Detaching to reconnect

[Surfer]

How disappointing!!!

Actually, I saw your post earlier. I can't imagine how he is not feeling so rejected by your S. Your S is wary of him, he doesn't trust his own Dad? That would kill me.

I am going to try and read some of Sandi's posts on WW later. She always makes me see things a bit clearer. It helps stop the frustration.

[Surfer]

Thanks for the post BTW.

[Cherry]

Do anything productive that helps, read back over your thread and see the journey you've been on and the advise you've been given. You've been doing great. Just a little wobble.

I know. It hurts in a way to see him this withdrawn and depressed. He's lay in bed all day today doing absolutely nothing. I was ordering food so I took the moral high ground and asked did he want anything ordering. That took him by surprise. Can eat it in his man cave for all I care. But I wasn't playing tit for tat.

[Surfer]

Very gracious Cherry. Be that lady!

[Cherry]

That's just who I am. He doesn't deserve my grace. He wants to have the R talk soon. Told me he's spoken to his L and we need to talk about what the next actions are. Don't have a clue how to handle that. He wants it, I don't. How do you move along with that. He's just going to file anyway.

[Surfer]

Cherry,

I can't really tell you how to handle that. I can tell you my views and what I did however and we still have a MR (not the best but we are all there).

I explained before how there are my principles and hers. I have family and the MR at my core. I wouldn't plot to murder a person or a MR. This is her journey. I said I understand that you are having a tough time with your choices, but put they are yours. I won't join in the plot to murder our marriage. I fully recognise that you feel the need to do this and accept this though. I am not saying I don't understand. Quite the opposite, I just don't agree that this is the right thing to do.

She then asked attempted to D, that halted. Then asked me to go to a mediator. I did, send papers to authorise, she hasn't. This is months ago.

Every sitch is different. You could pull out the big guns and push for the D yourself, but you might be doing something you regret then you have to live with it. Sandi wrote a brief bit on this the other day. I am sure you will have read it. I think doing things you don't regret is important.

Assuming your H is not on drugs (and okay he's smoking - I wouldn't worry too much about that) he is looking pale and skinny because of stress. Because his choices and actions are messing with his mind. Do you want to ease his mind and join in his plot,to murder your R, to take away his guilt.

I know I don't. I told my kids I would not D mummy. I intend to stick to that.

She said the other day, why do I get made to feel like the leper? He's getting the same feeling from your MIL but most importantly - from himself due to his own actions.

Hope this helps.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

So, I have a lot to do today, kids will be back later and I am taking them on an exciting fun packed break. Best get their clothes ironed and packed and my work done!

WW was out with the Man Bashers or OM last night. Was pretty gutted she had dumped the kids with her parents so she could have whatever fun her WW desired. I decided I would head for a beer to get some company and cheer myself up. In fairness it worked.

Reflecting on this, besides her dumping the kids I felt angry because she was out GAL in a way I consider inappropriate. I know that is me being irrational given the sitch but it makes me fume to think she is out with people that support her W ways. Her friends are real man bashers and an OM would hardly be supportive, even if validating for his own end, it's nothing but man bashing ultimately.

So yes, it wasn't just about the kids being dropped its the fact that she did it for her to be validated for the behaviour I despise in her. Perhaps that comes across as very controling or bitter. But what I really wish is that we could be happy and cuddled up on the sofa watching a film. All this going out with friends, festivals, girls weekenders, girlie holidays etc. It's all a million miles from what I want. What we did - family holidays, meals in, family meals, meals out etc.

I need to detach again harder. I have been reading Sandis posts a lot again recently. She wrote about the WS only reacting when their emotions no longer have an effect. Effectively when the strings/ropes they try to pull don't work, they stop being able to make you dance - like their puppet, dancing to their tune. Then they get distressed.

Okay, I am taking those strings off at this end now. I need to remember this and my motivation for this action of again detaching. It's not because I want her back, in fact I don't want her back. That would be dysfunctional - I want my W (not my WW) back. So I am not doing it for my WW, or my W. I am doing it because nobody pulls my strings to make me dance.

Surfer.

[Si_07]

Hi Surfer, I have been having a big wobble the last week or so. My WW admits she broke but doesn't want to work at putting us right. I have been to attached again trying to find a way to get through to her what she is doing, especially to the kids but I'm just hurting myself.

Like you, I need to drop the rope again and let her walk her own journey. I would love to see the W I used to know but she is stil broken and gone. I need to remember the words Sandi and others have said that I didn't break her and I can't fix her.

Have a great time with your kids, they need us now more than ever!

[Coly23]

Wow Surfer, I like that! I haven't spoken or seen my H for nearly two weeks now and it still feels like he's tugging at my strings! Trying so hard to detach/cut the strings but at the moment I so desperately want to talk to/see him. Wish I had the courage to detach from him as much as he from me. Makes me so sad....

With the going out stuff, I can't see how that is sustainable. It might be novelty at the moment but eventually she will realise it really is a young person's game. Having a 15 year old always reminds me (she reminds me often) that I have had my time and now all I want to do is snuggle on the sofa. Not saying that I don't go out and enjoy myself with my friends, which I am trying to ensure I do more of now, but all I want to do at the end of a night out is to come home to my H....

[Surfer]

Si,

Thanks for dropping by. I tend to spend time on everyone else's threads and forget to post my thoughts and feelings. I am glad I did as your message hit home as did Coly's.

These wobbles are just that. Its kind of akin to falling over in a blizzard, the journey is hard but stay the course. I cant bail, I have invested too much in this. Much to the contrary of the advice of people close to me - who care but just don't get it.

When she say's she 'broke', do you mean, she faltered - if so, in what way? Do you have a DB coach or IC? Have you told them this? I can only presume this is good news? I will try and read up on your sitch. mega busy at present. I guess be careful she is not temp/testing (or checking your strings are still attached).

I agree I didn't break her, but I did contribute to the slide in the relationship - nothing very abnormal (not validating enough basically at the core) but I have to accept that. You are right I can not fix her.

I know you still love your W and miss her - I can really see this in your text (I feel for you there, I totally get it). But you are right she is gone. At times I try to think, perhaps its better to 'act as if' I am a widower, single parent - to help detaching. But there's going dark and there's going morbid .

I managed to do really well a few weeks ago, thought I was totally in the clear - as she had been away for 10 days with the kids (didn't ever need to see her again). However, it only takes a second and they tie those strings on and before you know it you are doing the jig to her tune in the way Pinocchio might to Gepetto's accordion! Ha ha - such a tangled web. You have to find some humour in all this.

Thanks, we will have a blast!!!

Surfer.