Focus on Me and my Boys 7

[J5K]

Well it has been somewhat non eventful this week. Had to work from home on Tuesday and put the boys in daycare today. When I went to pick them up the daycare said they have no room for them the rest of the week. Luckily I found a friend to watch them for half a day tomorrow so I can go finish my project at work. At least in the afternoon I have conference calls and can work from home. Will probably take vacation days Friday and Monday.

Sent a witness list to Ls in case it is required.

S2 today wanted lots of hugs. Could not get him to go to sleep easily. Not sure what is up with him other than maybe he does not get enough touch and affection from his mom.

Boys told me they are still sleeping on the floor at their grandparents house and that S2 is in his high chair most of the day while mommy is doing work on her computer and they watch TV. This is typical on rainy days which they had last week for two days. I also found out that STBX is not giving them gummy vitamins. Boys remind me everyday when they are with me.
STBX can buy $600 US dollars in groceries for 2 weeks a month but can't buy gummy vitamins? I am sure her parents are buying the groceries and STBX is just trying to hoard money. Oh well.

Two nights, no call to the boys from STBX. Status quo.

At least boys and I are making the best of what we can in this little apartment.

[SH_]

What are you doing for you my friend?
What are you doing to heal and build up your fortitude to handle what is going on?

[Rose888]

I encourage you to not try to guess the cause of S2's neediness. Sometimes kids go through phases. Or maybe he just misses you.

Likewise, I wouldn't pay any attention to the lack of gummy vitamins. They're pretty much just sugar pills. Analysis of city sewage indicates that most vitamins just pass through without being absorbed.

You and your STBX have enough issues in your divorce. You don't want to cloud the real issues with conjecture or minor things.

[Rose888]

Just to clarify, I think S2 reportedly spending the whole day in his high chair is worth mentioning to the psychiatrist and your L.

[Ginger1]

Yup, there are certain things worth mentioning like the high chair thing. mentioning some gummy vitiamins will start looking petty and the serious stuff won't be taken as seriously.

I could imagine everything looks awful that she does at this point. But maybe sit down and look through your journal and point out those things that truly endanger your children rather than things that subjectively make one look like a neglectful parent" Don't cloud the serious stuff with the minor stuff.

(Rose, I always seem to come behind you sounding like a parrot, but you always seem to write exactly what I am thinking)

[rich4j]

JK-

At this phase I agree with most that you have to document the big stuff like spending the day in the highchair. Just document and move on...its a business transaction now unfortunately not a relationship discussion

My 2 cents on focusing on the STBX. I have gone thru this tunnel of doom with my STBX in trying to control and manage how she cared for my D7 in the past year. Now granted...it aint the gaggle of kids you have with 5! But after multiple discoussions with my therapist she got me to a place where I ONLY would focus on what I could control and that is what I do with D7. I would document anything I thought was not right with what I heard with her and D7, and move on.

Your STBX will continue to get under your skin, rile you up and just make life even more miserable with how she takes care of your kids. I know it kills ya but you can't change that.....what can change that is what the court says only that will move her to take better care of them

So focus on what you can control. Focus on you ....and focus on the boys. There isn't enough energy in the day to waste it on what she is doing or not doing. You will find some peace when you can get there...I did.

[Mach1]

Something else that I would like you to think about...

And I agree 100% with the others ^^^

This is something that I see BOTH of you doing, and maybe it's me, or maybe you just aren't there yet (which is understandable).

When I was going through my custody battle, it would have been easy to get down in the pit and sling mud, on an almost daily schedule.

I had to figure out which things were harmful to the kids, as opposed the things that were just....different from what I was doing.

Different doesn't always mean harmful, different just means that we would do it another way....

One of the things that I realized, is that I didn't want to have a good relationship with my children, if it meant that I destroyed their relationship with their mother.

I wanted them to have a good relationship with BOTH of us, and it was up to me, to control MY part, and it was up to me, to NOT be destructive to THEIR part.

A wise DBer from a few years ago, phrased it like...

Your job isn't to facilitate their relationship. Your job is to NOT damage their relationship..



Be the memory today, that you want them to have tomorrow...

[J5K]

Thank you everyone for the advice.

I agree, will not worry about the small stuff. I just journal it here is all.

Took the boys to a new park yesterday they had a blast.

Found out from my L that we are going to court next Tuesday even though we have not gone through mediation for assets and have no formal response from psychologist.

STBX is pushing to get this done and get the boys before the school year starts which then she will have to decide if she comes back to do the 2/2/5 schedule with the boys.

S6 also told me yesterday that STBX says dad is trying to take all the money. I just told the boys that we both love them and not to worry about those things, mommy and daddy will work out the adult stuff.

[lt0402]

JK, that's a perfect response to your S6. Keep your head up and keep moving forward bud!

[Painter]

Jim, great answer to your S.

I am surprised that you're going to court so soon. How does your L feel about that? Is this a motion from WAW to hear a particular issue?

Please keep giving your children vitamins. Rose is a wonderful poster, but I have special knowledge in this area and I know there's false rumors posted online that sewers are full of undigested vitamins. That is (fortunately) completely false. I would suggest one that doesn't have artificial colors or flavors in it. I'd also make sure they get enough EFAs and vitamin D. The body needs nutritional support especially in times of stress.

You could always ask WAS if she will give them the vitamins if you supply enough for them when they are with her. If she says no, you just say 'okay' and keep giving it to them on your time. Just be prepared to let it go immediately.