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Just journaling:

I had a great day today!

Started out with my walk.

I went to my uncle's restaurant. Helped him fix a smoker that was not getting power. Spent 3 hours visiting with him, and three other friends of my father and uncle. My father joined a little later. It was great to see all of them together. They have all known me since I was a baby. My dad used to take me to breakfast with him when I was a kid and the men would gossip about everything under the sun. I found it amusing since this is the first time I experienced this scenario in years.

I did some small errands after that and then work around the house.

STBX texted me wanting to know status of the car. I did not text back since I was busy visiting with family and friends and was working on other things. She sent another text 8 hrs later a split second before I was going to respond to her first text.
I gave her the update and she did not respond. She then texted a few minutes later saying that she will have the boys call me shortly. I replied with a thank you. I spoke to the boys and then she actually spoke with me on the phone to confirm she can take the rental car over the border and I politely said yes. I was in a good mood when I was speaking with her. It actually sounded like one of those good quick conversations she and I used to have.

RAI,

I know you are big into music. Over the weekend I turned on the radio a few times and guess what, the theme song for me is Adele's - Send my love (to your new lover). I don't know what it is about that song...maybe it is because it is upbeat, when I hear it I start dancing in the car and singing. It gives me a feeling that I will be ok in the future!


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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Heh! My kids were singing it the other day. My wife sometimes sings songs right out of the DB songbook. They obviously pay little mind to the lyrics. I also find myself humming so many songs from the DB songbook. Needless to say, my W and kids have no clue how much these songs resonate with me. I sometimes feel like I am talking to them in code and I wonder whether they will ever crack the code and one day figure out everything I felt during this period of my life. Music is a pretty benign way to capture this period of my life for posterity. I have no doubt that one day I will hear these songs and they will remind me of my finest hour.

I am glad you had a great day. The goal at this point is to be civil and it seems like you are achieving this, no? I also had a great day yesterday. I was at a BBQ with kids. Someone else in my community approached me and pledged support. I am on my own two feet, but it is nice to get support from time to time. She recounted to me how she told off my W. I don't condone that behavior, but I'll admit, a truth dart every now and again feels good. OMs xW told me that I look spectacular. I would much rather be moving up (the sky is the limit for me) than falling down (WW is heading for rock bottom).

Best,

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
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RAI,

I don't listen to the radio much because I would get too emotional with certain songs. I can understand your point on how that song makes you feel and yet the rest of the family has no idea the affect it has on you.

I would not say that STBX and I are civil, although I can feel myself detaching a little more everyday. I prefer to just text with her from now on, it keeps me from getting anxious and keeps me out of episodes she and I had a few weeks ago.

She stated months ago that she is no longer seeing OM but is friends with him on FB. Out of all the OMs she has gone out on dates with he is the only one she friended that I can tell. Yes, used to snoop, have not in a few months though. I am not sure I even want to know how many guys she has "dated".

Exchange went well with the boys today. STBX brought MIL again, MIL did not acknowledge me or look at me. STBX has this real paranoia that I would do something to harm her. I am done talking. Unless she initiates a conversation after I speak with the boys, there is no talking between her and I and as short as those conversations are they are civil.

So today I get info from L to prep for deposition. STBX is saying that I excessively spend. Wants all records for daycare, bank statements, blah blah blah. Also wants to know how I clock my hours at work and if I use flex time, blah blah blah (Her POV is that I am going to lose my job because I have left early from work to take care of the kids blah blah blah...)

I have already submitted most of this info once, guess I will have to do it again.

Excessive spending is a relative term. Who knows what she will argue...no Starbucks coffee for me but it is OK for STBX to use MIL/FILs money, my money and OM's money for her to live. F it, that is her issue.

Also received a call from the CPS rep who came about the babysitter issue. He is closing the case. He stated that he actually called CPS in Canada and had them check out STBX/MIL/FIL's home to make sure the boys were safe there.
Apparently the visit was this past Wed or Thurs.

I asked the boys if they are still sleeping on the floor when the got back today, turns out S6 and S4 are now in STBX's bed and STBX is sleeping on the couch in the basement. Did not expect to hear that.

