Cherry, h is filing. Need to detach more.

[Cherry]

Yeah he doesn't seem to get many hours sleep. Although he has just laid in bed all day and says he's slept all of today.

I don't think he's took drugs at all, I've been around people that have done various drugs and he doesn't appear that way. But I did catch him smoking, he's never smoked and always hated it.

He looks totally down, and to be honest, kind of pathetic. I've seen him ignore me/be quiet; but he hasn't appeared in this way before. He looks like a guilty person just dragging himself around. A few weeks ago, he appeared very confident, now he just appears totally the opposite

I guess this isn't my problem. He may blame me. He may not. But one thing for sure is that he's not looking good .

[Surfer]

Okay. That's good!

He's feeling the pain of his own actions by the sounds of it.

Sit back. Stay calm. Be kind.

We what happens.

Time to be the rider not the horse!

Focus on you and the little one.

Take care.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

'See' even. 'We' (duh). Rubbish on my phone. Think my screen is broken...actually I don't think, I know......

[T384]

Hey Cherry,

My H looked terrible during this time too. He lost so much weight people were asking me if he was on drugs. Life isn't all what they think it is going to be.

My advice re The D talk. Do you even need to have the talk? He's made it abundantly clear he wants a D and you've made it clear you don't. You reiterating that in words will only fuel him further. There is a difference between helping the D and stopping the D. Be in the middle. Do not hinder it, but take your time on the things you can. I received some very wise advice on here re legal discussions with H.

I'm going to have to speak with my L about that. Or those things will have to go through L.

This way it doesn't make you a bad guy on things and responses that aren't what he wants to hear. This leaves all discussions up to the L and keeps you out of the hot spot and away from conversations that won't end well.

Please stay away from him. He's toxic. He just wants justification for why he is doing what he is. Do not give it to him. Let him say whatever he wants to people... The ones that know
And love you KNOW the truth and that's what matters. I was so concerned with what he was telling our friends until one day my dad told me - do you think the people
That believe that crap are your friends?? Your friends know you better than to even think twice about believing that garbage. It is very true.

Also, be careful who you speak to. I learned quickly who my real friends were.

I would not give him any information. Just say you will have your L reach out to his to discuss further proceedings.

[Cherry]

The past few days, especially since he has been ignoring my son, I seemed to naturally just move my focus to S. Making sure we go out and we have fun, we feel love. And I realise however tough all of this is- so long as I have my babies, I'll be okay.

Wh is way too much of a toxic land to even go near at the moment. What concerns me is he is in a rush to decide our families fate all based on his emotions.

[Cherry]

Okay thanks for that T. That is my point entirely re this D talk. What's the point when all it would conclude in him saying he wants it, and me saying that I don't.

That's very true, and I was half expecting his attempts to fire me up. So far I've deprived him of them, and I'm making sure to really think before I act. I think he is closely watching me and pushing me to try and provoke a reaction of some sort so he can turn round and say "see, this is why I want a divorce". So I'm making sure I deprive him of that.

His own mom told him to go away and stop talking when he tried to insinuate I had done something. Maybe some people may believe him.. But deep down, he knows it isn't true. And I know I don't give a fvck. I've nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of. It's like he's trying to throw me in this hole he has made for himself. But nah ah, I ain't joining you honey!

[T384]

That's just part of the script. I swear it's like they all have the same manual to follow on what to do to screw up your life and look like an ass!

Just continue doing what you're doing. You will get there. I know it's hard and I struggled for a couple months before I started to really detach and come off that way to him.

It's like something in the air changes and they sense when you're letting go. I would just make a list of questions for the L tomorrow and write them down because you will likely be emotional and forget things to ask. I had a binder and notebookk with all important paperwork etc. I figured if I'm getting a D which I don't want I mind as well get as much as I deserve!!

[MMM1919]

Cherry, I so relate. The last "r" talk I had was one of which we determined we are at a stalemate. He wants D and I don't.

I haven't been able to read all of your posts, but what about therapy? At least to get some type of closure?

[Cherry]

Thanks T. I've started to find things a bit easier the last week. There's not really been tears, and white anger has been a friend of mine.

I've an organiser at the ready for the L's. I just want to make sure that I get a fair deal, and custody of my babies. I don't mind him seeing them, taking them out. But they will remain living with me. And also his savings in his name that I've helped him save, I feel I deserve a cut of that.

It does seem all very script behaviour. Especially as his behaviour gets stranger by the day.

Mmm, it seems like the most pointless conversation in the world. Is your H planning on filing soon? I feel for you. Yeah I'm going to return to IC for my own benefit. And there's mental health midwives who can offer support and counselling whilst pregnant. There's zero point of seeing a MC as he will just use it as an excuse to say "look I've tried everything".

[Cherry]

Met with the L, so now I'm a bit more clued up than before.
Only thing is, I've been told even if I was to contest, it would go to court and would be granted.
I know he would pay child support, spouse support and he would push for 50% of his savings.
My L would also put forward that my H would pay my legal costs, and that I will go for full custody. He would have access whenever he wants, days out etc. But the children live with me, I put them to bed and get them up in the morning.

Timescales I'm looking at, if he agrees to costs etc- 4-6 months and I will be divorced.

So while h is wanting this d, I have no choice in the matter. He knows my feelings. He knows I don't want this. But there's no option. He wants it, he will get it.

His convo re d, is pointless. If he brings up costs, settlements. I shall simply tell him, I don't want this. So I will just have to consult a L and they will deal with it on my behalf.