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Happy birthday by the way.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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(((Coly)))

My dear, it is the worst pain--a roller coaster of emotions, anxiety, fear, desperation, and anger--I am so sorry. I know every sitch is diff, but I FEEL your pain and I have felt it in all the worst ways! When I found out my H was having an EA with one of our friends, I was sick about it, and then he ran to her for almost a year. I didn't eat, sleep, cried every day, and felt anxious and sick all the time. I lost 35 pounds (I am not overweight) and was hanging on by a thread. My poor kiddos picked up on a lot of it and suffered too.

So you must take care of yourself! Eat healthy, try and sleep, exercise, find a therapist that you click with, try sleep aids or AD if you need them, and lean on your safe people! Tell them you don't need advice, but just support right now. I texted and called my friends and close family multiple times a day, every day! They kept my head above water. I was in the darkest place for a long time! But I did survive and I know you will too.

That being said, I cannot see any benefit to turning to H right now. I agree with Roist 100%. Even if he knows how much he is hurting you and feels terribly guilty, and even if he did give the M another shot, it will not work. That is codependent and unhealthy to want to rescue someone. He ended the M right now and he has made his choice. He has to work on himself and figure out what he wants for this to work again. Then for the M to work, he will need to come to you and be remorseful--you will know when this happens, but it can take a very long time. My H actually felt terribly guilty when he was gone, and tried to come back, but it never worked. He had to miss me and see me moving on and that took time.

H needs to see you moving on without him, he needs to see what he is losing, and people are attracted to those that are healthy and strong. It feels counterintuitive because you are hurting and need support right now. We are here for you. Go to those that love you and that you trust. Going to H right now may offer temporary comfort, and it feels a relief to to get things off your chest, but if your end goal is to get your M back, you must give him the space and time he is taking.

(((Coly))) This is the hardest thing in life, so take it one day at a time, I promise things will change.

-Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Happy birthday lovely.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. And I echo what the others have told you regarding reaching out to him.

I think people around us mean well, they tell us either we're better than this and to walk away. Or they think that we can talk our way back together. They don't read the db-ing principles and they're telling us to do half of the things that we thought would help before we landed here.

Behind closed doors away from him, feel your pain but try your best to do something for you. Weather it's going out, or simply giving yourself a little pamper. Anything that helps you to look after you. You don't want him back out of pity, likewise you don't want to appear an emotional wreck to him as that won't appear attractive.

It is hard, I'm on the journey with you. And lots have been there and worn the tshirt.

Enjoy your day with those who love you. And if you want to acknowledge his birthday wishes, a simple thank you would suffice.

Big hugs


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
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Happy birthday Coly.

So many of us here understand and share your pain.

All the nice behavior from your H is to assuage his own guilt. He's confused and doing you no favors if he's texting you kiss emoticons. I think your response should be just a simple thank you.

If he truly cared for you, he knows what you want, he knows where to find you. You don't deserve him in the state he is in right now.

I hope you do something nice -- w/ your D and whoever else loves you -- to celebrate your birthday.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
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Posts: 1,065
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Thank you so much for your posts Roist, Blu, Cherry and Gump and for the birthday wishes! I had a lovely day today peppered with a few tears. I had lunch at a local pub with my D and one of my friends who treated us both and then I had family and friends over to mine for pizza and cake. Not bad for a Tuesday birthday!

I'm sorry about my meltdown this morning. I knew the last few days would be tough with my wedding anniversary and birthday within two days of each other but I didn't know it would be this tough. I feel like I have gone one step forward and ten steps back!

Roist at the moment I am doing LRT which I am finding really tough and confusing. I so want to tell H to stick his birthday text but I promise I won't! I just said 'thanks' in the end. He also sent me a generic birthday card with butterflies on the front. I think I'm going to tear it up and bin it!

Blu, even though my sister thinks H should know how much I am suffering I have no intention of letting him see what a mess I am at the moment nor do I want to talk about reconciliation with him. If he asked to come back tomorrow I know I would no be ready to start piecing. I recognise I am just not in the right place now nor strong enough to forgive him for the hurt that he has caused me. I know I need to work on myself so I can become stronger in order to deal with whatever the outcome might be. I just need to pull my finger out and stop procrastinating!

