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I totally agree w/Cadet 100%...you will treat her no differently than you would a WAS. As for responding to her on FB, i.e., private message, I would leave her alone and allow her to figure things out. Also, if you do post to her, leave the "love" out of your closing signature. They hate for us to say things like that in the MLC world.

I know you love her and want to help her, but you can't. This is her journey to take and while on her journey, it will give her the opportunity to face her issues, deal w/them and grow up.

MLC takes a very, very long time and in some cases, they don't come out of it. For now, keep the focus on you and your family and allow her to twirl in the wind. You didn't break her, therefore, you can't fix her.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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AndrewP Offline OP
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Thank you so much cadet and job.

Since this really makes no fundamental change to how I'll handle my sitch I'll go back to my regular thread but I will definitely go through the homework.

I was kind of hoping this would get me a shortcut to reconciliation but it looks like it may well be a long detour on a much rockier road than if she was just a regular WW. I'm glad too about the warning about time. "If" she does come back in the short term I'll have to be watching / worried about her for quite some time.

I honestly don't know if I'm strong enough for this. I'll have to think.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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You are always welcome to continue posting here. Unfortunately, there is no quick fix, magic pill or a "let's hurry this process up" when dealing w/someone in crisis. We, unfortunately are now on their time, which is very, very slow.

I would take my time in deciding whether you want to continue on your own journey while she's traveling hers. You can always move forward, leave the door ajar and live your life to the fullest. But, the bottom line is this...you need to ensure that your finances are taken care of, i.e., protected. This includes checking your credit history, as well as ensuring that your credit cards are not being used by her.

You are stronger than you think.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thanks job. I've been keeping an even closer eye on the finances since BD1 in March. I've always been careful with them and have plans in place. On the advice of my L and because I didn't want to be seen as pushing her out I've kept everything as is beyond opening a personal account of my own which I don't use. W has full visibility into all of our banking and books still and I know she checks from time to time what's going on. W has always had her own personal chequing/savings account that she used for "mad money". In the past all expenses and pay were done out of our joint accounts and W would save from her weekly pocket money or her bonus at work to populate her personal account.

One of the very non-script things that have been in my sitch is that W has been extremely careful to "not take advantage" of anything. Yes - she did some expensive car repairs just before she walked and bought some extra cleaning supplies but even during the height of the A she never used family finances in any way that could be considered inappropriate. Before she recently blocked me from seeing her personal account which only had a fairly small amount of money in it she wasn't spending out of there either. To the best of my knowledge she doesn't have her own separate credit card either. Even though she is now banking separately and opaquely she did do a single deposit a week or so ago to our joint account to cover "her share" of the mortgage payment. She said on the night before she moved out that she would pay her "fair share" of household expenses.

To further protect myself I've installed a (pretty crappy - cameras and alerts only) security system and advised W that it is there and offered her access to the monitoring app. She's not come back into the house for any of the things she's left behind even though she now lives about 3 blocks away and has had more than ample opportunity.

Thank you for the invitation to post further here. I may come back to this thread from time to time as I go through Cadet's homework this weekend and as my journey continues.

I've a post I'm composing for my main thread about my journey - feeling rather lost myself right now.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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Quote:

I really don't know if I'm strong enough.


You're stronger than you know, you will find out exactly how strong you are.

Quote:

My SIL support army was pushing me really hard yesterday to give up - "this has gone on too long", "she doesn't deserve you" etc etc.


Make it CLEAR to her that her advice is not what you need. You need her support in your decision, not in what she thinks you need or want.

How are you doing today?

I hope a few more posters come along to help you out sir.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Andrew,

Not everything that happens in MLC follows the script. Most but not all...

I am sorry that you find yourself going through this and I am sorry that your W is suffering so...

The hard part of all of this is that you can't fix her. Or anything about this for her.

I don't have an answer as to what to do about the FB posts other than it's probably best to leave it alone.

You have the strength to do this for as long as you want to...

One of my favorite people made the decision daily. If the day comes that your decision is different, it will be ok and because you are ready, not because someone else pushed you into it.

Friends and family want what they think is best for us. What will be easiest and what will ease the pain we seem to be in. They don't have to live with our decisions though.

Keep posting here. You will find the support you need through this.

And eventually, you will provide the support for others. Just sort of how it goes smile



"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
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First of all - the advice I am about to give you, may need to be modified if you yourself ever cheated on her earlier in the marriage.

Assuming that this is NOT the case, let me recommend the following:

Do you know anything about Aikido? In this form of martial arts, you use the momentum and body weight of your attacker to throw them. You don't push back, you roll with their attack and throw them over.

Remember playing tug-of-war as a child? If you suddenly drop the rope, what happens? The other side falls down.

So long as you are reassuring her that you are there waiting as her Plan B, she will feel this as pressure and will keep tugging on that rope. Try DROPPING THE ROPE instead.

