Focus on Me and my Boys 7

[J5K]

Old Thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2696795#Post2696795

[J5K]

Exchange days cause a lot of anxiety for me. I found a nice little book with 30 meditation quotes for healing. I will read one or two of those prior to meeting up with STBX to calm me and remind me that I am a good person and that I cannot control what she says and does.

[sandi2]

Is there no other person who could go in your place?

[J5K]

Sandi,

Unfortunately there is not.

I just kept thinking that I could save the M. I did not let go.

STBX would always criticize. I am damned if I do, I am damned if I don't. I treat her poorly by not speaking with her, then when I do, she does not want to talk.

As everyone has repeatedly told me here, fake it. That is what I am going to do. Whether she senses it or not will not make a difference anymore she wants the D.

No matter what I say it is wrong, if I take action, it is wrong, if I take no action, it is wrong with STBX.

Last week when we met she said that she did not care that the boys will have two parents that are D'd right in front of them. Shame on her for saying that, I disagreed and she did not care so I just need to get this whole thing over with so the boys can start having some sort of normal life.

There are 7 people that will hurt in some form or another through this whole ordeal. All because one person doesn't care enough about family to make them the priority.

[lt0402]

No matter what I say it is wrong, if I take action, it is wrong, if I take no action, it is wrong with STBX.

JK, I know how you feel on this. It's extremely frustrating being stuck in a problem that doesn't have a solution. Best you can do is just keep on showing ahead for you and your boys sanity.

Last week when we met she said that she did not care that the boys will have two parents that are D'd right in front of them. Shame on her for saying that, I disagreed and she did not care so I just need to get this whole thing over with so the boys can start having some sort of normal life.

That's a horrible thing for your W to say in front of the kids. May be that she was trying to bait you into overreacting by saying something so awful in such an inappropriate setting. Either way, I'm sorry your kids had to hear that. bleh...

There are 7 people that will hurt in some form or another through this whole ordeal. All because one person doesn't care enough about family to make them the priority.

Like you, I'm worried about the same thing with my D and us. Our Ws seem to think everything is rainbows and all problems disappear w/o us in the picture. They don't seem to grasp that their issues are also contributing to the problems. I find myself worried about my Ws issues continuing to be detrimental to D as we grind through this whole S and divorce thing too.

JK, you are a strong dude and are doing a good job of handling a very difficult situation. You should be proud of yourself and know we're here to support you!

[SH_]

I just kept thinking that I could save the M. I did not let go.

JK, I strongly encourage that you stop ruminating on this. Focus forward.

STBX would always criticize. I am damned if I do, I am damned if I don't. I treat her poorly by not speaking with her, then when I do, she does not want to talk.

WW behavior blah blah blah. Focus forward.

As everyone has repeatedly told me here, fake it. That is what I am going to do. Whether she senses it or not will not make a difference anymore she wants the D.

JK, faking it until you make it is NOT for her. It is for you. She wants a D. you get that now. Focus forward.

No matter what I say it is wrong, if I take action, it is wrong, if I take no action, it is wrong with STBX.

Did I mention WW behavior blah blah blah? Here is a thought.
If WW is wrong and everything she insinuates that you do is wrong, does that mean maybe you are wrong? Or is it right? 2 negatives make a positive? or a negative?
Lets just stick with FOCUS FORWARD!
You do what you think is right and WW be damned already.

Last week when we met she said that she did not care that the boys will have two parents that are D'd right in front of them. Shame on her for saying that, I disagreed and she did not care so I just need to get this whole thing over with so the boys can start having some sort of normal life.

WW wife behavior again. She does not care about anyone but herself JK. Seems like that is what everyone is shouting at you while you are running towards the wrong end zone.
And yes, as soon as you focus on you, you can help the boys have a "normal" life. This is Focusing forward.

There are 7 people that will hurt in some form or another through this whole ordeal. All because one person doesn't care enough about family to make them the priority.

JK, Focus forward. Stay in your lane.
It is very important that you start to look forward and rebuild.
Your rants here are starting to sound very much of a victim mentality and that is dangerous for your mental health and well being.
You can be a victor here. You have many things in your favor and you have shouldered a big responsibility, and you need to cut those damn puppet strings before you get strangled on them my friend.

Share some more posts of positive things happening. Or better yet, positive things that you are doing to overcome.
Minset is a powerful thing both for good and bad. Reading your posts can lend to the perception of things going bad.
Stop, take a breath, gather your team together (See my post on Cherrys thread for this)and regroup.
Why are you doing everything on your own?

I pray for you every day, and I am cringing more days than not from you updates and doing quite the opposite of so much good advice here.

Please find some peace today. I am praying for you my friend.
I really am.

[J5K]

LT and SH,

Thanks for the support. It is just frustrating for me because I always have a solution to every problem. No matter what the outcome. I guess this time the outcome is not what I want and have to accept it, even though I know there is a better solution. My perception vs. STBXs is quite the opposite.

I am not trying to sound like the victim. Yes kids are resilient but these boys need extra love and attention based on their history. No child should have to go through this.

Well the exchange went well. STBX brought MIL. I came out of the apartment with my video camera on, kept it on until she drove away. STBX rolled her eyes and mumbled something. We kept our distance and the boys went to play on the playground. Nice to have noise in the apartment again!

[SH_]

JK,

Google victim mentality.
I think at this stage you need a little wake up call so you can get focused forward.

It is defined that as having a belief that one is powerless or that they can not get what the want, lack of trust in others, not getting what one wants and that life is difficult.

Read what you wrote here and continue to write post after post.

It is just frustrating for me because I always have a solution to every problem. No matter what the outcome. I guess this time the outcome is not what I want and have to accept it, even though I know there is a better solution. My perception vs. STBXs is quite the opposite.

I am not trying to sound like the victim. Yes kids are resilient but these boys need extra love and attention based on their history. No child should have to go through this.

And this one

I just kept thinking that I could save the M. I did not let go.

STBX would always criticize. I am damned if I do, I am damned if I don't. I treat her poorly by not speaking with her, then when I do, she does not want to talk.

As everyone has repeatedly told me here, fake it. That is what I am going to do. Whether she senses it or not will not make a difference anymore she wants the D.

No matter what I say it is wrong, if I take action, it is wrong, if I take no action, it is wrong with STBX.

Last week when we met she said that she did not care that the boys will have two parents that are D'd right in front of them. Shame on her for saying that, I disagreed and she did not care so I just need to get this whole thing over with so the boys can start having some sort of normal life.

There are 7 people that will hurt in some form or another through this whole ordeal. All because one person doesn't care enough about family to make them the priority.

And this one

Sometimes I feel like just telling STBX, here, take everything, here is a diamond ring, the boys, let's just let the past go and become a family again. Talk to me, don't talk to me, just take everything you feel entitled to take.

JK,
I really encourage you to get in with an IC and discuss this. Victim mentalities are entrenched in a belief system and your posts from the beginning are all on the same track of things are just happening to you and all of your over analyzing is leading you to dead ends. You are bing perceived as if you have no control of anything that is happening to you or your boys.
I know that part of the process is to go through this, but I will say it again.
You need to work at changing the mindset if you are to come through healed and in a better place.
You can take care of those boys o matter their history. you are their father now and you can control you.

You are in my prayers.

[Mach1]

No matter what I say it is wrong, if I take action, it is wrong, if I take no action, it is wrong with STBX.

Did I mention WW behavior blah blah blah? Here is a thought.
If WW is wrong and everything she insinuates that you do is wrong, does that mean maybe you are wrong? Or is it right? 2 negatives make a positive? or a negative?
Lets just stick with FOCUS FORWARD!
You do what you think is right and WW be damned already.

Think about it this way...

There are three sides to every story..

There is yours, hers, and somewhere stuck deep in the middle, is where the truth lies...

What she feels and believes is HER truth, and no matter what you do, you will never change her truth for her....

Same as what YOU feel and believe is YOUR truth. Could she ever convince you that your truth is wrong ???

That is why it is imperative to know the difference, be totally honest with your shortcomings, own them, and live YOUR truth as you know it...


BTW....That whole post was pretty awesome SH....

I am not trying to sound like the victim. Yes kids are resilient but these boys need extra love and attention based on their history. No child should have to go through this.

Uhm...

Kids are NOT naturally resilient...

They become that way because of what they are shown during difficult times.

They learn from what they see, maybe even more than from what they hear...

Hence the phrase "actions speak louder than words"...

What they hear, they may believe, they may not, one day...

What they see ???

That's where you wanna be buddy....

