Am I on the wrong bicycle?

[Ginger1]

I agree, his children won't be very traumatized, but my children for instance would become very upset if I started to bash their mother.

I know I have addressed this before, but I'll try again.

No one said that if you don't praise, you have to bash. No one on here would ever advise anyone to bash their ex's in front of their kids.

young children, adult, or otherwise.

Going over the top with praise seems fake. respect is pretty much the goal.

[AndrewP]

Why not 5?

Here in a bit, you're not going to need crumbs, cause you'll be baking your own cake.

2 - 5 years that is just a number. Don't dwell on it.

Thanks Jack. You're absolutely right. 5 is just a number as is 2 or even 1 week. None of them actually matter. MWD I believe wrote about the two people walking their own paths to an unknown destination. I think that applies very well here. H@ll - I have enough troubles planning 2 days out right now.

Talking about her to the kids is an odd situation. I've stopped. For D24 she very clearly stated that she now has boundaries that she's working on (she's seeing her own IC) and will not talk about other people. Sadly I think that it was me asking if she'd heard from W and expressing my concern about her that caused that. I never asked though and she never said. S22 was just plain uncomfortable and uncommunicative about it. Both children have stated very plainly to me that they will not "take sides" and I've never asked them to. To the best of my knowledge they don't know about the A but I could be wrong. The closest I've ever come to saying anything is that I was concerned about W having people around her that I felt were "bad influences".

You can skip the next bit about our relationship with the kids if you like.

W has always had an odd relationship with the kids after they moved out. She has an expectation that they will reach out to "her" to talk which rarely happened in the past. (She calls her own mother every Sunday) I have no idea what is going on right now. When she left she did call them and said the same thing to them as she did to me that she was leaving to "escape the noise" - they have taken that as that she doesn't want them reaching out to her. When they did both talk to me about hearing from W which was only for about a week after she left they both said that leading up to her moving out and after that she was unresponsive when the reached out although she did see their Snapchat posts.

I don't know if the kids ever knew/noticed but W has resented them somewhat after they moved out. When D24 left for university she would have panic attacks and need to be visited for a "rescue". I had no problem and would stop by on my way home from work easily but W resented having to go out of her way because of D24's "drama". D24 and I have always been very close and at one point I know that W was jealous of it. W resents S22 because he dropped out of school and even a couple of years later we are still paying his living expenses and rent. She pushed me a few times to give him an ultimatum and I refused saying that if she wanted to cut him off that she had to deliver that message herself but that he had unconditional love and support from me (and later gave her that same message post BD1). I had also suggested that since she and S22 are similar that she spend time with him and work on encouraging him to find work because he would resent/reject anything I said. She never did and I never pushed the issue.

In talking to the kids and other people (ignoring the SIL army who know far more) I have always and for many years been positive and upbeat about W. She is a smart, fun person who is capable of great things. Even after BD when she was doubting that she could make it on her own I sat with her and honestly told her that I believed in her and that she could do "anything" if she set her mind to it. I would often brag to people as well about what a wonderful person and wife she was - and still feel that she was. One of her "complaints" to me was that I had her on a pedestal and that it made her uncomfortable. Mind you, she never said that or looked uncomfortable pre BD.

All of that aside the kids are I feel traumatized by this. S22 more so than D24 who is married and has a busy life of her own. I've been reaching out to them and calling them about every 10 days or so and trying my best to be upbeat and not mentioning W or our problems at all. The closest I'll get to that is talking about my adventures in housekeeping or that I've gotten some more of her stuff tidied up into boxes.

I'm going to have to take a look at cake recipes. I used to do a very good carrot cake.

Thanks again Jack - this feedback really helps me to focus on me and be more firm in dropping the rope.

[ericmsant2]

The SIL are under instruction to only let me know if something "significant" happens such as her parading OM around.

Why and what purpose does it serve YOU to know if she is parading OM around?

I'm spending more time with my own family (brothers + SIL + brand-new nephew) that W had largely cut me off from (long presumably irrelevant story).

