Piecing. Can I make this work?

[Georgia Bulldogs]

Lim,

Approximately 6 - 9 months after discovery day is when the endorphins you've been running on just crash. You've been on high alert for so long and now that this have calmed down your brain is taking a break. This physiological occurrence is normal and results in depression and anger. You start gaining back the weight you lost on the infidelity diet and find yourself getting snippy.

This is normal and the best way to handle it is to push through it. Get up and get going. Keep running and training with her. Ask her to help you push through this period. I'm guessing that she'll be more than willing to help.

Are you drinking? Is she drinking?


As far as the affair being a blessing, I agree with Sandi. You recover IN SPITE OF the affair. The affair is NOT a gift (cough @cadet ) In time your wife won't look at the affair itself as a blessing and she'll loathe OM. YOU are (and always were) her biggest blessing and even more so as you strive to become a better husband, father, man than you were before because that's who you are choosing to be IN SPITE OF the affair.

Every day that you make that choice (to be better IN SPITE OF the affair) you LEAD her closer to that conclusion.

[RosaLinda]

The affair is NOT a gift (cough @cadet )

What Cadet says is that TIME is a gift, not that the affair is a gift. Although my exH's affairs sort of were a gift to me, as they forced me to confront and correct many crappy things about myself.
Just sayin'

[LiM]

Wow. Thanks to all of you for stepping in with your words of encouragement. I'm definitely in a funk and in need of it. Georgia, you showed up with the right words at just the right time. I am in the 6-9 month period. I've put back on 10-12 pounds (I needed to lose some weight but not as much as I did), I have become snippy, a little depressed and am silently more angry about any number of things that occurred during the A.
I am not drinking. My favorite thing was to go to the bar after work, have 2 beers and as many cigarettes as possible while drinking those 2 beers. I've stopped going to the bar and have stopped smoking.
My W is sneaking alcohol. I haven't called her out on it. She will stop at a restaurant (without me) and have a couple of drinks or go to a movie theater to see a movie that serves alcohol. The other night, I felt she had been drinking (nothing obvious laying around but she was acting a little loopy and went to sleep at 7:30pm) so I went to check in her car and it was locked in our garage. We NEVER lock our cars inside the garage. So she was likely hiding empty bottles in her car.
I guess I will need to address this.
She went to train this morning and asked if I wanted to go with her. She intended to swim a mile and then run another 6. That's more than I can do so I chose not to go. I guess I could have chosen to go, do what was within my limits and then just wait on her to finish. I could read a book or listen to music.

I guess I'm in a place where I'm feeling like I don't want to try anymore. I have lots of negative thoughts running through my mind and most of them aren't real. Its just negative emotions. I'm feeling like she only came back because she had no other options. OM dumped her and I had changed so what the hell. Why not come back and give it a shot? Or maybe she came back because of the financial security I provide? My mind wants to focus on all the potential negative reasons why she came back and not on any potential positive reason. I don't want to see that she possibly came back because she loves me, is remorseful and is willing to do whatever it takes to fix it. About the only time I feel that her intentions are genuine is when she is crying or overtly upset because of the A. But she can't go through the rest of her life being like that. In fact, it almost pisses me off when I see her being happy or positive. And I realize that isn't fair either. I've still got a lot of ME issues to work on.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

I am not drinking. My favorite thing was to go to the bar after work, have 2 beers and as many cigarettes as possible while drinking those 2 beers. I've stopped going to the bar and have stopped smoking.

You're still in the first year of quitting smoking so stay diligent.

Did you stop to have those beers out because having beers at home encouraged or enabled your wife to drink? In other words, you hid your drinking as a way to control her drinking. Pretty unhealthy co-dependent behavior.

My W is sneaking alcohol. I haven't called her out on it. She will stop at a restaurant (without me) and have a couple of drinks or go to a movie theater to see a movie that serves alcohol. The other night, I felt she had been drinking (nothing obvious laying around but she was acting a little loopy and went to sleep at 7:30pm) so I went to check in her car and it was locked in our garage. We NEVER lock our cars inside the garage. So she was likely hiding empty bottles in her car.

I guess I will need to address this.

I think you need to address this too. But how? I'm not an expert in this area or otherwise experienced. I just know your individual (your wife AND you) problems are probably more than just the infidelity. Some peer advice is nice but I'd encourage you to look for a local support group like al anon or something.