[rich4j]

Love this quote...think of it JK with the boys:

"Remember that you are a memory-maker at a crucial time in your childrens lives....give them something to remember that they will respect, emulate and repeat with their children"

So it stinks about the D and maybe this is unforunately the thing they remember but how you try to act and conduct yourself is what they will probably take the snap shot of. I am trying to live this with my sitch too JK and its hard. Yours is one of the most stressful to read as I feel your pain with your STBX and juggling of that many kids. My D7 asked me the other day if mom asked me to leave and I had to bite my tongue for now and say we decided it was best for us to do this...it was our decision.

But be the memory maker and that they will take the snapshots of how you are...not your STBX!

[J5K]

Well it has been somewhat non eventful this week. Had to work from home on Tuesday and put the boys in daycare today. When I went to pick them up the daycare said they have no room for them the rest of the week. Luckily I found a friend to watch them for half a day tomorrow so I can go finish my project at work. At least in the afternoon I have conference calls and can work from home. Will probably take vacation days Friday and Monday.

Sent a witness list to Ls in case it is required.

S2 today wanted lots of hugs. Could not get him to go to sleep easily. Not sure what is up with him other than maybe he does not get enough touch and affection from his mom.

Boys told me they are still sleeping on the floor at their grandparents house and that S2 is in his high chair most of the day while mommy is doing work on her computer and they watch TV. This is typical on rainy days which they had last week for two days. I also found out that STBX is not giving them gummy vitamins. Boys remind me everyday when they are with me.
STBX can buy $600 US dollars in groceries for 2 weeks a month but can't buy gummy vitamins? I am sure her parents are buying the groceries and STBX is just trying to hoard money. Oh well.

Two nights, no call to the boys from STBX. Status quo.

At least boys and I are making the best of what we can in this little apartment.

[SH_]

What are you doing for you my friend?
What are you doing to heal and build up your fortitude to handle what is going on?

[Rose888]

I encourage you to not try to guess the cause of S2's neediness. Sometimes kids go through phases. Or maybe he just misses you.

Likewise, I wouldn't pay any attention to the lack of gummy vitamins. They're pretty much just sugar pills. Analysis of city sewage indicates that most vitamins just pass through without being absorbed.

You and your STBX have enough issues in your divorce. You don't want to cloud the real issues with conjecture or minor things.

[Rose888]

Just to clarify, I think S2 reportedly spending the whole day in his high chair is worth mentioning to the psychiatrist and your L.

[Ginger1]

Yup, there are certain things worth mentioning like the high chair thing. mentioning some gummy vitiamins will start looking petty and the serious stuff won't be taken as seriously.

I could imagine everything looks awful that she does at this point. But maybe sit down and look through your journal and point out those things that truly endanger your children rather than things that subjectively make one look like a neglectful parent" Don't cloud the serious stuff with the minor stuff.

(Rose, I always seem to come behind you sounding like a parrot, but you always seem to write exactly what I am thinking)

[rich4j]

JK-

At this phase I agree with most that you have to document the big stuff like spending the day in the highchair. Just document and move on...its a business transaction now unfortunately not a relationship discussion

My 2 cents on focusing on the STBX. I have gone thru this tunnel of doom with my STBX in trying to control and manage how she cared for my D7 in the past year. Now granted...it aint the gaggle of kids you have with 5! But after multiple discoussions with my therapist she got me to a place where I ONLY would focus on what I could control and that is what I do with D7. I would document anything I thought was not right with what I heard with her and D7, and move on.

Your STBX will continue to get under your skin, rile you up and just make life even more miserable with how she takes care of your kids. I know it kills ya but you can't change that.....what can change that is what the court says only that will move her to take better care of them

So focus on what you can control. Focus on you ....and focus on the boys. There isn't enough energy in the day to waste it on what she is doing or not doing. You will find some peace when you can get there...I did.

[Mach1]

Something else that I would like you to think about...

And I agree 100% with the others ^^^

This is something that I see BOTH of you doing, and maybe it's me, or maybe you just aren't there yet (which is understandable).

When I was going through my custody battle, it would have been easy to get down in the pit and sling mud, on an almost daily schedule.

I had to figure out which things were harmful to the kids, as opposed the things that were just....different from what I was doing.

Different doesn't always mean harmful, different just means that we would do it another way....

One of the things that I realized, is that I didn't want to have a good relationship with my children, if it meant that I destroyed their relationship with their mother.

I wanted them to have a good relationship with BOTH of us, and it was up to me, to control MY part, and it was up to me, to NOT be destructive to THEIR part.

A wise DBer from a few years ago, phrased it like...

Your job isn't to facilitate their relationship. Your job is to NOT damage their relationship..



Be the memory today, that you want them to have tomorrow...

[J5K]

Thank you everyone for the advice.

I agree, will not worry about the small stuff. I just journal it here is all.

Took the boys to a new park yesterday they had a blast.

Found out from my L that we are going to court next Tuesday even though we have not gone through mediation for assets and have no formal response from psychologist.

STBX is pushing to get this done and get the boys before the school year starts which then she will have to decide if she comes back to do the 2/2/5 schedule with the boys.

S6 also told me yesterday that STBX says dad is trying to take all the money. I just told the boys that we both love them and not to worry about those things, mommy and daddy will work out the adult stuff.

[lt0402]

JK, that's a perfect response to your S6. Keep your head up and keep moving forward bud!

[Painter]

Jim, great answer to your S.

I am surprised that you're going to court so soon. How does your L feel about that? Is this a motion from WAW to hear a particular issue?

Please keep giving your children vitamins. Rose is a wonderful poster, but I have special knowledge in this area and I know there's false rumors posted online that sewers are full of undigested vitamins. That is (fortunately) completely false. I would suggest one that doesn't have artificial colors or flavors in it. I'd also make sure they get enough EFAs and vitamin D. The body needs nutritional support especially in times of stress.

You could always ask WAS if she will give them the vitamins if you supply enough for them when they are with her. If she says no, you just say 'okay' and keep giving it to them on your time. Just be prepared to let it go immediately.

[Painter]

I wonder if WAS is going to try to use your uncertain child care situation against you? I hope your L will be able to prove that she is the one who put you in that situation with her groundless accusations against the previous sitter.

[J5K]

Thank you lt and Painter

Painter

L says we have not heard back from the psychologist and we have not gone to mediation. L feels the same way I do, STBX wants to put the boys in school in Canada and that is why the date still stands. STBX and her L do not want to push the date back and have the boys start school here.

STBX still owes my L a response to questions from a letter of admission that we sent her. That is due on the 28th. STBX is trying to hide the new house as marital property, the bank account she has that gets part of the boys subsidy money, and her moral fitness.

[J5K]

STBX calls and speaks with the boys just now, first time since the last exchange. We talk on the phone about an issue that came up at my sister's. I told her I addressed it immediately as the comments my sister made bothered S7. STBX says she understood this is hard on the families. She had a calm voice and so did I. She asked where we were meeting for the exchange tomorrow and I stated the apartment at 5. She said OK. We were cordial.

The weekend has been fun with the boys. Took them to a big park twice and my sisters house. Going to a festival this afternoon.

[Phoebe]

Cordial sounds like a major improvement, JK.

Calm, cool, and collected is certainly the best way to approach the most important "C" - communication. I'm glad to hear that you were able to communicate better.

I'm way behind on what's going on in your world, but I wanted to stop by and say hello.

((((((((((JimKao))))))))))

[Rose888]

Jim, it's so nice to hear about a calm, cool conversation. Well done!

[J5K]

Thank you Phoebe and Rose!

I am so numb to everything now. Seems like this is a recurring thing with STBX though, she sounds sweet right as she is about to drop the next hammer on me. We will see what happens on Tuesday.

S6 had a rough day today. I put him to bed early. I asked him what was wrong and he said he missed mom. She did not call all week and called at lunch today to talk to the boys. I told S6 everything will be ok, and that mommy will see him tomorrow and that we both love him very much. I asked him if he needed a hug and he said yes. I hugged him for 5 minutes and told him he can come to me for a hug any time he wants.

[J5K]

So exchange went ok. Car died a mile feom the apartment. So I had to take the boys in the van and traded with STBX and MIL. They thanked me for coming to get the car. Was able to get it started and drive it to dealership. They thunk I need a new engine. Blown tie rod. STBX does not want to put any money into the car. Told her I agree so I guess we will see what is wrong with it tomorrow.

Friend is coming to pick me up and I get to borrow my mom's car. STBX at least asked how I was getting home and of I had transportation for tomorrow. Told her I had everything lined up. Her response was that's great.

Psychologist also called me today amd asked a few more questions to finish up report.

At least today was somewhat drama free.

[J5K]

Court was quick today. Only there an hour. Ls went in front of the clerk and gave update on status for psych eval and mediation.
New dates were set for completion of mediation and trial.
Clerk went to STBX's L and STBX and explained some stuff I could not hear. All I heard was STBX say this is insane. I looked back once and she gave me a look like how/why are you doing this.

