Glad to hear you contacted an attorney! It's a first step. You can talk, find out what to expect, then, decide if you are ready for that step or not. No commitment needed. I hope your H wouldn't turn on you if you do decide to leave the company. At least you have given him warning.
We sound a lot alike. I am so friendly to all, even strangers. I think that is why it's impossible for me to be mean or aloof to H. I also think sometimes he is only nice to me to keep me calm and in check, because if I get disrespected, all bets are off! Sometimes I wonder if H thinks to himself that he has me so fooled....but then, it's his conscious he has to live with. Right? We should remain true to ourselves, stay authentic
Sending (((hugs))) back 2T
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
I'm glad that you've decided to see a lawyer about the business. Keep the info to yourself and until you decide what you are going to do about the relationship as well as how you plan to deal w/the business relationship, etc.
If he should say something about your leaving the business, you can point out that it's just a business and as a partner, you have decided it would be much healthier for you to start fresh elsewhere.
Yes, he's going to be madder than an old wet hen because he relies on you so heavily to take care of things, but that's the consequence of his actions/choices and he'll have to get use to doing for himself. It's just business and you aren't doing this to punish him, but to help yourself out of an uncomfortable situation.
Enjoy your time away from the office.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
2times - It is always helped me to deal with MLC under two categories "business" and "personal" - I would not be honoring myself or the man I married if I didn't attend to the business side of things to protect myself and minimize damage. The man I married would never want me to ba a burden to our children or to be destitute. I kept this philosophy side of thing in the forefront and treated the personal stuff entirely different. I read MWD and focused on GAL and struggled immensely with the emotions but I have never regretted my focus on the business side because it allowed me to come out the other side with some control. You are being very strong and are amazing. It is very hard to face the unimaginable but you are doing it my friend.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Hi 2T ... Wow, what a revelation ... it's so hard to think of things like that as a gift, but they really are: imagine going several more months not knowing the information you now have?
I echo Gwen here: separate out the business vs the personal. It's so much easier to take care of yourself when you do that. My atty said in our first meeting that because I was a business person I would have a much easier time doing that and it was essential to taking care of myself ... that's proven to be one of the most honest statements of the past 18 months of my life. I share it with you in hopes that it helps you as you go through this next phase.
Keep posting, we're all here for you honey. xoxoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Job, I'll keep my "comings and goings" under the radar until I have a clear direction and understanding of what needs to be done.
You are so right. He couldn't live the life he's living right now without me managing his business here and depositing his paychecks for him. In that respect, he's had the life of Riley and will be very angry when I head in a direction that threatens that.
The thing is, if he decided to come back, I don't think there is any way he could ever convince me that his return was for any other reason than money and his desire to keep me working in the business. And I can't imagine ever just accepting that he did something nice for me and not have this suspicion that he's playing me because he wants something from me.
Gwen and bttrfly, you are both so right about separating the business vs the personal. I tell myself frequently when thinking about the business end that it's just business ... we are just two partners working out a business deal. Nothing else.
On the personal side, when I consider his behavior, especially the drugs and assaulting people on the side of the road, I know I simply don't want that kind of person in my life. It boggles my mind that he's become the person he has. I'm beginning to think that money and business success brought a monster to the surface.
I don't want to continue working with him and I don't want this kind of guy in my life, but it's still difficult to embrace the direction I'm going. This isn't the direction I would have chosen for myself. I feel like I've been hurled down this path by H and I'm forced to accept it and make the best that I can out of it.
I try to remind myself that many have been in this place before and survived (and even prospered) and I will do the same.
One of the most difficult things to get past is I feel like I've been used and when H decided he didn't "need" me anymore, he tossed me aside and walked away. Unfortunately for him, I think he realizes he was little premature and is trying to control things to his benefit.
I'm still sorting out why I would let someone use me like that and not see it for what it was. I suspect I did realize what was going on years ago, but chose to stick my head in the sand and ignore it. The question is why? I'll keep exploring that.
Anyway, H called last night while I was eating dinner. It's the first time he's called here since he left and it was 5:30am where he is. He asked how my little stay-cation was going and I said fine and turned the convo to business. It was a brief call and he hung up fairly quickly saying he was sorry he interrupted my dinner.
