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maybs #2696833 08/15/16 07:02 AM
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Originally Posted By: maybs
But at what point is it okay for me to just be happy. Regardless of R


In my opinion, when you're ready to treat the WS as "just another fish in the sea", then it's time to consider dating again. I think if you need to date "provisionally", then you are doing it as bandaid or to get back at the WS.

As Cadet says, there's no reason to start a new relationship until you're finished with the old one.

MoveFrwd #2696887 08/15/16 10:26 AM
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I know I could not date someone at this point, hopefully I will know when I am ready if it comes to that....I am still no over my old relationship and I really have no desire to get into a new one....being alone is fine with me for now!


W:42 M:48
T:9 yrs M:1yr
BD: Feb 2016
EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016
D: Feb 2017

maybs #2696918 08/15/16 11:40 AM
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I just realized earlier that I only have until the end of the week to file my answer to being served D papers.

My W was supposed to get back to me about mediation today but haven't heard anything from her yet. I got my manager to allow me to leave work a little early on Thursday so I can make it to the court house before it closes so I guess W has until then to let me know about mediation.

I found this thing when I was doing some reading a little bit ago and I thought I would just but it here it's about learning to tolerate unpleasant feelings:

"Practice observing your own unpleasant feelings, whenever they occur, without letting them throw you off balance. Try focusing on your breath, instead of you unhelpful thoughts, until you feel calmer. Unpleasant feelings are often produced by chemicals, which come and go. If you learn to recognize and tolerate the temporary chemical spurts, you'll keep your balance better. Once you're calmer, you can more easily look beyond your immediate, unhelpful thoughts. It also helps to remember that our partners aren't wholly responsible for our unpleasant feelings. It might seem like their actions are the sole cause, but sometimes their actions merely trigger some greater pain from our past." Joel Almeida

I just felt like this really spoke to me today and I know calming myself and diverting my negative feelings has been something that I've been working on throughout this process. And I think this is something that a lot of people here could use a reminder of sometimes. We are all just trying to do the best we can. smile

Hope everyone is having a good Monday!


W:32 M:26
T:5 yrs M: 3 yr
BD: JUN 2016
W Moved out: early JUL 2016
W Filed for D: mid JUL 2016
EA: 06/16?
PA: 07/16
Moved in w/ ow: 07/16
D final: 10/16
maybs #2696926 08/15/16 12:11 PM
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her avoidance is due to the fact that, if she were talk w this with me I'd try to persuade her to slow things down and change her mind - and she doesn’t want to feel vulnerable again. So she’s ‘protecting herself through distancing’. says that the ‘least interested person in a relationship has power over a relationship’, and ‘if she has felt in the past she didn’t have power in the relationship she is not likely to let go of that power’

I stole this from a different post and just wanted to put it here for me to be able to easily find and reflect on later when I have the time.


W:32 M:26
T:5 yrs M: 3 yr
BD: JUN 2016
W Moved out: early JUL 2016
W Filed for D: mid JUL 2016
EA: 06/16?
PA: 07/16
Moved in w/ ow: 07/16
D final: 10/16
maybs #2697068 08/16/16 04:38 AM
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Well, my W contacted me last night about mediation again. At first it was a fine conversation and then all the sudden she kicked in with her attitude and started giving me a hard time about everything!

Then she brought up that she wants us to try to settle this on our own without lawyer and told me about some book her friend who is a lawyer said we could use. And I told her I don't feel comfortable with that because I don't want to mess it up. Really what I meant was "I want everything to be legally binding so in 6 months you can't try to f**k me over"

And of course she expects me to do all the heavy lifting and call around to places and find a mediator.. I'm conflicted about this because Yes I was the one that asked for a mediator but I only asked for one because she filed for D...

Sometimes when I interact with the person my W is now I feel like I will never want to R with this person. I know that's partially because she's so drastically different than she was a few months ago but it does make me wonder if maybe I am just better off without her.


W:32 M:26
T:5 yrs M: 3 yr
BD: JUN 2016
W Moved out: early JUL 2016
W Filed for D: mid JUL 2016
EA: 06/16?
PA: 07/16
Moved in w/ ow: 07/16
D final: 10/16
maybs #2697262 08/16/16 03:50 PM
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How was your day...anymore word from the W? Yes, they are not the people we married that is for sure....I think she should call around but I see you wanting to protect yourself as well....


W:42 M:48
T:9 yrs M:1yr
BD: Feb 2016
EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016
D: Feb 2017

hawker #2697340 08/17/16 05:01 AM
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I'm going to call. I know she won't and like I said I don't want to end up getting scr3wed in all of this.

