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Ok so we are back to the original 70/30 agreement on the kids. Things got really heated yesterday morning but in my wife's classic form, she gave up and just wants to walk away. I had been doing good on LRT until yesterday. My DB book comes today so I will start reading but I'm just about done with all this myself. She is so hateful.

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Originally Posted By: SadDad8
I'm just about done with all this myself.


What exactly does "being done" mean to you?

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I'm just so frustrated. I want things back the way they were with some changes from both of us, or I just want her to be out of my house so she can run off and find out that she is chasing a fantasy that will never happen. She says this guy cares more about what is going on in her life than I do. This is completely delusional on her part. I have supported her through her entire career change physically, emotionally, and monetarily. Her entire case of tools was stolen at our emergency counseling session a couple weeks ago, I didn't think twice about allowing her to purchase new ones on my dime. About $800.

I keep thinking about her claim that I wasn't "emotionally connected" to her for this whole relationship.

Well...she tried to run out on me several times, so how exactly was I supposed to just hand over my deepest emotions to her knowing that she could bail and leave me hanging at any moment?

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Originally Posted By: SadDad8
I want things back the way they were with some changes from both of us, or I just want her to be out of my house so she can run off and find out that she is chasing a fantasy that will never happen.

Let's start over then. What are your goals?
That first thing isnt going to happen. So does the second thing get you closer to your goals? If so, whats stopping you?

Originally Posted By: SadDad8
I keep thinking about her claim that I wasn't "emotionally connected" to her for this whole relationship.

Well...she tried to run out on me several times, so how exactly was I supposed to just hand over my deepest emotions to her knowing that she could bail and leave me hanging at any moment?

So if Im reading this correctly, you weren't "emotionally connected"? Regardless of your reasons, regardless of your agreement, if she felt this way, that it's valid. You cant argue with how she feels, because you cant possibly know any better than she does. My point is not to tell you that you are wrong, it's to try to help you to look at things from her perspective. How can you better empathize? This will help you to better validate! AND it will help give you direction on your own self-improvement.

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Originally Posted By: darknes
Originally Posted By: SadDad8
I want things back the way they were with some changes from both of us, or I just want her to be out of my house so she can run off and find out that she is chasing a fantasy that will never happen.

Let's start over then. What are your goals?
That first thing isnt going to happen. So does the second thing get you closer to your goals? If so, whats stopping you?

Originally Posted By: SadDad8
I keep thinking about her claim that I wasn't "emotionally connected" to her for this whole relationship.

Well...she tried to run out on me several times, so how exactly was I supposed to just hand over my deepest emotions to her knowing that she could bail and leave me hanging at any moment?

So if Im reading this correctly, you weren't "emotionally connected"? Regardless of your reasons, regardless of your agreement, if she felt this way, that it's valid. You cant argue with how she feels, because you cant possibly know any better than she does. My point is not to tell you that you are wrong, it's to try to help you to look at things from her perspective. How can you better empathize? This will help you to better validate! AND it will help give you direction on your own self-improvement.




My goals? If we were to get past all of this I would want to be able to have a fully trusting relationship in which I felt safe enough to lay it all out on the table. Where I could feel ok about letting her in entirely and give her the "connection" she so desperately wanted from me.

The only thing that is stopping me from pulling the plug right now is that I know she is in a deep state of confusion, depression, and denial. What is going on right now might have been sparked by previous marital issues, but it has been stoked heavily by issues with rapidly ceasing an SSRI medication and likely a hormonal imbalance due to perimenopause.

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If I pull the plug and she comes out of this somewhere down the line and realizes she made a huge mistake...well then I feel like at that point we could have maybe made it work.

I am supposed to get a draft divorce agreement together over the next few days for her. I would rather it be legal separation so there is a possibility of going back without marriage complications.

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I would not do anything to help her. If she wants it, let her do it. This could come back to bite you later when she she says "you did this by getting the papers, what did I know I was sick". It could happen. Create a bubble of safety for u and kids and ride out the storm.
Please stop making excuses for her and focus on you. She may be postmenopausal and have ssri complications but they are not excuses or reasons. Therefore going on and minimising it only hurts you more. I see your intentions are great and your pain greater. You didn't cause this, you can't fix it or control it, that's why focusing on you is best for everyone! Take good care, rooting for you.


Me54 WH48
S18 D16
M 22 T 24
EA-PA-EA 2011-2015
Separated 10/14 - 06/15
BD1 02/14
BD2 05/16
BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again
Working on me and liking me again


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Yeah my parents keep telling me to let her do it.

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Originally Posted By: Buxom
I would not do anything to help her. If she wants it, let her do it. This could come back to bite you later when she she says "you did this by getting the papers, what did I know I was sick". It could happen. Create a bubble of safety for u and kids and ride out the storm.
Please stop making excuses for her and focus on you. She may be postmenopausal and have ssri complications but they are not excuses or reasons. Therefore going on and minimising it only hurts you more. I see your intentions are great and your pain greater. You didn't cause this, you can't fix it or control it, that's why focusing on you is best for everyone! Take good care, rooting for you.



Parents say if we pay the attorney and she changes her mind - we are out that money. Plus, you are right, it will look like I filed for divorce and I don't want that.

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That's right. Laws are different from place to place but where I'm from, the one that files is most motivated and ends up paying more. In my sitch, I will be stalling things as long as possible so that there is more time to let him come out of the fog.


Me54 WH48
S18 D16
M 22 T 24
EA-PA-EA 2011-2015
Separated 10/14 - 06/15
BD1 02/14
BD2 05/16
BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again
Working on me and liking me again


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