Maybs - Pt3

[maybs]

My last thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2694547#Post2694547

Nothing much to report here. Date went really well. It was fun, easy, but I miss my W and would have rather been with her but since that wasn't an option this was a good alternative.

[hawker]

Glad you got out and had some fun! I think we all would rather be with our spouses but until then keep on GALing!

[cheesyt]

glad I'm not the only one doing things wishing I was with her instead.

glad you had fun maybs.

[maybs]

Just an update:

So since quite a few people know about my going on a date (my SIL and a close mutual friend of ours and a couple others) I figured that at some point someone would tell my W that I was "dating" again (even if their intentions were good).
So I decided that I wanted her to hear it from me because I know how terrible it felt to find out about her relationship from someone else.

So I texted her and said "it isn't an emergency or anything but there's something that I would like to talk to you about if you could call me when you have a few minutes." I figured that she wouldn't call me until later tonight because I knew they had family plans for the day since her sister is in town but of course she called me right away!

So conversation went something like this:
W: hey, what's up?
me: So I just had something that I wanted to talk to you about if you have a second
W: okay...
me: I just want to be honest and tell you that I have begun dating again and I know that you have been dating someone as well, I just didn't want you to hear it from someone else.
W: (long pause) (insert super snarky attitude here) okay, well I guess thanks for telling me. I didn't tell you about me dating because I didn't think that you were in a place to understand what I was saying.
me: okay, I'm not trying to fight with you about this, I was just trying to tell you that I'm dating
W: Okay but I did tell you that I was talking to someone
me: okay, I didn't call to have this argument, I was just trying to make sure that you heard this from me instead of someone else.
W: (continue snarky attitude through this whole conversation) Well. good. it's good that we both get back out there. Even if our relationships are not lasting relationships.

At this point I just said that I had to go. She tried to continue the conversation by talking to me about mediation and her lawyer and stuff and I just said you can let me know about your lawyer another time I have to go.

I was genuinely trying to be nice. I didn't want her to hear about this from someone else because I know how much that [censored]. And I know that I shouldn't have said anything about knowing that she has a gf but I felt like she was living in la la land pretending I had no clue that she was dating someone else.

Whatever, I don't know my friend thinks that it was her just reacting out of anger and jealousy. I did kind of put her on the spot and I know she did not expect me to start "dating" any time soon. As my friend said I might not ever know what she really thinks about it but it will probably at least take her a few days to think about and process what I said to her and figure out how she feels about it...

So Idk. I spent my day over at my friends new house helping her with some things like painting the garage and a bunch of other stuff around the house. It was actually really fun just hanging out with her and her daughter and telling her about my date and it was really relaxing and fun.

I don't feel like my W's reactions really did anything to me. I did on some level expect that reaction so I wasn't really surprised, it didn't feel great but I'm mostly over it. It did get me down for a few minute and I just sat there and then I got up and moved on and kept working and having fun.

[maybs]

The conversation I had with my W yesterday about me dating really didn't bug me at the time.

And now the further I get from it the more it kind of does irritate me but only because she was kind of rude to me about the whole thing...
Really it just brings up this feeling of "what right does she really have to be upset about this?"

And also a little bit of a feeling that she tried to use my own feelings against me by saying "you weren't in a state to understand what I was saying" How the F do you know what state I'm in? And even if you THINK you know you don't because guess what you aren't in my head and I haven't explicitly told you how I'm feeling.

[MoveFrwd]

Hey maybs -

I guess I missed something last week. Curious as to why you started dating again so soon. I don't understand the logic of "if WW is doing it, then it's ok if I do it". It just sounds like you are trying to "get back at her". And if you can't even use the word "dating" without being in quotes, then is it really something that you need to run across WW's radar anyway? Again, it reads to me like you just want to hurt her, but I could be wrong.

[maybs]

It isn't really about hurting her. I just happened to find someone that I really get along with and have fun with and am happy when I'm around this person. I've been talking to this person for a few weeks and felt extremely guilty about it and at some point last week I just realized I shouldn't feel guilty for feeling happy right now.

I only use dating in quotes because I've been completely up front with this person and while yes we are dating she knows that there are circumstances under which I would still want to R with my W and work on our MR.

I only told my W about it at all because I felt like it was getting to the point where enough people knew that eventually she would find out either intentionally or unintentionally and I didn't want her to find out in the same way that I did, from someone else.

I really wasn't trying to get back at her or hurt her. I felt that since we are technically still married she had a right to know.

[MoveFrwd]

So what is your goal?

If it's to R with W, do you think this brings you closer to it?

[maybs]

My goal is to focus on me and do what's right for me.

If that leads to R, okay and if not okay.

Right now, I cannot sit around and wait for my W to get her stuff together. And I know you aren't waiting your making yourself a better person and GAL and everything else and unfortunately for W while I was GAL I meet someone that I like to spend time with.

At this moment does my having this other relationship bring us closer? No.

[maybs]

But at what point is it okay for me to just be happy. Regardless of R

[MoveFrwd]

But at what point is it okay for me to just be happy. Regardless of R

In my opinion, when you're ready to treat the WS as "just another fish in the sea", then it's time to consider dating again. I think if you need to date "provisionally", then you are doing it as bandaid or to get back at the WS.

As Cadet says, there's no reason to start a new relationship until you're finished with the old one.

[hawker]

I know I could not date someone at this point, hopefully I will know when I am ready if it comes to that....I am still no over my old relationship and I really have no desire to get into a new one....being alone is fine with me for now!

[maybs]

I just realized earlier that I only have until the end of the week to file my answer to being served D papers.

My W was supposed to get back to me about mediation today but haven't heard anything from her yet. I got my manager to allow me to leave work a little early on Thursday so I can make it to the court house before it closes so I guess W has until then to let me know about mediation.

I found this thing when I was doing some reading a little bit ago and I thought I would just but it here it's about learning to tolerate unpleasant feelings:

"Practice observing your own unpleasant feelings, whenever they occur, without letting them throw you off balance. Try focusing on your breath, instead of you unhelpful thoughts, until you feel calmer. Unpleasant feelings are often produced by chemicals, which come and go. If you learn to recognize and tolerate the temporary chemical spurts, you'll keep your balance better. Once you're calmer, you can more easily look beyond your immediate, unhelpful thoughts. It also helps to remember that our partners aren't wholly responsible for our unpleasant feelings. It might seem like their actions are the sole cause, but sometimes their actions merely trigger some greater pain from our past." Joel Almeida

I just felt like this really spoke to me today and I know calming myself and diverting my negative feelings has been something that I've been working on throughout this process. And I think this is something that a lot of people here could use a reminder of sometimes. We are all just trying to do the best we can.

Hope everyone is having a good Monday!

[maybs]

her avoidance is due to the fact that, if she were talk w this with me I'd try to persuade her to slow things down and change her mind - and she doesn’t want to feel vulnerable again. So she’s ‘protecting herself through distancing’. says that the ‘least interested person in a relationship has power over a relationship’, and ‘if she has felt in the past she didn’t have power in the relationship she is not likely to let go of that power’

I stole this from a different post and just wanted to put it here for me to be able to easily find and reflect on later when I have the time.