I could be wrong but I suspect that your W did not hold a gun to your head – hence you cut your family off. I guess my question is….why did YOU cut out your family. Not judging…just wondering…

Are you willing to wait 2-5 years for her midlife crisis to pass?

Here my comments on this question on your thread from another poster……

How about living one day at a time and focusing on the moment. The faster that you can begin to do this..the faster things get a bit easier.

I believe that praising your wife is the most important thing that you can do right now,

Here is my take on this piece of advice that was given…..

1) Trying or making a conscious effort to go out of your way to praise her is…IMO, a form of manipulation. You might as well walk around with a sign that say….”look at me…I keep telling you how wonderful you are….even though you are with someone else”.
Honestly, you can be civil and nice….I just would not go out of my way to “praise her”

I see you are getting some good advice from that Jack3Beans dude….

[AndrewP]

ericmsant2 - yes - Jack is definitely the calm reasonable voice I need to hear here.

Thank you for stopping by - I'll address your questions quickly if I can.

Why and what purpose does it serve YOU to know if she is parading OM around?

I'm not going address this directly. The purpose in having my SIL watch her Facebook feed was a tool to keep me from doing it. I know that they are keeping watch over her and I trust them. That prevents me from using my own worries and protectiveness to hover and stress. It may not be the most orthodox way of detaching but to paraphrase MWD - do what works.

I could be wrong but I suspect that your W did not hold a gun to your head – hence you cut your family off. I guess my question is….why did YOU cut out your family. Not judging…just wondering…

There was some bad blood many years ago and W always made going to her family a priority. Mine was shunted aside. No gun was used but almost all events for my family she wouldn't go or we would suddenly have other plans. Time passes, we grew apart. Now I'm using the opportunity to reconnect and they've been fabulous.

How about living one day at a time and focusing on the moment. The faster that you can begin to do this..the faster things get a bit easier.

Doing my best and trying harder each day.

I just would not go out of my way to “praise her”

This came as a suggestion from another poster - doesn't really apply to me. We're non-contact and while I always had positive things to say about her to others I don't talk about her much to others and don't talk her down. She "is" (under normal circumstances) a wonderful person who I admire.

[Cld]

AndrewP,

I really hope that you have the courage, the strength and the integrity to remain a stander for the sake of your marriage and your kids.
Everybody else here is already dating after the divorce is finalized.
I am the only one who is 100% committed to the marriage "until death do us part" and to the children.
We can support each other during hard times and ultimately we will succeed, we only have to believe that we will.
Be prepared, she might start an Affair, she might act like a teenager and she might cause you all kinds of problems, this is common during MLC, but I put it that way and I am the only one who thinks this way here. My children do cause me problems as well, they disrespect me sometimes, they kick me and do the opposite of what I am asking them to do, now should I give up on them because of that? No way! And for the same reason I will never give up on their mother especially now that she seems to have this temporary mental illness called midlife crisis.
That's what Michele Weiner Davis says as well here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHvV55IpAxk

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Everybody else here is already dating after the divorce is finalized.
I am the only one who is 100% committed to the marriage "until death do us part" and to the children.

Dafaq are you talking about Willis?

Is English your first language? I ask because this would clear up some misunderstanding if it isn't.

If it is, then your confused misinformation should not be passed off as facts.

[Cld]

No english is not my first language, Jack, Italian is my first one.
Did I make a mistake?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

A little.

Not everyone here is dating after their divorce was finalized.

You ARE NOT the only one 100% committed to their marriage.

You are disparaging other posters here who went through hell and came through it better and come back here to help others get through this.

You are arrogant to think that you are the only one here committed to their marriage. This is so egotistical that it is obscene here. And dismissive of other people here as well.

This is a cocky attitude that your way is the only way...

You like statistics...

statistically speaking your attitude in this is going to sabotage your DBing efforts, that after 11 years of posting here and trying to help others.

Be a little bit more humble here for a start.

[Cld]

Jack please let me know which males have been waiting here for more than 3 years for instance and I will follow their thread.

[Cadet]

Jack please let me know which males have been waiting here for more than 3 years for instance and I will follow their thread.

Can I ask how many years are you going to wait?

FTR I have been here over 7 years and my ex is still in crisis.