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Here is the Link from the old thread.

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Cld,
If I remember correctly, you had posted early on in the previous thread that you had some things that you needed to work on for yourself. Can you share what they were? What were the most common issues that your wife complained about w/you and the marriage?

If you are uncomfortable answering, I understand. Sometimes, it helps us to better understand what the MLCing spouse was/is complaining about w/the spouse.

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Controlling.
That's the main thing I believe.
Which I am to some degree.
Having said that, I am perfectly fine living separately for the rest of our lives and see each other occasionally.
Am I still controlling?

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Cld,
I can't respond to your question about are you still controlling. I might be better able to answer that question after you've posted for a longer period of time. I'm sure that there were other issues that she may have pointed out.

Generally when they say we are controlling, they can also tend to point out that we are manipulative, stubborn, condescending, don't listen, judgmental, determined to have our way and we want to always be right and we always want the last word in any conversation or discussion. Has your wife ever stated that you don't value you her as an equal partner because she's a woman? If you don't feel comfortable answering the above, I do understand. These examples are just a few of what some of the MLCers will toss out for justification.

I do think that you need to keep an open mind on what the posters have been posting and take some time to think about what they've posted. They all can't be wrong and they all certainly didn't come from broken homes. We are here to assist any way that we can and we want to see every poster become a success story, i.e., whether the spouses reconcile or they go their separate ways.


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I praised my wife all the time, I told her that she was a good mother, very intelligent, very hardworking and good-looking. I always asked her for her advice on medical and educational related matters. I cooked frequently for her and watched the kids Saturday and Sunday morning so that she could sleep in.
We planned family trips all the time, picking blueberries, train rides, snow festivals. We spent vacations together, we drove to California from Michigan and back.
I never hit her and only occasionally there were disagreements. Two days before she left we celebrated our son's birthday at a water park and the day before we ate dinner with friends all happily. She came home with 3 police officers who gave me a restraining order and left with the kids. I thought I was going to die out of pain. I haven't talked to her in 7 months. After telling the judge, he ordered a psychological evaluation and we found out that her mother divorced her father out of the blue when she was 7. Now my daughter is 7 and she has divorced me out of the blue as well. She is doing to me exactly what her mother did to her father. We can call it midlife crisis or chaos child syndrome. What I have realized is that childhood matters, women tend to act like their mothers and men like their fathers during the first 10 years.

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Cld,
I am very sorry that you are in this situation. I know it was a shock to discover that she had filed for divorce. I know it's difficult not to think about your situation all of the time, but do try to focus on yourself as much as possible and also on your children.

I know that you see your son often...but is the reason that you don't see your daughter as much because of you spanking her when you lived as a family? Can you remember if your wife ever mentioned being corrected by her father, i.e., spanking, etc.? Something about how she's dealing w/daughter's visitation doesn't sound right...but I could be wrong.

What transpired 12-18 months prior to her dropping the bomb? Something triggered this reliving in the past for her. Did someone close to her pass away, lose a job or project, etc.? Her dropping the bomb may have appeared sudden, but she had been thinking about leaving for some time. By the time the bomb was dropped, she had already begun to detach from the relationship, etc.

Let's focus on you a bit...what are your hobbies and interests? What did you enjoy doing pre wife and family?

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Starting next week I will be able to take my daughter home finally each Sunday from 10 am until 6 pm. Yes, my wife said in court that I was verbally and physically abusive with our daughter because I spanked her on the bottom 4 times in 7 years (shaking my head) and the judge gave me supervised visitation for one hour a week in the past six months (unbelievable!). I don't know who is more messed up, my wife or the legal system. Again, I came from Italy, and this would be absurd there. The judge in Italy would have told my wife that we needed to go to marriage counseling for one year before filing for divorce and that spanking a child on the bottom occasionally is perfectly fine. No wonder Italy has one of the lowest divorce rates in the world. I saw women in court here all excited about getting divorced and that looked surreal to me. Nobody seems to understand the damage done to the children, lawyers surely don't care, they only care about money. If I tell them that the system is messed up and that divorce is wrong they become defensive because they probably filed for divorce themselves in the past or came from broken families (lawyers divorce a lot). It looks like with every generation things are getting worse. I will do my best to protect my children from this monster called divorce but the system, her family, the media, her mother and her friends are all against me.

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A few days before the bomb drop we has sex and we talked about how we were going to celebrate our coming anniversary. Everything seemed normal.

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The trigger was our daughter becoming 7. She had to get divorced because her parents got divorced when she was 7.

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