W won't tell ow not to contact her because: a)she's a people pleaser and can't take a stand/doesn't want anyone to think less of her, even an ow... b) she thinks that not responding to ow's email about retiring to Paris (can't write that without an eye roll) adequately she doesn't want to hear from her. But as I was just reading your comments above, W called. She mentioned a meeting - I asked if ow was in the meeting - no, she said, but this is a small town and since we all work together we should be prepared for when we see her... And get this, she said, "We'll say hi, how are you, nice to see you." I couldn't believe it! No, we will not say hi. No, we don't care how she is, and it's most certainly NOT nice to see her! That's why I go a little bit crazy. It's not OK with me to even engage that homewrecker ow in a conversation. That opens a door, and I don't think W is capable of setting a clear boundary. What now?
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
NYgal, you are the only one who can answer that question. W seems to be saying loud and clear that she is not going to draw boundaries to shut OW out of your lives. Are you willing to accept that just to keep her in your life? What are YOUR boundaries?
Yes, I would agree NYG. Anytime I see someone posting - I wish they would do this and they won't - it is always best to switch that to - what shall I do?
She may or may not choose to send a NC email to OW - that's up to her. What concerns me is that she isn't willing to take a necessary step towards helping you and your R heal.
So, given that - what next for you? Are you okay with putting your all into moving forward on this basis? From what you post about OW, you still feel raw about her (understandably) - but I don't think OW is the central issue here...
((((Hugs))))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
NYGal, I would ask W: "If you had been traumatized and had your life turned upside down by a man who happened to be my colleague, let's say he beat and raped you, or maybe he embezzled all your money so you lost everything you owned - would you have been fine with me greeting him cordially if we bumped into him? Because that is what I feel like happened to me."
Maybe the coin will drop.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I like that, Painter. I'll have that ready to go when she gets home in an hour or so.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
W will be in a meeting with ow tomorrow morning, early. So I'm a little uneasy. I think it's important to have that talk tonight about how to IGNORE the ow. I wish we could both retire and get away from this crazy place we work in. Last night W told me ow has had relationships with at least FOUR people at work!!! First of all, she's nothing to shake a stick at (unless you shake a stick at a snake) so I don't know how she gets so "lucky". Second, why the heck can't she fish in another pond somewhere else?
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Nope. she says "that's not me" I'm not going to ignore her. See what I mean about people pleasing? See why I can't trust her? She laughed when I said, what if my colleague had embexzzled money from you. Would you want me to say hi, how are you? Nice to see you! She refuses to engage. Stormed out of the room. I've been home sick all day.she walked in and immediately went to get her bike clothes and went for a ride. Came back and brought up the fact that they will be on a meeting tomorrow, then stormed off when I said my spiel. No sympathy or caring or anything. I'm sick with a fever and she's being a selfish b.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Well crap!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't they ever stop being a selfish b??? My wife is so selfish right now as well!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry she didn't show any sympathy or caring, I'm sure that didn't feel reassuring. Hang in there..
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
Have the two of you sought C since you said you were in Piecing? What did SHE say she would do for you?
The way you explain it is that you tell her that you need her to be a safe place for you in order for you to trust her again. Calm and firm. Then give her consequences if she won't do what you ask.
Right now leave out as much emotion as possible.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