Luckily for you, you ARE in a small village, so any changes you make will be visible to her. I recommend that you :

1) Focus on YOURSELF. You mentioned looking for a job - do you have one now? Is it a good one? If not, what do you have to do to get a good job? If she is attracted to this older man because of the promise of financial security, and if your episode of depression and unemployment was a factor in her MLC affair, fix your side of the street as best you can.

2) Go out and have fun. The WAS likes to think we are sitting there pining for them - don't give her the satisfaction! What have you always wanted to do or learn that you held back from? Go out and do it! Life is short, if you knew you had six months to live you would probably not spend it moping around about her. When my ex had his first affair, I started training to climb Mount Whitney - we were reconciled by the time of the climbing date and he went with me. When he finally left many years later - I took up playing the drums. I know he was completely perplexed at the idea of me playing the drums in a punk band - after all, he thought HE was the musician in the family because he could strum a handful of Neil Young tunes he learned in college on an acoustic guitar. Since then I've carved out a fun hobby for myself playing drums in a cover band and playing vibraphone and percussion for a friend who is a professional - I even played in her band at SXSW one year! Living well really IS the best revenge. smile

3) Focus on your kids. They will be totally confused by her antics right now and may even lash out at you (because you're the "safe" one - if they tell her what they think of her they might lose her.) Just be their rock, love and support them.

4) If finances allow, take a vacation. Be a little mysterious about where you're going, or with whom. If she presses for answers, remind her that she lost that privilege when she moved out.

5) Go out with friends. Don't date - if she DOES come back, she'll hold it over you forever, as hypocritical as that might be - but it's ok to let her think you MIGHT be in a position to date. The WAS seldom thinks about the possibility that the LBS might be desirable in the eyes of others - and sometimes it does snap them back into reality when they realize we're not waiting around for them.

6) Think dog training - reward the good behaviors, ignore the bad ones. If she contacts you in a friendly way, respond in kind. If she calls you up to spew, guess what? Your cell phone mysteriously drops the call - if she calls back, you tell her you must have hit a hole in the cell coverage. (After doing this a few times, my ex finally stopped spewing at me on the phone. Eventually I trained him to only communicate by email lol.)

7) Make plans for your life AS IF she is not going to return. Don't get me wrong - she very well may return. But waiting around on her for 2 years while she goes through this is wasting valuable years of life for you. Try to get out of "waiting" mode and into "Living" mode - that way, you will at least have had some adventures during that time she was in Lala land.

8)Painful as this all is, it is a unique opportunity to re-evaluate your life, your goals, your dreams - and remove whatever limitations you have been putting on yourself. Dream big. Create an exciting life for yourself that she will WANT to join you in.

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Jack / cat - thank you so much for stopping by. I'm spending most of my time on Newcomers so as to not mix threads up too much. I started out there back in April figuring that I had a standard WW but too many things didn't ring true which is why I swung by MLC to dip my toes.

Today - today was rough. I broke down multiple times at work even though it's been 6 months since BD. I have OK days and bad days and sometimes "really" bad days. I'm working on focusing on me and moving ahead. I'm seeing an IC who is some help but I don't see her often and she seems to spend more time rolling her eyes about W's antics than guiding me. I have hopes for a better session when I see her tomorrow morning.

All three of the SIL (from "my" side not W's) who have been supporting me have been fabulous. I've toned back what I share with them and we all are trying to focus on our own separate issues and getting healthier in our own way. I have them monitoring W's Facebook and listening for rumours because that puts a firewall between that and me. So far it's worked out OK and they assure me that they will let me know if anything significant happens like OM making a public appearance or her having a long string of crisis. It's been almost a week since I last checked W's Facebook activity - Go Me!

As you can tell I am very worried about W even now that I've taken even more focus off of her. Even before she left she would cycle through giddy highs and scary lows every few weeks. When she left she was on a "very" low low saying things like "It's all on me". She was having a lot of concentration problems, became forgetful and would lash out angrily all around her (except at me) when talking to me. I have no clue how she is around others but I've heard through the village grapevine that she is struggling at work which is a shock.

It's also been a surprise that she's abandoned the possessions she left behind even though she now lives 3 blocks away and can easily get them. She has more than enough to get by though but there are now about 10 boxes of things that I've stacked up in the front porch where she can't help but see them that would make her life easier if she in fact is permanently gone. She continues to not make any use of family finances even though they are completely open to her. I am mystified by her strong efforts to be "fair" and "not take advantage" which is contrary to every script I've read.

I believe - but can't know - that she is in fact near to decision point on which direction she will be taking in her life and it frustrates me to know end that she still has her enabling friends and OM around her while she decides this and not me.

Looking at her sitch "logically" she has no good choices at all. They all will result in some sort of trauma for her even if she chooses to come back home. I worry that she feels stuck and lost with nowhere to turn. I wish so much that I could reach out to her and let her know that I am here for her but from what I've read that would be very counter-productive.

So - I'm giving her room to make her own journey knowing that I'm not driving that bus and dreading which way it goes. Even if she does turn back towards me, will her MLC end when perimenopause finishes or will she cycle over and over again? I can't know.

