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SH_ Offline
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Okay Ghost.

Let's make the next one about you.
What have you done for your homework?
What are you learning?
How will you implement an action from what you have learned?


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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ATPeace Offline OP
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Hi SH ok time,for,the,homework,

PART 1 (Be sure the you have read and pondered part 1)
FEAR-How will you overcome it and be the man only a fool will leave?

“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me danger is very real but fear is a choice.” Will Smith

Ghost,

I am going to share some resources and information that has helped me tremendously as I am traveling my own journey.
I am going to challenge you to take actions that you have thus far avoided doing.
The actions will be focused on you so you can step up, man up, and become the person only a fool will leave.
Will you commit?
Will you permit me to be an accountability partner for getting on?
If you agree here is your homework to get started.

_________________________________________________________________________________________
The first thing I want you to do is google the Black Door Story.
Read several of the links. There are minor details that change, but the message is the same.
Share with me how you see yourself playing a role in the story.
Share with me how you see fear and what is through the door.

Ok I have watched the first few ted talks and here are my thoughts
Guy Winch Emotional First Aid ....was very interesting and,I can see just how little time is given to emotional health...I can see that I have been in a very low place perhaps a dark place and that there is nothing wrong with asking for help with my emotions - then I understand that emotions just like fear come from my mind and they are not real....I mean the emotions are real ...in my mind and you can feel your emotions but they come from your thoughts

I think I am the kind of person who would need to watch these several times and I have found a way that I can download them to my iPad make a folder and this will make it easy to find ..I can also listen to them off line

I have for the past year beeten myself up I am the one being hard on myself I am the one telling myself that I have been a bad man that I deserve to be in pain I am the one who keeps bringing myself back to the point of feeling very low almost in a way that I feel I have to in order to become accountable for my behaviour during our marriage I cannot control her and make her change her mind so I choose to pick on the one person who I can control ....Me.

I look at the failure of our marriage and I have been taking all the blame and it is time for this to stop yes I will stand and be accountable for my share but I will not take all the blame.

The Black Door - I am so wrapped up in my fear that I am terrified to let go of the past a past that was not even the best path so if I was the prisoner would I have taken the fireing squad ...without hesitation yes I would. Now here is a thought I am afraid to go through the door because a part of me knows that there is a real risk that I would actually find something better and I am keep telling myself I am not alowd to be happy and that I should be feeling low .....if I am not feeling low if I start to feel remotely happy then i start telling myself that I should not be happy and that I need to get myself back to the point of feeling upset so I choose to bring myself down to the point of feeling so low ...but this is my choice

All I can see is the negatives of what happens when in reality so many wonderful things await .....

My children are getting older well my eldest two are and soon very soon they really will be completely independent .

My son is 15 nearly 16 and my W is telling him what to do like he is a baby for the past week she has been nagging him to sort out his bedroom stopping him from going on a mini holiday now saying he cannot have friends over saying he cannot go out with his friends my W tells me that I was controlling she is being very controlling and no one likes to be controlled

So getting back to my emotional health I am exhausted both mentally and physically not sleeping well waking early little support not much love and affection except from my children.

Right now I am going to go back to sleep I deserve to treat myself to some extra rest before a busy day looking after my children as my W is working

I will post again later

Feeling better feeling stronger

Thank you
Ghost


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,453
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ATPeace Offline OP
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So watched the black doors and also
Watched [censored] the fear and again

I have never pushed myself and my life has been about half measures

I am going to step up my diet and weight loss I want to start to feel good about myself body image has always been poor

More homework tomorrow

Had a tough day small brake down over the mess in the house and then my w had the decency to tell me that I am still not doing enough

I am doing enough I could never sustain the amount that she wants me to do so even if I change myself I just could not sustain the amount that she expects of me

Totally unrealistic expectations

Took my middle son out bowling had a lovley time

How do I shift from feeling just so lonley I miss her when she is at work and then when she is arround I cannot be close to her so I feel alone

Thank you for your help


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Joined: Apr 2016
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Originally Posted By: ATPeace
How do I shift from feeling just so lonley I miss her when she is at work and then when she is arround I cannot be close to her so I feel alone

Thank you for your help

AtPeace - it's called detaching and it will be the hardest thing you will ever do. You need to find your own peace and centre that doesn't include her. Even after all these months I still struggle with that myself but I'm assured that with patience, time, and finding other priorities in your life it can be done.

Stay strong.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Ok I want to keep this thread positive I am doing the homework I am working on my weight loss i have a long way to go.

I love my children spending time with them making them smile and be happy

I love my sister she has been so supportive she is fantastic

I love my mum she is getting older and I need to focus my time on helping her

I love my job helping others and I have a lot of good going for me

I am financially secure

I have nice cars but cars mean nothing

The one thing I do not have is my wife and I still do not quite understand how one person can hold so much power and control over me I am giving her this power and control.

So where I am at I feel like crap I want to be able to fix this

I want to be happy when I am in my own company.