[maybs]

Well, my W contacted me last night about mediation again. At first it was a fine conversation and then all the sudden she kicked in with her attitude and started giving me a hard time about everything!

Then she brought up that she wants us to try to settle this on our own without lawyer and told me about some book her friend who is a lawyer said we could use. And I told her I don't feel comfortable with that because I don't want to mess it up. Really what I meant was "I want everything to be legally binding so in 6 months you can't try to f**k me over"

And of course she expects me to do all the heavy lifting and call around to places and find a mediator.. I'm conflicted about this because Yes I was the one that asked for a mediator but I only asked for one because she filed for D...

Sometimes when I interact with the person my W is now I feel like I will never want to R with this person. I know that's partially because she's so drastically different than she was a few months ago but it does make me wonder if maybe I am just better off without her.

[hawker]

How was your day...anymore word from the W? Yes, they are not the people we married that is for sure....I think she should call around but I see you wanting to protect yourself as well....

[maybs]

I'm going to call. I know she won't and like I said I don't want to end up getting scr3wed in all of this.

Plus, to be completely honest, I've been thinking about it a lot and I love my W that's not a question. But I feel like I just want this to be done. I don't want to drag it out, I just want it to be over so I can move on.

And quite frankly, if there was ever going to be a world in which we would R it would be after she hits bottom and pulls herself back up and I don't think she will do that until she loses everything. And no matter how much I tell her and show her I'm not here for her. I know in her mind I always will be. And the best thing for me right now is to be completely disconnected and away from her.

I don't know. I feel like more and more often I just feel like I'm better off now that we are S than I was for the last year when we were together.

No we didn't have a bad M. We didn't fight and in general things were good and most of our friends were envious of our R. but there are some things that time and distance has clarified for me and I am not willing to put up with them anymore and I don't know that they are things she would ever be willing to change.

I don't know. I can't say there would never be a time or place where R would be possible for us but I think it's at least a year away and I'm not going to drag out this D for that long. It's not what's best for me, I just want to move on with my life and now that I've found happiness without her... I feel like I can do that.
What really sealed the deal for me was last night my friend was showing me some of the stuff she posts with her new gf on FB and it has literally no influence on me. I did not care one iota, it felt weird to not care but I didn't. Even thinking about it now to write this it just doesn't matter.

I just want to be happy and do what's right for me. And right now I think that's just getting this over with and moving on with my life. I've actually been happier these past few weeks without her. Sure I miss her but I miss who she used to be not this other alien.

[maybs]

I don't know. I can't say there would never be a time or place where R would be possible for us but I think it's at least a year away and I'm not going to drag out this D for that long. It's not what's best for me, I just want to move on with my life and now that I've found happiness without her... I feel like I can do that.

I would like to clarify that I'm not waiting or hoping for this to happen, I just personally feel that you can never rule anything out. Just because it's possible doesn't mean I want it. Like technically I feel that any ex at any time could come back and want to R that doesn't mean I would...

I don't know if that made sense

[hawker]

How you doing Maybs?

[maybs]

I'm doing really well. Yesterday was a bit crazy. Had a super full day at work so of course that was the day my computer decided not to cooperate.

I also spoke with a place to get our mediation going and what we are looking at timeline wise to get that over with. I had to go to the court house to file my answer and counterclaim. Since the courthouse closes before I can leave work I left work a little early and then when I was done I went home and took a nap...and it was wonderful.

Then my W called me for an hour to talk about everything. I kept my answers short and distant, not because I'm even trying to DB her anymore but just because I have nothing to say to her. It seemed like she kept bringing things up to keep the conversation going. We were on the phone for like 45 minutes but we were talking about things we actually needed to discuss like splitting up certain things and our ideas about everything going into mediation. I also wanted to talk to her about our nieces, they are technically her brothers children but I have been in their lives since they were born and I told her I did not foresee a time when I wouldn't want to be in their lives and that I would like for her and I to get to a place where I can be at birthday parties and such.

And then she just kept trying to talk to me and ask me about my job (which she has not once asked me about since I started last month) and then she wanted to talk to me about missing the dogs and how she's struggling so much financially and blah blah blah. And I just got to a point where I told her I had to go just because I didn't want to hear it anymore.

I still feel really good about everything and I feel like each day that goes by kind of solidifies that I want this D as well. I'm happy with how my life is right now, I feel like everything is falling into place and I'm in a good space mentally and emotionally.

This is going to sound harsh but quite frankly I just feel like I don't care. I don't care what she's doing with her life, I didn't even realize it until after the phone call but not once did I ask her anything about her life or day or work or anything, everything she told me she offered up on her own. And I told her nothing about myself.

[NYGal]

Hi Maybs, it sounds like you are doing well. I'd bet good money that SIL shared your conversation with W. And you handled that convo really, really well!
If you're truly ready to move on, then I hope it goes very smoothly.

[maybs]

I feel like I am ready to move on. I feel like I'm ready to live my life 100% for me and whatever happens, happens. I'm not out like actively searching for someone to date but if it happens, it happens.

The irony is I was so focused on DBing and making sure I was trying to do everything right and the second I just stopped trying to do it all and just 100% let go is when my W started coming around again.

I have a hard time phrasing this in a way that makes verbal sense. I don't believe in saying "never" about anything it doesn't just have to do with my W. I believe that there could be a time and a place for anything with anyone, even exes. For me it's more I'm not hoping or waiting for R.

Over the past week or so my W has been in contact with me every day about something or another. Over the past few days I FINALLY got it through her head that this D is moving forward and is something that I'm on board with and just want to be done with. She has heard from "people" (she won't tell me who) that I'm doing really well and am really happy and seem more like myself than I have in a long while and I think it's eating at her. We have had several conversations over the past few days that have ended because she gets upset and starts "secretly" crying (it's like when you know someone is crying but they're trying super hard to cover it up). And honestly, at the point that happens I just exit the conversation, not rudely, but I just say that I have to get going because I'm busy, which has actually been true almost every time.

On some level I feel bad for her that she is clearly going through something and she's alienated so many people that she's basically alone, but at the same time. I feel like I can't get sucked back into her drama right now. More and more I see an unhappy and lonely person who desperately wants me to reach out to her and I just can't. More and more I see the person that my W used to be and I see that she's struggling with something inside of her and I just can't help and it does make me feel bad for her. But it's not my struggle. and I just got to a place where I feel good about myself and my life and I don't want to lose that by being sucked back in. Especially because I know that evil monster side of her is still in there and lashes out at me sometimes when she's very frustrated, but it just doesn't bug me.

I feel like I've had a shift in mentality from thinking "she's leaving me" to feeling like "I'm leaving her"

It's funny to me that I'm better at DB-ing now that I've given up trying, maybe I was just thinking about it to hard all along.

[MoveFrwd]

The irony is I was so focused on DBing and making sure I was trying to do everything right and the second I just stopped trying to do it all and just 100% let go is when my W started coming around again.

Exactly - People want what they cant have.

Have you ever tried to throw away a kid's toy?
Me: "You havent played with it for years..."
Them: "But I want to play with it now!"

Just keep doing what youre doing.

