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dream #2697968 08/19/16 08:40 AM
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dream - I've traveled to other parts of the world and found people who knew W - only partly kidding. There are about 400 people living in our rural village if you count some of the smarter dogs. I'm working on reconnecting with my own extended family who are in the area that W largely cut me off from years ago and that is helping. I am also forming/rebuilding connections with the people around me in the community ignoring any relationship with W - this is my home and here I will stay. To attend "meet-ups" etc where there would be no possible connection with W is at a minimum a 3 hour round trip. People who live in urban areas have no idea how isolating and confining a rural area can be in times like this. They can also be loving and supporting and I get a lot of that. My family has been in this area for almost 200 years and our roots go deep as do my personal ones from living here, raising a family and being involved in the community. Prior to my current job I was an active volunteer who also served on the boards of directors of a couple of local charitable organizations. As a side note, even after over 25 years here W is still considered a bit of an "outsider" because she has no local family.

I would normally pick apart what you've written and respond to it but the reality is "I know - I'm doing the best I can".

I thought instead I would offer the perhaps minor update that I was planning for today instead.

Just as a side note for those who are keeping track - it's now been over 30 hours since I last checked on WW's Facebook page.

On the way home SIL#1 messaged me that she had seen that W had gone out for lunch with a friend on her FB feed. I thanked her and then asked her to only tell me things if it appeared that W was going into crisis, needed help, or was making some sort of significant shift like announcing OM.

The last week or so has been bad.

I spent some time last night with the "SIL Army" who were doing their honest best to be positive and support me. Before anyone starts - it wasn't a moaning session by any means with me sobbing and them all saying "there there". Just a bit of a group chat via Messenger where we chatted about my blow-up on Wednesday and gossiped a bit. I had a separate chat with SIL#1 who had a bunch of theories and analysis about W's state of mind. Earlier in the day a good friend and I that I haven't seen for 2 weeks spent a bit of time getting him up to speed.

Universally the message I got from them was "give up", "she doesn't deserve you", "you're only hurting yourself". The SIL added on - "if getting her back is what you really really want we'll support you in that".

It all came from a kind, loving place and does reinforce the principle of keeping these things quiet. I thanked them all very kindly.

Last night I told the SIL Army that we needed to change focus from "therapy" to "getting healthy". One SIL is still recovering from the death of her husband, one is trying to lose weight and fighting her own MLC, and one is a new mother. There's been far too much focus on my own pain and W and that's not making any of us better. I also told them that I needed to work more on living my life and that I needed to work harder on moving forward assuming that I would be alone. "Giving up" and starting the legal process was meaningless I said because it would make no difference to the reality and only add on stress as well as putting barriers between W and I that weren't helpful in any fashion. The only reason to start the legal process would be because W had decided to not come back and we needed to set each other free from those legal entanglements. I'm not sure that they agree because they see D as the logical closure and frankly have gone from being somewhat sympathetic towards W to being very very angry at her.

This morning getting ready I felt the same sort of internal "pain" that I had a week ago when I went into crisis. I broke down twice on the 2 1/2 hour drive into work and had to pause until it went away. Fortunately no suicide thoughts today. I was thinking to myself - is this what "giving up" feels like? Should I really pull the trigger?

By the time I got to work I had my sh@t together somewhat. Fortunately nobody here really understands what I do (senior technical resource) so as long as I respond to emails and produce the odd thing everyone thinks I'm working optimally. I actually just got an "attaboy" from one of our senior divisional VPs. My DR called me and told me that I can eliminate yet another of the blood pressure meds I'm on which was great news and immediately announced on Facebook to great acclaim. I will confess that one of the reasons I did that was so that W would see that I continue to get healthier and have found joy but also from my rather obvious need to publish my thoughts and feelings to the world.

Later this afternoon I'm going to meet with a female (platonic) friend for dinner. I was originally worried that she might have had designs on me because she had a bit of hero worship going on when she used to work for me - still calls me the best boss she ever had.

This weekend I have the usual errands etc but will change my grocery shopping to Saturday from Sunday so that I don't have to drive by W's house on her day off when OM might be visiting. The plan as well is to finish the purge of W's things from the MBR except for one family portrait and to work on getting the kitchen into shape. After she stripped things from the house including much of the decorating there was still lots of stuff left that I intend to move around. I'm also going to spend a bunch of time reading the homework that Cadet prescribed from the MLC board.