My L also requested an independent medical exam for STBX because she is stating she cannot work a full time job.

My L also said expect a motion from STBX and her L next week to take the kids to Canada to start school.

L also did some research on STBX's lawyer stating that she has a reputation to lie a lot in court. STBX's L was also cutting off my L in conversations and it was a little heated. Somewhat embarrassing for STBX's L. Lots of bullying going on from STBX and her L.

Clerk went to update judge a few times during this event and we did not even present anything in front of the judge.

[rich4j]

Stressful! Sorry you have to go thru this all

So why is your STBX claiming she can't work a full time job? Holy princess. She may want to start a pact with my STBX called the pampered prima dona's who need to get with reality club.

[RAI]

Hi JK,

There are a lot of similarities in our sitchs. One major difference is that you are no longer living with your WW, while I am. That aside, your W sounds very similar to my W. She seems to have given up on parenting and has become absorbed in her own little world. It seems like your MIL is empowering her as well (just like mine). It is kind of eerie how they are following the same script. Every court communication or conference rips me to shreds. I have seen a lot on these boards, and I think your sitch most resembles mine currently.

Because of the similarities in our sitch, I know you are finding it hard to take your focus off everything your W is doing. Nevertheless, for your health, you need to start focusing more on JK. What are you doing for you? One of the other posters (I think it was MACH) said that the children are forming memories of you and you want those to be good memories (or something to that effect). There is a very sad tone in your thread. You cannot choose your circumstances, but you can choose your response to your circumstances.

SH_ has a gratitude thread. I highly recommend you visit (if you have not already) and find some things for which to be grateful. It helped me to do this. I still have my days - today is one of them, but they are less intense. There will be many days of distress ahead, but just keep putting one foot in front of the other and work on YOU.

Best,

RAI

[J5K]

Rich,

She is using her ulcerative colitis as an excuse that she cannot work. I was able to find her resume and sent it to my L. STBX keeps saying she is not well and cannot work. All excuses.

RAI,

Thank you for posting. I will be honest I have not read your sitch in detail but will this week. I did have positive memories this past week with the boys. Took some pictures of the things we did, park, evenings with cousins, festival.

I need to learn to block the negative side of my thinking when STBX is not with us. Maybe it is an excuse I am making in my head that the boys are hurting and I hurt for them.

One of my S6's said I don't smile enough. He said mom smiles all the time. I need to figure out how to hide my emotions from the boys more and just have fun with them.

[PsySara]

Do three things when the wave of pain hits.

1 thing you see

1 thing you feel

1 thing you smell

I've been doin this lately when recalling my WH's horrible betrayal and it has helped IMMENSELY with resetting my brain. I also have been making myself watch comedians on YouTube and cracking up. I think I am reaching detachment and truly I smile more often. My WH even noticed it lately and commented on it.

[RAI]

I need to learn to block the negative side of my thinking when STBX is not with us. Maybe it is an excuse I am making in my head that the boys are hurting and I hurt for them.

One of my S6's said I don't smile enough. He said mom smiles all the time. I need to figure out how to hide my emotions from the boys more and just have fun with them.

I won't lie, I have the same problem. But it is always easier to counsel others than ourselves. So here goes:

Kids are human lie detectors. You can't fake it with them or hide your emotions. Deep down, they know you are troubled. I thought I was doing a fabulous job, but my son told me that he finds it awkward when W and I are in the same room together and is looking forward to when we are no longer in the same home. Ughh. Here are some points that have helped me a bit (warning: emotional nudity coming up):

1) Who says you need to hide your emotions more from the boys? Another poster once reminded me that it is OK to feel sad sometimes and for the children to see this. You are going through a sad time. You children need to see that their father is human and can express the whole range of human emotions with maturity and poise. It's ok to be sad sometimes, lest they think you are cold-hearted and don't really care. Of course, don't go overboard and make them feel like your therapist. But you get the point: Real men are sad sometimes. This should take some of the pressure off you.

2) Parental alienation syndrome is a disorder in which one subtly indoctrinates their children against the other parent. Is it possible that the reason you focus on your Ws actions stems from a subconscious drive to hurt your W by alienating her from the children? You express disappointment in your Ws behavior. We all do. But do you secretly want your children to hate her? Do you sometimes wish you could tell your children all the terrible things your W has done, or is doing? I know I do. All the time. BUT... it would not be good for the children. Your W may be trying to "turn the kids against you", but that is not your concern. You need to focus instead on being the best Dad. Just an awareness of this behavior/phenomenon can help.

3) If you can't fake happiness, you will just have to be happier. How does one achieve happiness? I alluded to it in my last post. Happiness is a choice. When one is unhappy, one is actually rejecting their lot in life: We say, "This was not how my life was supposed to be". But in truth, no one's life turns out exactly as they expected. We need to shed this false expectation that we know what tomorrow will bring. We don't. So, instead we have to be happy with our lot TODAY. How to do this? Think of all the things for which you are grateful TODAY. I have a friend who just lost an 11-year old son. I think many/all of us would willingly choose our current sitch instead of losing a child. Pain only causes suffering when there is no meaning. For instance, we are willing to endure muscle soreness after a workout because we know it makes us bigger stronger - that is meaning. You are working out your "Struggle muscles". You don't know when you will next be called upon to use these muscles, but when you are, you'll be ready. No experience in life is a waste of time. If you become a skilled practitioner of gratitude, you will come away richer and happier from the experience. I am grateful that SH_ has the gratitude thread . I have been posting in my own thread, but I hope to post there soon.

The above are things that I struggle with. I hope you find it helpful to know that you are not alone in these feelings.

Best of luck JK,

RAI

[rich4j]

RAI- awesome post...#3...need to embrace it.

JK- I love what he posted and as I have said before you cant control your W and should focus the energy elsewhere

[SH_]

RAI- awesome post...#3...need to embrace it.

JK- I love what he posted and as I have said before you cant control your W and should focus the energy elsewhere

I second this. (and not just cuz RAI promoted the gratitude thread, but because each point he makes is spot on.)
We control ourself, not that which is around us.
We control our emotions with a decision.
Don't misunderstand this.
Feelings and emotions are not the same.
Feelings are the sensation that our brain triggers our body to feel.
Emotions are the labels we give these feelings.
The issue is, we confuse the labels to often and then our brain mixes the triggers up.
Happiness is not a feeling so much as it is a choice.
Philosophers have been saying this for centuries.
Psychology has been theorizing this for decades.
Scientific studies of the brain are proving this today.
Buddhist monks have been spot on for a long time on the how.
We need to start learning and exercising this so it becomes a way of life.


Anyway, my point is RAI has provided some great thoughts here.
Read and re read and put into action what he shares.
Golden information.

[J5K]

Found out that the engine replacement on the car will be free. Manufacturer is covering the costs. Won't be ready until next week though.

So here is my question. Do I update STBX and tell her that the car will not be ready for the exchange on Monday and she will have to find a ride back to Toronto after she drops off the boys? That will mean MIL or FIL will have to drive also to take STBX back.

[doodler]

So here is my question. Do I update STBX and tell her that the car will not be ready for the exchange on Monday and she will have to find a ride back to Toronto after she drops off the boys? That will mean MIL or FIL will have to drive also to take STBX back.

JimKao,

What works best for you and the children?

[SH_]

So here is my question. Do I update STBX and tell her that the car will not be ready for the exchange on Monday and she will have to find a ride back to Toronto after she drops off the boys? That will mean MIL or FIL will have to drive also to take STBX back.

JimKao,

What works best for you and the children?

JK, what would you do if she was your nanny?
This approach will help you remove some emotional attachment and thoughts so you can make a sound decision and proceed.

[J5K]

I am working. STBX does not, neither does FIL, so he can drive down with her and take her back to Toronto. The other option is I get a rental car, but I do not want to do that and spend more money (It's not about the money anymore). Even though STBX does not love me anymore, I would help out a friend if they needed it. I am sure that is what STBX will ask me to do.

If it were my nanny I would possibly help out by getting her a rental also so I guess that is what I will do.

[mvgfwd2]

If you tell her that the car won't be ready then expect her to suggest alternatives. Something like: "then I will keep the boys until it's ready" or "why don't I just take the van back" etc. If you inform her then be prepared for possible responses. Also, if you choose to not inform her be prepare for that reaction too.

Did you obligate yourself to taking care of the car for her? If so, I would think you should inform her. An alternative may be to give her the contact info for the auto shop so she can deal with her arrangements herself. Maybe they have a loaner car available. Depends on what expectation you gave her.

[J5K]

I did not give her any expectations. She expects me to take care of these things because I am the man and these are a man's responsibilities.

When she called and said she broke down last week she expected me to take care of fixing the car. I did. If I would have said no, she would have been furious.

Even though I am not her H anymore, I am expected to take care of things. Her job is to only be a mom with the boys.