I would advise to hold off dating. In fact, I'd take the attitude of not doing it purposely. It isnt for W, but it's for you. Youve only been post-BD for 2 months. Do you really feel "over" your 5 year relationship? Id recommend you take the time to flourish into the new "you" and let the changes become habits and then become your personality. Otherwise, I worry that youll find yourself back here down the road.

[hawker]

Sounds like you are doing great maybs!!!!

[cheesyt]

great job moving on and forward! hope it works out for you!!!

[NYGal]

I think darknes is right. We quickly hop into new relationships and then wonder why they don't work out. Take your time. Good luck maybs. It sounds like you know exactly what you need to do.

[Coly23]

Hi Maybs, glad you are getting yourself together. I think I'm trying too hard. I want so much to get to the stage you are at. Not to be able to entice my H back but to be at peace with myself and to find the girl I used to be again.

[maybs]

Thanks everyone. Like I said I'm not trying to rush into dating, I'm just trying to live my life.

I think it's pretty normal here for everyone to kind of beat themselves up when they feel like they've failed at DB-ing, and I will say I did not get to this place without a lot of work. And I do mean a lot.

- I see an IC weekly and that has helped me learn to better identify not only WHAT I'm feeling but WHY I'm feeling that way and really get to the bottom of what's going on with me

- I got a life. In the beginning I was doing a bunch of things just to take up time and space in my life that was now empty of activity. Over time I cut out the things that were just fillers and stuck to only what I really enjoy doing. This that some days I wants to sit around with my dogs and watch movies all day. It took a long time to realize that for me, as someone who is introverted and likes peace and quiet, sometimes the best GAL activity I can do for myself is doing nothing. I need time to recharge and relax. But it takes time to get comfortable with being alone again.

- A large part of my peace comes from being comfortable and accepting of who I am and understanding that I'm not going to be perfect, I'm going to make mistakes and the most important part of being a compassionate person is being compassionate to yourself. Be kind to you and kindness to others will follow.

- Read about mindfulness. it's a way of being. To stop living in past or future and be fully aware of what is going on right now. If it's not something you are familiar with I would look into it. It's actually about building awareness of yourself: your needs, your wants, your desires and learning to control them, not let them control you.

I'm not saying these things will work for you to find peace, whatever that looks like for you, but they are some of the things that I've worked on over the past couple of months that have helped get me to where I am today with all of this

[maybs]

I have been having a very stressful week.

Work has been crazy busy and just exhausting mentally and physically.

On top of that I have been helping my best friend move. So we both work all day at demanding jobs and then leave work and go move from 5pm-midnight-ish. Supposedly her D and her D's BF are "helping" but really they're just acting like teenagers and not doing much of anything, so it's pretty much all us.

On top of that I have been feeling very stressed/anxious/guilty about a ridiculous argument we all had a few days ago. My best friend that I've been helping move is someone that my W also knows through work, but they aren't very close especially now. So basically what happened (and this is probably going to make no sense)

My W contacted me because we were talking about something D related and while on the phone she said something to me about this friend but didn't elaborate.

After the convo with W I called friend and asked her about it and kept it strictly between her and I because it was something about if she was giving my W info on me (basically did you betray my trust?), I did not tell her my W said it. I DID NOT tell her my W said it and I did not talk about it at all except in the context of "Why did you do xx to me?" I don't know if that makes sense.
Anyways so friend tells me the whole story and I'm like "oh okay that makes sense. We are good then." End of story.

So W and friend have their own issues because W told everyone at work something that friend explicitly told us not to tell anyone. So friend texts W this whole long thing that basically outlines that she feels betrayed by W spreading the rumors about her (justified IMO) and says that she feels used by W asking for info about me (also justified as that is all my W tries to talk to her about anymore) and basically tells my W that she doesn't feel she is being a true friend to her and that she is choosing to stand by me through this and doesn't want to betray me so she thinks they shouldn't speak.

She also pretty much left me out of it and made it about their issues.

But then W texts me all angry again because "you must have said something to her to make her go off on me and you just want to start some drama."
And at this point I didn't know what my friend had said to her so I'm like "I really don't know what you're talking about, but I can tell you're upset."
And it just goes downhill from there. And she's just yelling at me and I'm just ignoring it/validating her feels of being upset but I'm refusing to get involved in their argument.

Then this whole thing about how I don't trust my W gets brought back up and at that point I couldn't deal with it anymore. No I don't trust her. She walked out on me and lied to me and is having an A...the fact that she thinks I would trust her is just absurd to me. But I didn't want to get into it with her so I just continued validating and basically trying to stay out of it.

But anyways, the stress and anxiety over this whole situation has had me in knots. Mostly I feel guilty that my W is 100% denying that she blabbed friends secret to everyone. I SAW HER AND HEARD HER MYSELF! I know she did it. So I feel bad that this has escalated to not only is she treating me subpar but now she's also taking it out on my friends and really my friend doesn't deserve that. She was not a part of any of our relationship issues and the only thing she has done through all of this is stand by me and be there for me (which I recently found out that my W went to this person and asked her to "be there" for me). So the fact that my W is upset that she asked this person to "be there" for me and is now mad that we have developed a very close and strong friendship... I'm just not entirely sure what she expected to happen. Honestly, I feel like she thought friend would be there for me but remain loyal to her and that she could continue to use that to get information about me.

I don't know, I really feel guilty about their friendship ending, I never wanted that to happen to either of them. I feel badly that friend is being treated poorly just for being close with me. And on some level I do feel bad for WW for losing yet another close relationship because of her poor life decisions...But the guilt I feel is related to my friend and not my W. I fully believe that W set this up on her own and it was really only a matter of time before that relationship imploded on itself because of factors that W controlled (ie. telling people friends business) but I still feel bad for friend because it [censored] to lose a friend like that.

What I do not feel is influenced by W's emotions or any of her other crazy bullsh!t.

It's just been a long week...

[maybs]

Will this week ever end!!!

I'm still feeling a bit stressed and anxious about life in general.
Normally I would turn to my best friend buttttt since she's having her own issues with W I'm trying to respect that and not complicate it more...
I have tried to work it out on my own, why I'm feeling the way I do right now, and it's been a struggle because I don't know.

W keeps contacting me about unimportant things or to ask me questions that are absolutely ridiculous and things that she could easily figure out on her own if she tried. She's a smart person but right now she's acting kind of dumb. Is it just to give her reasons to contact me? IDK. I know I can't mind read to figure out why she's doing but that really seems like the only semi-logical reason I can come up with.

[doodler]

W keeps contacting me about unimportant things or to ask me questions that are absolutely ridiculous and things that she could easily figure out on her own if she tried. She's a smart person but right now she's acting kind of dumb. Is it just to give her reasons to contact me? IDK. I know I can't mind read to figure out why she's doing but that really seems like the only semi-logical reason I can come up with.

maybs,

I can mind read; it nearly drove me insane. I started wearing an aluminum foil hat and that helped immensely. I'm much calmer now.

You may have latent or subconscious mind reading ability. I'd highly recommend wearing a foil hat for a few days. You may find that life is much more pleasant when you wear the hat, and it also blocks alien subspace mind-control signals so there's an added benefit.

[maybs]

Haha doodler when I get home I will make my very own foil hat.

