Trying to detach - ugh...

[Coly23]

Thanks Cherry and Gump. Feeling a little bit calmer this evening.

Cherry, I agree I am thinking about the detaching too much and Gump I'll definitely look up that song.

I agree Gump, my D is very wise beyond her years and sometimes she puts me to shame. I mentioned on my birthday how awful it is that my husband has chosen not to be with me. She reminded me of a dear friend of ours who had a birthday just a few short months after his W took her life after a long illness and that at least I have some hope of reconciliation whereas he had none. She completely stopped me in my tracks.

Sometimes I do have moments of clarity where I feel really strong and in control. I can see the path that I want to follow and understand now that its ok if every now and again I have a wobble and accidentally stray into the deep dark woods of despair. When that happens I know I just need to navigate through my emotions and get back to that path.

I had a thought this evening. Apart from my regular emotional breakdowns and analysing everything that H does and says I don't think I am doing to bad with DB-ing. I've pulled right back on contact with H, I've stopped the cake eating by not doing family night, I don't engage in any R talk whatsoever (although I've come close a million times) and I've let go of trying to fix everything, especially the relationship between H and D.

However as you say Cherry I need to stop consciously thinking that I need to detach. I think I've been looking at DB-ing as separate units of an exam and I need to complete each unit with a positive result being the assessment. It's not an exam it's a choice. I have the choice to beg, plead, scream and stomp and tell him what he has done is wrong with the absolute result that it will push H to escape as far away as possible from me. Or I have the to choice to recognise that H is flesh and blood like me. He has emotions and feelings, fears and hopes and at the moment he is acting on his feelings which is exactly what I am doing. So I have the choice to step back and allow him his feelings whilst allowing myself to grow as an individual.

I know my moment of clarity might be gone tomorrow with a flash of a memory or thought and I will be a hot mess of tears again but I need to keep reminding myself that I have come such a long way in just three months and that if I hadn't found this website I would not have found you lovely people to prop me up when I don't feel I can carry on. For sure if I hadn't found you all my sich would have been in much more trouble than it is now.

I promise I am going to listen and learn from now on. At the end of the day what have I got to lose!! Thank you all so much!

[Cherry]

Wow, that really is wisdom beyond her years. What a smart kid!

We all have those moments, more so in the early days of our situation. We're hurting, and sometimes we just feel like acting on our emotions. I think the more we db, the more we start thinking about our interactions and the effect that they will have.

You're doing just great, just keep at it this site and all the lovely people keep us going and pick us back up when we feel like we can't go on anymore.

[Coly23]

Thanks Cherry! On cue, I'm back to a blubbering, meh sort of day!

So when I first staring DB I put some goals together which I now look at but don't think they fit me anymore. My goals were:

1. I would like H to initiate contact to find out how I am doing
2. I would like H to put his wedding ring back on
3. I would like H to invite me out for coffee or a drink
4. I woukd like H to come home by Decembet

Pretty lame don't you think and all entered around H. No wonder I'm no further forward!

So these are my new goals:

1. Improve my physical health.
How - Go back to the gym at least three times a week starting from now
How - take up a new activity like badminton
How will I know it's working - I become healthier, fitter and cuter! I will improve my hand eye coordination!

2. Improve mental health
How - book some counselling sessions - today!
How will I know it's working: I will be able to understand my emotional responses better, what triggers them and have the tools to cope with them
How - book an appointment with a DB coach to see if I am in the right track
How will I know it is working: my relationship with H will start to improve

3. Improve my happiness health
How- Restart my guitar lessons in September
How - see more of my friends, at least once a week
How - act as if I am happy
How will I know it's working: I stop crying every day, start smiling because I want to not because I have to, stop feeling like a victim, start feeling optimistic about the future

4. Detach
How - Only interact with H on anything to do with D. Do not include any cute emojis on texts or continue the conversation beyond what I originally contacted him about.
How - try to be unavailable when he comes over to pick up/drop off D
How - make sure all interactions with H are positive, don't do to much talking, let him lead
How - don't ask friends/D what H is up to
How - let him come to me if he wants his stuff
How will I know it's working: I don't feel like H's actions affect me anymore, my life isn't centered around our relationship, I recognise that I can cope and live without him

That enough for now but if you visit my post please can you review and let me know what you think. I will welcome any suggestions, tweaks or changes...