[DonH]

That may be the case according to her f'd up world. However, she has fired you as the man. Therefore it's no longer your responsibility. That's part of what it means to fire the man taking care of you. I'm concerned that you would do the same for a Nannie or other friend. Why is all of this your responsibility? I don't get that thinking.

[bigybiz]

I don't disagree entirely with everyone - but I do understand how you do feel that some of it is your responsibility. You want to ensure your children are safely transported back and forth. You do currently share vehicles back and forth so part of it is your concern. We get it.

Good ideas here:

Let W know that the repairs will be done on xday. Perhaps build in a buffer in case repairs are not done in time.

As a result the switch day should be altered for that reason alone. You can present a plan to make up the "lost" days.

Tell W she needs to arrange a ride (e.g. MIL,FIL)

Or she can come up with her own solution

When she complains this is a problem - tell her it's been a hassle for you as well. You've lost time dealing with this problem on both of your behalf's - so she will need to undertake some inconvenience as well.

[Painter]

I did not give her any expectations. She expects me to take care of these things because I am the man and these are a man's responsibilities.

When she called and said she broke down last week she expected me to take care of fixing the car. I did. If I would have said no, she would have been furious.

Even though I am not her H anymore, I am expected to take care of things. Her job is to only be a mom with the boys.

I get helping each other out. However, she had sabotaged you by making false accusations against your child care person so you had to find someone new, she had threatened to have you beat up by OM, she tries to make the kids lie about you, so she is not someone you need to help.

You know that, you even write it so it's obvious how unreasonable she is.

Stop being a doormat. No, you're not 'the man', she has made it clear she has moved on.

WH wanted to continue to have sex with me after it was decided to S, because 'we were still married'. Meanwhile, he was planning for his mistress to move in. What would you have told me if I had gone along with that?

[Rose888]

I would tell her the good news is the repair is under warranty, but the shop says the car won't be ready by the exchange day. Give her the phone number at the shop, so she can hear it from them directly. If she wants to go psycho on them to try to get it done faster, she can try.

As an adult, she can choose to ask her dad to drive down with her and take her back, or she can rent a car herself, or she can rent a hotel room to wait for the car. But do let her know the situation so she can make a plan.

I can see renting a car for the nanny, if your contract said you were providing transportation.

I would not rent a car for a woman who treats you like your wife treats you. Nor would I change the exchange date.

[J5K]

Thank you all for the feedback. I will get the details from the dealership and update her so she can make her own arrangements.

[J5K]

Well dealership said engine is on back order, won't be in until 2nd week of september, so will have to get a rental car. Since I am borrowing my mom's car I will have to take that back this weekend after I get the rental today.

[RAI]

JK,

Have you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" yet. I can't be the first person to ask you this. Surely someone has suggested it, no?

Not only are you allowing W to eat cake, but you are further enabling her behavior. It is time for her to wear big girl pants and start taking responsibility. You can't have all the joys of waywardness, without the responsibility of being on your own. I know it is easier to say than to do, but don't let fear (of consequences) be the motivation for your decisions.

Best,

RAI

[Mach1]

I did not give her any expectations. She expects me to take care of these things because I am the man and these are a man's responsibilities.

I get what you are saying...

I am just trying to understand the "why" of it all...

Didn't she "fire" you from that position ?

When she called and said she broke down last week she expected me to take care of fixing the car. I did. If I would have said no, she would have been furious.

Sooo...you mean that she would have had to face the circumstances of her decisions, not liked them, and would be forced to deal with things as an adult ?


How dare you...

: )

Even though I am not her H anymore, I am expected to take care of things. Her job is to only be a mom with the boys.

You don't really believe this do you ?

I CAN tell you that no single event, will either make or break the strings that are still holding you together...

No one thing, will hinder or help your goal of reconciliation....

No ONE thing, will change the outcome of this...

Stay true to who YOU are...



So seriously....did you think that she was gonna change if she saw you rescuing her ?

[J5K]

RAI,

Yes, I have read the book. Maybe I should have stated things another way. Both STBX and I need the car since we exchange. I can't control whether she chooses to fix it or not. So I had to take action so I had a means of transportation during the week and so that I can get the van back when we exchange again next week. Is it fair, no, it is what it is and it is not worth my time to criticize her for not taking the car in to get fixed when she had it.

Mach1,

She is a princess, her job is a SAHM in her eyes. I probably should set a boundary next time an issue like this comes up.

Yes, well MIL was with her and apparently neither one of them knows how to call a tow truck service.

I do not believe it. In her mind, she has moved on and lives her life in Toronto. What that is I don't know. Not mine to worry about. I took action to fix the car and get the rental because I need to get to work somehow. Even though I am doing 100% of the work in this instance and I own 50% of the responsibility, I need to be able to have the van back next week when I have the boys so there will be times that I will have to do more than my share to keep a stable environment whether I am M or not. Probably a lot less when I am D.

I know she would not change. She just thanked me for picking up the car to get it fixed and I just said your welcome. Left it at that. She believes she is doing all the work since she is driving back and forth.

[J5K]

Oh yeah, one more thing. When I spoke to the boys yesterday S4 said that they had a visitor. Not sure if the visitor was male or female. I texted Ls about this because we have an agreement between the Ls that the boys are not to be exposed to any single males when with her and no single females with me during the D process.

[mvgfwd2]

It seems you need to think about trading the car in for a van so you have 2 vehicles that are capable to carry all the boys. And you take care of them separately. That day is coming soon anyway.

[RAI]

I agree. you will need separate cars at some point. In the meantime, can you ask her to contribute towards the cost of the rental? I don't think that is unreasonable. Although, my WW is also a SAHM and is so entitled. She acts like she is already doing all the heavy lifting, when in reality she is not. Unreasonable. I get it.

RAI

[J5K]

Unfortunately, non of the assets can get split until the D is complete. Dealership gave me a rental car, so I am all set.

RAI, my STBX thinks she is doing all the heavy lifting also.
Still reading your thread. I wanted to ask how old are your kids?

[SH_]

Unfortunately, non of the assets can get split until the D is complete. Dealership gave me a rental car, so I am all set.

RAI, my STBX thinks she is doing all the heavy lifting also.
Still reading your thread. I wanted to ask how old are your kids?

JK

Food for thought with this simple post.
It is very much the flavor of most of your threads.
Your response is that of a victim mentality that I have spoken of with you.
You are taking a stance that you have no control of what is happening to you.
You have a very " stock" response to so much of the advice shared with you.
That "stock" response is that you can do nothing about a situation until the d goes through.
Think about it.
Are you of the belief that the court system is going to determine everything for you?

What does splitting assets have to do with obtaining a second vehicle that is capable of transporting your children so you do not need to trade with WW each time?
Once the assets are split and one of you gets the car that you are trading back and forth, how will that work? If they are split, not sure you will be trading, correct?

You asked the community advice for your car situation.
Much advice was given.
You made your own choice aside from the advice.
The choice appears to be one of least resistance and almost entirely the Choice of avoidance of WW.


And so what if your stbx " thinks" she is doing the heavy lifting.
How about setting in place a plan that is indeed fair of a balanced responsibility and she takes on what she needs to do and you take on what you need to do so, regardless of what she "thinks", then all is in balance.

Now if ever there was a time that there are choices you have control of, you should make them.
Or, are you still making decisions in fear of her reactions!
If that is the case, why are you still deciding based on fear?
Do you understand the term " doormat" that is used here so frequently?
Have you studied with vigor the knowledge that sandi2 has shared with lbh for so many years?

My friend, change starts with making a decision, and then taking an action.
When will you start the change?

[J5K]

JK

Food for thought with this simple post.
It is very much the flavor of most of your threads.
Your response is that of a victim mentality that I have spoken of with you.

I am sorry you feel that way. I do not want this D so I am not doing anything to help STBX with it.

You are taking a stance that you have no control of what is happening to you.

I have control of my actions. If STBX chooses not to fix the car, someone had to do it. Yes, based on others feedback, I should have suggested she take it in for service.

You have a very " stock" response to so much of the advice shared with you.
That "stock" response is that you can do nothing about a situation until the d goes through.
Think about it.
Are you of the belief that the court system is going to determine everything for you?

Yes, STBX and I are in disagreement about two major items. Custody and house in Canada. My L says this is a marathon. L and I only react to actions STBX takes with respect to D.
I have all the documentation and paper trail for the house in Canada. Mediation date is set. Custody eval is coming back this week.

What does splitting assets have to do with obtaining a second vehicle that is capable of transporting your children so you do not need to trade with WW each time?