In other words, infidelity is a symptom of the substance abuse issues effecting your entire family. Until that is resolved, you're not really recovered and she's likely to do it again along with a number of other risky behaviors. You're not safe with someone who sneaks off drinking wherever she can secretly consume alcohol. Your children aren't likely safe either as she buzz/drunk drives them around and does who knows what.

I'm not saying this as a prude. I enjoy a beer or four now and then. But I can leave a 12 pack in my fridge for a year and not have one. Sneaking around like she does is alcoholic behavior. The training she does is her way of managing it (dry drunk obsessive behavior). It sounds to me from all you've described on these threads that it's not the secondary issue you "might need to address". Rather --- it IS the issue.

But even if she's NOT an alcoholic, her drinking (especially her secret drinking) is an issue to you. You need al anon if only to help you establish boundaries like = if she wants to remain in a relationship with you, she needs to not drink alcohol. Maybe you say for a year. Maybe your boundary is she can only drink with you. I don't know what they tell you or teach you at al anon because I've never been or needed to go. Just address this issue.

I guess I'm in a place where I'm feeling like I don't want to try anymore. I have lots of negative thoughts running through my mind and most of them aren't real. Its just negative emotions. I'm feeling like she only came back because she had no other options. OM dumped her and I had changed so what the hell. Why not come back and give it a shot? Or maybe she came back because of the financial security I provide? My mind wants to focus on all the potential negative reasons why she came back and not on any potential positive reason. I don't want to see that she possibly came back because she loves me, is remorseful and is willing to do whatever it takes to fix it. About the only time I feel that her intentions are genuine is when she is crying or overtly upset because of the A. But she can't go through the rest of her life being like that. In fact, it almost pisses me off when I see her being happy or positive. And I realize that isn't fair either. I've still got a lot of ME issues to work on.

I'm sorry you are tired and depressed and would really just prefer to conflict avoid. But conflict avoiding will only result is deeming resentment as your marriage woes continue to remain as she continues drinking and sneaking around. Right now you are in a good position to erect and enforce new boundaries. You have your out. You can divorce her on grounds of adultery and everyone will be sympathetic to you. Divorcing an alcoholic in denial isn't as easy.
NOW is the time to make changes and work on things properly. You can't manage her drinking. She probably needs help. Such help could be a condition of you staying and bothering reconciling. [side thought - any such help needs to be women only - mixed AA meetings are breeding grounds for affairs].

I've known people that have called and got their spouses arrested for driving their kids around drunk. They make it certain that they will no longer participate in the game of hiding and enabling their substance abuse problem. Holding a spouse accountable is part of the job of being a spouse whether they like it or not (she's free to divorce you if she doesn't like it).

What a terribly difficult position to be in. I know you've probably been trying to hold it all together for years and what do you get in return, her betrayal. No one would blame you if you quit, but if I were you, I think I would TRY to address this issue properly while building a custody case on the backside so I could continue protecting my children from her behavior should it continue because if you do divorce her - her drinking won't have to be secretive anymore.

[LiM]

Did you stop to have those beers out because having beers at home encouraged or enabled your wife to drink?

I banned alcohol from our house about 6 years ago with my W's first go around with drinking issues. The drinking eventually stopped being a problem after counseling, changing anti depressants and discovering triathlons. I never banned drinking all together. Its not unusual for us to have a couple of drinks with dinner. But the binge drinking came back again last year when the A started.
The real reason I went to the bar? So I could smoke. I love smoking but I don't do it at home. I've smoked off and on for 20 years and I normally don't do it every day. Not even every week or month. But since discovering the A, I've been smoking every day. That's stopped now and I'm working to make it permanent. But that is the main reason I would go to the bar; so I could smoke.

You can cut the tension in our house with a knife. I've definitely pulled back emotionally. I'm still working out and making sure I participate in family matters. I help with laundry and do all the grocery shopping. Today, I helped my daughter paint her room. The OLD me, would have just left that to my W. But I was there the whole time and cleaned up by myself when done (old me would have left that to my W too). But I just get on the same level with my W. I wish I knew exactly what the issue was but I can't point to any one thing. I wish I could say that my problem is x, y or z so that we could talk about it. But I don't know what this problem is other than my W had an A and I hate that. I hate knowing that.

I've had al anon suggested before but I've resisted because I don't believe my W is an alcoholic in the traditional sense. She does binge drink and she does it to cope with her emotional issues. Does that make her an alcoholic? I don't know. She's one hell of a functional alcoholic if she is.