I think I may have turned a corner here. It's been a painful turn but it will result in a healthier AndrewP along with my SIL army.

Chest out, Balls down and "swagger".


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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That's quite a trip to go outside of your village. I don't blame you for not wanting to do that, but good to know it's a possible option, if needed. smile I'm in the suburban area, so there's lots of choices of places to go to "get away."

This recent update of yours sounds much better. smile

I'm proud of you for telling SIL#1 to only tell you important things she sees on FB. Even better would be for her to tell you nothing as WW would certainly reach out to you if she wanted you to know. But this is definitely a step in the positive direction!

Changing the focus of your SIL army group is another promising, positive step. I hope you're all able to continue to shift the focus to getting healthier. It sounds like you all need support in one area or another. I wouldn't say you need to "give up" but rather, keep moving. As you said, work on living your life.

Congrats on eliminating a blood pressure medication! One less thing on your plate. smile

dream #2698023 08/19/16 11:31 AM
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Originally Posted By: dream
She obviously wasn't happy in your relationship... because if she was, she wouldn't have fallen in love with another man. It's not your fault that she cheated, but we all have things we can work on to improve ourselves. I know you've cut back on drinking. What else have you done for you? Any ideas what went wrong in the marriage?

dream - I missed this in my response and thought that it deserves some attention because this is something that I really really struggle with.

To be perfectly blunt - I still have no clue which is why I'm going to spend some time on the MLC homework. Nothing much really changed about me in the last 5 years (even beer drinking) or realistically the last 27. I was a loving, devoted husband who adored his wife just like I had been for the entire marriage. I took time and effort to compliment her, encourage her in whatever endeavour she undertook and to be a patient listener. I also gave her space and time to explore new friendships and experiences. It may seem a self-serving statement but those who know us would corroborate and would remark on how sickeningly we were in love even after all those years.

Even though there were really only about 3 times from BD1 that W ever talked to me about reasons all she ever said was:
- she couldn't put it into words (mostly before I found out about OM)
- she was uncomfortable being put on a pedestal
- she didn't want us to end up like her parents bickering at each other (we never had cross words for each other - I mean - never - yes there was a conflict avoidance tendency in both of us) This was her main reason she stated for wanting to leave the MR.
- she said that being married to me made her a better person than she would have been otherwise and sometimes she wasn't comfortable with that
- she felt that I would sometimes talk down to her
- she felt that sometimes the compliments I gave her were sometimes forced

She told me after BD1 that she was writing out her thoughts in a hand-written journal (for which I mildly snooped and never found) to explain why she felt she needed to leave. No clue if this was a lie or if she still has them / is working on them.

WRT her parents. Her father was a wayward of epic proportions and her mother suffered through it. It was an open secret in the family. They are now in their late 80s stuck in a senior's home together and spend a lot of time complaining. They always did bicker a bit but once they started getting serious health problems about 3 years ago it got worse. 2 years ago there was a serious medical crisis for both of them and W ended up going at Christmas time for several weeks to act as a personal support worker for her mother attending to her basic physical needs. She came back from that changed, angry and bitter. Then she turned 50.

The only other thing is that a couple of years ago when the kids moved out and we both felt that the other was getting depressed (W was suffering badly from peri-menopause and empty nest, I with empty nest and with some problems at work) we both spent more time and effort trying to please the other. One key phrase that I absolutely hated to hear W say after BD1 was "if that makes you happy".

Now - prior to last summer - which is when she said she'd decided to leave and she started to distance herself from me, every indication was that she valued and appreciated me and the way I treated her.

For me, I'm now more independent, slimmer and better looking, have dropped (mostly) drinking beer. I've reconnected to people I care about and connected to new people both in social media and in real life. I'm making even more efforts to stay connected to our children who have now become "very" disconnected from W. She rarely reached out to them pre-BD and even less now. I try hard to find joy in each day. I'm still the quiet, kind, loyal, loving man with a quirky sense of humour that I've always been. Perhaps a "nice guy" but not a lot of a door-mat. I did turn into a door-mat post BD1 though.

