I'd like to share my story so as to get some help. My wife and I were married in 93, then 3 years into our marriage I discovered that my wife was having an affair, immediately she stopped the affair, I was 26 and really couldn't properly process or deal with what had happened-I was in shock and my wife was extremely remorseful. Because I kept it secret from family and friends I really had to stumble my way through the healing process on my own.
Soon come the kids with all the busyness that goes with raising two boys, life just seemed to speed up- meanwhile I'm still trying to "get over" the affair. The way I dealt with it was to say some horrible things to my wife at times and other times just go quiet on her, as the years passed the pain slowly disappeared and I hardly thought about the affair anymore....I was happy.
Sadly, no sooner did I get to this point when my wife one day came into our bedroom sat on the bed as I lay there and says "I don't know how I feel about you anymore" , it was like a knife in the heart, I pleaded with my wife to give us a chance and she agreed. I lifed my game as a husband. This was in 2007 and I thought things were going well up until June 2014 when she said that she tried to feel the way a wife should feel towards a husband but just didn't work. Says she wants a divorce, sits boys down and tells them marriage is over.
This is when things really get ugly :-(, I fall into a depression, operating robotically, my oldest son midway through final year of high school becomes angry with his mum and assaults her on a few occasions,I try desperately to keep him cool but he just couldn't deal with what was happening. My wife's psychologist calls the police and my son gets charged. I should have moved him out to my mums in order to keep my wife safe but at the time everything was happening so quickly and on each occasion I was at work.
By this stage my wife rents an apartment, moves out and is extremely angry with me for not protecting her.
Now on top of everything ,we had an upcoming court hearing! At the court hearing my son received a warning with no criminal conviction. Unfortunately what my son had done together with my inability to protect my wife seemed to put the final nail in the marriage coffin.
It was over a year since my wife moved out , my oldest son not talking to his mum and I had given up all hope of a reconciliation when my wife showed signs that she may be interested in trying again, I had a stupid expectation that she needed to "fight hard for our marriage" , wanting to do regular dinners and things to move quickly,I didn't understand her enough to be patient and let things go slow. She got spooked and backed off.
I then stumble upon this site and have been reading different threads, so sad that I didn't find you wonderful people mid 2014. I have learned so much... The fact that I CAN GAL, the FREEDOM of detachment and the accomplishment of doing 180's. Michelle's Divorce Remedy book has helped so much.
Apart from these things which are great for me with or without my wife I still don't know how to approach her, should I go with no contact? I just don't know how to proceed from here, what my next move should or shouldn't be.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Ps sorry for long post and if its incoherent, very late in Australia
You have already figured out that the expectation that your wife fight hard for your marriage was unrealistic.
There is always time to use hard line behaviors - save them for now. Of course you don't want to jump headfirst into pursuing her, but test the waters (by initiating something small). Alternately you can wait a bit before testing the waters. Waiting and being passive does seem to be 'more of the same' behavior from you as I read in this first post.
The most important thing you can do is to take care of your depression. Then, ensure your living situation is a safe one with regards to your son and your family. Then read everything you can on this site about 180s that work. The things that will be most effective for you are the things that blow her stereotype of you. Look for clues in your past- what were you doing and saying when she first fell in love with you?
Keep posting look into the resources on this site for more information. Keep posting and you will get a lot of support from wonderful people who have been or are currently in your shoes.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
After reading so much about no contact unless absolutely necessary, I dived into that these last couple of weeks- and that came after much pursuing.... I just didn't want my wife to think I don't care. I suppose what's need is a healthy balance of the two with constant loving detachment. Would that be fair to say?
Welcome aboard, Tony. I read your post, and it sounds as if your family has suffered a lot of emotional pain. Affairs not only wreck a marriage, but it affects everyone in the family.
Are you legally divorced?
Quote:
It was over a year since my wife moved out , my oldest son not talking to his mum and I had given up all hope of a reconciliation when my wife showed signs that she may be interested in trying again, I had a stupid expectation that she needed to "fight hard for our marriage" , wanting to do regular dinners and things to move quickly,I didn't understand her enough to be patient and let things go slow. She got spooked and backed off.
What do you mean she showed signs that she "may" be interested in trying again? Was there actually a conversation about reconciliation? Did she bring up the subject......or were you pursuing her?
Who was wanting to do regular dinners and things to move more quickly? You or your wife?
I got lost from the point of where you said you had expectations that she should fight hard for the marriage.......to the point of her getting spooked and backed off. Can you answer my questions, or explain your last paragraph again, please?
I am glad you read DR. I think you will get a lot of support here if you post often. The more information you share about your relationship and interactions with your wife, the more it will help us understand.
Your marriage can be saved, Tony. There needs to be a lot healing and guidance for everyone in this family. Do not get into a hurry for her to move back in with you. Take it very slowly and get professional family therapy. You don't want this pain repeated.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
After reading so much about no contact unless absolutely necessary, I dived into that these last couple of weeks- and that came after much pursuing.... I just didn't want my wife to think I don't care. I suppose what's need is a healthy balance of the two with constant loving detachment. Would that be fair to say?
