Learning, growing and believing....

[HaWho]

Mleigh - I laughed out loud at your last post. Too funny. Yeah, in the MLC world you guys are sort of the Waltons and we're the Addams Family.

Holding on to this mess is hard work. It's just not possible. I think we keep going and see where our journey takes us.

Glad your son had a great first day!

[2Times2Many]

Hi M. I've been following along and totally understand the "convenience" thing. You've echoed so much of what I feel. You and I have been at this for a long time, so I get it.

You sound good, grounded and at peace. It's nice when there is no need to "take action" and you can get yourself in a good place to face whatever comes.

I'm so glad S is happy with his teacher. That's a big part of the battle when it comes to school.

Tons of {{{hugs}}}
2T

[mleigh4]

Hi guys, thank you for the support and hugs. They are so appreciated.

I am enjoying a much needed down day. S is with H, friends are busy, so I am doing a pamper day for me. Nap, food, wine and movies!

Someone said, I think Job, to grieve this next phase. That is certainly the case. I feel like I am grieving all over again! How many times does this happen already?? It's a bit different for me this time though. Lots of crying, but I don't feel depressed or lost.... I feel eager for this to pass and eager to see what life has in store for me. I feel a relief and a freedom to embrace the new and improved person I have become. I have accepted that my marriage is nothing more than a piece of paper and convenience. And I am ok with that, I no longer feel like I am fighting that. It's a totally new state of acceptance.

So interesting, this journey we get thrown on. I say that with a smile

The biggest thing that stands out in this, is the path I have traveled, the things I have learned, the diversity and differences in people I have learned to love and respect, the appreciation of what is really important in life. It's like an awakening, it has changed me so much. In regards to H, I have always been a bit "deeper" than him. He would have no idea what I meant by any of that! Lol

I am in a good place. I feel grounded and stable. I thought I had reached this point, so many times I am sure! I guess each phase brings you to a new place.

I have friends who have lost loved ones in unexpected deaths, who have endured negligent parenting, things that life throws at you and you have no control of. They came out of it stronger than ever, continued to live life to the fullest, raised stable and loving children, and they are my greatest hero's. I am beginning to believe that it's us, who survive these things, who are truly happy and appreciative of this life. How strange is that? I look in the mirror and see another hero. That is a far cry from who I used to see.

So, feeling good here. I got my sweet kitty by my side tonight. S taught dog a new trick, to push a button on a stuffed monkey and make it scream. He is so proud! S is loving being back in school again with his buddies. I see another great year ahead for him!

I have some home projects on my mind for fall. I will be putting those into motion. I finished my indoor rock Zen garden complete with lights and healing stones. I just love it! I got myself an essential oil diffuser for home, and after telling work about it, they wanted one there too! We want to add a water feature at work too, make it more relaxing in a hectic atmosphere.

I went to dinner with a friend Thursday night and made friends with several people, along with running into a few I knew. I love living in a small town!

Life is good, no complaints here. Another new chapter...I guess the book really never ends, does it? A co-worker, who lost her H to illness, told me that.

Sending big hugs to you all. Remember, when you are feeling down, how amazing you are!

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh - your post really resonated with me! Your comments about seeing what is important in life and accepting the diversity we see, really struck a chord. In some ways, I am so much much more certain of things in life. And yet, this whole experience has taught me that there is nothing that would surprise me anymore. I have seen and experienced the craziest things.


Your Zen garden sounds amazing!

And I agree, you should definitely see a hero when you look in the mirror. Here's to moving forward . . .

[2Times2Many]

"I look in the mirror and see another hero."

That made me smile, M.

I think it's okay to grieve and cry. I don't think we'd be normal if we didn't. The MLC crazy train is a wild ride with lots of highs and lots of lows. The lows always bring with it the need to grieve and feel the "losses." But for me, those lows seem to bring growth and clarity. Clarity about the kind of person I am and the kind of person I want to be, and growth toward becoming that person. It sounds like you know exactly what I mean.

I like the idea of the water feature. There's something about the sound of water that is so soothing. I know bttrfly would agree.

Stay strong.

Tons of {{{HUGS}}}
2T

[mleigh4]

Thanks HW, this ordeal has made me appreciate life more than ever. In fact, I caught myself telling S last night, life is a gift we are given, we need to appreciate it and live it to the fullest.

