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I should include today's activites - Son and I cleaned up the garage and storage unit to prepare for my furniture and things being delivered tomorrow morning (I was amazed they deliver on Sundays!). I'm starting to look forward to getting it.

Then I chatted online with WH's (previously very hostile) exW for well over 2 hours. shocked

We have sent a few messages back and forth lately and happened to be online at the same time. A lot of things came out. I already knew that WH cheated on her with OW early on in their R (this is over 30 years ago). She now also told me she found them together at a party 3 years later, the year she and WH got married, when she was out looking for him one night.

WH and OW were drunk and took off in his car. She tried to follow them but couldn't keep up. He called her the next morning from a payphone and eventually came home.

I wonder why WH and OW couldn't just get it together and stop dragging other people into their Bonnie & Clyde act.

We have very similar experiences with our M's to WH. Except he behaved much, much better toward me for most of the time than it sounds like he ever did toward her. She feels he's a sociopath while I feel he's a narcissist. We exchanged words of sympathy and compassion.

It was pretty intense but enlightening.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,450
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Two U-Boxes have been emptied in a calm and organized manner in a surprisingly short time and perfect weather. There was a little damage, part of it from storage where WH hadn't handled it carefully. I wasn't surprised.

But it was such a treat to work with my son. If this had been done with WH, there would have been stress, swearing, non-stop hyperactivity, impatience over me wanting to figure out how to organize the things, hurry to get done, etc. Instead, we paced ourselves, took a break when we needed to, took the time to plan out how to best place everything, etc. I keep noticing how peaceful my life is.

I'm also noticing that I have lived in a high-drama/stress environment for a long time and it's become a habit, so it can feel like a void when no one is yelling and stomping around or having a crisis. I know this is something ACA deals with so I need to read more up on it.

I've taken a long rest so will start unpacking a little. Tomorrow, I start a part-time temp job that will go through mid-October. Then I have something else probably starting on November 1st. Not enough income but I'm just riding the waves for now. I had big plans about getting my own place but I've got to give myself more time.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,081
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Way to go, Painter!!! And what an interesting observation that after living under such chronic stress, the relief of that stress can actually leave you feeling a void.

It's actually quite profound. So much so that I had to share it with a friend of mine who is grieving a similarly difficult relationship.

Painter, you are an incredible woman, and I love that you are living in a much more peaceful situation. A peaceful void sounds like a major improvement, and eventually it won't feel like a void anymore... just peaceful.

(((((Painter)))))


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
Phoebe #2698573 08/22/16 08:08 AM
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Sounds like you are doing awesome, Painter!

Hopefully now that you have your things and no real reason to have to interact with H anymore, you can settle in and continue your path towards healing.

Congrats on the new job!


Me: 43, Him: 40
Married: 21 years

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Hey, Miss Painter! Just a drive by to check on you.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
Phoebe #2699271 08/24/16 12:08 PM
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Not much to report - thank you again for all your kind words and great confidence in me. smile

I've been busy with my new temp job, which works great for me right now, and all my other activities. Son and I hung one of my paintings over my bed yesterday and it really works well with the color scheme.

I also talked to a L who I think I can work really well with. He has a small practice and only takes on as many clients he feels comfortable with to where he can give them proper attention. He called me back the same day (not the norm in my experience). I got some very valuable information from him so it looks like I won't have to file for a D first. That is a relief, I thought I had to. Now I can just sit back and wait but have a strategy in place for what to do if WH files.

Otherwise I have dinner planned with a friend for Friday, afternoon coffee with another on Saturday, and many, many things on my to-do list, both work and personal. Staying busy helps, but WH, and to a degree OW are still on my mind a lot. First thing when I wake up and last thing when I fall asleep. I guess everything becomes a habit.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,081
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Yeah for you, lovely Painter! I'm so glad that the new job is working out for you and that you were able to find a L that you think you will be able to work with.

And you are a busy, busy woman these days. Maybe you should change things up a bit and try to break that first thing in the morning and last thing at night habit? Read a book before bed with a plot that [censored] you in, meditate, do something at the very end of the day that's all about pampering yourself?

Kind of like me shaking up the view when I come int my driveway. My parents actually accomplished that for me this morning! They set us a sign and a veggie stand right near my egg box, so now there's another cute thing to look at when I come home, and it draws my eyes to the left, vs. WH pulled his rental car around me on the right. Anyway, it looks super cute, and I am happy to have it out there.

I hope that you have a lovely night, Painter, under your beautiful painting!!!

Hugs for you, sweet lady. smile


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
Phoebe #2700337 08/28/16 07:31 PM
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Posts: 1,091
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Painter,

I am glad you are able to keep busy and found an L that makes you comfortable.

Like you I think about STBX first thing in the morning and only sometimes now last thing at night. Redirect your thoughts to some good things in your life that you appreciate. I wish I was a better DB'er to give you more creative solutions, alas I don't have anything more creative to help.

Sleep well tonight!


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
J5K #2700350 08/28/16 09:38 PM
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WH's betrayal is on my mind most of the time. Sometimes I can forget about it for a while (watching a movie, working or painting, looking at beautiful nature, spending time with friends), so I try to stay as busy as I can. When I am falling asleep or waking up, or when I wake up in the middle of the night (which I do a lot), there's very little to block it out.

Every night I complete a Spanish lesson or two on my phone before I read, then I take my sleeping pill and continue to read until I almost fall asleep. Unfortunately, my mind tends to start working on the unresolved issues as soon as I close my eyes to go to sleep. If I do fall asleep, I wake up after about 4 hours and can't fall back asleep for several hours.

Meditating seems to make it worse and causes more vivid nightmares. I'm a little bit at a loss. Actually, I just remembered that journaling seems to be the best thing to do and I need to be much more consistent with it.

I just submitted my college application! Hopefully I will be able to concentrate on the classes once they start and get even more distraction.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,450
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Painter Offline OP
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Posts: 1,450
I got 5 straight hours of sleep (grateful for little!) with the help of aromatherapy oils. No sleeping meds (ran out). Could have slept later this morning but had to get up.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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