The asking me about dumb things has really just become more of a nuisance. It's at all hours of the day and night and literally is about common sense things that I know W could figure out.

[MoveFrwd]

Haha doodler when I get home I will make my very own foil hat.

The asking me about dumb things has really just become more of a nuisance. It's at all hours of the day and night and literally is about common sense things that I know W could figure out.

Id recommend waiting to reply only at certain times of the day. Maybe before work and after work.

The rest of the time, youre busy GAL!

[maybs]

Thanks darkness. That's what I have been trying to do. Unless it is truly something she needs to know after work hours. I try to keep communication limited and strictly about "business" I don't get into personal with her even when she brings it up.

[maybs]

just journaling -

I have been having a rough week emotionally. It took me a while to figure out what was really bugging me.

It's mostly the fact that so we didn't talk for a few weeks and then my W started contacting me again a few weeks ago. From then up until last weekend I felt like something was really changing for us. We were getting along better in general and when we did have disagreements she was willing to talk about it and work it out with me. She was getting more and more interested in my life. And I managed to remain pretty detached through everything so as to not seem too eager.

But last weekend with that fight between her and our friend I feel like everything has gone back to how it was in the beginning. Yeah, she still talks to me but she doesn't seem interested in my life any longer.

I don't know I know that everyone says they will come closer and pull away over and over again but I just really wasn't ready for her to pull away again.

Now that I've figured out WHY I was upset I am coping much better.

Went for a walk/run earlier to clear my head and get my emotions back in check and I'm feeling better and more positive.

I'm going to try to keep up my GAL and my 180s and I'm going to be better about being dim/dark and only responding during a certain time period unless it is an actual emergency.

I am meeting a new friend tomorrow after work to hang out for the first time and on Tuesday BIL is staying at my house before leaving for a 5 day bike trip and I think SIL and nieces are coming to have dinner with us. I'm excited to see everyone and get to spend a little time with my nieces even if it just is over dinner.

[maybs]

I should note that by "something was changing for us" I meant something is changing in the way my W thinks about me. I know her better than anyone and I can tell when something is going on with her and there's for sure been something going on with her in regards to our relationship. I just don't know what.

[hawker]

Sorry you had a bad week! I think all of our emotions go in waves, I know for me they do. Lately I have been fine most of the time but there are times when I see something or remember something that triggers me back to my W and makes me sad. Your W seems conflictive that's probably why she is close and then pulls away. Hope you have fun with the in laws!

[cheesyt]

hawker is right. our emotions and feelings are like waves. sometimes we can ride them, others they submerge us and throw us for a spin and we drown.
we're here for you!

[maybs]

Yeah, I just can't help but feeling that I'm suddenly doing everything wrong.

Like it seemed like it was working and we moved forward a little and then all the sudden we lost all the ground we gained and now it's like the beginning all over again.

It just makes me feel like I'm messing something up. I know in the beginning I seriously avoided contact with her and I think that did peak her interest... maybe I just need to go back to that? I don't know.

I seriously feel like 98% of the time I don't have a clue. I KNOW beyond a doubt something was happening in her head about us I just don't know what...I wish she could just get her life together and figure it out and come out of this fog and if she still wanted the D fine but I seriously feel like she's going to wake up one day and have like a "wtf did I do" moment and then never tell me because she's so stubborn and hates admitting when she's wrong and made a mistake.

So frustrating

[maybs]

So I have a question and would appreciate some advice on this matter from anyone with an opinion basically.

I am getting conflicting advice for dealing with my WW. On the one hand I know what DB says to do with the whole 180 and GAL and detach and distance and everything.

On the other hand I have people close to me and my IC encouraging me to write this letter (which I have already written for therapeutic purposes) but to also give W the letter. Basically the letter outlines some of the mistakes that I made in our marriage and apologizes for those things and explains some of the things that I contributed to the marriage that negatively impacted our relationship and my W and how I have been working to address them. And then it also says something along the lines of "I wish we could reconcile but I respect that that is not something you are interested in and if this divorce is truly what you wish I will not fight you on it."

My IC and others think it's important for me to let her know that I would be willing to R given the whole crying thing she was doing last week and the way some of the things I have said might have sounded to her...

I just don't know which way to go on this one. I feel like I can see benefits of either and negatives of either. I would hate to leave her feeling like I'm okay with all of this and don't want to R but maybe that's what she needs to feel???

I just don't know. I feel so conflicted and confused about what to do...

HELP

[hawker]

I am the same way Maybs. I think my wife is gonna wake up and say wtf did I do but my wife is stubborn as well and everyone told her she was making a mistake. She is very prideful and never admits she is wrong either. I don't know what to tell you about the different advice as I am trying to figure it out myself.

[maybs]

My W is so stubborn and I know she's frustrated because her entire family and about 50% of her friends are telling her she's making a mistake.

The problem is the other 50% of her friends are encouraging her wayward behaviors...Which is super messed up. Especially as I know a few of these friend had come to us with their marriage problems in the past and we always encouraged them to speak with their H or W and work things out between them. And now that roles are reversed they're setting her up with her now ow/gf and encouraging her to just hurry up and leave me. Because "you can do better" "You deserve better"

I get that they are her friend and all buuutttt that doesn't seem to be the kind of behavior friends should be exhibiting.

My friends have been very supportive and encouraging of me no matter what I've decided to do and I know one of my best friends outright DISAGREES with me and she still encourages me to do what I think it best for me...

It just blow my mind.

I still really don't know what to do about that letter though. Like I said I feel like either way has benefits and negatives...

[maybs]

Well... I guess.
After talking with friends close to me and who know the situation inside out and who I know have my best interest at heart with my wanting to R.

I have decided that I should give her the letter.

I feel for my sanity and forgiveness it's important for me to give it to her and apologize for things.

A friend helped me see that it's more from the standpoint of "I wish things could be different but they aren't and that's okay, I'll be fine"

I had a rough few days I think it was stress about W but also about work and some other stuff and I just got a bit overwhelmed. I do feel better today and I saw someone else write that it's like "the door is closed but it's not locked." I like that.

I'm going to keep working on detaching again and getting on with things.

Tomorrow night BIL is coming to stay before his bike trip. I'm not sure if we are planning on having dinner or not. W is also supposed to stop by the house tomorrow to pick up her mail, she picked the one hour that she knows I'm home on Tuesday afternoons to come. Weird because between that time she should still be in work...so how can she be able to stop by the house then?? I'm not sure. Seems fishy.

My GAL earlier meeting a new friend for coffee was good. We just talked and got to know each other better for a couple of hours. Now I'm spending time snuggling with my attention deprived puppies.

[maybs]

Nothing new to report really.

So far today I feel pretty good. I feel a little nervous at the prospect of possibly seeing my W this afternoon. I haven't seen her in nearly 2 months.

I'm nervous because I know for both of us it was one of those instant attraction things. And I'm nervous about all of that bubbling back up for me or not feeling that way anymore. And if she will or won't feel that way.

I know it's useless to worry about that stuff but it still does make me nervous.

I guess we will see how it goes and if I even do end up seeing her or if she does even end up showing up at that time.

