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kml Offline
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Girl, if exNG was all that, he would have fought to be in your life.

I'm not invalidating your feelings..... The loss is real. But what you thought he was is NOT real.....so in that way, you're still ignoring red flags and seeing what you want to see, just like you did with your exH.

Now I don't doubt that NG was a significant upgrade from your exH.....almost anybody would be! But when you say he had a "beautiful soul"...... Well, beauty is as beauty does and the rest of us here are just seeing s guy who wasn't worthy of you, who wasn't willing to put out the effort you DESERVE, and who moved right on to someone more convenient and superficial.

You need to expect MORE. My guy took a 2-3 hour train ride every weekend for a year to see me. Then he moved a mile away. He gave up his whole day yesterday to help me move one of my sons 3 hours away for college. This is the fifth time in 2 1/2 years we have moved this kid and he never complains. He's honored to be a part of the family.

He has taken my mom to the ER, does fixit chores for her, etc etc. THIS is the kind of guy you want in your life; not the elusive charmer who seems great so long as he doesn't have to do any of the heavy lifting in the relationship.

You will find the right guy, but you need to examine why you are still recreating abandonment in your life. We keep reliving those childhood issues until we gain consciousness about what we are doing.

kml #2698412 08/21/16 01:52 PM
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Wow, kml...amazing post.

G, my friend, I so wish you would see what those who know you see. I dont think you truly realize just who you are.

Because I know you personally, I sometimes find it hard to reconcile my feelings. I am angry at what NG did. But I want to find a way to not allow that to hinder what I want you to know.

There is a reason that our little group is what it is. Because when you think about it, we are all very different. What binds us, I think, isnt only what we have been through, but, also who we became as a result.

What we see in you is strength and courage and conviction. We see your willingness to look at the tough stuff inside even when it isnt pretty. We see your love for your daughter and your joyfulness.

I see that you dont always believe in you. Now I dont always believe in me either. Trust me on that. But what I do believe is that I deserve to be treated in a way that is respectful and honest. I deserve to have someone who knows what he has cuz I am pretty cool.

I know you miss what you thought you had. I am sure there were some very sweet things about him. But the truth is, you deserve better. You just do. And if he didnt see that you did, that's on him. If he chose selfishness and self-centeredness...thats on him, too. Doesnt make him a bad person, just makes him unworthy of you.

I have no doubt that you loved him. We cant help who we love. But you must always love you more. I know that is a hard concept for you. It is for me at times. But there is a real truth in it. If we dont love ourselves then we cant truly love another.

It's still stings what he did....because of who you are and because you let him in. You know I know what that really means. We dont do that lightly. Thats for sure. Sometimes, though, we allow someone in who doesnt deserve that gift.

I agree with KML...you need to expect more. You need to know, without a doubt, that you are deserving of being treated with respect and love. And that anyone who falls short in that way, doesnt get you. Because you are the prize, G.

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I have finally finished my paper and I can respond to the great perspective given by all of you. I'm less exhausted and clearer headed.

Don, I do really love and miss him. I have mulled over your questions many times, and with my IC. My love was real and while what we had while together was great, it wasn't what relationships are made of. Which brings me to what KML, UR, and WII said. I do believe if we truly love someone, we always hold a place of love in our heart for them. I let him go because I love myself. I didn't settle because I am worthy of what really want and what I really deserve. ANd he is not, cannot, and will not give that to me, and in acceptance of that, I will not hold my life back, or lessen my worth.

I will spend the rest of my life alone before I let that happen again. I want what you have Ellie. I never had it, not even with my ex. My ex left my mothers wake early because he was "having friends over" instead of staying my side the whole time. He belonged at my side every minute. I needed him there and he put himself first. I believed back then maybe I wasn't worthy. I made excuses for him. With exNG, I needed him to show me he I meant as much a his words through actions. I needed someone who wanted to be there for me and put forth an effort. because I was deserving. he went completely dark on me once when he kicked his adult kids out. I had no clue what happened, he just stopped talking to me and responding to me. He felt so depressed that I couldn't be there for him when he needed me. But little did he know, if I knew what happened, I would have hopped in the car and called out of work to be there for him. That never occurred to him I guess because it wasn't something he would have been willing to do for me.

I did not let him take take take without giving. He took the easy way out, to the easy, convienient woman, and that's on him. Absolutely. And that is so his loss. I finally understand my worth. I really do like me as I am. I don't feel I need to make anything better about me to win his love. I had a guy once say he didn't want an R with me because something wasn't "perfect". Yet this one said everything was perfect about me for him, except my distance. Can't win, hahahaha!

Iam seeing him in 2 weeks for the first time since we broke up. I am having dreading the unexpected emotions I guess. Will I feel something strong again? Will he? What if I do and he doesn't? None of that should matter, but the unknown scares me a little.

You know what was sad? I was sad when my feelings were gone for my exH. When I could 100% say I feel nothing for him anymore. For some, it gives relief. For me, it was sad I could feel nothing for someone I felt so intimately for and let in to my world, just like you described, UR. I think I may actually be scared to feel the distance to someone I felt so close and connected too.

And to speak to not dating right now, UR, UR right! This guy reached out yesterday and said he really appreciated my honesty and wants to work something out to see me. I don't even think it's such a good idea anymore. For 9 years I have had too much on my plate and no guy I have dated has tried to lessen that for me or work with me. That special guy will have to recognize that and want to give and understand. It's no one elses job to lessen my repsonsibilites or burdens, but someone who understands them and does what they can to make it so that they aren't so heavy so we can be together will be the guy for me.

