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ATPeace Offline OP
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Ok so been here a very long time and have been helped by so many over the months.

SH_ thank you for standing by me I have started in the homework and I. Have watched a couple of the guy winch talks found them very interesting

So I am really going to do my best to make this next thread all about me and what I can do to help me.

I have been training with a personal trainer and although I have been packing on the muscle I know this by the weights I am now able to lift I still find that my weight is not shifting so diet is 80 % of what is the problem

I would say I am about 60 lbs over weight I realise it is not just about weight it is more about how I look and how I feel so I will use this as a guide

So for the next week I am going to monitor exactly what I am eating and I am going to make a reall effort that each and very time I go to grab something unhealthy instead I will DRINK THE WATER - TAKE A SIP and eat something healthy instead and at the end of the week I will weigh myself again

Every day I will start the day with 30 minutes of exercise at home. I have been paying a huge amount for a personal trainer and he has helped me but it is time I helped myself.

Goals for this week

Be more in touch with my children's needs I will spend a measurable amount of quality time with each of my children.

Do my share of the housework and I will decide what is enough.

Not get drawn in to arguments practice empathy and validation

I am going to look for somewhere to volunteer and by the end of the week I will report back here and let you know what I have found.

Ghost


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Joined: Jun 2015
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ATPeace Offline OP
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Ok so I wanted to keep this thread about me but I have a rather pressing problem question


My W and my 15 year old son have fallen out big time over the state off his bedroom and neither of them will back down least of all my W

She as already stopped him going on a small vacation with a fried and has also imposed that he cannot go out with friends or have friends over

My son is now saying that he will not do his bedroom because mummy did not back down and that he will not back down as he feels she is,now being unreasonable

Now my W very rarely if ever backs,down

She,disowned her. Father he let step mum abuse her turned a blind eye And disowned her mother(she walked out. On her when she. Was 5)

I do not want a huge wedge to be built between the two of them and also what if my w says to me are you not going to back me up ? Making me choose happy son or back up my W with punishments

Any advice

Many thanks

Ghost


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Joined: Aug 2016
Posts: 433
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Here is my advice.
Go in and be like hey, can we at least fix up X? (one part of disaster room). Then maybe mom will calm down. I will help you.
Bit parts.
Or, "how about we reorganize X area. let's do this."
baby steps.
Is he a hoarder? does he have issues? lots of kids with issues actually can't figure out how to organize/clean a room.


me 42 H 32
T 7yr
M 6yr
BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY
Separated 7/2016
Joined: Mar 2015
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I agree with Altair, you need to tread carefully with playing one another off and risk of playing mr nice guy dad who allows anything so long as kid is happy.

This is really tricky. My child is a toddler, and at times. I really don't agree with how my wh parents. But who am I to say that I'm right and he's wrong. So meeting in a middle ground would be good. Tell your wife you will speak to him. And don't do it for son, but assist. Help him reorganise, rearrange his BR.


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
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ATPeace Offline OP
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So to share a little more information

I just feel that they should compromise but my w is stubborn and never backs down and eldest son he is digging in his feet he has already been punished big time and because she did not manage to get him to back down and do his room she is adding further punishments / blackmail (his view). Conditions /boundaries (her view).

He did tidy his room at least he started to but because it was not done to her level she did not let him go on a summer break with a school friend.

I feel I should step in as the man of the house regain my balls not to undermine her or to come down on him like a ton of bricks but to stand as the voice of reason and put a stop to this before my son and my W fall out big time.

Remember I had a massive falling out with my eldest daughter and it has taken a very long time with lots of effort for me to repair our relationship I feel it is now much better but still has potential to fire up if not managed respectfully.

My son is a very hard worker and a good lad does a lot for me but then I do a lot for him my W does very little for my son and so he does very little for her this needs to be addressed. I was always very close to my son and she was closer to our daughter.

One other huge concern is that in the past he has got upset and has self harmed he has cut himself lightly with a blade....yesterday when he was told that he was not going to be allowed to go on the summer break he got so upset that he cut himself ...again it was lightly but it was enough to give me concern.

So I have a 17 year old daughter that has self harmed and has taken an overdose small enough that it was a cry for help but non the less an overdose and I have a 15 year old self harming .....so is this because they are both so unhappy about mummy and daddy separating and the threat of living in seperate houses or is it because mummy and daddy are separated yet living together is it this causing them to get upset as they see daddy upset and mummy pulling away ...or is it just them being teenagers rebelling

Do I move out ask my son where he wants to live live ...I suspect he will say with me just as my daughter would say she wants to live with mummy and then child swap the other children with my W ....I want to keep the family unit together but at what cost ?

Thank you

Ghost


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Joined: Aug 2016
Posts: 433
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Ghost,
eh,
a room tidy isn't worth your ball retrieval or not, in my opinion. i think the self harming happens to kids these days if their parents are separating or not, I've seen a lot of it, I am speaking from experience of knowing teens.
Don't be hard on yourself.
Develop a relationship with your son (and daughter) that you want, for you , for them. Teenagers these days are HARD. They don't live in the world we grew up in. I've had IC tell me to focus on the relationship with the kid, not sweat small stuff like messy room. This of course is in contrast to your W, but you can somehow separate your feelings about the room, and hers, validate both of them, and keep neutral. my advice is the last sentence.


me 42 H 32
T 7yr
M 6yr
BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY
Separated 7/2016
Joined: Mar 2016
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Let your w and s work on their own relationship. It is not for you to get involved or try to have any influence on that.
And as Altair says don't over evaluate the reasons behind your kids doing what they are doing. Truth is it could be a million different things that influence the behaviors. Sure your r with the w is causing strain for them but is is not the sole reason and you can't fix that.
G my friend stay focused here.
You need to do what is right here for you first.
I agree that validating both of them is good, but don't over step your w ability and authority with s. Don't worry that s will be upset with you because you don't step in.
It is a tough spot to be in with an in house s, but there is much info out there about co parenting that can provide insight for you.

Keep learning and stay focused on fixing you. You need to put on your oxygen mask before you can help everyone else.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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ATPeace Offline OP
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Thank you for the advice re my son I just want to talk to them both and get a resolution

Well today started the day feeling really lonely taking my two older children out for breakfast but I just feel at a loss without my W wanting to be there.

Did not manage to get out with both my children before they were at each other ended up with me taking my daughter back home and going off to breakfast with just my son and toddler .....now feeling totally crap

I am finding this situation so difficult breaking down all the time and I have just booked an appointment with my doctor

Got to be the rock

So much for this thread being about me


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
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You are the one who has to make it about you!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Apr 2015
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You need to chip away at your issues and problems one by one. I feel you pile them all up in front of you and then become overwhelmed by the task.

Back to the tidy room issue. I agree with others who have said that it is nit your place to FIX the R between them. You have been fired as H, so it is not your role to support W either. It is best when ye agree but you have no obligation to agree with her.

That brings me to the crunch of the issue. What do you as man of the house want? You want to step into that role but have never shared what you think yourself. You have outlined both their sides very well, but not YOUR viewpoint.

Best wishes.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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