The call was followed up with a text saying he needed a place to stay when he comes back and would prefer to stay here, but would get a hotel if that's what I wanted. He asked me to think about it.
I did and decided to say okay. My reasoning is that if he stays at a hotel, he'll charge it to the business since in his mind, he's "traveling" for business. I'm pretty sure the tax man would frown on that deduction and I really don't want to get into an argument over that. I have bigger battles to fight.
So I replied to his text this morning with "Staying here at the house is fine." Nothing more.
He responded, "Thanks. I'll manage a permanent solution asap."
I didn't respond.
I want to thank everyone for their support and encouragement. You have no idea how much I value my "family" here.
xoxoxo 2T
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
2T firstly I wanted to thank you for stopping by my thread. I really appreciate your advice, and what you said about the OW being jealous of me really helped. I didn't think there was a cure for the "mind movies", but I'm working on it.
As you know I've not been around the forum much, we are still at my mum's and with my 3 children and sister's two it is madness most of the time. I just read your latest posts thought sand I had to reply. Honey I agree with you, it is time to get some legal advice. He must be insane to not see what he is about to lose, and Luke you I would struggle to trust him if he ever came back. I would worry it is for financial reasons, even if it's not. I don't understand why he would ever jeopardise what you had, but then again I don't understand MLC at all. I also don't understand why a grown up man would risk wis business, family and loving wife over drugs and an OW, but that's an even harder question to answer.
Huge hugs to you sweetie, you have worked so hard to give your marriage and business the best chance. I think you are an inspiration to us all, and one day he will be truly "awakened" to the level of his stupidity but it will be too late for him.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
You are very nice to allow H to stay with you again, I get your reasoning. Make sure you keep your decisions in regards to him about what is best for YOU. You seem to me to be a very thoughtful, giving and considerate person.....prime for a MLC"er to take advantage of.
Your question, about why you would let someone treat you this way for so long, resonates with me. I think it's because we have a hard time accepting they are no longer who we thought they were? But I also think we are getting there and will be happy down the road that we took the time we did to work through it.
Sending you good wishes, hope you are having a nice weekend. M
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
I am trying to make decisions based on what is best for me. But, you're right. I am a very considerate person and I am ripe for a MLCer to take advantage of. I have never been the kind of person that would intentionally do or say something to hurt someone else. That's one of the things I've come to really understand about myself. I've come to realize there is a line between being polite and considerate and not being a doormat to others.
I have a really long fuse (in spite of the rants you read on here) and someone has to push me pretty far before I react and stand up for myself. I'm also the type that tries to avoid confrontation ... at least I was. I'm much better at confronting issues now.
So much growth. Whether it's good or bad, IDK.
I think that tendency to have a long fuse may be what made H feel like he could go the "I guess I want to have my cake and eat it too" route with me. I'm beginning to wonder if my being understanding and nice to him is a signal that he's regained control and can get me to give him what he wants.
Unfortunately for H, he hasn't been around enough to see that I'm not the person he walked out on. I've changed. I choose my path ... not him. And I see what he's trying to do when he starts the mind games and manipulation tactics.
I think he's working under the assumption that I'm afraid of losing him (and I was for the longest time). That's changed.
As for him staying here, it's college football season and that's something I enjoy immensely. That will make it easy to keep busy for the two Saturday's he'll be here. I also have a week off while he's here, so I'll only see him in the evenings. That week is also already filled with appointments for hair, nails, etc and the dreaded colonoscopy I've been putting off forever.
If any R talk comes up, I will just remember my key words ... adultery, drugs, uncontrollable anger and assault of strangers along the side of the road. That should keep me pretty focused and hopefully help me avoid falling into the manipulation trap.
I have an appointment with the business attorney in a couple of days. I'm looking forward to some education and guidance.
My best to everyone. 2T
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
If any R talk comes up, I will just remember my key words ... adultery, drugs, uncontrollable anger and assault of strangers along the side of the road.
Write this out on an index card and stick it in your pocket. Excuse yourself to the restroom and reread whenever necessary.