[hawker]

Hope you have a good time, stay strong with the W, it is always hard when you see them face to face!!! I know it makes you nervous, I get nervous at that as well....

[maybs]

I don't really feel like I had a reason to be nervous leading up to this. I think it had just been so long since I had seen her I didn't know what to expect or how she would act towards me in person.

She got here, she is driving ow's car apparently, so she didn't have her house key and couldn't get in. It kind of felt nice that she had to knock at her own house. Anyways I let her in and went back to the kitchen to finish unloading the dishwasher, which I had been doing when she arrived.

She came in and went to the living room to visit with the dogs, I could hear her talking to them about how she misses them so much and they must miss her and their sister (our other dog that she took). I continued focusing on the dishes. She came to the kitchen asked me about where her computer charger was I told her I didn't know that I only knew where mine was.

She asked me about when our dog that she has could take her medications and I told her she was supposed to have them 5 days ago so today would be best.

She told me she didn't have her house key because she has been driving ow and her dad's car for work so she doesn't go over her lease miles.. This did kind of upset me but only because I'm not okay with ow driving a car that my name is on. It bugs me...
She also told me again how she hates that she doesn't get home from work until so late and she took time off this afternoon because she knew she needed to stop here and she might join a carpool but then she will have to change her work schedule again and blah blah blah... I listened I validated when necessary saying things like "That must be very frustrating for you" or hard, etc.

She did ask me about mediation, if the place had called me yet and I said no and she kept saying "I don't want to be a hinderance" about it. I don't even know what that means. I seemed so loaded like what are you hindering? It seriously felt like she was saying "I don't want to be a hinderance to the divorce you want..." I don't know something for sure felt off about her saying that and the way she kept repeating it.

She said "well I should go" a few times but then made no move towards the door. She kept lingering and trying to talk and eventually I think she just ran out of small talk to try to talk to me so she left. She said have a good night and I said you too.

We did not even talk about the face that her brother and his family are coming to see me tonight. I don't even know if she remembers that that is tonight or not.

The whole time she was here one thing that kind of stuck out to me about her was she seemed really depressed and sad and just generally unhappy... I do hate to see her feeling that way but at the same time I'm not in a position where I feel like it's my responsibility.
I could also tell she was uncomfortable because she makes a weird face when she thinks something is uncomfortable and she kept doing that.

What I don't get is she could have picked a different day to come. A day when she had her house key and could have come and not had to see me...so why leave work early to come see me and then just make really awkward small talk??? I don't know I kept feeling like she was about to say something or talk to me about something else and then she just never did.

I know can't mind read. It was a curious encounter that's for sure.

Even more curious is the fact that I don't really feel influenced by it. Yes I was nervous leading up to it. I think it was just nervous anticipation but the actual exchange influenced me very little. I do miss her and still love her and can tell she's struggling with something but I no longer feel obligated to ask her about it or to try to help her solve it. This is her problem and she will need to figure it out on her own. I feel good about the whole thing in general. I feel like I presented my best self today and she saw that. I also listened and validated but stuck with my guns and didn't get sucked into asking her what was wrong like old me would have. I don't think it was nice to see her to not nice to see her. It just was what it was.

[hawker]

Sounds like you did great DBing...she wanted to see you that is why she picked that day. Like Cadet said on my thread she looked sad because she is searching for something to make her happy....

[maybs]

Hawk... I just don't even want to believe that after 8 weeks of actively avoiding me she finally wanted to see me.

Dinner was canceled for tonight BIL is still coming to stay and then my W's whole family is coming down to have dinner with me tomorrow night... No one told her or invited her and when she finds out she's going to be p!ssed.... and I'm just going to play dumb like "I didn't know you weren't invited, I'm sorry that happened to you." I don't feel it's my responsibility to invite her to family dinners with her own family! Maybe she shouldn't have cut them out.

[hawker]

No it is not your responsibility!!!! It is crazy how they wouldn't let her know they were coming. Does she not talk to them at all?

[maybs]

so partially just journaling partially in response to Hawker,

My BIL stayed with me last night before his bike trip. I have no intentions of bringing up W to him since he is her brother and I felt that would make it uncomfortable.

As soon as he got there he asked me if there was any chance of us reconciling. I didn't go into details I just said I was willing but he would have to talk to her about it.

He proceeded to tell me that not a single one of her family members is currently speaking to her and she makes no effort to speak or see any of them. I do find this curious because supposedly one of the reasons she's so happy she moved back to her hometown is she can see her family all the time (which she says I restricted her from doing) ironically, I see and speak to her family more frequently than she does. I was told she hasn't seen any of them since mid-July.

He also told me that he doesn't agree with her decision to leave me and he doesn't agree with her having this ow.

He also continuously told me that I should just cut ties and move on and "there's other fish in the sea".

He complained that she has been using FIL as a bank. Basically dumps our dog with him and has him finance weekend getaways with ow on his credit card. Which upsets me not because they take trips. I'm upset that she would use her own father like that. I have struggled financially through this and have made responsible adult choices to cut expenses to be able to afford the things that I want, I don't just run to daddy for money everytime I want something, and seeing that kind of behavior from a 31 yr old grown a55 woman with a good paying job...it's kind of disgusting.

I get why he tells me to move on. I know he cares for me and he will always tell me he doesn't like what W is putting me through, but I wish he would respect that I don't want to cut tie and just move on. I put a lot of time and effort into this relationship and on many levels I think if we were both willing to work at it, it would be successful again.

he also asked me about if she's being amicable with splitting everything up and I just told him we are seeing a mediator to deal with that.

Overall, it was super awkward and uncomfortable. Mostly because I was trying to not say anything specific about how I felt about her or the way she's been acting. I respected his need to vent his frustrations about his sister but I just listened and even caught myself validating without thinking about it!

I feel like so much "stuff" happened yesterday and I do find it quite interesting that I feel pretty unbothered by it all. I feel calm again.

[maybs]

Dinner plans changed again. I'm going to go up to SIL/BIL house and have dinner and play with my nieces after work.

For one paranoid second I did wonder if this was some ridiculous movie set up where they invite us both to dinner and don't tell us...

I don't think that's that case, just my paranoia. lol

[maybs]

Dinner last night went really well. I got there a little early and as usual dinner was delayed lol.

I played with my nieces who are 4 and almost 2. We played chase (basically the older one just likes to chase you around the house, kind of like tag) and hide and seek and the little one wanted me to read her like 20 books and we watched the older ones favorite show and she told me about her school, she starts school next week! And they love to have their pictures taken so we took some selfies lol.

I talked to my SIL and she said just what BIL said that no one has really seen or heard from her. She also said something about how when I'm over there I actually interact with and play with the kids and when W was going over there she kind of just sat there. She also told me that she told my W that she doesn't support her decision to leave me or to be with the ow but she also told her "it doesn't matter if people support you you can do what you want" which is technically true but I still wish she had maybe not said that part but oh well.

She invited me to the younger ones b-day and thanksgiving and said she knows my W will throw a fit but that holidays aren't about my W and she can choose not to come if she wants. the little ones b-day is hard, I think her party is going to be on my b-day which is fine and I want to go but I don't trust my W to not bring ow and that would be sh!tty to have to meet her on my b-day. But I've determined in my head if I ever do meet her someday I am going to be nice. It isn't entirely her fault and she didn't make my W do what she's doing. Plus she's young and in over her head and probably was not prepared to date a married woman... That's the other thing my SIL said about ow she said "she's nice. She's a child. She's a nice child." basically reinforcing what everyone else I know has said about her...