[roist]

Your first set of goals were not lame, but they were dependent on someone else and hence difficult for you to work towards and hence achieve.

Now the latest goals are much more workable.I would probably add to goal three to understand detachment better. There are many threads here that outline detachment plus livestrong cover it pretty well.

Maybe add some fun into your goals

Best wishes

[Coly23]

Thank you Roist. I definitely need to understand detachment better, it's causing me a lots of sleepless nights!

With the fun goals I thought gong out with friends and restarting guitar would be considered fun, is there anything else you would suggest?

[Cristy]

Improve mental health
How - book some counselling sessions - today!
How will I know it's working: I will be able to understand my emotional responses better, what triggers them and have the tools to cope with them
How - book an appointment with a DB coach to see if I am in the right track
How will I know it is working: my relationship with H will start to improve

Hi Coly23,

Your new goals are much more focused on you and what you have control over. Bravo!

I can actually help you with your goal of speaking with a DB Coach. Please call me at 303-444-7004 and we can talk about the best time to schedule a session. I would also like to offer you a discount.

Regards,

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Cherry]

These goals are great. I think your first draft are normal when we arrive here and we don't have a grasp on db-ing properly. Our minds are in a spin and we just want to see actions of our spouse. It takes time to realise we can't make goals centred around them, as they are simply out of our control.

Your new ones are great, do-able and a great way of how you are going to do them and how you will know if you're getting there. Right them down somewhere where you will be able to regularly refresh yourself and also see your progress.

You're doing great

[Coly23]

Thanks Cherry!

Well had my first DB consultation with Chuck. I think it went really well. I was so confused if I was doing LTR or going dark and if either of those methods suited my sich. He really put my mind at ease and made me see that it isnt all back and white and that every such is different so what worked for one sich nay not work for another.

He suggested that I try to be a friend to H which disturbed me at first but he reminded me that we had been friends for nine years before we got together so friendship is fundamental to our relationship in order to rebuild. I actually cried when he said that because it hadn't crossed my mind that our friendship was such a huge part of our relationship but I think we just lost it along the way.

I told him about going dark and the family evenings which I have now put a stop to because I thought that H might be cake eating but that we did all enjoy it. Chuck suggested that if we enjoyed it then we should carry it on so I texted H this evening and asked if he wanted to come to Sunday lunch or dinner and he came back and suggested that we could also go to the cinema. For me that's really positive that he suggested an additional activity.

These are the smallest baby steps and although it may take a while to get any results I feel a bit more in control of my sich. I've now got to write 50 things on my bucket list as my homework.. I hate homework.. Ooh is that washing up that needs to be done...

[ForGump]

This is revolutionary! And I like it! I really hope it works for you.

What was Chuck's view on cake-eating? Doesn't he think that giving your H what he wants will just implicitly approve and perpetuate his behavior? Not criticizing Chuck and his approach; just want to understand it well.

[Coly23]

Mmm, what he said was to stop doing things that look as if I am punishing H which I guess I am doing if I stop family night.

Also it's about doing things that get results and I think I might have been getting some small results that I may not have noticed like when he started bringing a bottle of wine over or suggested he gets a takeaway for us rather than me cook.

After my consultation I also had a thought about the whole distances and pursuer thing and about how my H hadn't been great at the whole pursuing thing anyway when we first got together so if I left it to him to pursue me I might be waiting a very long time! Please don't get me wrong, I'm not going to start bombarding him with texts asking him to come out on dates etc. but for now I am going to try family night and be the friend I used to be to him all those years ago.

Also my daughter saw him yesterday for a couple of hours and apparently he asked lots of questions about how I was and if I had a nice birthday etc so again I think it's a positive that he is thinking if me....