I have not really had any contact with ex. We haven't had a reason to. Gabby facetimed him when she wanted today and we have nothing to communicate about which is why I am just enjoying the silence. I don't feel like dealing with the whole situation, which makes me feel like a bad mom, but I do have to do it for her. I will do it when I feel I have the energy to approach him the way I need to approach him, and it's exactly like you said UR. Otherwise, D is happy and doing well, we had a nice weekend, just the two of us all weekend long. It may have been physically exhausting and painful, but it was worth it. She had expressed missing exNG the other night out of nowhere. But the two of us have such a unique bond by being alone together all of these years, I don't know that I would have had it any other way. She now sees the addition of anyone else in our lives as enhancement, and certainly not a necessity. I think that means a lot and is healthy for the both of us.

Huge week coming up with a bunch of appts, cheerleading, and school. Not much time for anything else. But a going away dinner for my friend on Saturday.

I just keep telling myself I am exactly where I am meant to be right now.

Love you all.

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Oh, and your responses really helped me feel less longing for ex NG. which I needed, because I know we can't and shouldn't be.

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Originally Posted By: Ginger1
I am seeing him in 2 weeks for the first time since we broke up. I am having dreading the unexpected emotions I guess. Will I feel something strong again? Will he? What if I do and he doesn't? None of that should matter, but the unknown scares me a little.

You will have friends there to support you.
Never fear!
Those EXPECTATIONS really do stink.
Maybe he will not even show up.
You never know!


Linda

Me 65, Ex 64
M 38 y
2 adult S, 4 G-Kids
MLC 11/07
BD 12/09
D 3/14
Dating nice guy 7/14
Engaged to nice guy 12/17
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: RosaLinda
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
I am seeing him in 2 weeks for the first time since we broke up. I am having dreading the unexpected emotions I guess. Will I feel something strong again? Will he? What if I do and he doesn't? None of that should matter, but the unknown scares me a little.

You will have friends there to support you.
Never fear!
Those EXPECTATIONS really do stink.
Maybe he will not even show up.
You never know!


I am so lucky and happy to have friends there to support me;). it's the unexpected that is tough. I will be sad if he ignores me and doesn't say hi. I'll be disappointed. But the good thing is, I'm usually pretty good at keeping those emotions inside and letting the good emotions take the front seat!!

I do hope he goes and doesn't back out. Not for me, but for the friends who it would hurt if he didn't show. he's been pretty neglectful of them since his new GF came into his life.

So, I am taking a needed break from these boards again. I have been so thankful of the advice and encouragement. I love it and it keeps me with a level head. I just find myself wandering over to the other parts of these boards getting really frustrated, and sometimes just sad at what I see. I need to back away from it. Real life separations are happening to people who mean the world to me, and I need to focus there for a little while without clouding that with things that go on here.

I think I should probably also get some work done.

I love you all, and I will see you all again soon, some in 2 weeks!

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Hey G, what I've learned is that it's a very short and convenient distance from "giver" to "victim". Let's face it, us nice people get all sorts of sympathy and support from others when we get dumped/taken advantage of/or just get nothing back. People say what great people we are, he/she could never have someone better than us and they hope the swine burns in eternal hell (not that I believe in eternal hell but...). We're the victims, poor us...we always get burned boo hoo. But we put ourselves in that position and, in my case, I think it's because I don't believe someone could actually love me for being me...they'll love me for what I do (which is not really love but who cares, right!). In your case, I don't know what it is...kml mentioned abandonment issues and that could be it... who knows? I find, not just in my own case, that most people just keep dating the same person over and over and then wake up going "how did that happen again?" We make happen what we're comfortable with and what we know...and the strange thing about human beings is, it doesn't have to be good! You find guys who don't give back. Great topic for your sessions with the IC. On the plus side, you recognized that this sitch was not healthy and you got out (as did I). Big kudos for that. We can type "you are worthy" till our fingers are numb but if you don't believe it then it makes no dif. So, that's my send off for your vacation away from the boards...and you are worthy smile


Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White
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Good luck Ginger and let us know how you are doing at some point.

And I agree - always remember - just as I am, right here and right now - I am enough and I am worthy of love and connection.

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Ginger,
Sometimes we need to take a break from the forum just to relax and put our focus elsewhere for a bit.

I do hope that things work out when you meet up in the next couple of weeks. Keep those expectations at zero and always remember...you are the prize. You deserve to be treated w/respect and loved for the person you are. You do not need to pretzel yourself for anyone. You are beautiful, intelligent, kind, loving and the most giving person.

Be mindful of your foot and don't over do it. Please take care of yourself and your little one. We will be here to support you any way that we can, if and when, you return.

Take care.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2698867 08/23/16 08:00 AM
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Ginger,
I understand the need to step away from here as I have done so in my own way.
I have not read up on your sitch fully as of yet, nor posted much to you directly, but I wanted to swing by and tell you that when I read what you share with whomever it is you are sharing, I find you to be very intelligent, caring and on the right path.
I just read an exchange between you and another and am a little pissed at the disrespect sent your way.
But to that I say pay it no mind as you are spot on, both factual and IMO. No point in debates on the internet as no one really benefits.
So to this I say hold your head high, maintain that powerful, beautiful, womanly confidence and know that I have much respect for you in what I have learned of you and from you.

I am sad to say, but we will be closer neighbors soon as my d is speeding to its conclusion. But I am happy to see such great folks such as yourself over here in this hood and I hope to have the pleasure of getting to know you better via this virtual world that has brought us together under circumstances most of us would wish otherwise.
Be well Ginger. You are good people.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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