Maybs - Pt3

[maybs]

My last thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2694547#Post2694547

Nothing much to report here. Date went really well. It was fun, easy, but I miss my W and would have rather been with her but since that wasn't an option this was a good alternative.

[hawker]

Glad you got out and had some fun! I think we all would rather be with our spouses but until then keep on GALing!

[cheesyt]

glad I'm not the only one doing things wishing I was with her instead.

glad you had fun maybs.

[maybs]

Just an update:

So since quite a few people know about my going on a date (my SIL and a close mutual friend of ours and a couple others) I figured that at some point someone would tell my W that I was "dating" again (even if their intentions were good).
So I decided that I wanted her to hear it from me because I know how terrible it felt to find out about her relationship from someone else.

So I texted her and said "it isn't an emergency or anything but there's something that I would like to talk to you about if you could call me when you have a few minutes." I figured that she wouldn't call me until later tonight because I knew they had family plans for the day since her sister is in town but of course she called me right away!

So conversation went something like this:
W: hey, what's up?
me: So I just had something that I wanted to talk to you about if you have a second
W: okay...
me: I just want to be honest and tell you that I have begun dating again and I know that you have been dating someone as well, I just didn't want you to hear it from someone else.
W: (long pause) (insert super snarky attitude here) okay, well I guess thanks for telling me. I didn't tell you about me dating because I didn't think that you were in a place to understand what I was saying.
me: okay, I'm not trying to fight with you about this, I was just trying to tell you that I'm dating
W: Okay but I did tell you that I was talking to someone
me: okay, I didn't call to have this argument, I was just trying to make sure that you heard this from me instead of someone else.
W: (continue snarky attitude through this whole conversation) Well. good. it's good that we both get back out there. Even if our relationships are not lasting relationships.

At this point I just said that I had to go. She tried to continue the conversation by talking to me about mediation and her lawyer and stuff and I just said you can let me know about your lawyer another time I have to go.

I was genuinely trying to be nice. I didn't want her to hear about this from someone else because I know how much that [censored]. And I know that I shouldn't have said anything about knowing that she has a gf but I felt like she was living in la la land pretending I had no clue that she was dating someone else.

Whatever, I don't know my friend thinks that it was her just reacting out of anger and jealousy. I did kind of put her on the spot and I know she did not expect me to start "dating" any time soon. As my friend said I might not ever know what she really thinks about it but it will probably at least take her a few days to think about and process what I said to her and figure out how she feels about it...

So Idk. I spent my day over at my friends new house helping her with some things like painting the garage and a bunch of other stuff around the house. It was actually really fun just hanging out with her and her daughter and telling her about my date and it was really relaxing and fun.

I don't feel like my W's reactions really did anything to me. I did on some level expect that reaction so I wasn't really surprised, it didn't feel great but I'm mostly over it. It did get me down for a few minute and I just sat there and then I got up and moved on and kept working and having fun.

[maybs]

The conversation I had with my W yesterday about me dating really didn't bug me at the time.

And now the further I get from it the more it kind of does irritate me but only because she was kind of rude to me about the whole thing...
Really it just brings up this feeling of "what right does she really have to be upset about this?"

And also a little bit of a feeling that she tried to use my own feelings against me by saying "you weren't in a state to understand what I was saying" How the F do you know what state I'm in? And even if you THINK you know you don't because guess what you aren't in my head and I haven't explicitly told you how I'm feeling.

[MoveFrwd]

Hey maybs -

I guess I missed something last week. Curious as to why you started dating again so soon. I don't understand the logic of "if WW is doing it, then it's ok if I do it". It just sounds like you are trying to "get back at her". And if you can't even use the word "dating" without being in quotes, then is it really something that you need to run across WW's radar anyway? Again, it reads to me like you just want to hurt her, but I could be wrong.

[maybs]

It isn't really about hurting her. I just happened to find someone that I really get along with and have fun with and am happy when I'm around this person. I've been talking to this person for a few weeks and felt extremely guilty about it and at some point last week I just realized I shouldn't feel guilty for feeling happy right now.

I only use dating in quotes because I've been completely up front with this person and while yes we are dating she knows that there are circumstances under which I would still want to R with my W and work on our MR.

I only told my W about it at all because I felt like it was getting to the point where enough people knew that eventually she would find out either intentionally or unintentionally and I didn't want her to find out in the same way that I did, from someone else.

I really wasn't trying to get back at her or hurt her. I felt that since we are technically still married she had a right to know.

[MoveFrwd]

So what is your goal?

If it's to R with W, do you think this brings you closer to it?

[maybs]

My goal is to focus on me and do what's right for me.

If that leads to R, okay and if not okay.

Right now, I cannot sit around and wait for my W to get her stuff together. And I know you aren't waiting your making yourself a better person and GAL and everything else and unfortunately for W while I was GAL I meet someone that I like to spend time with.

At this moment does my having this other relationship bring us closer? No.

[maybs]

But at what point is it okay for me to just be happy. Regardless of R