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Tony68 #2698337 08/21/16 04:55 AM
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2698342 08/21/16 05:16 AM
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Thanks Cadet, appreciate all the help

Tony68 #2698424 08/21/16 03:34 PM
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Hi Sandi

If you have time, could you look at the response to your post and give me your thoughts?

Thanks

Tony68 #2698507 08/22/16 04:12 AM
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I appreciate your kind words & encouragement.

Also, thanks for sharing about the church, and her resistance in supporting some the things that church believes sets you apart, outwardly, from the secular world. After moving to another church, could you see any outward evidence that she was growing spiritually, or was she about the same? I don't know if part of her rebellion began in the first church, but if she felt pressured by any of the members.....and especially by you, I could see her keeping that resentment.

Anyway, getting away from the spiritual side for a bit..........what has been done to help your son with his anger issues? If he still feels so angry at her, don't you think their R needs to be in a better place, before you start trying to draw her back into the MR?

Is he attending anger management, and IC?

I think I may have already mentioned how important this family needs the help of a qualified family therapist.

I just encourage you to not apply pressure to your W. if she felt pressure by the church, and pressure by you........it could have easily affected her feelings toward you and the MR. It may be what is holding her back, and not wanting to submit to any authority that tells her what to do. Know what I mean?

I have to stop here, but keep posting and I'll return.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2698576 08/22/16 08:15 AM
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Thanks Sandi,

Relationship between my wife and son is definitely a major issue, besides the pain it's causing my wife I know it can't be healthy for a son to have no relationship with his mum, I did send him to see a psychologist, he went weekly for about 2 months then stopped, he isn't in the same place as he was almost 2 1/2 years ago, I just can't see him lashing out as he did back then. Only way I can describe that period of time before my wife moved out is that it felt like we were living in a tornado, the boys and I could not believe what was happening, oldest son was in a state of shock, he's just not there anymore, I constantly encourage him to reach out to his mum. While his anger was concerning, they were low grade assaults, the judge was quite tough on the police prosecutor for allowing the matter to get to court, she felt that a warning would have been sufficient,so the matter was thrown out of court- no punches or anything like that... As I said though, still concerning.
I agree with you about family therapy, I think my wife would be for it, not sure about my son...his attitude is " unless you go back to dad you've lost me also" that condition puts much pressure on my wife.


You are right about my wife harbouring resentment, many of us left that church, the difference for most is that we look back philosophically without too much regret, just moved on with whatever good we gained... Not so with my wife, I couldn't even play any of the worship songs we sang back then on my guitar at home because she said brings back too many bad memories, she really feels that she was robbed of what should've been some of the best years of her life.

After the affair came to light in 96, she really did change for the better, the church we moved to is quite contemporary, my wife was really free to be herself. As the years went on though she began to loose interest, plus she began to easily take offence, especially with some of the ladies at church, actually she didn't attend church for a couple of months before the bomb dropped mid 2014. Now she says that she doesn't believe in the "institution of church" anymore, plus that " they are all a bunch of hypocrites" ... really not so, just normal people, many tried to reach out to her but she changed her number the day she moved out and cut all off. Her friends now are one old school friend who I barely knew and the rest are new and I've never met.


Sandy, as I read through the different threads I haven't seen a lot that deals with someone that might be in my wife's position, having to face family and friends, to be honest most don't think very highly of her at the moment ( I haven't told her that though 😬) 1 of my brothers said that he would crash tackle me if I took her back!!! I know there are many other issues, just think that is a big one for her.

Just another thing I should mention, my wife on a few occasions has said that " I don't think your going to like the person I've become" when I ask her to describe in what way she won't explain.

Sorry to be long winded.

Tony68 #2698627 08/22/16 11:06 AM
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Quote:
Just another thing I should mention, my wife on a few occasions has said that " I don't think your going to like the person I've become" when I ask her to describe in what way she won't explain.


Btw, is your oldest son still living at home? Does she see the youngest one on a regular schedule?

Have you remained faithful in attending and participating in the last church you joined? I just wonder how much of her is rebelling against God, Church, and H? Is her resentment toward the first church seem to pinpoint when her anger became more noticeable, or did it affect the MR?

Has she ever said that she felt pushed or pressured into the first church?

I suppose most of us feel that our situation is uniquely different from the others on the board. The outsider reading our personal story may see more similarity to others, easier than we can.

Did your W have a fairly normal childhood, or did she suffer any type of abuse? Can you think of something that happened before her A, that could have thrown her into an emotional crisis?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2698740 08/22/16 05:52 PM
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Hi Sandi,

Oldest son lives with me, my younger son has mostly been with me since wife moved out, in the last few months he has been staying with me for a fortnight then with her for the same.

My older son and I still attend church ( older son is in bible college which is connected to our church) I pulled back from serving at church which was the pastor's idea to give me a break as I wasn't in a very good frame of mind.
The younger son comes along sometimes but not often. My wife has expressed to him how everyone there hates her so my son, I think , has a tainted view of church. Truth is she isn't hated, although I think some probably have lost respect for her although they don't tell me that... Just guessing.

I do think she felt pressure at the old church, certainly from me, we were a lot younger then, we left in 97'. For a long time now I've left her to work out her own walk with God.

With or without the church factor I believe we would've had problems, my wife's upbringing was really terrible, she had a grandmother that actually hated her! I mean we are talking about an 8 year old girl who new this, it was her mums mum, when she would tell her mum about it the mum wouldn't say a word to her mother, my wife felt very rejected and undefended( if that's a word)
Her father had multiple affairs. When she was 12 she heard her parents having a major argument because her dad had given her mum an STD. So terrible

She, from a young age always heard her dad tell her mum that when my last child is married you and I are done. The day we literally got back from our honeymoon my father In law moved out. This delt a massive blow to my wife.

Her only sibling(brother) was your classic wayward husband, he left his wife (good woman IMO) and three kids (4, 2 and 6months) went wild then remarried, with very little contact with the kids over the years. Sad thing is my wife idealises her brother. He actually told her that if your not happy you should move on....this is what I'm up against. Plus mother in law always expressing to daughter how great it is to be free.

She definitely is troubled, even more so now with little to do with the boys, lost her job, lots of weight and family... crys a lot... Feel so sorry for her.. Just want to give her a big hug and take care of her.

It's hard for me to make sense of this whole situation.

Thanks again for your time Sandi

Tony68 #2698754 08/22/16 06:29 PM
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Just checking in on you. Sending a prayer your way.


sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
sgctxok #2698757 08/22/16 06:38 PM
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"By this stage my wife rents an apartment, moves out and is extremely angry with me for not protecting her."

Did she take any responsibility for her role in this happening?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
MrBond #2698789 08/22/16 11:06 PM
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Thankyou sg, appreciate it.

No MR B, acknowledging her faults has never been one of her strengths

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