Out of in house S - On My Own (11)

[vise82]

Hey,

Had a ok day.

My sister was texting me which is good to keep in contact with her.

W texted me saying she might not go to soccer, she was no feeling good as the new medication is making her tired. I just said ok I will let kids know that if they ask.

I picked up kids from a home daycare that they are going to since baby sitter is on vacation. Feed them and bring them to soccer. W shows up late. and instead of sitting where me and S4 were she sits by herself at the end of the field. I check my phone and she sent a text saying she was now going to be at soccer. I didn't notice the text till she was there.

At first it made me mad that she does not sit with us but I fried no to let it bother me. S4 goes over to her to say hello and hugs her. He eventually comes back to me to sit on me and he smell like her. She must have put on a lot of perfume. This back and forth went on for a while.

Then before the game is over she gets up to leave comes over and says she need to go to another city to pick up medication. So I say bye as do the kids.

I cant tell if she is lying but she is on medication and saying she tied from taking it, shows up at soccer all done up ready to go somewhere and then leaves to pick up more medication that she cant get here? And to leave in the middle of a soccer game. S7 scored another goal but she was not there.

I know I should not give a shiet but its that it stinks of lies and I don't want to be lied to.

This morning I drive the kids to the home daycare. I have to drive past W street and kids see if she is home, she is not, kids cant figure out why. Its too early for her to be at work they say. I just told them they are going to have to ask her as I have no idea where she would be.

I think my point is I would prefer her just telling the truth that she is dating OM and stop lying to me. I don't know if this is something I tell her or let her continue with the lies.

[SH_]

If she is lying to you, what does her telling you the truth change for you?
She has already fired you as her h and moved out.
IMO, be careful what you ask for.
Truth is not necassarily less painful.
Stay in your lane
Stay focused on you.
Just my 2c

[vise82]

Hey SH_

If she is lying to me how do I know if she really needs me to look after the kids for her because of the reason she gives or is it because she has plans with OM. She has told me she is sick. Doesn't look sick, but that is going to be her no 1 reason for me to cover for her days when needed.

I have been taking to my family now, just my sister and brother. I have also seen my brothers new baby. W had put in the S agreement that I need her permission before kids can visit any of my family. She said its in there or we go to court. So its in there.

So I found out that W was not telling me about the new baby for months. I want my kids to visit the new baby so I have asked her via email for the ok. She is ignoring the requests.

She did not even reply, she sent other emails about other kids sport stuff.

I have asked twice now.

This is a terrible situation to be in. If she does not give me the permission I will have to contact my lawyer.

This is also going to put a strain on everything else. What does she expect me to do, she isolates me in marriage from my family then she expects me to stay isolated from them after she removes herself from my life?

I guess I will just have to ask everyday till she responds.

I have not even told the boys about their new cousin yet.

I thought she would have no issue with it.

What a mess.

[RAI]

I have been taking to my family now, just my sister and brother. I have also seen my brothers new baby. W had put in the S agreement that I need her permission before kids can visit any of my family. She said its in there or we go to court. So its in there.

Is there a reason why your kids cannot visit your family? My Ws family has been behaving egregiously and my kids are still exposed to them.

RAI

[vise82]

Hey,

from Ws mouth, she is worried that the negative opinion my family has of her will be brought to light to our kids.

This was her number one fear when she wanted to seperate. This was the number one issue that she would take me to court over in the S agreement.

From my perspective now that I dont have the love fog, she has treated me bad, she doesnt want anyone to tell our kids the truth about it.

From the early days my family has not treated her well in her eyes, they thought she was a snob and that I could do way better.

this treatment of her has caused problems in our MR so we moved away from them to save our MR. In the end I can see it was not them it was her. THey were not a factor for three years as we had no contact with them. Still the MR tanked.

My parrents are a different story and I want not cantact with them. But my brothers and sisters I have started to talk to a couple of them (big family).

How W can refuse our kids from visiting a new baby is unforgivable at this point.

I was on board with putting in the S areement about getting W permition first before the kids can see my family to prevent going to court.

Durring kid exchange I asked her about it and she says she needs time to think about it. SHe says nothing has changed. I said everything has changed. I asked her not not take too long thinking about it. then I left.

The longer it takes her, the worse it will look for her. I have not told the kids but at some point they will find out.

I see it as she cant say no. Its my family not hers anymore, let me live my life. If it goes to court no judge is going to side with her on this. It is life restricting for me. If I have my kids I cannot visit with my brother or sister.

