Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #3]

[ForGump]

Starting Thread #3. Old threads: #1 & #2. I can't remember how I originally stumbled onto this website. This type of forgetfulness is the very thing that my W would roll her eyes at, the sentiment palpable: "How could you be so well educated but be such an idiot." I have no come-back.

Recap: it's all right there at the bottom, in my signature.

Soundtrack: "Loser" by Beck; "No One Said It Would Be Easy" by Sheryl Crowe; and "Keep On Loving You" by REO Speedwagon (yes, I'm a child of the 80's).

For your reading pleasure, I'd like to offer up a few things I've found uplifting and/or intriguing. Since I can't post URL's here, I'll just tell you the titles of the articles, which you can Google.

15 Ways to Be a Better Person by Anya Strzemien -- some good stuff in there about human relationships. I do about 7 out of 15, in other words, I give myself a D+.

The Wedding Toast I’ll Never Give by Ada Calhoun -- “'The way to stay married,' my mother says, 'is not to get divorced.'”

Unexcited? There May Be a Pill for That by Daniel Bergner -- "But for many women, the cause of their sexual malaise appears to be monogamy itself.... For women who’ve been with their partners between one and four years, a dive begins — and continues, leaving male desire far higher. (Within this plunge, there is a notable pattern: over time, women who don’t live with their partners retain their desire much more than women who do.)" The article cites Esther Perel, my guru, “'Many couples confuse love with merging,” she writes. “This mix-up is a bad omen for sex. To sustain élan toward the other, there must be a synapse to cross. Eroticism requires distance.'”

Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved -- a TED talk. "Relationship therapist Esther Perel examines why people cheat, and unpacks why affairs are so traumatic: because they threaten our emotional security. In infidelity, she sees something unexpected — an expression of longing and loss."

[Jug]

Education doesn't make you smart or have a good memory.

Thanks for the info!

[JRuss]

REO Speedwagon is a guilty pleasure of mine, too!

Danced my first ever "slow dance" to "I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore" at a 6th or 7th grade dance. I wonder whatever happened to her . . .

[CT1118]

WW had an REO song as one of our songs since we were teenagers. Still a good song.

[ForGump]

Another day waiting for the next mini-BD: "Have you had a chance to look over the divorce paperwork?"

But it's another day I get to wake up w/ my kids around, make 'em breakfast, and kiss 'em goodbye before leaving for work.

W gets up w/o a greeting, cool demeanor, but engages me in minor conversations. I think about how the switch just flipped one day (months ago) from warm one day to the cold next. That's the day something flipped -- she crossed some threshold (most likely, the night prior is when it happened). Took one night or one day for it to flip, but it was long time coming....

[Coly23]

((Bump)), I'm so sorry. It seems like you are always waiting for the next BD. But as you say the longer you drag it out the more time you have with your kids, the only thing is that you are having to cope with your W's cold demeanour. IS is so hard....

[RDS]

But it's another day I get to wake up w/ my kids around, make 'em breakfast, and kiss 'em goodbye before leaving for work.

The one saving grace I have going for me is my D is all grown up and moved away. I imagine having kids involved during a M breakdown is a double edged sword. On one hand your own hurt is compounded by the hurt your kids are going through, but I suppose on the other hand the love and time you spend with your kids has to lessen the pain you're going through when you're with them. At least for a little while.

[ForGump]

I just take a deep breath every time the BD comes to mind and remind myself why I'm doing it this way ... at least so far. Not an easy decision, I see pros & cons. My IC thinks I should move forward w/ the D.

I just cannot in good conscience look at my kids and do that right now.

Honest truth is that if my kids were not in the picture, I would've done it. I think it will be a wakeup call to my W, and w/o kids, I have no hangups about S and/or D, I'd be just focused on what really is the state of my R w/ my W, and open to the S or D being permanent or getting back together. But you can't do that w/ young kids in the picture.

[Coly23]

Sorry Gump I seem to have given you a new name! :0\

[AndrewP]

ForGump - I took a moment and did a quick spot-check back in your threads but probably missed a bit. If I understand it correctly
- W has had 2 EA that are ended
- W may or may not be in a PA
- W is a SAHM
- W has not specifically said that she's looking for a D
- W may or may not be in the middle of a MLC

Is this correct? If not - does she seem to look to a future with or without you? For me my WW was positive that there was no future for us together and actively rejected any plans more than a few months out. Even though she was "sure" she was leaving she did very little to actually jump but would make little steps towards it and then stop like bringing home boxes and then hiding them. The actual mechanism around S and D was a complete mystery to her even though she had seen a sort of L already.

Are you seeing any baby steps for departure? Is she rejecting any plans beyond a particular time horizon? Do you think she has a vision of what a life that doesn't have you in it would be? If the answer to all of these is "no" you may be farther up the path than you might think yourself to be. Perhaps a direction change might be possible. If the answer is "yes" to one or more of these - then yes - wear clean underpants because a bomb could drop at any moment.