No money to buy another vehicle. We are literally broke.
STBX said she does not want either vehicle. I said OK. She also said she does not have money to buy another vehicle. I said I understood. I am not going to agree to splitting up the equity from the house at this time because she chooses not to get a job so she can go buy a car. If my IL's can gift her a house, why can't they buy her a car. I would never ask STBX that question, but there are other things she can do if she wants to get a car now so we each have our own vehicles. She can always pay her parent's back after the D is over for the car.

Once the assets are split and one of you gets the car that you are trading back and forth, how will that work? If they are split, not sure you will be trading, correct?

Correct, we each take what we get from the split and live our own lives and buy our own things. Psychologist said that if we are living in separate cities, the parent with primary custody would be responsible for taking the boys for visitations with the other parent. I have no issue with that.

You asked the community advice for your car situation.
Much advice was given.
You made your own choice aside from the advice.
The choice appears to be one of least resistance and almost entirely the Choice of avoidance of WW.

Last time we had to get the car fixed I suggested she take it to the dealership to get fixed. STBX took it to a place in Canada and changed the brakes. Two months ago she mentioned that she heard more noises on the car. I suggested to her that she take it to the dealership again. She did not, she wanted to sell it as is. She wanted me to put it up for sale here in the States. So the car broke down two months later and since she was not going to do anything about it, I had no choice. The only thing I can do is suggest again to her that she take it in next time.

And so what if your stbx " thinks" she is doing the heavy lifting.
How about setting in place a plan that is indeed fair of a balanced responsibility and she takes on what she needs to do and you take on what you need to do so, regardless of what she "thinks", then all is in balance.

Agree all that is spew and BS. She does not want fair and balanced responsibility. I have tried to have these talks with her and she refuses. So we are both NC.

There is no balanced plan with her. She does not want 50/50 custody in Michigan and I do not want to move to Toronto if we are not going to be M.

Now if ever there was a time that there are choices you have control of, you should make them.
Or, are you still making decisions in fear of her reactions!
If that is the case, why are you still deciding based on fear?
Do you understand the term " doormat" that is used here so frequently?
Have you studied with vigor the knowledge that sandi2 has shared with lbh for so many years?

My friend, change starts with making a decision, and then taking an action.
When will you start the change?

I have been changing. I go to IC, I read books, I meet up with friends, I take the boys to parks, play with them, watch TV with them. I visit with family with and without the boys, I work out, take care of the house, pay bills.

Not sure what else you expect me to do?

I know I will be fine without her and life will go on. My PMA is getting better every day thanks to the support of friends and family and the people on this board.

I will be firm with STBX when I need to be. I am not going to argue about the small stuff with her. Not worth my time and energy.

STBX likes to tell not only me what to do, but the rest of her family also. I have noticed this all through my M. This whole D has not only caused tension between the 7 of us, it has caused tension with her immediate family. Not my problem, I get it, just stating that a person with a sense of entitlement wreaks havoc on more people than just the two going through a D.

[Painter]

Psychologist said that if we are living in separate cities, the parent with primary custody would be responsible for taking the boys for visitations with the other parent.

This is not correct. Normally, the parent who moves is responsible for the majority of transportation, or an agreement is made. It's fine not to argue this point with the P, but the L is the only person who can tell you what the norm is in your state, and I think the P is going outside their area of competence to make a statement like that. Maybe it was to see what you are willing to do...

[Rose888]

And regardless of who is responsible for transportation during the exchange, both parents need a vehicle capable of holding all five kids legally.

[J5K]

Just journaling:

I walked for 72 minutes today and passed my daily step goal. I feel great. I hate working out so my new plan is to do a few reps with weights multiple times a day. It will make me feel good and curb my desire to smoke.

The walk alone has made me feel positive and happy.

Called my uncle and meeting up for breakfast.

[Painter]

What a great start to your day!

[J5K]

Just journaling:

I had a great day today!

Started out with my walk.

I went to my uncle's restaurant. Helped him fix a smoker that was not getting power. Spent 3 hours visiting with him, and three other friends of my father and uncle. My father joined a little later. It was great to see all of them together. They have all known me since I was a baby. My dad used to take me to breakfast with him when I was a kid and the men would gossip about everything under the sun. I found it amusing since this is the first time I experienced this scenario in years.

I did some small errands after that and then work around the house.

STBX texted me wanting to know status of the car. I did not text back since I was busy visiting with family and friends and was working on other things. She sent another text 8 hrs later a split second before I was going to respond to her first text.
I gave her the update and she did not respond. She then texted a few minutes later saying that she will have the boys call me shortly. I replied with a thank you. I spoke to the boys and then she actually spoke with me on the phone to confirm she can take the rental car over the border and I politely said yes. I was in a good mood when I was speaking with her. It actually sounded like one of those good quick conversations she and I used to have.

RAI,

I know you are big into music. Over the weekend I turned on the radio a few times and guess what, the theme song for me is Adele's - Send my love (to your new lover). I don't know what it is about that song...maybe it is because it is upbeat, when I hear it I start dancing in the car and singing. It gives me a feeling that I will be ok in the future!

[RAI]

Heh! My kids were singing it the other day. My wife sometimes sings songs right out of the DB songbook. They obviously pay little mind to the lyrics. I also find myself humming so many songs from the DB songbook. Needless to say, my W and kids have no clue how much these songs resonate with me. I sometimes feel like I am talking to them in code and I wonder whether they will ever crack the code and one day figure out everything I felt during this period of my life. Music is a pretty benign way to capture this period of my life for posterity. I have no doubt that one day I will hear these songs and they will remind me of my finest hour.

I am glad you had a great day. The goal at this point is to be civil and it seems like you are achieving this, no? I also had a great day yesterday. I was at a BBQ with kids. Someone else in my community approached me and pledged support. I am on my own two feet, but it is nice to get support from time to time. She recounted to me how she told off my W. I don't condone that behavior, but I'll admit, a truth dart every now and again feels good. OMs xW told me that I look spectacular. I would much rather be moving up (the sky is the limit for me) than falling down (WW is heading for rock bottom).

Best,

RAI

[J5K]

RAI,

I don't listen to the radio much because I would get too emotional with certain songs. I can understand your point on how that song makes you feel and yet the rest of the family has no idea the affect it has on you.

I would not say that STBX and I are civil, although I can feel myself detaching a little more everyday. I prefer to just text with her from now on, it keeps me from getting anxious and keeps me out of episodes she and I had a few weeks ago.

She stated months ago that she is no longer seeing OM but is friends with him on FB. Out of all the OMs she has gone out on dates with he is the only one she friended that I can tell. Yes, used to snoop, have not in a few months though. I am not sure I even want to know how many guys she has "dated".

Exchange went well with the boys today. STBX brought MIL again, MIL did not acknowledge me or look at me. STBX has this real paranoia that I would do something to harm her. I am done talking. Unless she initiates a conversation after I speak with the boys, there is no talking between her and I and as short as those conversations are they are civil.

So today I get info from L to prep for deposition. STBX is saying that I excessively spend. Wants all records for daycare, bank statements, blah blah blah. Also wants to know how I clock my hours at work and if I use flex time, blah blah blah (Her POV is that I am going to lose my job because I have left early from work to take care of the kids blah blah blah...)

I have already submitted most of this info once, guess I will have to do it again.

Excessive spending is a relative term. Who knows what she will argue...no Starbucks coffee for me but it is OK for STBX to use MIL/FILs money, my money and OM's money for her to live. F it, that is her issue.

Also received a call from the CPS rep who came about the babysitter issue. He is closing the case. He stated that he actually called CPS in Canada and had them check out STBX/MIL/FIL's home to make sure the boys were safe there.
Apparently the visit was this past Wed or Thurs.

I asked the boys if they are still sleeping on the floor when the got back today, turns out S6 and S4 are now in STBX's bed and STBX is sleeping on the couch in the basement. Did not expect to hear that.

All I can say is September is going to be a busy month wrt to this D. Boys start school next week, not sure if STBX is coming back to co-parent here while they are in school, STBX will have medical exam to take, depositions and mediation left to complete. I feel like there is about a 0.00001% chance that STBX will be remorseful and would even consider reconciling. Doesn't even matter much anymore, I just need to keep doing what I do.

RAI,

I also wanted to say I am glad you received a complement. I wish I could agree or disagree with the last part of the statement, not sure that a WAS does hit rock bottom. I would sure like to think that each one would, but no one will ever know if they do. Some come back to reconcile, some repeat the cycle in their next are and some are somewhere in the middle of those two extremes.

[SH_]

JimKao,

Your recent posts have a sense of a better PMA and calm for you.
This is good to hear and see.
You are taking very sound steps to ground yourself and strengthen your resolve for coming out of everything in a better place.
Keep it up my friend.

JK

Food for thought with this simple post.
It is very much the flavor of most of your threads.
Your response is that of a victim mentality that I have spoken of with you.

I am sorry you feel that way. I do not want this D so I am not doing anything to help STBX with it.