It breaks my heart a little because the older one is old enough to remember that she usually sees W and I together so she always is asking where she is... I just feel sad for her, she doesn't understand and I hate that this is even impacting her little 4 yo world.

I did give my W that letter on Tuesday and I told her it was in the bag with her mail and she could read it or not that there was no pressure. I'm trying to keep my expectations low. I don't even really expect her to read it, let alone actually try to talk to me at all about what it says. I haven't heard anything from her since she left the house that day.

Overall, I feel pretty good still. I am a little sad, mostly for my IL's and especially for my nieces, they just don't understand and that hurts me...

[maybs]

The mediator we are using just called to confirm the date.

It's in 3 weeks.

Not 5 minutes later W texted me to say she heard from the mediation place and "did I hear the correct date of x/x?"

Seriously... why? I got the exact same phone call she did and I heard it just fine...

[hawker]

Because she is a WW....lol

[cheesyt]

I say ignore her text. she spoke to a live person. I don't know what she needs to "verify". She can call the person back if she didn't hear correctly.

[JRuss]

Definitely ignore text! She either heard it and is messing with you, or she didn't, and she can call the office back, like a single adult would do.

[hawker]

I agree with Cheeyst and JRuss! She can do it herself!!

[Wonka]

Temp checking....

Let's move along, nothing to look at my friends.

[maybs]

Temp checking....

Let's move along, nothing to look at my friends.

lol Wonka.

I don't plan to respond. Not much new going on over here today.

Work is kicking my butt. Thinking about taking a run when I get out in a little bit just to get my mind off things and then probably just relax.

I didn't even realize I've been GAL like a crazy person this week and I need a break!

[maybs]

So after not responding to the text about the mediation date yesterday morning I am now getting a text that says "hey can you please respond to me?"

I assume that I would also ignore this?

[Coly23]

Maybe just go back and say 'about what?' and if she says the mediation date maybe say 'oh sorry, I thought that was a rhetorical question?' Or you could just ignore it. Why should you be helping to clarify something you don't want! Does she realise how much this is hurting you? Also you could say 'I really don't want to talk about it that's why I didn't respond. Just letting it all sink in'. This so hard isn't it!

I'm sure you will get clearer direction from one of the vets on here, I can barely deal with an Invitation from H to go to lunch with D on Saturday!!

[hawker]

I would think you should ignore but I also would let the vets weigh in..... Def temp checking

[maybs]

Thanks guys. So far I haven't responded.

Coly - I'm not even sure what I would do if my W invited me to lunch...I don't even see a world where that would happen at this point. I don't think she's thought about hurting me. Not in any real concrete way, because I don't think my W has fully realized the consequences of the A and D.

Hawk - I figured it was just a reiteration of the same temp check she did yesterday.

Still waiting for some more guidance on here from some vets...

[cheesyt]

I'm no vet but W is clearly looking for something. maybe "yeah" in like 12 hours though. maybe...

[maybs]

I'm still struggling with whether or not I want to respond at all. Like cheesy said it's just a yes or no.

Since then she has texted me again twice because she thought she messed up making her car payment and that she had accidentally made it from my account instead of hers. But then she figured that out.

Still waiting for those vets out there.

[maybs]

Lately I keep finding myself going back to wondering if my W is having an MLC or is she a WW...

I can't seem to figure it out.

Does anyone else know?????

[Wonka]

Maybs,

I can assure you that your W is just simply overwhelmed with her health issues, life, etc that she just walked away. It is definitely not MLC and I can say this as a former MLCer myself.

Stay the course and continue on your own DB path.

You're going in the right direction, sweetie.

[maybs]

Maybs,

I can assure you that your W is just simply overwhelmed with her health issues, life, etc that she just walked away. It is definitely not MLC and I can say this as a former MLCer myself.

Stay the course and continue on your own DB path.

You're going in the right direction, sweetie.

Thanks Wonka!

I'm glad you know what direction I'm going because I sure do not.

[hawker]

Yep, I agree with Wonka...my W has health issues as well, life issues and she just walked away...keep it up!

[maybs]

Thanks guys!

Nothing new really to report. Just trying to relax and enjoy my long weekend. Might go out for a walk/run later. Just watching movies and napping and relaxing and it's glorious! Giving my puppies some much deserved attention and some cleaning and laundry are in the works...

[hawker]

Sounds like a great relaxing weekend!!!! No college football?? 😀

[Coly23]

Sounds like a lovely weekend, have a good one!

[PsySara]

Just caught up on your situation. Your WW really seems to not realize what a divorce means. It means you don't answer her on her time, or ever if you don't want to. It means no more help with structuring her life, budgeting or emotional support. She is coming across as an extremely co-dependent and immature person. She is doing a lot of classic cheater behavior though, rewriting marital history, making the BS a villain, idealizing the OW. I am not sure if this comforts you but she is following the cheaters book line by line and that means she eventually will be slapped in the face with reality. Whether or not this happens before or after the divorce is in her court. You keep doing your DBing and taking care of you!

[maybs]

Thanks for stopping by PsySara!

She has become very co-dependent and immature over the past few months, I feel like as our mediation date and D gets closer she relies on me more instead of less, and then continually gets frustrated when I don't give her the support she wants. I feel like she expects me to still be acting as her wife.

I don't know if that comforts me or not either.

Thanks for the support!

[maybs]

I had a wonderful weekend. In which I did absolutely nothing and it was glorious. As an introvert sometimes the best "GAL" I can give myself is the gift of doing nothing and I often focus so hard on getting out there and having fun that I forget I can have a world of fun cooped up by myself. I didn't see anyone all weekend with the exception of one person who came to sit on the couch with me, I didn't talk on the phone, I did text some friends and such but other than that I kept completely to myself.

Spent the entire day (and I do mean entire, from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed) yesterday reading and getting some puppy snuggling in, even with my friend there she did her thing and I did mine and it was just a comfortable relaxing silence, where you can just sit with someone and have them be there but not need to be talking or doing anything.

I feel so much more recharged and ready to take on anything. I really needed that time alone.

[hawker]

Sounds like a great day Maybs!!

[maybs]

Just journaling

It feels weird to keep being able to say nothing new. But there's been nothing new regarding my W or our R. I honestly haven't even been thinking about her much which is kind of nice.

Nosey co-worker has been starting some rumors about my best friend and I (mostly that we have been/are dating) and today she said something to my face about how she's "okay with the whole gay thing..If that's what you're into. but isn't xx a little old for you". So I said "who do you think you are that you have any say in who I do or do not date. You don't know me or xx and you certainly don't know what our relationship is so don't presume to know me or my life and please keep your nose out of it."

And then I just walked away. I told my friend about it and the part she was upset about was being called old... It would be a lie if I said this was the first time that someone has assumed we are dating and I'm sure it won't be the last. We aren't dating btw. She is just seriously my best friend and we are super weird and do almost everything together and we do argue like we are married almost everyday especially about who is cooking dinner and what it is...

