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lt0402 #2697651 08/18/16 09:12 AM
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I have the same mind-wandering moments when it's just me and the kids together and have the same feelings when they occur. I try to tell myself it's the effort that counts, and that some of that is to be expected given how hard our lives have been shaken by all of this, but it still really [censored] when you realize your kid has been trying to get your attention for some unknown amount of time while you ruminate on the same old depression crap.


Me: 46
W: 44
Married: 17
Together 21
D13; S10
BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you)
Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage
Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
lt0402 #2697654 08/18/16 09:24 AM
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ok, the note. I left it on the counter, but snapped a picture of each page w/ my phone this morning before work to read it. Here goes:

"You know I have done nothing but take care of D for the past 10 yrs. Her clothing, mes, food, field trips, school forms, dr/dentist, asthma plans, and allergies. Taken her all sorts of fun places. Stayed up w/ her when sick, spent a year of my life not sleeping when I was researching why she was sick all the time. I book her camps, drive her friends to art, and take them out for ice cream. My R with D is amazing. I handle homework, all meals and snacks. Bear with me bc there is a point, this is NOT a dig on you."

"I have done lived, breathed, done nothing but love and care for D for 10 yrs. I know this is sometimes a bad thing, and my being so overprotective has been a major reason why our MR is so screwed up. However, I would NEVER do anything to hurt her. It's very, very important you understand that fully, so take a moment to let that sink in."

"She is now, and has been since D was born, my only priority. My whole life. No girls night, no out of town trips, nothing. I know that's not healthy, trust me, but she is the only thing I care about. My only priority. I've never been selfish, said I was too sick/tired to care for her. Even when I was too tired to find the grocery store, I held it together and did 99.9% of her care. All w/ no sleep, little help. Take a minute and let that sink in. It's important."

"I'm trying my best to not sound angry, but you need to remember we've been feeling like you don't care for so long, we both kind of gave up on you. I'm sorry for that, but I can't fix that now. But for you to even make the implication I would ever, ever "blow up Ds life" as you like to put it, over some text msgs w/ OM is quite possibly the most insane and irresponsible thing you've ever said. Think about that for a sec. You are aware I'm not that kind of person. You are aware I'd never hurt D. For you to believe, even for one sec, I'd cavalierly end 11 yrs of MR over what is not even close to a relationship is crazy. Esp. considering I made no plans to see OM until after we were clearly S. You are also wrong about what happened. If you are saying 5/31 is the date of S, which it wasn't, I still made no plans to see OM before then."

"You have read the msgs, right? You read them, so you know nothing happened when you and I were technically M. You know nothing happened before I told you it was over. You know that wasn't even a thought in either of our heads. No plans were even hinted at until into Jun. Also the nights away from home were spent w/ a large group of people. Feel free to give them a call."

"You go out of town all the time. Wherever and whenever you want. D and I don't always know where you are. I was gone less than 24 hrs. Not to mention before that date, even as far back as 2014, that our MR was over. This winter I told you we'd eventually be living separate and I was one and we were not ok, and you changed nothing. In April, I said to you that D wanted you to move out of house bc it was better when you were gone for her and you changed nothing. I said it was time to think about living apart and you did nthing. Even were I not open to "communication" you made 0 attempts to fix this sitch, even w/ D. Also, I asked several times what you thought, how you wantd us to fix things, etc. You always said "I don't know". I'm aware we both screwed MR up, but I never relayed anything other than I was done. Never. Not a single time."

"You agreed to separate amicably. You can get pissed about the sitch if you want, but don't ever claim the R w/ OM was what ended our MR. It's not true and not fair. I would NEVER hurt D like that."

"I'm not even talking to OM right now. I had no intention of dating him. He lives out of state. I'd never be so careless, reckless, and stupid to mess w/ Ds life over that and on some level you have to know that. Say what you will about me, but never call me a bad mother. You simply know that's not true. It would be different if I hadn't let you know it was over before then, but I did. You chose to ignore it. I can't help that."

"You've ignored D and I so much over the years, we both felt like you did not care. We told you that over and over and still you didn't care. It literally never occurred to me you'd care about separating or what the h$ll I did w/ my life. D and I told you so many times. D and I told you it hurt us. We told you it wasn't ok. We begged and pleaded w/ you. D and I cried. It would have been so easy to fix that part you know? I informed you a LONG time ago, you get out of us what you give us. You could have just paid a little attention to your D. You could have taken care of the yard. If you'd just written a post-it note instead of getting mad at us for asking. I know my bad attitude made it all so much worse, but D and I both feel the same way about how you treated us. Not just me.