She definitely has an addictive personality. I didn't realize it at the time but when she got over the drinking problem several years ago, all she did was exchange one addition for another (obsessive training instead of drinking). I didn't realize it even when I came to resent how much time she devoted to her training. When the A started, she dramatically cut back on her training but then the drinking started. When I discovered the A and confronted her, training stopped all together and the drinking got worse.

I guess we've still got to get down to the core issue and figure out how to solve that so that we can not end back up in this place again.

Thanks for the words of encouragement.

[trumpet]

LiM,

The addiction stuff is scary. I know.
I was addicted to porn. It's been almost 300 days clean and sober. It's weird - I still crave sex, but it's not a 'need' like it used to be. Since I'm single again, and no girlfriend, I'm actually abstaining from everything. Exercise has been good at keeping my mind from wandering, like exercise for your wife is.

However, my ex-ww has addiction issues as well. I only could see the forest thru the trees after the D. She smoked in college, drank a lot (alcoholism runs in her family), then became bulimic before and after we got married. From there, she had bouts of depression, and went on SSRI meds. While that stabilized her emotional state, I think the 'prone to addiction' thing has manifested itself a few times since marriage, from exercise, to having lots of pain pills around, to using Facebook 3 hours a night, to fighting and giving into cravings (wouldn't eat and then eat one thing at a sit-down, was never good at balancing meals). My ex-ww OM is yet another addiction.

I say this, as you have started to piece - I think she has an issue, and you're not admitting it. Of course she won't, and that in itself is the tricky thing. How far down does she need to go to realize she's probably an alcoholic? Binge drinking and then hiding the bottles really is alcoholism. I think you need to bring this to the attention of someone far more versed than I am, specifically to what next steps are for you and her. I think she will need help. The issue is will she accept and realize her need for help.

[blueboy]

Hi LiM

Hope you and W are going ok?

Quick question me and my W are starting MC next week, wondered if you had any advice regarding this with the lesson you have learned from your MC?

[LiM]

Hey Blueboy,

I need to read up on your sitch. Everything runs together and I can't keep everyones sitch separated.

Once you are truly piecing, MC is essential. I think its important to find a MC that stresses individual responsibility and accountability. We all bring our own garbage into the M and we are each responsible for our own faults. You have to own your $h!t and your W has to own hers. A good MC will insist on that. Your W is not responsible for any poor choices or behavior you have made and visa versa.
I have found it incredibly valuable and I imagine we will be going to MC for quite some time. If you have more questions, feel free to ask. I'll try and get caught up on your posts.

[LiM]

Update on my situation.
My W and I have not talked much about the A over the past 6 weeks. I realize now that things have been festering inside me and I needed to get those things out. Some things happened this week that allowed all of that to get out and I'm feeling a little better now.

My W and I had plans to go to a social event last night that involved members of the "Big City" triathlon group (separate entity from OM's training group although some athletes are members of both groups). My W blocked OM's W on FB back in July and there had been no communication since then.
At the beginning of this week, my W was concerned that OM and his W might possibly come to the social event we were planning on going to yesterday. But because they were blocked on FB, she couldn't see if they had RSVP'd to come. So she unblocked them and low and behold they were planning on coming even though this event had nothing to do with OM's training group (but some of his athletes would be at the event). And right after discovering that, my W started receiving messages from OM's W. She has been sending messages to my W this whole time but none of them had been coming through. She is still of the mind set that we all need to meet and figure out how to heal together. She is also repeatedly asking to meet with me.
I understand that this woman is hurting and just wants the pain to go away. But there will be no healing "together." That doesn't work for me.
My W messaged her back and told her that we were going to the event and that it would be a very bad idea for them to come as well. They didn't come. It would have been a disaster if they had. It was a very small group in an intimate setting. I would have lost my $h!t had they shown up.
I've had an attorney draw up a cease and desist letter telling the other couple (mainly the W) that they are not to contact us anymore. I intend to meet with her this weekend. I will be kind to her but I will lay down a boundary that my W has been unwilling to enforce and will do that with the aid of the letter from the attorney.

Working through all this with my W allowed me to get out a lot of the frustrations that I have been feeling over the past few weeks. I have talked to my W about her drinking problems and it has been much better over the past 2-3 weeks. I will be keeping a very close eye on it.

[MrBond]

When the two of you decided to start Piecing, did you go to MC?