Crumbs of hope are "very" welcome if there are any you can toss my way. Even knowing that MLC may be a long road, if she were back I could perhaps help her navigate that road as well (?)

BTW - a truly bizarre thing happened yesterday afternoon. When I got home the flower beds had been watered within about 1/2 of my arrival. W knows my schedule quite well and is about the only person who would know where the hose etc are. The fact that the beds didn't need water (I saw mushrooms growing) is also a conundrum. On the other hand it could have been a helpful neighbour too. Whoever it was didn't take the opportunity to enter the house. W knows that I installed security cameras in the house so that might have been a deterrent (?)

Thanks again.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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Thanks kml - a friend came by who has been having some challenges lately and wanted to chat and my previous post was in the buffer. He's had a major turnaround and wanted to share.

Originally Posted By: kml
First of all - the advice I am about to give you, may need to be modified if you yourself ever cheated on her earlier in the marriage.
Nope - absolutely never. I've adored her from the day we met and never looked outside even though she started pushing me to late last fall which I took as depression and insecurity. Just before BD1 (affair was a month or so old) she pushed "very" hard for me to find someone else using the "you could do better" and "I'm not good enough" lines.

Originally Posted By: kml

1) Focus on YOURSELF. You mentioned looking for a job - do you have one now?

I am quite successful and my W has made a point of being grateful for the sacrifices that I have made for the family. Job / work / success is very important to her both for me and for herself. For her, her job is a large part of her identity. My new job hunt was originally to to have a better work/life balance (at the cost of less money). The current opportunity (fingers crossed) does both. If it falls through I lose nothing though.

Originally Posted By: kml

2) Go out and have fun.
3) Focus on your kids.
4) If finances allow, take a vacation.
5) Go out with friends.
6) Think dog training
7) Make plans for your life AS IF she is not going to return.
8) Painful as this all is, it is a unique opportunity to re-evaluate

Doing my best here. W is currently NC with me as well but while she was still in the house I used to stop her in her spew and ask her what good things, what joy she was having? It didn't work all that well since she struggled to find joy and I got tired of pushing her on it. She should be aware that I'm acting as if she's not going to return but is probably still confident that she could if she so chooses. She "is" aware that there are conditions on that (slight slip in DBing philosophy there by me). I like to think that even though in-house separations are incredibly painful both for the LBS and the WAW/WW that in our case that she was able to see me better and see the better me before she left "to get away from the noise" and theoretically decide on her path. It's mind-reading of the worst sort but I do honestly feel that she was conflicted and torn about her choices when she left. Bizarrely she told me that she almost didn't leave when she did (despite having people and a new place arranged) because I had had a good day and she didn't want to ruin it.

It's interesting kml that you are the first one who picked up what I think is significant that we live in a small village which I think changes the dynamics a lot.

Thanks again for stopping by and your positive message.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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On your Newcomers thread you got a little upset about people constantly telling you what to do about Facebook.

Quote:

I have them monitoring W's Facebook and listening for rumours because that puts a firewall between that and me.


hrnmmm...not really putting up a firewall...more of an alert system which ignroes the mundane sort of "I like cats" memes.

I'm going to suggest that you don't use your SIL's to inform you of anything going on with your wife. Why? Do you like that feeling of your guts getting all twisted up? I don't recalling enjoying that at all.

You are most certainly allowed to have bad days even 6 months later. This is a long process, the idea is to take care of and better yourself in the process.

There is an old mantra around here; the only person you can control is you.

Quote:

I'm seeing an IC who is some help but I don't see her often and she seems to spend more time rolling her eyes about W's antics than guiding me. I have hopes for a better session when I see her tomorrow morning.


Well...stop talking about your damn wife with her. : )
Focus on you that is what the councillor is supposed to be focusing on. Helping you, not helping you figure out her. Otherwise your sort of wasting your time. Bitch about her here, that is what we are for.

You certainly worry a lot about your wife.
And that's really not productive...nothing is going to come from all that energy you are putting into it.

What are you doing for yourself, about yourself?
See because you can control that. You can do something about that.

Crumbs of hope?

I know what you are looking for. Success stories or strategy right?

They are here.

Spend some of that time instead of worrying and look around.

I know the definition of success you are looking for...right now. And they are there...however in time you'll realize that everyone posting to help others around here is a success, just maybe not in the way they first came here looking to be.

It gets better. You'll make great friends here. You'll become a better person.

And you will discover the depths of your strength, will, resolve and patience, far far greater than you ever knew yourself capable of.

Quote:

I wish so much that I could reach out to her and let her know that I am here for her but from what I've read that would be very counter-productive


I wish I had a pony...and to be honest if you used a wish for that I hope that someone would smack you when world peace would be such a much much better wish. : )

You will get through this, and you will be better for it, and maybe, just maybe your wife will suffer through her MLC and you'll still be there to help her put back her shattered life.

This ain't for cowards.

You don't strike me as a coward.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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