To be clear, I do not feel this way, nor am I placing any feelings into the thoughts and feedback that I share and try to follow myself.
We have learned that feeling are fleeting, change regularly and are not to be trusted.
When I share thoughts and observations, they are simply from the picture and information at hand.
I know that in this community, that picture is often times short of many more details, as well as the details shared are very one sided and from the perspective of one person.
So that is what I focus on.
I make my observation from a pattern and trend, and that is where I share my feedback to you from.
Your posts have a very common theme and pattern.
Please know that I do not judge, not condemn based on this.
I hope only to point out an opportunity to step back and ponder on what I share.

My observation of the "victim mentality" is from your pattern of information and postings here.
I know that the term "victim mentality" can have negative connotation, but my review of this, it is more of a pattern of unhealthy habits that we create over time.
Identifying this type of thinking and taking action can change this.
Please, look it up and review it.
Then it will be up to you to look in the mirror and determine if you have any habits that you can work on to overcome the mentality.

We know that you do not want a D. We know that you choose to not help STBX with it.
This is advice many of us have received and I agree with it.
It is the approach that I would challenge if not done in a healthy manner for the LBS, the WS, or the potential for a future MR.

This is what I observe.
You state that you do not want the d and do not want to help.
Reading your threads I observe this,

"I don't want a D, so I will kick and scream and fight it, and all the bad stuff that happens is because of the WW and what she is doing. I can't do anything about it because she will cause a scene and harm to me and because the lawyers and psychologists all have the power and will make the decisions. This way I don't have to take any of the fallout when she gets mad, but I will take the fallout because she will take it out on me regardless. I continue to seek out thoughts and ideas form others because I don't know what to do, but I will shoot sown those ideas, because of all that I have stated here, and I can only take the highroad because that is what I normally do anyway. I do not have any say in these matters."

Can you see how there is no power in this paragraph?
Can you see how this paragraph mirrors much of what is contained in your threads here?
Would you seek out the term "victim mentality", study it, ponder it, look in the mirror and be as honest as you can be?
You may find opportunities to take back some power for yourself and change some habits, that you may not have even realized have taken over in your approach to things.

The approach should be that of respect, love and in the spirit of "If you love it, let it go. If it comes back then it was meant to be. If it does not come back, then it was never yours int he first place."
Protect yourself and your family first.
Do it with respect, confidence and love.
Keep your buttons and feelings out of the way to protect you first, the family second and her, next, because you do still indeed choose to love her.

Please know that I share these observations in the spirit of helping you move forward with an outside perspective. I do so as it has been part of my own journey and I know that I can overcome the poor habits.
The anger of your WW is the closest that I have read to the anger of my WAW. I responded as a victim early on. But I am learning that by overcoming and working on many habits of a poor nature, that I am slowly taking back the power and confidence.
Changing the mindset is key to this.

As I have become wordy, I will leave it at that and hope you find some value in these thoughts.
You have come a long way, and you have a long way to go.
But you are still standing, and that says something.
You can and will get through this.
Building confidence, self power and the knowledge that you can do great things with out her will prepare you to do so, and if she comes back to you, you will be in a more healthy place to make a better MR than ever before.
But this is about you in this stage of the journey my friend.


--------------------------- CONFIDENCE ------------------------------
"Confidence is a habit that can be developed by acting as if you already
had the confidence you desire to have."
-Brian Tracey

[J5K]

SH,

Thanks for the continued 2x4s and the continued encouragement you post on my thread. I get what you are saying. I appreciate that you see patterns and shake me up to wake me up a bit.

Right before STBX and I met, I just took life day by day, never expected to meet the woman of my dreams. I was not indifferent about life or things I just was, had a smile on my face all the time, laughed, and just had a calm appreciation for everything God has blessed me with. I am gravitating that way again, maybe at a slower pace than I or anyone else may hope but I am getting there!

[SH_]

SH,

Thanks for the continued 2x4s and the continued encouragement you post on my thread. I get what you are saying. I appreciate that you see patterns and shake me up to wake me up a bit.

Right before STBX and I met, I just took life day by day, never expected to meet the woman of my dreams. I was not indifferent about life or things I just was, had a smile on my face all the time, laughed, and just had a calm appreciation for everything God has blessed me with. I am gravitating that way again, maybe at a slower pace than I or anyone else may hope but I am getting there!

How about we make a gentlemens agreement.
I'll stop swinging the 2x4 and in return, you share posts with the community that do not include anything about ww's behavior. Your posts will focus on what you are doing for yourself and your boys.
Share details of things you are doing to heal, learn and grow.
(You can save up the ww stuff and post it after the week is over if journaling is needed)
Let's see if this may boost your PMA.
What say you?
Might we have a deal?

[J5K]

LOL!

Yes perfect! Life is great!

[SH_]

JK spitting in virtual hand
SH spitting in virtual hand
JK and SH firmly griping in a virtual gentlemens handshake and looking each other in the eye.

"Agreed!" they both say in unison.


Have a great day my friend. Have a very great day.

[J5K]

Need some advice. September 12th is S6's birthday. This is the same day that STBX and I are scheduled for depositions. I don't know if she is going to tell the boys she is coming into town or not.

Do I invite STBX to a birthday dinner for S6?

I know it would make the boys happy. They know I want to work things out with mommy. S6 even suggested I buy mommy a nice ring! I smiled when he mentioned this and said maybe someday!

Two days ago was MIL's birthday. I texted STBX asking when I can have the boys call their grandma to wish her a happy birthday. STBX said grandma was with friends celebrating and thanked me for the gesture. Then she asked if she could speak with the boys. Said boys were in the shower and would have them call after they were done. After STBX spoke with the boys, we spoke briefly on the phone. I could feel the sadness in STBX voice. Conversation was short and nothing significant.

Yesterday psychologist sent an email to STBX and copied me and the Ls. Not sure what STBX did (maybe called psychologist), but psychologist said the following in the email to STBX:

I heard that you are very upset. I am also upset. I have never heard from some people after trying many times. I am concerned that these boys can not go back and forth on a regular basis and that they need to have their father in their lives on a regular basis I have already spent 50 hours working on this report and study. The boys will have to start school in Michigan and I will have the report by the 15th or before.

If you want feel free to call me even though I am out of the country at this time.

Still have small bursts of anxiety daily but overall doing well.
Going to sign up the boys for school tomorrow!

[J5K]

Weekend so far is great!

Signed the boys up for school yesterday.

This morning we changed the oil in the van, went to the auto parts store and changed the air filter and air cabin filter, got S7's prescription, haircuts, and went to Costco to stock up on snacks for school!

STBX calls while we are in Costco, I answered and was friendly and said I would like to talk but we are in the middle of shopping and can I call back. She was taken aback a bit and said yes.

Returned home about 45 minutes later and put the boys to nap while I unloaded groceries and then took care of some things around the house. Called STBX back about 3 hours later and left her a voicemail that the boys were up if she would like to call back to speak with them.

Plan on taking the boys to a Rennaisance Festival tomorrow, should be fun!

[J5K]

So STBX calls back.

Asks if the boys are signed up for school and I said yes it's all taken care of. She start to say that S4 can go to Sr. Kindergarten in Toronto and he is missing out. She asks if she can have S2 and S4 for two weeks until custody is finalized. I said I would have to think about it. She then says I am denying her the boys and what is the big deal. I stated that the boys should be together.

More spew about what do I want and then she states wait, I know what you want and it is not happening. She said I told you that I would never forgive you for filing first and that I treated her poorly for a year. I said nothing. She said I am being resentful and angry. I validated and said I am no longer angry or resentful.

Then she asked if she could see the boys two weekends this month or do we have to go through Ls. She asked if I could meet her halfway and I stated that my schedule will not allow that since I work. She then said "you will make me drive 20 hours to see the boys for a day? I stated that would be her choice.

Then we got into the assets conversation and why can't we split those up. I stated we have fundamental difference on this. I mentioned nothing about the house in Canada to avoid any conflict because I know where that conversation would go.

I politely said goodbye and did not want to continue this conversation because we are getting nowhere. I gave the phone to the boys so she could speak with them. S2 did not want to speak with her and when I told her she said put the phone to his ear so I can say hello. I stated to her that when she speaks to me like that it frustrates me. I put the phone to his ear and he pushed it away and then we said goodbye to each other.

Am I being difficult? At this point I have no emotions left as to her actions. She sees me as controlling and says that we will stick to the schedule if she gets custody. How would that make me feel? I said nothing.

[Coly23]

Your such a lovely Dad JK, you should be proud of yourself! Looking after 5 boys can't be easy and I know as I am one of five girls and it was always very chaotic in our house!

[mvgfwd2]

You are not too difficult. Sounded about right. Just remember you didn't want any of this. Her attitude and actions got you here. Stick with the schedule as agreed.

