We have been married 7 years with a 4 year old child. We work opposite shifts and it’s taken a toll on us. We’ve had our up and downs. I’m guilty of neglecting my wife and giving her mixed signals about our marriage. I probably needed to man up and wear the pants in the relationship. 6 months ago we had a big verbal argument. It was a turning point, we both withdrew a little.
I recently confronted my wife; I suspected she was having an emotional or physical affair with a co-worker. I found flirty texts and a hotel charge that can’t be explained. I also discovered she called into night shift work and went to a movie with someone. She stayed the night out and said she slept in her car alone. She swears there is no affair going on. I didn’t press her further, sometime you want to believe the lie.
In the next breath she wanted to talk about a difference topic. D-Day, she’s not happy and wants a divorce. She said she loves me but is no longer in love with me. She likes the family time together but no longer wants to be married. She did take the opportunity to remind me off all my past wrongs. At this point I feel bad almost forgetting about the alleged affair. Not thinking clearly I almost agree to the divorce.
My wife has a vision of our divorce which I will explain. She wants a very slow and civil divorce. She doesn’t want anyone to know. She keeps the house and I move out to a new house or apartment. Since we work opposite shifts (her nights, me days). I will come home to the family house on the nights she works and we will have diner as a family. She will go to work and I will stay over and watch our child. We will have one day a week (Sunday?) for family activities. We will continue to go on family vacations and spend holidays together. She encourages me to start dating and she would welcome future GF’s into the family. Maybe her hearts in the right place but this sounds nuts.
The first week was hell. But I got my two feet on the ground and have communicated to her I don’t want a divorce and will do anything it takes to make the marriage work. This talk frustrates her, maybe she is hoping I back down. I’ve started to see a marriage counselor to keep me on track. I wish my wife would go but some people are so against theraphy.
Although I want to make this work I also consulted with an attorney to know my rights. My state has 50/50 property split and leaning towards 50/50 time sharing parenting. She has done no research into divorce. Although she has a good job the divorce cost will drain our savings. She would have to refinance house if she wants to keep it. 90% of the time one person can't carry the mortgage and they are forced to sell the house, tearing apart the family home.
The first thing the therapist asked me to do was tell my wife what I want (no divorce), be consistent and don’t back down. The second thing was to ask her to switch to day shift. I’ve done both. The therapists told me don’t bring up the affair.
I finished reading the 5 languages of love and now know my wife’s two languages; receiving gifts and acts of service. I bought the Divorce Busting Book and will start that next.
I reached out to family and friends for consul. I’ve continued my regular work schedule. I started exercising. I’m going out more and living life. I’m trying new things. Overall I’m holding up good. I’m sleeping well at night. An occasional headache from researching divorce and relationships online. Maybe over-thinking in that regards. Am I in denial?
My wife has withdrawn. She looks depressed. She is having problems sleeping. She has shut out most of her friends. She is having problems at work. Could she have ended the affair and be going thru withdrawal? Or just guilty for dumping me? Depression?
I plan to stay the course for at least the year. Reaching out to my wife. Trying to make her happy. It sounds like time is on my side but she can be real stubborn and not one to back down. Am I wasting my time? I still love my wife and I don’t want a divorce to tear the family apart.
I just can’t figure out why she won’t admit to the affair? And if she wants a divorce why not just file? It sounds like she wants me to file.
One last piece of information, my wife grew up in an Asian country were divorce is looked down upon and “saving face” is very important. I still don't understand this "saving face" thing..
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sorry to hear about your situation. There are a lot of good people here to support you. Do the homework and read the links Cadet posted.
This is your place to vent and bounce ideas off of people for some good advice.
You have a long road ahead of you. Sounds like you have a good IC to support you and the M. Keep posting.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
It sounds like you have been really productive from the get go, and you've started reading up in the importance of caring for yourself. It takes a lot of kicking and screaming before some of us get to that realisation.
My wh has come out with that kind of fantasy of still having family time etc and have it civil. In my opinion, that's them l cake eating, trying to keep the best part of their family but still have the freedom of an affair partner. I told my wh that I would be civil and friendly for the sake of the children. But that is an impossible idea. I'm not interested in being some kind of buddy where they get the best of us but not the rest of us, I want to be the whole package- his wife. I don't think I could sit happily while seeing him with another woman. It seems like guilt on their part too.
Depression also seems a common occurrence of a wayward too. My h started off super happy and I was withdrawn and depressed. Now it feels the tables have turned and he appears depressed and all over the board, while I'm seemingly happy (it's a bit of fake it til you make it though at the moment).
You're doing great so far. Keep in focusing on you and your kids. Take the focus of her and leave her be. And keep posting, there's some great people here who give fantastic advise and are here to pick us up when we feel we can't go on.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Thanks for the warm welcomes. It feels good not to be alone in this problem.
I started reading the book. In regards to the 34 rules, my wife has accused me of neglect amongst other things. Some of the rules are no I love you, no gifts and don't pursue. Am I to assume all beats are off when the wife brings up the Divorce topic and just follow the rules.
You really have the right instincts already and are doing a great job! Like you, I don't get the saving face thing, at least completely. I think more out loud truth helps everyone. But since not everyone feels that way, it doesn't work for everyone. But if this is critical to HER, it may explain why she can't admit an affair, assuming that if it looks like an affair, it is an affair. At least you're pretty smart about that. But she may never be able to admit it, keep that in mind--if she faces that, she might not be able to face you again.
If you haven't bought Divorce Busting yet, buy Divorce Remedy instead, it's the upgraded version. Keeping Love Alive audios and the new video version of the Last Resort Technique are wonderful as well. If you only want one, go with Divorce Remedy.
If she brings up divorce, be calm and matter of fact and move on. Not snippy, no argumentative. Just don't discuss it. It will only go poorly. It's ok to let her sulk or cry etc. If she wants to talk about other things, really listen. Watch her body language, tone, etc. Really pay attention. But if she goes off on you and you can't bring her gently to calm conversation, gently end the discussion.
And take good care of yourself.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
But if this is critical to HER, it may explain why she can't admit an affair, assuming that if it looks like an affair, it is an affair. At least you're pretty smart about that. But she may never be able to admit it, keep that in mind--if she faces that, she might not be able to face you again.
OK, I better play it safe and not bring up the A. The little voice in my head was telling me to force that discussion. For now, no talk of A.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Rule #10 No spying...I was tempted to buy a GPS tracker for the car. Thoughts? I guess I need to let the affair run its intended course, whatever that may be...
Some new information has come to light. Wife still not admitting anything but looks like I'm dealing with a wayward spouse.
I'm reading the book and following the rules. I guess this would be the ride out the storm approach.
I initially asked her to switch jobs (workplace affair). I should probably not bring this up or pressure her. Don't want the reverse effect. I think word is getting out at work (not me) and she will be under extreme stress. I think she will resign to avoid the shame. Less face time with the affair partner. Divide and conquer...
The cause of the affair? well she cheated but I was neglecting her. I worked fulltime job durn the day. Watched our child at night. Cleaned the house did laundry. Did the books and paid all the bills. Home repairs and yardwork. I did all the things good husbands do..But I forgot to put my wife at the top of the list. I have friends who have life's are in complete mess. But they take care of there wifes first. I've learned from this experience. I just hope its not to late.