Plus, to be completely honest, I've been thinking about it a lot and I love my W that's not a question. But I feel like I just want this to be done. I don't want to drag it out, I just want it to be over so I can move on.

And quite frankly, if there was ever going to be a world in which we would R it would be after she hits bottom and pulls herself back up and I don't think she will do that until she loses everything. And no matter how much I tell her and show her I'm not here for her. I know in her mind I always will be. And the best thing for me right now is to be completely disconnected and away from her.

I don't know. I feel like more and more often I just feel like I'm better off now that we are S than I was for the last year when we were together.

No we didn't have a bad M. We didn't fight and in general things were good and most of our friends were envious of our R. but there are some things that time and distance has clarified for me and I am not willing to put up with them anymore and I don't know that they are things she would ever be willing to change.

I don't know. I can't say there would never be a time or place where R would be possible for us but I think it's at least a year away and I'm not going to drag out this D for that long. It's not what's best for me, I just want to move on with my life and now that I've found happiness without her... I feel like I can do that.
What really sealed the deal for me was last night my friend was showing me some of the stuff she posts with her new gf on FB and it has literally no influence on me. I did not care one iota, it felt weird to not care but I didn't. Even thinking about it now to write this it just doesn't matter.

I just want to be happy and do what's right for me. And right now I think that's just getting this over with and moving on with my life. I've actually been happier these past few weeks without her. Sure I miss her but I miss who she used to be not this other alien.


W:32 M:26
T:5 yrs M: 3 yr
BD: JUN 2016
W Moved out: early JUL 2016
W Filed for D: mid JUL 2016
EA: 06/16?
PA: 07/16
Moved in w/ ow: 07/16
D final: 10/16
maybs #2697341 08/17/16 05:03 AM
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Originally Posted By: maybs

I don't know. I can't say there would never be a time or place where R would be possible for us but I think it's at least a year away and I'm not going to drag out this D for that long. It's not what's best for me, I just want to move on with my life and now that I've found happiness without her... I feel like I can do that.


I would like to clarify that I'm not waiting or hoping for this to happen, I just personally feel that you can never rule anything out. Just because it's possible doesn't mean I want it. Like technically I feel that any ex at any time could come back and want to R that doesn't mean I would...

I don't know if that made sense


W:32 M:26
T:5 yrs M: 3 yr
BD: JUN 2016
W Moved out: early JUL 2016
W Filed for D: mid JUL 2016
EA: 06/16?
PA: 07/16
Moved in w/ ow: 07/16
D final: 10/16
maybs #2697866 08/18/16 07:59 PM
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How you doing Maybs?


W:42 M:48
T:9 yrs M:1yr
BD: Feb 2016
EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016
D: Feb 2017

hawker #2697911 08/19/16 05:05 AM
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I'm doing really well. Yesterday was a bit crazy. Had a super full day at work so of course that was the day my computer decided not to cooperate.

I also spoke with a place to get our mediation going and what we are looking at timeline wise to get that over with. I had to go to the court house to file my answer and counterclaim. Since the courthouse closes before I can leave work I left work a little early and then when I was done I went home and took a nap...and it was wonderful.

Then my W called me for an hour to talk about everything. I kept my answers short and distant, not because I'm even trying to DB her anymore but just because I have nothing to say to her. It seemed like she kept bringing things up to keep the conversation going. We were on the phone for like 45 minutes but we were talking about things we actually needed to discuss like splitting up certain things and our ideas about everything going into mediation. I also wanted to talk to her about our nieces, they are technically her brothers children but I have been in their lives since they were born and I told her I did not foresee a time when I wouldn't want to be in their lives and that I would like for her and I to get to a place where I can be at birthday parties and such.

And then she just kept trying to talk to me and ask me about my job (which she has not once asked me about since I started last month) and then she wanted to talk to me about missing the dogs and how she's struggling so much financially and blah blah blah. And I just got to a point where I told her I had to go just because I didn't want to hear it anymore.

I still feel really good about everything and I feel like each day that goes by kind of solidifies that I want this D as well. I'm happy with how my life is right now, I feel like everything is falling into place and I'm in a good space mentally and emotionally.

This is going to sound harsh but quite frankly I just feel like I don't care. I don't care what she's doing with her life, I didn't even realize it until after the phone call but not once did I ask her anything about her life or day or work or anything, everything she told me she offered up on her own. And I told her nothing about myself.


W:32 M:26
T:5 yrs M: 3 yr
BD: JUN 2016
W Moved out: early JUL 2016
W Filed for D: mid JUL 2016
EA: 06/16?
PA: 07/16
Moved in w/ ow: 07/16
D final: 10/16
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