I owe her an apology?

Or do I stick to my guns, that the choices she's making ARE bad for our kids.

Is there some middle ground?

[lt0402]

FG, what did you say to her when she said you didn't trust her commitment to the kids? If you honestly do question her commitment to them, I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing to express to her.

The only thing I would caution against is putting the kids in the middle of this. I think it was Sandi on my thread who pointed out that I was doing similar. I've thought a lot about that and am consciously trying to not include my D in the conversations the W and I have around our MR. It's hard though bc we know just how detrimental our Ws actions are to their well being, so I completely understand.

I'd hold off on an apology if it were me. Maybe letting your W stew on your comments for awhile isn't necessarily a bad thing. Some vets may have a different opinion though. Regardless, hang in the FG!

[ForGump]

Had an emergency phonecall w/ my IC, who really put things in perspective for me. God bless her.

She gave similar advice as you, lt0402, to just chill for a while, but later be willing to apologize for making an insensitive comment questioning her commitment to our kids, and if she pushes back, be prepared to say (succinctly) why I question her commitment ("Because I feel you *are* being selfish right now, not having tried everything to save the marriage.")

Overall, IC advised, don't lose my backbone, and don't get deep into detailed arguments.