"D was so upset she cried to her teacher and she was upset enough to cry to you, and you still did NOTHING. Stop blaming something that wasn't part of the problem. This MR ended years ago. Accept that. Maybe we could have gone to MC 5 years ago, but you need to accept it was too late by Christmas when I said it was done. Never once did I sugarcoat it. Never did I say anything other than it's over and you need to fix things w/ D, which you didn't. I wish we'd done ALOT of things differently, starting when D was born. Please know my overprotectiveness was only 50% my problem. I felt that I could not count on you and in turn I felt that I couldn't count on anyone. You can clearly see I'm working on that now though. I'm letting her swim, do sleepover, and letting her be a kid. I really am trying."

You made progress w/ D, but then went right back to your old ways but you can still fix that. I know you already know this, but you only get so mancy chances w/ D and she's told you basically, enough is enough. You have a chance to fix that. If you want to go to counseling to fix our communication problems, I'd be open to that, but NOT to work on our MR. Our MR was over a long time ago. We only need to be able to communicate w/ each other and be parents. We have to be able to go to her plays and school stuff w/o stressing her out. Accept that and let us both move on. D will be ok if we can be decent human beings and coparents. Think about that before you do anything, ok?"

"You have been going places w/o telling us, getting new clothes, and making secret plans for dinner. If you think your life is none of my business, which it is not, stop making mine your business. It is not. We are not married. We are separated. If you think it's ok to act like that, don't turn around and expect different from me. If you want me out of your stuff, stay out of min. That's insane. It is a complete violation and you know that. You say you can't trust me, but D and I have told you over and over we don't trust you. Stop expecting to be treated better than you treat us. It's not fair. You have been made for 6 weeks, we have been mad for 6 yrs. Remember that."

"Take a moment to thing about all this. It is not coming from a bad place, I just need you to keep things amicable for Ds sake. I know we can be adults. D will be fine if we do it the right way. I am most certainly not "imploding her life", I'm trying to fix it."

"When you're ready to discuss w/o yelling, I will listen and speak like an adult. Seriously."


Me39
M11 : T13
D9
BD 5/31/16
In House S until 6/21/17
Divorced 10/5/18
lt0402 #2697730 08/18/16 11:58 AM
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Well, re-reading that letter the second time it gives me a mixture of anger and sadness. She sure does like to lob D in on all the complaining parts. The sad part is that if you asked D today, she'd say none of this.

W seems so far gone down the rabbit-hole now. I'm half expecting her to say she's going out of town labor day weekend as well. It wouldn't fit w/ her "I'm not talking to OM for a bit" story she's selling right now, but we'll see. Regardless, I'm going to assume she'll be going so I'm not setup for the gut punch when she leaves.

The GAL part for me sure seems to grind on her. She continues to mention it every conversation we have. She tries to equate it to what she's been doing as though the two negate each other.

It is what it is. Done analyzing.

Just got a message from our bank. They'd meant to call my W, but for some reason called me. W apparently had an appointment w/ someone in the bank branch today at 1030 that she missed. they were calling to reschedule it.

I'm thinking that I need to address that with her to see what's going on. Last thing I want is for anything odd to start happening w/ our finances.


Me39
M11 : T13
D9
BD 5/31/16
In House S until 6/21/17
Divorced 10/5/18
lt0402 #2697739 08/18/16 12:30 PM
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Sent this to W:

M: "Bank left a message. Asked if you want to reschedule your meeting with her for tomorrow or Monday. ###-###-####."

W: "Thx. Went in Monday to open CC and personal banker wanted me to meet w/ someone about personal finances. Nothing to do with our current accounts."

W: "Not sure why they called you"

Both Ls I've met have said to not open new accounts/CCs until we get a S agreement in place. I think I need to break my silence with her and mention to her that we not do anything until we have that.

At this point, I think I've sold myself on the fact that the S agreement is coming regardless of what I do. Probably better to take control of the situation than let her drive it. W tends to try to do this type of financial stuff via brute force, which can lead to some less than optimal outcomes.

I think i'll wait until I get home tonight to address it with her.

Not really in the mood to discuss anything over text right now.

Not really in the mood to discuss anything with her period.

Tired, hurt, mad, sad...

Guessing I need to pick myself up, shake myself off, lose the anger from the past weekend, and face the W head on. If that means pushing the S agreement forward, so be it. At least then we can separate finances and remove one level of stress from the playing field.

Am I crazy?


