newbie. sep 6months. Little hope for reconcilation

[sandi2]

Are you initiating the phone contacts with your W? If so, I encourage you to wait for her to contact you. It sounds as if she wants to feel space and freedom from you/marriage. She may see you more like an enemy or the source to all her problems, rather than the man who loves her.

When she does contact you, use that time to apply some tools that, perhaps, you aren't currently using.

Don't bring up the subject of your MR. If she brings it up, then listen to her.....as long as she's being civil. Right now, R talks will trigger the emotions on both sides, so it's better to just listen and validate her where you can.

Validate her feelings, if at all possible.

Don't ask a lot of questions, drill her, or lecture.

If she talks about problems at work, or with her friends, etc., don't try to be Mr. Fix-it. Just listen and validate.

Speak softly.

Smile as you speak. Although she may not be able to see you, it helps you to have an approachable tone of voice. She can hear the friendliness of your voice.

Don't offer solutions, unless she specifically asks you for your opinion.

If she blames you for something that you know is/was your fault....then apologize.

Focus on you not emotionally reacting to anything she says. You are in control of your behavior. You are showing her that you can be calm when talking with her. Hold it together while you are on the phone.

If she loses her temper and yells, curses, make accusations against you.......calmly tell her that it's time to end the call and can talk another time. Then you hang up the phone.



How was this loss.......the person related to her? Was it after the time she lost the person that you began seeing more anger in her?

What about her looks? Dress younger, different color hair, cosmetic surgery, or whatever, that maybe she didn't previously do?

Does she show anger with just you/kids, or with coworkers and friends, too?

[Cessna]

Yes I've initiated phone/texts. Basically regarding kids. But I have cut way back. Yes, she sees me as the enemy. I'm absolutely following your recommendations. About 3 weeks now. When she contacts me it is veiled in some subject but turns into me being a villain.

Family loss her side. Forgot 2, 2 and 4 yrs ago. Uncle and mom. No, didn't see a change then. Teeth whitening? Nothing stands out. Shows anger to kids, me, family members, and sometimes the public. Sometimes extreme. Usually after just a couple drinks though. Slightest amount of alcohol now has big effects. Lots of lies the last couple of years to anyone.

Funny you should mention. Yesterday at dinner, she called me on the premise of something and then went into a rage on me what I have done previous to our marriage, during, and what I'll do in the future. My demeanor was calm and supportive. I'm kind of a normal guy. No drugs, educated, career, no arrests, no cheating, always worked hard. Sometimes drink more than I should. We both do. But, I've turned the corner on that. I think she has too.

She is always mad and uses terminology and facial expressions I have never heard or seen before. Also now uses financial lingo that she never new before. I feel she's getting advice from divorced friends. Again I'm no angel. I have had short fuses before and say stuff in the heat of the moment I don't mean. I've improved hugely.

I know that her extreme inner beauty, kindness, patient, caring, and generous self is still in there. Her Outside beauty is still spectacular! I hope this wasn't too long?

[Cadet]

I hope this wasn't too long?

Nope - we could use more of it to try to help you more.

The best thing I can tell you is keep giving her space.
She is not doing anything different than most others have done here.

Glad you are not drinking anymore,
keep up the good work!

[Cessna]

Common pattern huh? would be interesting to know the rate of return typically?

[MrBond]

I notice alot of your posts are very straightforward and to the point with no embellishment. I don't know if it's because of what you're typing your post on, but can you give us more details as to your marital history? I feel like we're just getting bullet points and that you're just interested in direct answers.

Because this deals with people's emotions, it's never cut and dry. Therefore the more details about what you argued about (with specifics), how you deal with conflict, how you act and how she acts, etc. would help very much.

Incidentally, I notice you score keep in a number of your posts. For example, you say that she accused you of something, and then you mention that she does it also but won't admit to it. Do you do that often?

[Cessna]

could you better explain your last paragraph?

[MrBond]

Score keeping is when rather than just fully accepting the responsibility for something you did and just ending it, you have to point out something that your spouse did wrong.

[Cessna]

I thought I was pointing out my failures too as well as accepting responsibility?

[MrBond]

"Says I'm emotionally abusive. We both are."

"fighting arguing for some time. emotional abuse both sides. I've curbed quite it bit 2 yrs. She doesn't admit to any."

" Talked about S for a couple years. To be fair. Both of us have super stressful sales jobs."

Score keeping.

BTW, after going through your posts again, they just seem very abbreviated. Is that how you normally communicate or are you typing this out on your phone? It's hard to tell what you mean with just the bullet points.

[MrBond]

Also, would you say you've got a quick temper or take things "personally"? What stood out for me was your first few posts where someone just tried to help you by injecting humor in a stressful situation and you took it personally. Then when the person apologized and others chimed in to help, you didn't acknowledge any of them.

In fact, with everyone's help, you don't really say 'thank you' (except once). We all went through what you're going through.