I get it. I get why people assume that about us. But we are truly just friends and either way I did not appreciate this woman who barely knows me assuming anything about my life.

Leaving work a bit early today to see my IC, don't have any real plans except making dinner I love to cook.
parmesan crusted tilapia and teriyaki vegetables with brown rice! Super excited!

[maybs]

Just journaling -

Still nothing new, still haven't heard from W and that's fine by me.

Had a good session with IC last night, it was the first time we didn't focus mainly on my W and the stress surrounding that situation. The flip side of that is we talked about my family of origin...which basically ended up blowing my mind. I feel like so much stuff makes so much more sense now.

I got really lucky finding my IC she's amazing at her job, we got on really well, and I always leave there with something to think about and a better understanding of myself.

Then I went and bought 3 pairs of heels for like 20 bucks! Steal!

Dealing with work today...bleh so glad it's Friday tomorrow!

Sorry for all the boring info lately. There's just not much happening over here in maybs world.

[maybs]

Oh one thing my IC did ask me that I found interesting because I never had thought about it before.
She asked if I felt like I was content living without my W.
I immediately said "Yes and I think it would be weird if we had to live together again at this point"

I don't really know even what I mean by that. Do I mean I don't want to have to live with her ever again? Or do I just mean it would be awkward and uncomfortable while we got used to it again? I don't know. I'm trying to not overthink it because right now that's not on the horizon anyways.

[hawker]

It's ok if it's boring right now, it's better than drama!!! Ha. Well since you have been alone for a little while it would be weird at first if she did come back.

[NYGal]

It's not boring at all; it's real life!
I like how you handled the co-worker. Sounds like she's a real pain with no life if she has to question yours! (Tell her: I'm okay with the whole straight thing, but could you keep your opinions to yourself?)

[maybs]

NYGal she is a real pain! She's just bored and one of those chronically displeased people who will never be happy no matter what you do. It was a bit difficult to remain calm with her during that situation and since then our interactions have been strained to say the least.

Nothing new going on over here. I'll be heading to my hometown this weekend. My grandma is celebrating her 90th birthday tomorrow so we are throwing her a big party. It will be the first time I see my family since BD not really looking forward to it. They are a very religious bunch who really tried to open their hearts to my W even though they disagree with same-sex relationships they loved me enough to make the effort. I'm curious to see what their reactions will be. Part of me doesn't even want to attend, I just don't want pity but I want to go for my gramma, she's getting up there and who knows how many more birthdays there will be.

Have resumed planning a trip for over Thanksgiving this year. W and I had planned to go to Florida for a week and see one of my best friends and when everything happened I cancelled the trip because I didn't think I could afford it on my own. I decided if I tried to plan it and nothing was going as planned then that was a sign I should go but I have the time off work approved and have a plan for my parents to take care of my dogs, everything is just kind of falling into place easily so it seems like the best thing.

Planning another trip for over Christmas time. Maybe to Tahoe to see my brothers? Maybe I'll just have a staycation and cuddle up and watch movies. We will see what happens.

I'm really excited. I've always loved travelling and when all of this started I kind of crushed my own trip dreams. But now that I'm back on my feet and doing good financially I see no reason not to make these trips on my own.

[maybs]

just checking in since it's been a few days.

Had a really great weekend. Saw my family for my gramma's birthday, nothing too exciting there.

Yesterday spent time with my SIL a nieces. We went to the small zoo that's near my house and the mall and then had dinner together. SIL did talk about my W a little bit. My nieces birthday is coming up and my W and I are both invited, she also told me she wasn't sure if my W would bring ow to my nieces party... I feel that would be rude not just to me but to her family but if she is there I'll suck it up and be polite because I'm focused on being the best me I can be. I told her I wouldn't make it to Thanksgiving this year since I was going to be in Florida and she told me that means I have to come to Christmas. She told me my W is being a real sh!thead. (her words not mine).

I guess a few weeks ago when my other SIL was in town my IL's minus my W went out and ended up talking about how much they miss me.

SIL still thinks that there's a chance my W is going to change her mind and she said she knows that my W has been feeling super overwhelmed and is really struggling.

IDK, I guess I can understand why SIL thinks that there's still hope and at the same time I don't really feel like I care at this point.

A few weeks ago my BIL expressed concern that maybe I should have no contact at all with their family because it would make it harder for me to move on and be happy. SIL said he's pretty much over that now. I did tell SIL that all things considered I am actually very happy with my life right now and I don't feel that being in contact with them has made moving forward and focusing on me any harder.

I was actually surprised. I didn't bring up my W at all, everything we talked about mostly came from SIL. The only thing that killed me inside a little was my older niece asked me "where's aunt xx. why isn't she here?" and I just told her "aunt xx was busy today and she couldn't come." and my niece then said "I miss her, I haven't seen her in a long time" and it just killed me, like literally I felt my heart break for this kid.

Work this week is going to be rough! so much to do and so little time!

Hope every one else's weekend went well!

[hawker]

Sounds like you are doing good as well!! Its so sad for the kids, they don't understand it yet. I texted my SIL and MIL because both of them had birthdays...they said they both love me and hope that I am doing ok...and don't know what my W is doing but whatever...

We have to keep going forward!!! Have a great day!

[maybs]

Nothing new to report here really. Been super swamped at work.

The department I work in keeps taking on more and more projects and we just don't have the time or man power to take on as much as we have. I'm struggling with the conundrum of how do I have time to get my work down when I have to be in meetings all day every day!?!? and then more and more projects just keep getting piled onto my plate and I'll never catch up.

Our section is going to be hiring a performance analyst and I think I might talk with my manager about me possibly applying for it. It is a step up in position for me and I have the education and some experience but I want to talk to her about it beforehand to know if it would even be worth my while and if they would consider me.

Other than that, my dog keeps getting stuck under the couch...

That's about all for me.

[hawker]

Hahaha...well my dog is wanting to drink beer with my friends and I so....he might get stuck under the couch some day!

[Coly23]

That's so cute! We had a rabbit who used to hide under ours!

[maybs]

Haha I'm not sure why he keeps going under there I feel like by now he should know he's going to get stuck!

Still not much happening over here. Work has been super stressful as I mentioned. I work in a position where I am required to be extroverted and a "people person" pretty much at all times but naturally I'm quite introverted. While I love my job and the work I do sometimes I just need a break from all interaction. So last night I canceled some dinner plans with FA and set my phone to do not disturb mode and relaxed. FA being FA and knowing me so well did come by and sit with me but we didn't really talk at all we just sat there and watched movies. She gets me lol.

Rescheduled dinner for tomorrow night.

I found that in the beginning I made some 180s and behavior changes that just didn't work for me so I have stopped doing those. I do what feels right for me. I don't want to make changes that are not something I'm happy with doing for the rest of my life.

I've been working with my IC on stuff around my family still and sometimes that's exhausting... it's a lot of stuff to dig up and trudge through and try to deal with but I know it needs to be done.

Overall, I'm doing really really well. Like I said I love my job and most days look forward to going to work. I have kept the GAL activities that are things I love to do and cut the rest that were just filler activities. I've lost the feeling that I need to be doing something at all times in order to not think about my situation and even when I'm home alone I don't find myself thinking about it really at all.