All so W can save face infront of our kids? Really she needs to grow up.

She is out tonight doing the wine tour we did last year with a limo and her family. So happy to not be part of it this year.So happy to spend the time with my boys.

[vise82]

Hey,

Had a really good time with the kids. I think I over did it as they were asking to just go home and relax.

Took them swimming, to a dairy for ice cream, to a petting farm, to a skate park, and finally on a bike ride.

The next day we stayed in till noon for the kid exchange.

W as in and out of her house as I dropped kids off. I had to wait for her to come out before I said good bye and left.

Then a couple of hours later she sends a text asking if we are going to do a birthday party for S4. Sent it twice.

I have not responded. I don't know what to say.

Is this bread crumbs, temp checking?

How should I respond?

I was thinking of not doing a birthday party together. We have not done anything together since we when out for her birthday dinner in June.

So my reply was going to be we have not done anything as a family since we physically split houses why would that change for S4 birthday?

Also I think Its for myself, I have done some work to detach and I think having this party together would unravel all that work.

Also a couple of hours later she asks if I would give up one of my days and two nights with the kids so that W dad could take the kids for a camping weekend. W will be out of town that weekend and I was to cover her day.

I am having trouble knowing what to do. Its easier for me to follow the rule book, S agreement. It feels way easier and I don't feel like I am getting taken advantage of and I avoid conflict if I say no.

[rich4j]

V-

Going thru some of the same issues...crazy.

Birthday party- I sucked it up and we did it together. We both pitched in to help and manage the chaos. I did this for my daughter...not me. Now she is abit older but I would view this as taking one for the team. IF you can do it, be there just for your son, and not try to engage in anythign else with your W, then do it. Hard decision...but keep their happiness in mind If you think you will unravel all your work, figure out how you can make S4 happy with doing something too for his birthday maybe just with you guys.

I am also having to text/deal with my STBX more than I want to with custody already. And its month 1 formally. I am sticking to the plan.....I will actually say YES to her if/when I can to have more time with my daughter. And if in your spot, would ask to get those nights /days back to spend with the kids rather than just cave.....

[vise82]

Hey,

Thanks for the quick response rich4j.

I really don't want to respond at all, I want to hide in a hole , run away avoid this at all costs. I want to follow the rules, keep it the way the S agreement is. If birthdays fall on my day then I have a birth day party with them. If not I have a party my day before his birthday.

I am getting worked up about this, its stressing me out. Even the grandparents thing is. I just don't want to deal with it.

This is adding stress to my life right now. I just want my kids when I get them, stop asking me to change things. UHG

Maybe I should just ask what she has in mind for a party.
Maybe I should ask for that time back that they will be with her Dad.

[roist]

I think you answered your own question. Here
is my opinion

Don't do one together. Then let dates decide who does it.

Tell her that her dad should organise his time with kid when she has them. Otherwise it is your time. You can make an exception this time provided you get the time back.

This is not about being an ass nor even about not being a doormat, though that is important. This! Is about you doing what you want and respecting yourself and your rights.

[vise82]

Hey,

I have let this last few texts about the birthday and grandparents time with kids really affect me. I have been really down and spinning a bit. I feel like if I answer it is some sort of finality to it. Also W still has not given me a yes or no about letting boys visit with my side of the family.

It feels like I am choosing sides. but really with W waling away she has chose it for me. Also with her not letting my boys see my side of the family feels like she is still controlling me. It has nothing to do with her life why is she not saying yes. I did agree at the time with her on this but I have changed my mind now. At least for some of my family. This severely restricts my life as if I have my boys then I can visit my family.


I have not responded yet to her request and was thinking of not responding until she give me the legal ok for family visits.

We were both at soccer last night, I said hello and then there was nothing the whole game until it was over then I said my good byes to kids and W.

Get home and she texts me to email some kid details to a care provider. No mention of the past emails.

I think I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to do joint birthday party and that her dad needs to schedule days with the kids on W days. With they way they asked I would only see the kids one day in 10 days that week.

Now its just a matter of when to communicate this with W.
I was waiting for her to ask again, but she has not yet.

She also texted me this morning about school stuff for the kids, she asked me to go shopping with the kids and she can just pay me back her percentage.

Not sure why she is asking me unless it because I have the kids Sat. Also she is the shopper out of both of us. But now I will have to ask about that, I don't have a list of what they need.

I have been feeling the need to let go. To move forward. its not even about trying to save the MR anymore, its about saving me.