Unfortunately even though I try to hide it from the world I'm also a very sad man with a lot of pain and anger which will make dealing with her if she tries to return difficult because her pedestal has turned into a pit. I think that's what my IC wanted me back early to deal with.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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Originally Posted By: AndrewP
Just as a side note for those who are keeping track - it's now been over 30 hours since I last checked on WW's Facebook page.


Awesome AP! It sounds like the past day has been a good one for you. The conversation w/ the SIL army seems pretty healthy.

It's funny, but your discussions w/ them have made me wonder if I shouldn't contact Ws dad. She's told him, and I believe he'd be of the opinion her idea is not the best one. Merely thinking about it, and it's probably a bad idea, so leaving it alone for now.

Originally Posted By: AndrewP

For me, I'm now more independent, slimmer and better looking, have dropped (mostly) drinking beer. I've reconnected to people I care about and connected to new people both in social media and in real life. I'm making even more efforts to stay connected to our children who have now become "very" disconnected from W. She rarely reached out to them pre-BD and even less now. I try hard to find joy in each day. I'm still the quiet, kind, loyal, loving man with a quirky sense of humour that I've always been. Perhaps a "nice guy" but not a lot of a door-mat. I did turn into a door-mat post BD1 though.


All great changes AP! A strong man is someone who is there for his kids during a time like this. You've said before you weren't sure what changes you've made, but it seems like you have a firm grasp on them here!

Originally Posted By: AndrewP

Unfortunately even though I try to hide it from the world I'm also a very sad man with a lot of pain and anger.


I think this describes 80% of us here brother. We all know what you're going through and understand the pain/anger that is the residual effect of our WWs. Know that you are not alone in your feelings. I know that doesn't help to take it away, but there does seem to be solace in the knowledge that we're all in this together.

Regardless, I'm proud of you on the FB stuff! Moving in the right direction and I personally think that's one of the keys. Keep it up AP!


Me39
M11 : T13
D9
BD 5/31/16
In House S until 6/21/17
Divorced 10/5/18
lt0402 #2698056 08/19/16 01:49 PM
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Andrew try reading the 5 languages to figure out where things might have gone wrong. I thought about my relationship a lot post BD to figure it out, she never directly told me, not even sure she knew.

pinn #2698178 08/20/16 07:44 AM
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Feeling a bit rough still today. The blows in the last 2 weeks that knocked me on my @ss still haven't been recovered from. I think a bunch of us here have had a tough few days recently.

Today I cleared the last of things associated with WW from my home office. The last thing to be moved was our wedding picture from where it has sat next to my weekly fresh rose and sculpture of Don Quixote into a desk drawer. I bawled my eyes out for 10 minutes over that.

I had a nice dinner last night with my female friend which included a couple of well needed hugs. She had recommended to me the aftershave I wear now (Polo Red) and smiled and sniffed her top to be sure that it smelled like me later. I worry some times that we may be getting in the neighbourhood of an EA and made sure to dial things back so that I didn't get drawn in. We spent most of the evening talking about her life and some of the challenges she is facing. Unsurprisingly we also talked about WW more than I really wanted - she wanted to "get up to date". Just like everyone else she wants me to give up, file for D and move on. I'm so torn but can't see as doing that makes any real positive difference other than putting everything out in the open. I can't say right now if that is a good idea or a bad idea. It's probably an idea that I need to stop thinking about. To "tease the trolls" I "checked in" on Facebook to the restaurant as "dinner with a friend" and entered the receipt into our cloud based book-keeping as "dinner with [friend's name]". WW knows of [friend] and that she's been a big help to me. Before the 2X4s come out - I would have done this exact same thing pre-BD.

About a week ago I ran into one of my neighbours that lives around the corner almost exactly between where WW and I are living who gave me a cheery greeting and on a whim added her to my Facebook. We had the usual sort of online neighbourly interaction including yesterday morning when she pressed "like" on my update about getting off another med. I noticed in passing that she unfriended me later in the afternoon. WW has always "really" liked this person and I know that she goes into WW's store regularly. One important thing about this person is that she is the local constable. I had been waffling about contacting her semi-officially just to ask if she could keep half an eye on WW and on our house just to make sure that everything was safe. If WW requested the unfriending (she's done that multiple times after BD1) then perhaps that goal is achieved and the local police force is now watching out for her to protect her from her crazy manipulative husband. <insert sad laugh about her being able to continue to preserve her secrets>.