[mvgfwd2]

Also, remember almost every act of kindness and going off plan to help her has only produced bad behavior on her part.

[SH_]

JK,

When I read this I had deja vu.

Am I being difficult? At this point I have no emotions left as to her actions. She sees me as controlling and says that we will stick to the schedule if she gets custody. How would that make me feel? I said nothing.

First you are not being to difficult.
Feeling the loss of emotion is part of the process and a defense mechanism by your brain for your emotional well being.
The controlling thing she is blubbering about is WAW/WW script.
Sticking to the schedule regardless of custody is not a choice. It is a mandate by the courts. So the question about how you feel was just a way to bait you, and you did right.
Hang in there.
As several have said and I have said many times to you.
You are doing one hale of a job with the hand you have been dealt.

Sleep well my friend and share some more of your fun adventures with the boys this weekend with us.

[J5K]

Coly, thank you for the kind words.

mvgfwd,

Yes agree every time I help it backfires, not doing that anymore, everyone needs to grow up in one way or another.

SH, thanks for the continued support!

Today was awesome! Made blueberry/strawberry pancakes for the boys! Had lunch and then we went to the Rennaisance Festival. We saw jousting and S2 loved it the most! He really liked seeing the horses. All 5 wanted to go on this bungy jump ride....there are two bungy cords clipped to a harness that is over a trampoline. There is a person there to help the kids also. We waited at least an hour in the hot sun by the time the last person had their turn.

One of my S6s is very athletic, he is solid as a rock, all muscle and toned, it is crazy how strong and agile he is, he did a triple flip and his brothers were cheering him on!

We walked around some and saw a show where they were breathing fire, boys were standing like statues watching this guy and girl perform.

They had fairy dust sprinkled on them and they each made a wish. I thought about getting our palm read or tarot cards but did not want to get their hopes up if one of them would ask the psychic if mom and dad would get back together so we just passed on doing that activity.

Tried to find them a small gift to buy but everything was so expensive, a small little dragon toy was $20 each, so I promised them popcorn and that was $8, so then I negotiated and said how about we get McDonald's on the way home and I will make popcorn at home, they agreed!

Yesterday I updated L on the convo I had with STBX and we talked tonight, L said I should stick to the plan and not negotiate. As I was speaking with L, STBX called, let it go to VM, STBX then sends text that she would like to speak to the boys. I called STBX back and let her speak with the boys and they all tell her about their day, I get the phone back from S2 afterwards and say hello and STBX goes right back to the resentful hateful tone of voice for me. I wish her a goodnight and politely hang up.

S4 and S6 sleep in one room, S6 has been consistently giving me long hugs, tonight S4 says daddy why don't you give me long hugs, I said of course I will, anytime you want and told him I would be right there after I was done with giving S6 a hug. S6 tonight was rubbing my back as he hugged me tonight which was different than other nights. He heard S4's comments and S6 replied to S4 that he likes giving daddy long hugs because he knows how sad daddy was and how much daddy misses mom also....that was the sweetest thing I have heard in a long time. I thanked S6 for thinking of me and told him that everything will be ok and kissed him goodnight and then went and hugged S4 for a few minutes, kissed him and turned off the lights.

I had a really great day with my kids and look forwards to many more.

[SH_]

This is a most awesome post my friend!!

This is exactly the type of medicine needed for the souls that are going through such a challenging time.
Your recounting the experience of the hugs with your sons bought a tear to my eye and joy to my heart.

As you continue to strengthen yourself, those lil guys of yours will be there to feel your love and those hugs!
Those hugs are some powerful stuff!

So good to hear such a phenomenal update from you JimKao!

Remember to state your gratitude as you drift off to sleep tonight and your sleep will be peaceful and when you awake, you will have renewed energy and strength.

"I have learned that there is more power in a good strong hug than in a thousand meaningful words." - Ann Hood

So much truth in this quote.

Big virtual man hug to my friend (((((JK)))))

[Rose888]

What a great update! It's so good to hear it.

[lt0402]

JK the Renaissance faire with the kids sounds like an awesome time! your kids and you make a great unit together! Good work navigating and negotiating with that full house. it can't be easy to do, but you seem to have mastered it.

SH is right. Keep the focus on yourself and the kids. That post above is a perfect example of what you should be doing. Keep it up JK!

[J5K]

So to end the long weekend, part of my negotiations with the boys was to make our own wizard staffs that they saw at the festival. We went to home depot and bought some wooden rods and glue, and then went to a craft store and bought some colored beads to decorate the staff and styrofoam balls (orb to put on the top of staff). They were pretty excited about building these especially S7. I told them we would start to make them next weekend after I find my tools to carve out the rods and make them look like wooden sticks from a forest.

We did some grocery shopping, had lunch and then went to visit my parents for a bit. Bought pizza for dinner and then put them to bed early. Overall a relaxing day to end the summer before school starts.

STBX did not call last night to speak with the boys, her loss. The woman is so inconsistent now even though she stated the day before to them that she would call them the next day.

When I put the boys to bed, S4 said I really want to live with you and mommy, I told him not to worry that we both love him and that everything will be ok. He asked for a long hug which I happily gave him. Then I gave S6 his nightly long hug also. S6 said he is scared to give me hugs sometimes, I asked why, he said I don't know. He said he sees S4 getting hugs from me a lot but is afraid to come hug me, I said don't be afraid and you can have as many hugs as you want everyday just come and ask. He had a big smile on his face afterwards and started to rub my back again as we hugged.

It was too late, but I had a thought afterwards about having a VAR with me when I put the boys to bed so I could record what the boys say so I can let STBX hear how these children truly feel. I know that it will not change anything but at least for me it would be evidence enough to let her know how wrong this is for any family.

I feel good, content and positive again. I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and for those that have children, some joy that school is starting again! LOL!

[J5K]

Not much to report. Boys are getting settled in to school. Trying to get some sense of normal back into their lives.

My L calls this afternoon and the princess has filed another motion for next Wednesday to take the boys to Toronto. This is getting ridiculous. She knows depositions are on Tuesday and that the psychological report is coming out next week. Apparently the rest of the world needs to bow to her demands.

Hope everyone is staying strong and DBing to the best of their ability. I don't know if what I am doing is right or wrong but I am doing the best that I can.

[bigybiz]

You are the king of DB

[SH_]

Hey JK!!

You last several updates sound great.
The time with your boys really is good medicine for you.
You are one hell off a father.
Don't let anyone tell you different.

STBX did not call last night to speak with the boys, her loss. The woman is so inconsistent now even though she stated the day before to them that she would call them the next day.

There is a little trend in your updates that you may want to look at.
You seem a bit annoyed that she does not call.
Let that go.
Her issue, not yours.
Still document this, as it may be of value in your situation with the custody battle she wants, but try and make the decision not to let her failure to call bother you.

As for this...

It was too late, but I had a thought afterwards about having a VAR with me when I put the boys to bed so I could record what the boys say so I can let STBX hear how these children truly feel. I know that it will not change anything but at least for me it would be evidence enough to let her know how wrong this is for any family.

Please don't do this.
Don't even entertain the idea.

For the sake of time I am copying a post I shared with poschan as it relates to using the children as a bargaining chip to prove that anything she is doing is wrong or that you should stay married just for the kids.
There is zero value in it for you, her or your sons.

You are gonna want to stop this going forward.
Do not use your d8 as a bargaining chip so to speak to urge your WAW to come back and work on the MR with you.
So many LBS get stuck on this and it really can be more detrimental to both the opportunity to reconcile as well as to the relationship with the kids.
Maybe it's the very awesome L that I have, or my intense studying of DR and other material for our situations, but my point is that parenting and the MR must be kept separate.
In a good situation they are intertwined for sure. But they should never become attached to each other as a packaged deal.
I chose my L for this reason. He sold me on his goal and focus on the value of understanding that while a MR can be dissolved as it relates to the law. Being a parent has nothing to do with that.
He was a child of a divorce and he shares it that although his parents could not be H and W, they still showed a united front and were awesome parents.
This is a testament to me that kids will turn out just fine in the future if we stay focused on parenting, and better yet, focus on co parenting regardless of the MR.

IMHO, many of the LBH (myself included) tend to think that "taking care" of the family unit was the same as having a great MR. This is what lead many of us to an unhealthy detachment from our MR and thusly our current situations.

We would go to work, come home and relax, take care of the kids a bit, do a few chores and even plan family vacations. But we neglected to see and keep up with the emotional needs and desires of the one we claim to love.

I remember clear as day many times that as I was doing something with my daughters that my wife would so appreciate it and know that I loved her. Deep down I knew there was a disconnect with her, I just could not put my finger on it. So i threw myself more into the kids.
As my WAW raged out and threw a tantrum, it came out that she wanted to leave so many years ago. I asked her why she did not.
Her response is where my point that I am making to you was nailed into my mind.