I read posts here and i look at webpages and a lot of my time is taken up worrying today would have been our 17 year wedding anniversary

I want to volunteer at a local charity shop but when can I fit this into my schedule

I have to work three or four days a week and the other days I have to have my children when do I find the time to be in the shop

I want to work out have to find the time for this as well I want to do mornings and nights twice a day

I will become the best person I can be and I will do this for me and for my children

Ghost


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,453
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ATPeace Offline OP
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Been working on the homework not been feeling quite so emotional

I still wish I could change things but I think I am starting to understand that this is not about me

Now to detach


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Joined: Aug 2014
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RAI Offline
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How did you go from this:
Quote:
Ok I want to keep this thread positive I am doing the homework I am working on my weight loss i have a long way to go.

I love my children spending time with them making them smile and be happy

I love my sister she has been so supportive she is fantastic

I love my mum she is getting older and I need to focus my time on helping her

I love my job helping others and I have a lot of good going for me

I am financially secure
To this?
Quote:
I have nice cars but cars mean nothing

The one thing I do not have is my wife and I still do not quite understand how one person can hold so much power and control over me I am giving her this power and control.

So where I am at I feel like crap I want to be able to fix this
It took you one line to completely sabotage your own effort to be positive. There is nothing wrong with appreciating what you have. It is not a crime to have nice cars. Are you ashamed because you sound materialistic? I love my car. LOVE it. That is ok. Be proud of your car - we won't think less of you. Even anonymously, you are afraid we won't like you. Are you not entitled to own a car and be proud of it? Are you afraid that no one will like you if you sound materialistic? Where is your self-esteem currently? I think it is very very low. You need to love yourself and realize that you have intrinsic self-worth - no matter how you feel or how your W is making you feel. I am assuming that you you have low self-esteem: it is blinding you from making good decisions and you have a doormat mentality. It is also feeding your true addiction: self-pity. That is your comfort zone. You need to get out of that zone. The only one holding you back is you. I hope you will be able to one day look back at this time and realize that it was the time of your greatest growth.

You are not a "husband", your are not a "father", you are not a "profession", you are not your "successes", you are not your "mistakes", you are not your "failures". Those are all just labels, titles and roles. You can choose to identify with them or not. RATHER, YOU ARE A SOUL. YOU HAVE INTRINSIC SELF-WORTH. YOU ARE LOVED. YOU DESERVE AS MUCH AS ANY ONE ELSE IN THE WORLD. START LOVING YOURSELF.

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
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ATPeace Offline OP
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Thank you for posting RAI I do have to keep myself More positive I am very negative

So I have today spent a really lovely day out in London with two of' my children and my W said we get along so much better when we are out the house

I suppose one of my biggest fears is us getting along well but her not willing to work at a new marriage and then she meets and falls in love with someone else

Now I realise this may happen I just wish she would see how well we got along today and then want to work on it how can I do this when I cannot have conversations

Thank you
Ghost


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
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SH_ Offline
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Originally Posted By: ATPeace
Thank you for posting RAI I do have to keep myself More positive I am very negative

So I have today spent a really lovely day out in London with two of' my children and my W said we get along so much better when we are out the house

I suppose one of my biggest fears is us getting along well but her not willing to work at a new marriage and then she meets and falls in love with someone else

Now I realise this may happen I just wish she would see how well we got along today and then want to work on it how can I do this when I cannot have conversations

Thank you
Ghost







G,

There you go again using that "F" word.
What have we discussed about that?

You have done 2 things in this post that you have been told not to, over and over again.
You believe what she says.
And you have predicted a future based on her actions.
What has this ever benefited you other that to throw a pity party for yourself?

G, have you see an IC about your low self esteem?
Have you inquired from a professional about a depressive disorder?
Please share with me on this.
I really think some professional guidance is in order.

I want to apologize for not being here as I took a short break and am working out some of my issues, but I am still checking in on you.

I see you have gotten into some of the homework.
This post leads me to perceive you may be struggling to apply it.
What are your updates with reviewing the homework?
What are your updates with applying the homework?
Updates for taking some action?

PS,
She won't realize there is anything to work on if you don't get the work on you done first.
This I will continue to smack into your head with the sledgehammer until it sticks. (You have become immune to the 2x4's, so something a bit stronger is needed to get you moving along)

I would also like to hear one thing that you have sought out on your own to study, review and apply to your own life.
You gotta be invested in this to make it work.

I'm checking on you G, we are gonna push you on through.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,453
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ATPeace Offline OP
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Hi SH

So I am still stuck in this flipping FEAR word so I am stuck in my thoughts I guess the fear and the what if only I had done this or if only I had done that so living in the past nothing will ever change what I have done.

So how do I get over the regrets of the past .......I guess I have to accept my mistakes and allow myself to forgive myself.

Fear is not real it is a thought I have to get myself to the point where I am ok with whatever happens

My life is revolving around work and looking after my children and doing housework right now I am not interested in meet ups groups and going out with different people to make new friends .....yet this so probably the one thing I should be doing to take my mind off my

I have started watching other ted talks as well

One step at a time


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
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