2T, you hit it on the head. After each low I go through, I come out feeling stronger and seeing things clearer. It's a good thing.

Not too much to update here. I had a very busy week. Friend over on Tuesday night. She joined S and I for dinner, S got a little....jealous? He doesn't really like sharing my attention. After she left, I explained to him that she was home alone, doesn't like to be alone, and wanted to be with us, and how it's important to be a good friend. I hope that helps him.

Wed night was open house at S school. I reminded H, as last time he was a no show, he said he would be there. This is when the teacher goes over the curriculum and what she expects from us in regards to homework and projects. H was writing notes like crazy, it was cute. He was very attentive and serious, it should help me with staying on top of S work. He also made sure the teacher had his email, so he stays in the loop. Meanwhile, S had a blast playing with his buddies outside. He was dripping sweat when we were done, which was wonderful to see since he is a computer kid. When leaving, I felt a bit of a cold shoulder from H. He gave S a big hug, turned and left with no bye to me. It actually reminded me of myself back at the start of all this. I just shrugged it off.

We learned about a fundraiser, the kids get pledges and run laps. S is super excited as he loves running. He already has his goal set and I reached out to the grandparents to help him reach it.

The next day, as I was leaving work, I get TM from H. "Dinner tomorrow or Saturday?" I was totally confused. Did he mean all of us? Did he mean just us? Did he want to have "the D talk?" He had been so cold the night before.....then I thought, that wasn't meant for me. I figured he must have mistakenly sent it to me. I really did! It made no sense for the place we are at this point, so being confused, I didn't answer. My actions no longer revolve around being to fix my marriage, I have let that go.

That night, I had a group meeting with city council and neighbors. we are still working on slowing down traffic on our street. I spoke up with some combined solutions, as everyone was arguing their case, and we agreed combined tactics would work best. I was so proud of myself for speaking up in front of everyone! I also met a new neighbor down the street and we exchanged numbers to set a date for wine and food. She has a beautiful home, really decorated cute in front, and she had approached me saying she knows my SIL, and SIL has been wanting us to meet. It was a good night.

Friday back to work, busy end of month. I decided to make this a cooking weekend to try out some new things with S, and ran by the store for ingredients. Carnitas, pizza and homemade meatballs on the menu for the weekend! FIL called, he is very confused about the fundraiser, doesn't want S to push himself too hard and hurt himself, then started in asking what he is doing to train, and is he training or just playing on the computer!? The negativity coming through my phone was overbearing, seriously guys, his poor kids. But I laughed it off, told him it's not a triathlon, just a fundraiser to gain pledges for each lap and S was ready to do his best which is all we ask. I told him the funds raised go directly to his class and everyone is really excited about it. He backed off, said ok, and ended up pledging a boatload per lap. S is at his goal!

Saturday we just stayed home. Did some housework, watched movies, made my carnitas which were ok. That night, S and I were watching Free Willy, I cried and he laughed at me like usual, and H TM. It said, "ok? A simple no would have worked too..." well, I guess it WAS meant for me. Oops. I responded the truth. "Sorry, I didn't think it was meant for me". He replied "um, ok?"

I declared Sunday a get out of the house day with S. I really do want to find a balance for him between technology and nature. So I replied back, let H know, and said I can let him know what we plan? He replied with a big happy face. We will see what transpires today.

So, they just love to throw those curve balls, yes? Not sure what the dinner invite was about, But I am still on track. He may have felt bad about the cold shoulder and wanted some family time, which is fine since we all enjoy it.

Hope you are all enjoying your weekend and have a good week!

[Pax_luv]

Hi mleigh,
I love hearing how you interact with and teach your son. He has one special mom!

You sound good. That is weird about the dinner invite. He's saying a simple no, would have worked.... If you were ornery, you could have said.... A simple goodbye would have worked... Or, a simple acknowledgement of your behavior would have worked. But that's not how we roll over here!

Glad your son met his fundraising goal and I hope you were able to enjoy your sunday.

[mleigh4]

Hi Feyth, thank you for stopping by. Yes, I wanted to remind H of when he ignored my dinner invite not too long ago, but no, it's not how I roll either.

Life is good for me, feeling a bit tired lately, but I think between being back to school, work being busy and lots of H thinking going on, it has worn on me a bit. I am making sure to fit down time in, to recharge.