Well - I need to review the flyers and go and do my groceries today so that I don't drive by WW's house on her day off when OM may be there. I'll also do my own banking, pick up my fresh roses (chatting with the nice lady at the shop), get a 6 pack of beer and then head home. The weather is nice here so I'll be able to hang my laundry outside (been doing my own laundry plus general house laundry for 20+ years - WW couldn't be relied on to do it regularly so she did only her own). I'll leave my work clothes and ironing for tomorrow I think. For lunch I'll go to the bakery in the village and get a fresh scone and put on a smiling face for the owner who is a friend of both WW and I and then either cut the grass this afternoon or maybe go for a walk in the woods or take a book to the park.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
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Watching #thehip tonight. I know that WW has also watched at least some of it. It's a Canadian cultural connection. I reached out to S22/D24 about it earlier. Even though we are separated by geography and pain I wish we could be sharing this more closely together rather than WW being 3 blocks away (I presume - have not checked), S22 probably watching random YouTube videos and D24 preparing for her new deployment to Norfolk VA.

Hi to all my fellow Canuks the only one of whom I know is Buxom who I hope is doing better after her chemo,


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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Thanks Andrew. No chemo, done with that. Yesterday was hopefully my last biopsy. Feeling good but not good enough to do the community event showing the concert in the park.
Caught some of it on tv but had to get D from work so it cut into it.
Hang in there with your sitch. Looks like u are doing all you can to detach and carry on! Good on you! Have you read codependent no more? I'm in the middle and learning a lot about me.


Me54 WH48
S18 D16
M 22 T 24
EA-PA-EA 2011-2015
Separated 10/14 - 06/15
BD1 02/14
BD2 05/16
BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again
Working on me and liking me again


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AndrewP -first off, my WW having spent a great deal of her life in Ontario, I grew to be a fan of the Tragically Hip. Strange modus operandi in the Southern US, yet got me many a free beer from some hipster bartenders in Atlanta and Raleigh.

Anyway, those ass knocking blows...those ass knocking blows, that confusion. I am with you sir. Everyone wants you to quit, presumably b/c they would. I am struggling, but I will give a bit more time. Those women you are side talking to anyway, they like you being hard to get anyway.

With you all the way sir.


"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies.
BD: Feb '16
D: Mar '17
Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing.
S6


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I just got back from my walk (4.75km). I took some nice pictures of wildflowers that turned out fairly well. I posted a quick update on the SIL army chat group about some of my adventures in housekeeping, my walk and nagged them about their own GAL activities. I thought I'd swing by here and post an update - nothing much "I believe" happened but you never know. I still managed yet another Russian Novelish epic though.

I changed the title of this post to It takes a village to raise an idiot because one of the more unique things with my sitch is the fact that I live in a small village where the interconnections between people are complex and tight and it is pretty much impossible to keep a secret. How WW has managed as well as she has continues to be a mystery to me. Before she moved out she was leading an at least double life - happily married W and secret A plus her demanding job that is central to her life and identity. Now since she hasn't announced that we're S and she's hiding from at least me she has a third layer on top of that.

I'm going to seem a bit Machiavellian here and that's not completely wrong. I need to be able to survive this both as an independent, self-sufficient man and as a member of my community. Even though I still need to protect WW's secret from being revealed by me, I have no problems right now on making it harder for her to carry on eating cake. I also have a very wide mean streak which rarely gets a chance to be exercised combined with a joy in upsetting the apple cart.

Yesterday had a couple of interesting bits. At the grocery store I saw a good friend of WW's but pretended to not recognize him (we've only been introduced once) I always had him down as a strong contender for OM2 if WW goes in that direction. When he saw me he immediately pulled out his phone and started texting like mad. The poor man ended up being in the queue for cash in front of me and packed his stuff up quickly and left. Not sure what's up there - might be nothing but it gave me some entertainment.