Me39
M11 : T13
D9
BD 5/31/16
In House S until 6/21/17
Divorced 10/5/18
lt0402 #2697754 08/18/16 01:35 PM
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Ok, so now I've gotten two more messages from W:

W: "Did someone named Sarah call you from the bank by any chance?"

M: "At 3:57. ###-###-####"

W: "Just left a number?"

--------------

Haven't responded. On the voicemail, the person from the bank said "I wanted to check in with you. I believe you didn't make it for your appointment. I have some good news! Give me a call at...."

No clue what W is cooking right now, but she seems concerned about the information being left on the voicemail. It's really not helping with my level of trust w/ W though.


Me39
M11 : T13
D9
BD 5/31/16
In House S until 6/21/17
Divorced 10/5/18
lt0402 #2697808 08/18/16 03:44 PM
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I wonder if WW could be opening a credit card without me knowing it to setup another phone for contacting OM. Guess this is where the snooping leads to. This truly is insane. I'm going to have to check that WW can't open anything with my name attached to it though.

There was a laminated card about Verizon replacement service for phones on her counter yesterday. Today when I got home it was on top of a large stack of papers on her counter, right in the open. Could she really be trying to bait me into confronting her?

There's no way I'm letting her use our funds to cover a 2nd phone if this is the case. Unsure how she plans to pay for the second credit card without me knowing. Has it really come to this?


Me39
M11 : T13
D9
BD 5/31/16
In House S until 6/21/17
Divorced 10/5/18
lt0402 #2697851 08/18/16 06:11 PM
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Well, a whirlwind of a day to say the least. Checked my credit report and no inquiries on there. W must have been able to get CC in her name only.

It does make me anxious about the finances though. The papers on the counter appear to be printouts of our wills and our family trust. The Verizon card on top of them, which was also conveniently left out yesterday, seems like a passive aggressive way of telling me she's talking to OM regardless of what I do. Also, if she opened a new account in her name at the bank, why would they possibly call me. Her putting my phone num on the account?

All very strange and I'm assuming not coincidental. Needless to say I'm not detached by any means. Is all this drama purposeful?

Came home tonight, ate dinner on couch with D, and exited when Finished to check my credit report. W showered while D and I made 100 paper airplanes and test flew them off the overhang above the family room. Had a blast.

W joined in the fun with some humor and then it was time for bed. D going down now. D has a sleepover here tomorrow but not one Saturday night like W had said. May try to setup a dinner with a friend tomorrow if D is having the sleepover. Saturday evening I have a remote GAL via Skype with 11 friends for our annual fantasy football draft.

D and I have a trip planned next Tuesday to a water park. A fun overnight trip coming back midday Wednesday. Really looking forward to that. No idea what crazy stuff WW will do while we are gone. Im thinking I need to have a conversation with her about no OM around D or in our house. Open to thoughts there. Assuming I'll have to face a convo with her this weekend anyway.

Last L visit tomorrow. Trying not to lose my mind in all this. What I wouldn't give to live by myself out in the middle of the woods of Alaska or somewhere right now. Got to be safer surrounded by grizzly bears and other less ferocious beasts in the wild.

Sorry for the ramblings today all. Helps me settle back in if I can release it out here. Still trying to fully grasp the letter and what response I need to take there.


Me39
M11 : T13
D9
BD 5/31/16
In House S until 6/21/17
Divorced 10/5/18
lt0402 #2697869 08/18/16 08:10 PM
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about the letter- my W too said everything is for D. every move, every breath, blah blah. I'm untrustworthy, unreliable, oh man sounds so similar...weird! I like how your W speaks for her. Has D ever mentioned anything to you? Kids to tend to say what you want to hear, or in this case what your W wants to hear (my D is 199% guilty of that stuff) W may be hearing what she wants, and D may be supplying her with it, which is fueling your W. For instance, D will tell my W if I made a simple comment about OM, but will of course fail to tell W that D began spilling the beans and I was merely agreeing or something simple. Why? They feel in the middle and want to be "good" with both parents. The only way to do that (at least in my case) is to tell us what we want to hear.

good luck with your continuing detachment!


Me(W): 29 EXW: 30
T: 6 M: 2
SD: 10
BD: 04/2016
PS: 04/2016
W officially "seeing" someone 09/2016
W filed 03/2017
Officially Divorced 11/2017
lt0402 #2697879 08/18/16 10:15 PM
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Originally Posted By: lt0402
D and I made 100 paper airplanes and test flew them off the overhang above the family room.


A W E S O M E ! ! !


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
ForGump #2697880 08/18/16 10:29 PM
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Holy cow, read the letter after I read about the paper airlines.

That letter was a nuclear bomb. Oh man...


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
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