'No contact unless absolutely necessary' is related to the last resort technique (LRT), which may not fit your case. The LRT is one of the 180s usually when nothing else is working.
Besides spooking your wife, you were expecting too much from your wife, that might not be hers to do. Obviously there is a lot you haven't talked about. And obviously no one online here can tell you what you should do (but we will ). At first glance you are the one owing change and fight to your wife. Your affair of 20 years ago is not in play now, and if you are holding onto resentment, you need to let it go.
Of course in 20 years there is more to it than that. And if your anger lead to behaviors from 2007 to 2014 that made here want to move out, you must not repeat those behaviors if you want her back. If you're were abusive, you need to make sure it isn't going to happen again (working with someone professionally who is trained specifically with abusers). Likewise with her.
If you still have serious things to work on, go with no contact until you are centered. If you are in a good place, test the waters. Have coffee with her just to chat/catch up with no pressure.
Btw--as you may have seen, sandi2 is a long-timer, a success story with great advice for both men and women. It's great that you caught her attention.
Last edited by sgctxok; 08/20/1605:28 PM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
So great to hear from you, you help so many here. It really is your ministry.
We aren't divorced at this stage. My wife engaged a lawyer over a year and half ago and let me know what her demands are in terms of property settlement, I, right or wrong have always said that if she were to go down the route of settlement that I would let go and move on...she put it on hold. Because she did I pursued but not in a graceful, patient way, rather a needy desperate spirit, we went out 3-4 times, on the last occasion we end up in an argument, mainly due to my impatience ( great movie, but didn't help that I had watched War Room! Wanted my wife to fight in that fashion)
Sandi, truth is my wife is a good woman, she likes to be truthful, when she expressed that she found it hard to love me she did in a gentle way not wanting to hurt me. I believe she REALLY DOES want to love me but doesn't now how to bring feelings back....I finally understand that.
Unfortunately my sons reaction took us on an unforeseen path.
Twice my wife has said, in tears, " why did you have to tell your family" about our problems even though I did many months later ( I still haven't told them about the affair 20 years ago) only 1 close mutual friend. The reason I mention this Sandi is because my wife cut ties with all my family and all our friends she feels that everyone is siding with me and because she is concerned with what everyone thinks of her I believe this is a MASSIVE road block to coming back. She has said that " l wish I hadn't said anything in the beginning" so sad.
Current status is I do believe there is hope however with a huge mountain to climb, she could easily settle the property and move on especially give the fact that she really needs the money but she hasn't. She is moving into a new rented unit this week so said she really needs space to take care of that and to think. I offered to help her but said that its all sorted. Just giving her that space now.
God bless you Sandy for pouring out of yourself for others
My wife and I were together since 1989, then in 1990 I, in a dramatic way(long story) became a Christian, my wife came along but didn't have the same enthusiasm as I did, I came from a rough drug taking life style and I was just so happy at what God had done in my life, yet I was still young and ignorant.
The church we were saved into was an ultra conservative Pentecostal church where women did not cut hair at all, no make up, no jewellery, only long dresses but my wife goes along with it but tries to express how she disagrees, how do I respond? " can't you just get with the program? All the other girls do! then in 93 we get married, off course no dancing at our wedding " because you only dance as unto the Lord" and this for a the girl who always loved to dance even as a little girl in her "spinning dress" All this together with my lack of true love for the real her led her to fall into the affair... I get it. In 97 we finally left and joined a church more suited to us.
Just thought I'd share that so you could understand my wife's affair wasn't just a girl gone wild thing.
My wife and I were together since 1989, then in 1990 I, in a dramatic way(long story) became a Christian, my wife came along but didn't have the same enthusiasm as I did, I came from a rough drug taking life style and I was just so happy at what God had done in my life, yet I was still young and ignorant.
The church we were saved into was an ultra conservative Pentecostal church where women did not cut hair at all, no make up, no jewellery, only long dresses but my wife goes along with it but tries to express how she disagrees, how do I respond? " can't you just get with the program? All the other girls do! then in 93 we get married, off course no dancing at our wedding " because you only dance as unto the Lord" and this for a the girl who always loved to dance even as a little girl in her "spinning dress" All this together with my lack of true love for the real her led her to fall into the affair... I get it. In 97 we finally left and joined a church more suited to us.
Just thought I'd share that so you could understand my wife's affair wasn't just a girl gone wild thing.
Hi Tony -
I've seen a fair amount of life and there is no judgment here with what either of you have or haven't done or will do. Many of us have a convoluted path to get to our best selves -- we often get there and leave it and come back again. The beauty is - you're in there trying or you wouldn't be here.
I have faith you two will work this out.
Create the path back to your family for her. It isn't easy, but you're right, it's probably necessary. Btw, she will love the strong man in you for working that out.
There are probably people here that have been through it - likely even sandi2, she's pretty darn wise.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely: It is what I normally call homework
). At first glance you are the one owing change and fight to your wife. Your affair of 20 years ago is not in play now, and if you are holding onto resentment, you need to let it go. 