So last Sunday, I had told S it is get out of the house day. We decided to take dog to the park and to try out his new ball and bat I had gotten him at the beginning of summer. As promised, I sent H a TM to let him know our plans, at what time, and that he was welcome and knows where we will be! S and I got there and made conversation with a man who also came to enjoy the weather with his dog. I practiced some baseball with S and he liked it! I was shocked to see H pull up at the park. He came over while I was talking to man, chest was a little puffed out! Not going to lie! Lol but we all started talking, man referred to me as H wife (cringe) and H got more comfortable. Man left and H started showing S the proper way to use the baseball bat. Soon, the 3 of us were playing a one base game and S did great, it was really fun and so nice to see S enjoying something away from the electronics. Pat on my back!

It was a busy end of month at work. Friday was S fundraiser run. My co-workers wanted to come cheer S with me and we were able to have our sales rep watch the office while we all went to watch S go for his 36 laps. S was stunned and I was so grateful for my co-workers and their support. H was also able to make it, so S had quite the cheer team! He did all the laps and raised $570!!

Near the end of the run, I had to get back to work so I let S know I would be back after school to get him and said goodbye to H. I let H know I was running home to pack S snacks and would have him at work with me later. I ran home, and while packing snacks, H knocked on the door. He said they were running low on water so was grabbing some to take back for S. What!!?? Really weird but ok, I gave him some water bottles and off he went.

Saturday night, I went with friends to see an Elvis impersonator. What a blast! Sunday visited another friend to give her a belated birthday gift I had for her.

In the last week, I found out a friend of mine has rheumatoid arthritis and is seeking treatments. Also an acquaintance and good friend of my good friend died in a car accident. It's another reminder of how precious life is and how much of it is out of our control.

As far as H, we continue to TM, almost daily. Our interaction remains friendly, but I no longer feel it has any meaning to it. Just friends joking and keeping in touch. H is the initiator and I continue to be confused as to why he does it. Such mixed messages, but I am done trying to figure it out, that would be a waste of energy.

After 3 years of banging my head against a wall and standing for my marriage, I realize I have been standing and staying commited to something that doesn't exist. I don't regret doing that though, not one tiny bit. But I feel very clear and very sure that it's time to let that go. The second guessing it is gone, it's very freeing.

Yesterday when I picked up S, H mentioned having dinner tonight if I didn't have plans, I did my automatic response of "sure". But driving home, I thought about it and realized, I really don't want to. I mean, why bother? I'm over it, a strange change in me. S hates eating out, so it wouldn't be for him. So today, he asked to switch his night with S from tonight to tomorrow, but was still open for dinner. I just replied that switching was fine. I didn't mention dinner.

So Job, is this a normal transition you have seen in the LBS? I feel no desire to put any effort into H other than things related to S. It's not out of anger, I just don't feel like it. I figure it's a normal step after 3 years of rejection! Lol. I guess the next time he mentions getting together for something like dinner, and I don't feel like it, I can just say thanks but I am not feeling up for that? Or just make an excuse? It's a very new place for me.

All in all, I think about my sitch often, a lot of processing going on, especially about the changes in me. I keep expecting to feel that ping of fear, or that worry of letting go too soon, but it hasn't come like so many times before.

S and I are doing great and so happy we ended up being able to have the whole day and night together.

Sending you all good wishes!
M

[job]

Wow! What a busy, but nice weekend! Congratulations to your son on his run and the amount of money he made. That's wonderful and he should be proud of what he accomplished.

How was the Elvis impersonator? Did you like him? I'm sorry to read about your friend's health issue. Hopefully the treatments will work. Gosh, so many people are having car accidents and passing away from them Again, I'm sorry to hear this news.

Yes, mleigh, this is a very typical transition. What I'm seeing w/you is that you are finally dropping the rope and accepting him for who he is right now. When you do this long enough, you'll see that he will begin to gravitate towards you, i.e., like a moth to a candle. He senses things are different w/you these days and that's a good thing.

Mleigh, you are right where you need to be at this time. Keep the focus on you, your son and your fur babies.

[Irish M]

Hi Mleigh
I live Elvis . I did a video of me and my girls singing trouble.
We are thinking of going to Memphis next summer :-)

So happy for you and your son. You seem so at peace with it all. I love that.

Keep it up. Life rewards the positive.

Hugs
Irish