Yesterday as well I went to the bake shop around the corner to get a fresh scone for my late lunch. The lady who runs it who is a sweetheart, has been very kind, sympathetic and has not pried at all on what has gone on. I decided yesterday to open up to her a bit and asked if she knew that WW had left and asked what the village grapevine was saying. She looked relieved that she could talk and said that all she had heard was that WW had left. I added a few more details for her that a lot of stuff had been stripped from the house (I offered her the K-Cups that were left that I can no longer use), told her that I hadn't heard from WW since she left and that she didn't tell me or the kids where she was living. I added that I was very worried about WW and that she had been doing some things that I felt weren't safe for some time but didn't go into any details saying that it was her story to tell. I also said that I was very confused about her leaving and that she was welcome to come back at any time. The lady seemed to feel that WW was indeed acting crazy and suggested that I get a separate bank account. I responded that I didn't care about the money, that I wasn't going to cut her off and abandon her and that she was welcome to come home at any time. The village grapevine has now gotten a big dose of fertilizer and more eyes will be on WW and her movements. Even though these things can't be controlled once released, my own reputation as the abandoned LBH will hopefully be boosted.

Boy - I'm out of practice with beer. I ended up having "far" too much last night while watching the concert online, browsing the forum here and Facebook. I noticed WW online pressing "like" on the things posted by a common friend - the guy who introduced us in fact who very much is not in on any of the drama. I decided "screw it" and also liked the same things. I usually avoid that so that WW doesn't think I'm stalking her. I woke up around 6:00am not quite remembering how I got into bed and not wearing my CPAP mask. The hang-over wasn't too bad and I put my mask on and got another few hours sleep. When I woke up I had a horrible thought that I might have drunk-texted WW - a quick check reassured me that no I hadn't.

On my way back this afternoon from the bake shop with a fresh brownie (no conversation about WW) I ran into one of WW's best friends who I had thought had been cut off by her. I'm not clear on where she stands but had originally hoped that she would have been a voice of calm reason for WW in the early days. She undoubtedly knows more details about the sitch than anyone. I was very surprised when she stopped and asked me how I was doing rather than avoiding me. So - I told her. I didn't go into details or specifics but again repeated my line that I am struggling to get by, very confused and that WW is welcome to come home. [Friend] mentioned that she had seen WW 2 days ago and that she is struggling too. She was very surprised when I said that I hadn't talked to WW since she left (the contact I have had doesn't really count as "talking"). She was very apologetic for how everything had turned out and expressed regret. I didn't bother to hide much the fact that I was angry and that some of the anger was pointed her way. I wasn't rude or anything just tense and not friendly. Not sure how this will be translated when it gets back to WW but I'm sure it will. Oddly as I was crossing the street to my house she insisted on waving me across from her car (nobody except me walks here) Well - at least she would have gotten a good look at my new body which is now down 45lbs and I'm told that I look quite good.

So - if you've managed to read down this far in the novel - thank you for your time. I'm going to visit a few other threads and then re-heat up some chicken stew for dinner.

PS - We (I) get pretty wrapped up with DBing and doing things the "right" way while not being sure what that "right way" is all the time. I tend to make it up as I go along some days but am trying to be focused on the NC, GAL and doing a bit of advertising of the GAL. On the other hand I presume that is no WW forum offering them guidance, peer support based on experience. My own WW seems to have kept contact with all her pre-departure friends so that "noise" must not be a bother to her. She must be running blind though in uncharted territory (mind reading!). I just wish she'd make up her d@mned mind. Unless she actually intends to come back there is no rational reason why she hasn't asked for a S - she knows that I'd give it to her. Instead she keeps a shabby charade going and a piece of string tied around my b@lls.

I know that classic DB philosophy is to look strong, confident and happy. Here in my village that would probably backfire on me because it would look like I was happy to boot WW out. I "am" the victim here. I do make it obvious that I am moving on on my own though. I have no clue what WW sees / hears but strongly suspect that she is not at all detached from me - her forum must not preach that. Right now I have no interest at all in helping bake WW's cake and if people start looking at her with a less positive light, that's not my problem any more.

PPS - I just noticed today that there will be some road work going on for a while in front of WW's house. ALL the construction guys know her and probably know her car. Poor OM won't be able to visit his love nest too much. WW also can't be away from her house for too long because her dog is there and he doesn't travel well and a barky, smelly dog (who often has sh@t all over his @ss - long haired dog who gets the runs) isn't that romantic of a companion.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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