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Luv1589 Offline OP
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Hi all ,

I'm new here and struggling. My husband admitted in June 2015 that he had been in an affair for some time (approximately 2 yrs). We agreed to work on the marriage. I'm a Christian and love him so much and thought we could get through the betrayal.
In October he walked out with no warning whatsoever. I was devastated . I signed up for Michelle's telephone Coach and tried to GAL. In January he said he wanted to come back and work on the marriage. At this time our lives were derailed by our daughters drug addiction completely. Insanity and chaos was our daily life. The OW asked him to come back at the end of June 2016 and he said he loves her and wants a divorce.
A few weeks later she threw him out because he has not filed for divorce and I said since we are paying for this household and can't really afford two homes that he could move into the spare room. I left town for a week and she asked him back the day before I returned. Because he is always calling and coming around I wondered if I should try to do no contact.we have things to do with our lives and must communicate but should I limit it as much as possible? I also own "The divorce Remedy " if anyone has any idea how I can help. I am so tired of hurting . 😔💕


W-57,H-55
Married-32 years
3 kids S-30,S-28,D-25
EA / PA ? June 2015
Walked out ,moved in with OW 10/2015
moves back 1/2016
still in love with OW and moves out July 2016
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Posts: 289
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I'm sorry about your situation. That's a lot to deal with. What did your coach say to do?


- m and ww in 30s
- s4
- m 11 yrs, t12
-ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM
- bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa
- 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
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Luv

I can see why you are struggling.

There are a few core issues.

What is the drugs issues with your D? Might need to give some history here. This needs tackling. Depending on how serious this might be the most important issues.

In terms of his R with OW. Not hat solid really. She kicked him out because he had not filed??? I guess she doesn't love home for better or worse then! I can't see a lot of longevity there.

In trims of him always calling and coming round; he is temp checking I believe.

Time to detach. Read Cadets link on this. His OW actions show we always want what we can't have. She pulled away, he went back....

Just opinion I am be no means a guru here. They will come.

Stay strong and try to detach from him. Stop being a puppet, his actions are making you react. Start by cutting the strings he holds to your feelings. He has not right to control how you feel. Stop letting him.

Surfer.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




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Luv1589 Offline OP
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She said I was doing well with trying to keep interaction light and friendly. He comes by often and I was wondering if I should try to be less available. This is hard without sounding contrived since he knows my schedule so well.I get the feeling that he can cake eat as long as I am available to fill his needs.


W-57,H-55
Married-32 years
3 kids S-30,S-28,D-25
EA / PA ? June 2015
Walked out ,moved in with OW 10/2015
moves back 1/2016
still in love with OW and moves out July 2016
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
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Luv1589 - you need to create a space for yourself to be calm in. If you can, tell H that he can only come to the house if he gives you advance notice and try to let his calls go to voice-mail so that you can deal with them when you are able to do it calmly.

You're in our prayers - sending healing your way. Be strong.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Luv1589 Offline OP
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Surfer thanks!
The problem with our daughter is ongoing and a nightmare. ATM she is in a psych hospital but may be discharged at any time. I'm sure this has been a part (large) of his running away. The stress and turmoil has been enormous. She was finally told by me August 6th that she had used up all her second chances when she had a drug dealer at my house while I was sleeping and used Meth. I'm stronger than him at telling her no.
When the other woman kicked him out and he was here he let her in again.After I left for out of town she got put back in A psych unit and then they discharged her and she ended up in another psych unit that night . She has been abusing methamphetamine and it has made her mentally ill. She has been diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic with delusions .


W-57,H-55
Married-32 years
3 kids S-30,S-28,D-25
EA / PA ? June 2015
Walked out ,moved in with OW 10/2015
moves back 1/2016
still in love with OW and moves out July 2016
Joined: Aug 2016
Posts: 30
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Luv1589 Offline OP
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Dear Andrew,
Thanks for your support ! You may be right I am entirely too available when he calls .
I will try to let it go to voicemail , he said he loves me and wants to help me find a place to buy and so we are having interactions . Since I quit my job June 1 to look after our daughter I would in no way qualify for the mortgage without his income .


W-57,H-55
Married-32 years
3 kids S-30,S-28,D-25
EA / PA ? June 2015
Walked out ,moved in with OW 10/2015
moves back 1/2016
still in love with OW and moves out July 2016
Joined: Nov 2009
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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Hugs to you! Sounds like a nightmare.

If I were you, I'd consider doing the 180. Sounds like your husband knows you are always going to be there, and so you are his back up plan while he is off with OW. Let him know you are moving on... Find a hobby, join a class... You say he knows your schedule, so maybe mix it up a bit to keep him on his toes.


H39, W39
T18, M16
S9, S7
EA suspected 11/15
ILYBINILWY 1/16
Counseling 1/16 - 6/16
EA confirmed 1/16, ended 1/16
H signed lease to move out 8/18/16 (day before our anniversary)

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Originally Posted By: Luv1589
Dear Andrew,
I will try to let it go to voicemail , he said he loves me and wants to help me find a place to buy and so we are having interactions . Since I quit my job June 1 to look after our daughter I would in no way qualify for the mortgage without his income .


Luv1589 - Welcome, I am glad you came here for support. This is a great place. Some of those whom have already answered you have been of tremendous assistance to me. I quoted you above. If I read that right, please tell me you are not considering buying property w/ a man who is stepping out and has actively left you for an OW twice? Stop that. Don't do that. Please elaborate on your thinking here...????And then no, the answer is no.

Next, you spend five minutes with my tag name in this place, you will find my open honesty about being a recovering narcotics addict. I will tell you this as it pertains to your story above. Yeah, the stress of your daughter using - that may have been a contributor to your WH's stress or a contribution for his behavior - it is not the cause. Also, the drugs did not make your D mentally ill. I promise you that. Addiction is a mental illness in and of itself and usually a predisposition from other mental illnesses. I assure you, I know what I am speaking about - 26 years of drug abuse, 4 years of serious addiction, I am not a joke on this matter.

Your D and your H are not related. Do not allow yourself to excuse or blame on for the other. If forced to choose, I would suggest you focus time on saving your daughter. Thats all I got for now. I want you to know, we all are here to help. Do the reading.


"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies.
BD: Feb '16
D: Mar '17
Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing.
S6


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