I'm still 100% focused on me and have really made myself my top priority. Last night proved that to me. Normally I'm that person that hates canceling plans and would have gone to dinner anyways and been a little on edge and irritated the entire time but instead I recognized that I needed space and I took it for myself.

It's odd but writing this made me think about what my top priorities are and I can honestly say that my W didn't even make the list. In some ways that does hurt but in other ways it feels kind of liberating and gives me an overall sense of freedom because I'm putting all of this behind me. I'm on my own journey and I feel like I've reached a stage of acceptance over all of this and it just is what it is. I don't feel the need to try to manipulate or control the outcome. I'm turning into a better version of myself. I can see it and feel it on a daily basis and I am someone only a fool would leave.

[maybs]

Still over here. Still DB-ing (I think). Still focused on me.

Work is still stressful..so much to do, so little time!

There's a lot of stuff coming up in the next few weeks.
Today is W's birthday - which I do not plan to acknowledge
Thursday - mediation
next week my nieces birthday party (which we are both invited to) I plan to attend but not sure if W will be there or not.
And then a couple days after that my bday.
The day after that our first court date
A couple weeks after that our last court date at which point I assume D will be finalized? Not sure how that works really.
So all that takes place in the next 30 days...

Like I said haven't really talked to her much in the last couple of weeks. She had been contacting me nearly everyday and then she just kind of stopped, which I'm fine with.

Our most recent convo was Friday. She texted me to ask if it was okay for her to stop by the house and drop something off for me (which I thought was her FINALLY respecting my boundary of not entering my home without giving me warning). I said "sure, I won't be home" since the time she choose is when she knows I'm still at work. To which she responded again with "is that okay? Or would you prefer for me to stop by when you are home." I just said up to you. As this particular time I did not care if I was home or not since she was just dropping something off. She texted me again and said she would have to wait because she didn't have her house keys with her. Which I didn't respond to because I felt that made the entire convo pointless...She knew I would still be at work at that time and was planning on stopping by so what was her original plan of getting into the house if she didn't have keys??? It was stupid. Whatever.

Had a nice relaxing weekend again. Back at it today with trying to catch up on work between my many meetings.

[MoveFrwd]

I found that in the beginning I made some 180s and behavior changes that just didn't work for me so I have stopped doing those. I do what feels right for me. I don't want to make changes that are not something I'm happy with doing for the rest of my life.

Theres a user named CaliGuy that recommended the following:

Make three lists of 10 -
List 1 is things you like about yourself
List 2 is 10 things you dont like about yourself (be it things your W didnt like or you dont like)
List 3 is 10 things you admire in other women

Then your 180s should focus on moving things from lists 2 and 3 into list 1. That way you can give yourself some direction in how you want to improve.

[cheesyt]

darkness - i love what you posted. I'm going to give it a try.

maybs, try to keep focused on you and work. I know you have lots of things coming up that are tough and not fun. you'll get through them!

[hawker]

I agree, that is a good post from darkness....gonna try it as well! Hang in there Maybs, you seem to be doing good, it will be tough but you can do it!!

[maybs]

I don't know if you two have tried making these lists yet... But I'm finding it difficult!

I think maybe I just have too much going on to focus on it properly...

[hawker]

I have not tried it yet. So did you make it through the the day yesterday ok?

[MoveFrwd]

I don't know if you two have tried making these lists yet... But I'm finding it difficult!

I think maybe I just have too much going on to focus on it properly...

Yeah....it isnt easy to objectively look at who you are and figure out how to improve yourself.

It's easy to say "Im going to go to the gym!" and while thats good, we typically dont get divorced because of being a little bit out of shape.

I'd recommend to take some time out to try to really focus as you go through the exercise. Its a life-shaping event!

[hawker]

Good luck tomorrow Maybs! Let us know how your mediation went. (((Maybs)))

[maybs]

Mediation was yesterday. I did technically get what I wanted and somehow I still feel crappy about it.

W was super different then she has been. I've been trying not to think about it too much but what I look at yesterday compared to when she moved out I see a huge difference.

When she moved out she was angry and spiteful and basically told me she hated me in a thousand different ways. Then we didn't speak at all for a month. Then all of August she would text or call me nearly everyday to temp check me. I saw her the last day of August and she was completely withdrawn from me, couldn't even look me in the eyes to hold a conversation, but yet she kept lingering like she wanted to talk.

Since the end of August I haven't really spoken to her at all. She only temp checked me a couple times. The only time I initiated contact was to wish her a happy birthday, but that's all I said.

Then yesterday...she was so different towards me. Our big issue was the house and I honestly don't think she decided to let me keep it until she was sitting in that room with me looking at my face. I didn't pressure her to give it to me, she's known I wanted it and I knew she wasn't sure she would agree to that. While we were waiting for our agreement to by typed and printed so we could sign she actually talked my ear off. About everything, things she hasn't talked to me about at all in months.
- her job and a bunch of details about it that she's excited about.
- her health stuff - medical equipment she's getting and is going to have to learn to use. Her C-peptide levels on her most recent blood work. How her insulin needs have changed drastically as her body creates less and less on its own.

A bunch of other stuff. I listened and validated and I felt like that's all I could do. I can't offer her support for those things like I used to, she fired me. And it felt weird that suddenly she was turning to me for these things and in my head I just kept thinking "why don't you tell ow about this? Why aren't you turning to her to support you?"

I have been kind of down since the mediation. But not because of anything she said or did. It just is the mediation itself. This still isn't what I want but I've accepted that it's what she wants and that's fine. Mediation just made it so real and it's got me in a weird space...

[PsySara]

Be gentle on yourself, no one ever expects to be sitting in a room dividing up stuff with someone we thought we'd grow old with. I's ok to feel whatever you're feeling. Eventually you'll be back to your strong and confident self.

[Coly23]

Mediation is a big deal Maybs so as Sara said give yourself a break and allow yourself to feel down for a bit.

Just remember you got over a huge obsticle and you are still standing. From now on you know you can face any challenge and you won't break. You are getting stronger every time....

[maybs]

Thanks Sara and Coly. I have been taking it easy on myself. I know it's normal to feel a little down about everything and I think I'm pretty much recovered from the experiences.

Really nothing will change too much for me anyways. We had pretty much separated everything when she moved out so it was really just putting it all in writing.

Haven't heard from her since.

Not going to lie to cheer myself up a bit a bought myself a few thing yesterday. I needed some new black boots and I got a super good deal (75% off!!) so I got 2 pairs and then I went to the mall and got myself a few new pairs of jeans and also ordered myself a new video game.

I also bought my niece her presents for her birthday next Friday.

It was great therapy, getting to treat myself to some things (even if they were practical things that I realistically did need for winter, well minus the video game). Plus the mall is a good half hour from my house so driving there and jamming to some music was also good therapy.

I feel much better today.

[hawker]

I love shopping therapy!!! Hahah..I bought myself a new 65 inch tv and a sectional sofa for the living room!! LOL

Glad you are feeling better today!!

[job]

New Thread:

Maybs - Pt 4 - where to now?