All I can say is September is going to be a busy month wrt to this D. Boys start school next week, not sure if STBX is coming back to co-parent here while they are in school, STBX will have medical exam to take, depositions and mediation left to complete. I feel like there is about a 0.00001% chance that STBX will be remorseful and would even consider reconciling. Doesn't even matter much anymore, I just need to keep doing what I do.

RAI,

I also wanted to say I am glad you received a complement. I wish I could agree or disagree with the last part of the statement, not sure that a WAS does hit rock bottom. I would sure like to think that each one would, but no one will ever know if they do. Some come back to reconcile, some repeat the cycle in their next are and some are somewhere in the middle of those two extremes.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
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JimKao,

Your recent posts have a sense of a better PMA and calm for you.
This is good to hear and see.
You are taking very sound steps to ground yourself and strengthen your resolve for coming out of everything in a better place.
Keep it up my friend.

Originally Posted By: JimKao
Originally Posted By: SH_

JK

Food for thought with this simple post.
It is very much the flavor of most of your threads.
Your response is that of a victim mentality that I have spoken of with you.


I am sorry you feel that way. I do not want this D so I am not doing anything to help STBX with it.


To be clear, I do not feel this way, nor am I placing any feelings into the thoughts and feedback that I share and try to follow myself.
We have learned that feeling are fleeting, change regularly and are not to be trusted.
When I share thoughts and observations, they are simply from the picture and information at hand.
I know that in this community, that picture is often times short of many more details, as well as the details shared are very one sided and from the perspective of one person.
So that is what I focus on.
I make my observation from a pattern and trend, and that is where I share my feedback to you from.
Your posts have a very common theme and pattern.
Please know that I do not judge, not condemn based on this.
I hope only to point out an opportunity to step back and ponder on what I share.

My observation of the "victim mentality" is from your pattern of information and postings here.
I know that the term "victim mentality" can have negative connotation, but my review of this, it is more of a pattern of unhealthy habits that we create over time.
Identifying this type of thinking and taking action can change this.
Please, look it up and review it.
Then it will be up to you to look in the mirror and determine if you have any habits that you can work on to overcome the mentality.

We know that you do not want a D. We know that you choose to not help STBX with it.
This is advice many of us have received and I agree with it.
It is the approach that I would challenge if not done in a healthy manner for the LBS, the WS, or the potential for a future MR.

This is what I observe.
You state that you do not want the d and do not want to help.
Reading your threads I observe this,

"I don't want a D, so I will kick and scream and fight it, and all the bad stuff that happens is because of the WW and what she is doing. I can't do anything about it because she will cause a scene and harm to me and because the lawyers and psychologists all have the power and will make the decisions. This way I don't have to take any of the fallout when she gets mad, but I will take the fallout because she will take it out on me regardless. I continue to seek out thoughts and ideas form others because I don't know what to do, but I will shoot sown those ideas, because of all that I have stated here, and I can only take the highroad because that is what I normally do anyway. I do not have any say in these matters."

Can you see how there is no power in this paragraph?
Can you see how this paragraph mirrors much of what is contained in your threads here?
Would you seek out the term "victim mentality", study it, ponder it, look in the mirror and be as honest as you can be?
You may find opportunities to take back some power for yourself and change some habits, that you may not have even realized have taken over in your approach to things.

The approach should be that of respect, love and in the spirit of "If you love it, let it go. If it comes back then it was meant to be. If it does not come back, then it was never yours int he first place."
Protect yourself and your family first.
Do it with respect, confidence and love.
Keep your buttons and feelings out of the way to protect you first, the family second and her, next, because you do still indeed choose to love her.

Please know that I share these observations in the spirit of helping you move forward with an outside perspective. I do so as it has been part of my own journey and I know that I can overcome the poor habits.
The anger of your WW is the closest that I have read to the anger of my WAW. I responded as a victim early on. But I am learning that by overcoming and working on many habits of a poor nature, that I am slowly taking back the power and confidence.
Changing the mindset is key to this.

