I had 7 lessons of french(4 weeks) and this Friday I'm going to east coast for a break. French is difficult ... but I enjoy learning it.
The last post I had was at the beginning of July and I'm one step further of my own life. Husband kept his silence; is it good ? Does that mean he is calming down ?
Congratulations on the French lessons. French is difficult to learn, but you'll get it and once you do, you'll need to continue to practice using it so that you don't forget what you've learned.
If your h is silent, it could mean any number of things: 1) his is busy at work or out playing, 2) he's sitting at home after work looking at the 4 walls; is working on himself in his own way; and 4) maybe he's starting to settle down. Whatever the reason is, we can't assume anything when it comes to their behavior.
Keep the focus on you!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Learning French is not easy !! specially the pronunciation; I'm at level one, will continue the classes.
I don't think he needs my help at this moment, I do hope he is working on himself, meanwhile, I'm healing myself from those bad things he said to me. 10% of them might be my problem but 90% of them were not true. I had my own problem, I was not control my temper well(I'm learning and practice and is more mature) my relationship with his family wasn't close, however I was honest and devoted to our family and marriage...
I got bombed on Sept. 2014. I can remember the date clearly that he gave me the speech of 「I love you but I'm not in love with you」「I want to move out in searching myself」the two speeches and something that he told me prior are the clues I'm looking for knowledge of midlife crisis. I also remember he was cold and distant for 12-18 months before I got bombed, he mentioned he enjoys working with the young people, he loves to be around by young people, he was interested in shopping outfit that is not suiting...
Want to give myself a warm hug, how hard it was to let go of him, he blamed me for everything, he threatened me he is moving out, he pushes for divorce for a year. We bump into each other when he was dating the other woman.
I really appreciate the information on this forum, thank you all soooooooo much for sharing and the encouragement !
You mentioned that you are looking for knowledge of MLC. Did you read the homework links that Cadet provided to you? If so, go back and re-read them. There is a wealth of info all over this forum as to what MLC can look like. As for what your h said, yes, his speech is very similar to what we have heard one time or another. His behavior speaks of MLC.
Continue to post and most importantly read the other threads. Again, there is a wealth of info in each and every thread.
Keep up the good work that you are doing for yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Thanks for sharing the links, I had those links 6 months ago and studied as much as I could. These are very useful knowledge, I had the knowledge and the next step I did was 'let go' of him.
I'm pulling myself all together piece by piece; he had me 'destroyed' little by little these three to four years, I have to admit it I was lost, we lived under the same roof but he was cold and distant; like I was living alone and I try to please him from time to time, till the bomb dropped, he seldom communicate, I hurt myself in getting his attention and he sees that as pressure and threaten. He didn't help me with the chores and he did not give me money(I got a job and I have my own saving) after I read all the information from this forum I had the idea and I realized the problem he had; lack of coping skill, his poor, miserable childhood. I'm not perfect, but I have models, I know how my father and mother are together, they love each other, support each other...
I do love this man, he wasn't like this when we were young and we were together the early years. I chose to stand (he stopped pushing me for divorce since this January)
There was a period of time, I hate to see the mirror, can not recognize myself from the mirror, I asked 'who I am really' ??
He is quiet now, I enjoy doing things by myself and for myself, If I could I would love to help others. I work as volunteer for church, prepare food for the poor and started the language lessons, I enjoy reading, listening to music, I went to movie, walk or jogging after work. I even had the interests in dressing up a little. I was unhappy for years, living with him(MLCer) was a burden I have to say.
Knowledge is power ! Without the forum, I could not make it to where I'm now.
I have a question; what will happen and what is like to the person with it's original family(parents especially) where he had all trauma from when he eventually gets out of the tunnel from his midlife crisis ?
How will they reconciled ? Will they be reconciled ?
Babe, Each situation is different. The MLCer could sit down and talk to the parents (if they are still alive) and then accept what happened. In some cases, the parents are deceased and there's no way to have that talk...but the MLCer may go to a therapist and work thru the issues and come to realize that he/she wasn't at fault for what transpired.
What I have found is that the MLCer needs to go back to the time that they were emotionally stunted and face those issues, accept that they weren't at fault and then continue on w/their journey. Let me just say this...accepting that they weren't at fault doesn't mean that the scars aren't there and they don't think about what happened. They live w/the knowledge each and every day, but if they can work thru those issues, the scars can fade into the background a bit. Their lives may or may not get better w/the knowledge and in some cases, they won't forgive the person(s) who stunted them emotionally w/their actions. Those individuals are usually the ones that remain stuck.
Some reconcile and others don't...it depends upon how both parties deal w/the issues that are raised.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Job for getting back to my question; 'reconcile' means the MLCer eventually forgive the one or both parents, will the bother be included ? It takes time and courage, doesn't it ?
He went to a therapist after he had me bombed(Sep.2014), they talked about nothing but how bad I was and the 'troubles' that our marriage caused ... I personally talked to his therapist for just one time, she told me all the problem could come from husband's dysfunctional family. However she can not had husband convinced of that and things just went wild immediately...
I pass the test of French (level I) and did great on that, I'm going to next level, there will be 14 weeks of lesson and will be started in two weeks (I'm very excited)