The response was......................
"Because I did not want to hurt the relationship between you and our daughters."

My MR was on life support and maybe even dead many years ago. I knew it, but I could not revive it, so I tried to convince myself that taking care of my kids would keep us together.
It did not.

But my kids will get the best parenting ever from me and in time I believe that my STBX will come around and we can co parent well.

Seek out info about healthy co parenting. There is much out there and it will help you focus in the right place.

But please, remember to keep parenting and MR very separate.
You will benefit.
Your D8 will greatly benefit.

Stay focused on this...

I feel good, content and positive again. I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and for those that have children, some joy that school is starting again! LOL!

Hope everyone is staying strong and DBing to the best of their ability. I don't know if what I am doing is right or wrong but I am doing the best that I can.

Doing the best that you can is DBing spectacularly!

Have a wonderful evening my friend.
You and your family are in my prayers.

[J5K]

So met with my L today to prep for deposition tomorrow. Overall it went ok. STBX is saying I lied to her about moving to Toronto so that is why she is filing and that since her parents are gifting her the house in Canada that I have no rights to it even though STBX signed for it. L says since STBX is not showing any documentation that I will not be able to get any money from the house. Oh well.

L says they will try and make me angry tomorrow and badger me with questions on why I can't move to Toronto so need to keep calm.

STBX also filed another motion for Wednesday to take the kids to Toronto even though psych eval is not finished.

Going to be a rough week.

[SH_]

Going to be a rough week.

Important DB rule for you to practice this week then my friend.
ACT AS IF........
It will be a great week
Nothing STBX says matters to your bigger plans
You are in control of your emotions

You can do this
It all starts with the thought you allow to prevail in your mind and the words that you speak out loud.

[J5K]

Thanks SH,

I am just trying to process everything, especially the financial disappointment that I heard today. Trying to shrug it off before tomorrow. I don't need to live in the Taj Mahal like she does.

Custody is more important to me than the money and being the best dad possible.

Good part of the day today will be celebrating on of my S6's turns 7 today so we are going out to celebrate at the restaurant of his choice!

[SH_]

Yes process it
This is good for the mind
Keep the processing short
Rumination can set in if you over focus on that which you have no control over
Act as if
This is good for the outcomes
Responding is always better than reacting......

Happy birthday to your son.
Engage fully in the celebration and it will benefit the mind and soul so you can
Act as if....

You got this my friend
You got this

[sandi2]

We will praying for you, Jim. Your mental attitude will go a long a way in how you present yourself tomorrow.

[mvgfwd2]

Just a question about the documentation. Aren't houses, real property, recorded in Canada? At least here is Ohio it is public records who owns a house and who has a lien on it (ie. mortgage).

[J5K]

Well had a great birthday dinner with S7 now and the rest of the boys. STBX called just as we pulled into the parking lot and spoke with them. We went in had a blast and they had ice cream. Came home, showered and bed!

mvgfwd,

They probably are, the issue is there is nothing with my name on it that shows ownership. I have a paper trail that shows I have over paid my inlaws for a loan they gave us but nothing that is solid enough to communicate to the courts that I actually own part of the down payment on the house. My L truly believes it is not worth the hassle for something that not even been built yet and cannot be sold for a year after initial closing. Unless I can find something more concrete, not sure how to justify it because I never directly wrote a check to the builder. My in laws did.

[SH_]

Well had a great birthday dinner with S7 now and the rest of the boys. STBX called just as we pulled into the parking lot and spoke with them. We went in had a blast and they had ice cream. Came home, showered and bed!

This sounds like a lovely evening and one that will make a fond memory for your sons.
Sleep well tonight JK.
Sleep does the mind well and will aid you in your opportunities for progress this week.

[J5K]

Just journaling:

Received the psychologist evaluation just before depositions started. At this time I am choosing not to share the details.

The only thing I can say is that there are things that I read I did not agree with they are true about me at the time. There are things about STBX that I agree with and my reaction to the overall results are kind of mixed.

STBX is in the drivers seat on the outcome of this D now.

My L said I did well in answering my questions during the deposition.

Although everything did not pan out like I hoped, I am ok with the results.

I was also surprised that STBX did not ask to take the boys to dinner tonight to celebrate S7's birthday yesterday, I was prepared to tell her that she should and that the boys would love to see their mom. Maybe she is expecting a decision tomorrow in her favor, oh well, her circus, her monkeys.

SH,

I know you stated that it sounds like I am just sitting back and letting the system run its course to make the decisions for me, but after my experience today, it is very clear that STBX's plan has been to exit this M without me since November 2014 and unless I made her top priority all the time the rest of my life, the M would have failed later down the road. Maybe this is too generic of a statement to make, no one knows what will happen, doesn't really matter anymore.

Back to court tomorrow morning. I have my seatbelt on and holding on to the safety bar of this rollercoaster. Much more prepared than in the past. More confident and even keel with the things going on around me.

Went to curriculum night at the boys school and had to attend 3 classes to ensure I received all the info for S7, S7, and S6.

Came home just in time to put them to bed.

I hope everyone had a decent day. Stay strong and confident and you will prevail and come out a better individual in the long run.

[Painter]

Best of luck for tomorrow, Jim.

I think it's very natural that you feel mixed about the report. Your L will be the best person to judge it overall.

[SH_]

Jk,
My prayers will be with you and your family.

[J5K]

So more wasted time and money today.

Went to court to agree to parenting time for this month, I thought it was for STBX taking the boys to Toronto. Guess that changed.

STBX did not even show up to court. She gave her L permission to represent. Ls went to the referee and agreed that STBX gets two nights with the boys here in Michigan in a hotel.

My L also said that STBX's L is now seeing STBX's true colors. We will see if this even goes to trial.

STBX did not even stay last night after depositions to visit with the boys.

Day by day! The sun is shining! Patience is my friend!

[doodler]

JimKao,

Good for you; that's awesome!

[J5K]

Thanks doodler! Sad thing is she had time to go shopping for herself and charge things to the CC but no time to visit with the boys. Her issues to deal with.

[SH_]

It would seem that Lady Karma is doing her job....
One can only hide crazy for so long....
Keep up the efforts you have been making and the rest will settle as it should....

My only advice to you at this time is to focus on not paying any mind to what she does or does not...i.e. Her shopping, her not call to speak with the boys, etc.

It is the norm for her, so why pay it any mind at this point.

It is good to see things working in a positive manner for you of late.
You sound much better.

[Painter]

Thanks doodler! Sad thing is she had time to go shopping for herself and charge things to the CC but no time to visit with the boys. Her issues to deal with.

How about you ask the court to freeze the credit card? I can't for the life of me understand how you can't put a stop to her putting you into more debt.

[J5K]

OK, need some advice from vets and anyone else.

I went and picked up docs from the deposition from my L.
Had a brief discussion again with my L and she thinks this will not go to trial as it not only looks bad on the parents, it also looks bad on the Ls, and Ls do not want to lose trials.

My L also said she spoke to STBXs L who now sees things differently about the sitch. STBX's L now realized that my L and I are not bad people. STBX's L also said she needs to have a come to Jesus meeting on the reality of STBX's options.

So here are the options the way I see it:

STBX will stay in Toronto and most likely have to work and pay me child support and only see her boys once every couple of months or at most once a month. Live in the house in Canada by herself or not live in it at all.

STBX will have to spend the next 15 years co-parenting here with me and have the boys about 8% of the time more than me.

STBX will want to reconcile, which is a long shot!

STBX's L said that STBX left and went back to Toronto very upset.

How do I handle things if STBX comes back and wants to work on the M again?

[tfish08]

I wouldn't because she would not be coming back for the right reasons.She might come back set herself up in a better situation to make you the bad guy...then take it all away. I couldn't do it. The CPS threats and flat out entitlement that she has shown....i would always be suspicious

[AndrewP]

JimKao

Keep in mind that STBX may well create some options that aren't on your list and be prepared to be flexible.

I know that for my W's brother and his W that after his EA he was happily going along with the D process until his own "come to Jesus" moment when he found out that his W had a bunch of money he couldn't touch. Next thing you know they're in MC, buying an RV and she has him on a "very" short leash. The thought of her wanting to reconcile might not be as remote as you think so be prepared with what your conditions would be. She sounds rather self centred and selfish at least right now - very like my BIL perhaps.

Also STBX will find that it is "very" difficult to cross international borders with children that she doesn't have full custody of - Jesus comes in all shapes and sizes. This break while she is up in my neck of the woods may have her meet all sorts of realities. Maybe she'll even run into bigybiz - I'm in my own Toronto office one day next week - warn her about the guy in the bow tie

[J5K]

New Thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2704498#Post2704498