As I have become wordy, I will leave it at that and hope you find some value in these thoughts.
You have come a long way, and you have a long way to go.
But you are still standing, and that says something.
You can and will get through this.
Building confidence, self power and the knowledge that you can do great things with out her will prepare you to do so, and if she comes back to you, you will be in a more healthy place to make a better MR than ever before.
But this is about you in this stage of the journey my friend.


--------------------------- CONFIDENCE ------------------------------
"Confidence is a habit that can be developed by acting as if you already
had the confidence you desire to have."

-Brian Tracey


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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SH,

Thanks for the continued 2x4s and the continued encouragement you post on my thread. I get what you are saying. I appreciate that you see patterns and shake me up to wake me up a bit.

Right before STBX and I met, I just took life day by day, never expected to meet the woman of my dreams. I was not indifferent about life or things I just was, had a smile on my face all the time, laughed, and just had a calm appreciation for everything God has blessed me with. I am gravitating that way again, maybe at a slower pace than I or anyone else may hope but I am getting there!


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
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Originally Posted By: JimKao
SH,

Thanks for the continued 2x4s and the continued encouragement you post on my thread. I get what you are saying. I appreciate that you see patterns and shake me up to wake me up a bit.

Right before STBX and I met, I just took life day by day, never expected to meet the woman of my dreams. I was not indifferent about life or things I just was, had a smile on my face all the time, laughed, and just had a calm appreciation for everything God has blessed me with. I am gravitating that way again, maybe at a slower pace than I or anyone else may hope but I am getting there!


How about we make a gentlemens agreement.
I'll stop swinging the 2x4 and in return, you share posts with the community that do not include anything about ww's behavior. Your posts will focus on what you are doing for yourself and your boys.
Share details of things you are doing to heal, learn and grow.
(You can save up the ww stuff and post it after the week is over if journaling is needed)
Let's see if this may boost your PMA.
What say you?
Might we have a deal?
smile


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Joined: Jan 2016
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LOL!

Yes perfect! Life is great!


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
S
SH_ Offline
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JK spitting in virtual hand
SH spitting in virtual hand
JK and SH firmly griping in a virtual gentlemens handshake and looking each other in the eye.

"Agreed!" they both say in unison.
wink

Have a great day my friend. Have a very great day.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,091
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Need some advice. September 12th is S6's birthday. This is the same day that STBX and I are scheduled for depositions. I don't know if she is going to tell the boys she is coming into town or not.

Do I invite STBX to a birthday dinner for S6?

I know it would make the boys happy. They know I want to work things out with mommy. S6 even suggested I buy mommy a nice ring! I smiled when he mentioned this and said maybe someday!

Two days ago was MIL's birthday. I texted STBX asking when I can have the boys call their grandma to wish her a happy birthday. STBX said grandma was with friends celebrating and thanked me for the gesture. Then she asked if she could speak with the boys. Said boys were in the shower and would have them call after they were done. After STBX spoke with the boys, we spoke briefly on the phone. I could feel the sadness in STBX voice. Conversation was short and nothing significant.

Yesterday psychologist sent an email to STBX and copied me and the Ls. Not sure what STBX did (maybe called psychologist), but psychologist said the following in the email to STBX:

I heard that you are very upset. I am also upset. I have never heard from some people after trying many times. I am concerned that these boys can not go back and forth on a regular basis and that they need to have their father in their lives on a regular basis I have already spent 50 hours working on this report and study. The boys will have to start school in Michigan and I will have the report by the 15th or before.

If you want feel free to call me even though I am out of the country at this time.

Still have small bursts of anxiety daily but overall doing well.
Going to sign up the boys for school tomorrow!


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,091
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Weekend so far is great!

Signed the boys up for school yesterday.

This morning we changed the oil in the van, went to the auto parts store and changed the air filter and air cabin filter, got S7's prescription, haircuts, and went to Costco to stock up on snacks for school!

STBX calls while we are in Costco, I answered and was friendly and said I would like to talk but we are in the middle of shopping and can I call back. She was taken aback a bit and said yes.

Returned home about 45 minutes later and put the boys to nap while I unloaded groceries and then took care of some things around the house. Called STBX back about 3 hours later and left her a voicemail that the boys were up if she would like to call back to speak with them.

Plan on taking the boys to a Rennaisance Festival tomorrow, should be fun!


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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