Cherry your right, they don't understand the db-ing principles. My sister suggested I stop reading the DR book as she doesn't think it is doing me any good. In her opinion I am letting him get away with it by not confronting him. It's so hard to explain the principles to other people as they just see it as you being weak and letting your S get away with it.

Gump, i agree that he is doing stuff out of guilt however the two little kisses at the end of his texts are actually a kick in the teeth for me as he used to put at least six kisses so he has downgraded me!

I really want to send him the following text but I know it would be a nail in the marital coffin so I hope you don't mind if I write it here to get it off my chest:

'H, I received the generic birthday card from you. Just to set the record straight in case you are confused. I am not your friend and never will be. You might have scuttled off to your little one bedroom flat to lick your wounds, although I am still unclear what caused them as you will not tell me, but I am still legally your wife. You might have removed your wedding ring in an act of childish defiance but I am still legally your wife. Please don't send me a card which you would send to a friend or acquaintance, it is upsetting and insulting. I would rather have nothing from you.

I am also finding it hard to understand why your family have decided to not even acknowledge my birthday. It makes me wonder what you have been saying to them or are they just embarrassed or showing their true colours. Spineless like you?

I have taken a lot of s**t from you over the last 8 months, throwing your tantrums, ignoring me, refusing to talk about what was wrong and then you treat me with such indifference. You constantantly lie to me throwing me crumbs to show you might be open to reconciliation but then you take no action. Is this just to ease your guilt? Again I find that insulting from someone who cried on our wedding day but at the same time could not even send me a message to find out how I was on our sixth wedding anniversary.

I had a wonderful birthday today with people who love and care about me and who I can truly say have my best interests at heart. I thought I couldn't survive without you on a day like this but guess what, my heart is still beating and my lungs still inflate. Therefore, for now, I am firing you as my H until you can get your s**t together and be the man I married six years ago and not the selfish, spiteful, spineless individual that you have become.

Coly

Thanks guys, that felt cathartic!


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Makes me think I should write my own letter, just to get it off my chest!


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,065
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Do it Gump, it felt so good!


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Journaling - I really need to pull myself together. First day back at work and I am really struggling. Don't know if I need to get signed off for a couple of weeks to get my head straight but I have been trying so hard to avoid doing this. I have also decided to take down all our wedding photos. It's too hard to be reminded ever day of him and what he has done.

I spoke to my D about it yesterday and she is reluctant for me to do it as she says we are still a family. I tried to be gentle with her and explain that we are not a family anymore and it just broke my heart. She is still insistent that all he has asked for is space and time and I need to be patient but I feel like the process for moving on is being stalled a bit by her insistence that he is going to come back soon.

The whole LRT/going dark is also confusing me. I have managed to not contact him but sometimes I need to because of D especially at the moment as she is going to be doing work experience with my sister-in-law and he is going to help with picking up and dropping D off during the next two weeks. Is it ok to have these interactions? Does it mean I am not doing true LRT if I interact with him or is LRT only to stop you from initiating contact that might be perceived as pursuing? So far I have tried to keep any contact to a minimum and devoid of any emotion.

I am also worried about seeming too angry when I see him. My emotions are so out of whack I can't trust myself to act 'as if' in his company when all I want to do is punch him in the face! Sometimes I wish I could just hibernate for the next year or so....

I am really struggling with this whole DB process as well. I have read the book over and over again and I understand the principles but it is so much harder than it seems. Maybe I should just stop trying so hard to do the right thing but it's so hard when he is in my head 24/7. I just need to find a way to evict him as he definitely doesn't deserve squatting time in my thoughts!

Oh well back to work. Hope you are all having a more productive day than I am!!


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Ugh I'm sorry to hear that you're having a hard time of it. It is hard, and people meaning well telling us "they may come back" just doesn't seem to help us really. Personally, I hope for the best but I'm prepared for the worst.

I'm glad you got that message out of your system to us. Sometimes there are things we would love to say, but you have to stop yourself and think is it actually going to change anything. A month, month and a half ago when h started saying he thought he wanted a d- I must admit I layed into him. It just spewed out. It didn't help, didn't really even help me if I'm honest. Especially when they are at a stage when maybe they want a reaction out of us to justify their behaviour- so don't give it to them. I admit, last night I listened to him and I validated his feelings, I didn't agree, but I validated. Rather than being confrontation, he looked rather weak and very depressive. I owned the conversation, he actually thanked me for listening to him.

It's hard to try and get by without thinking about them, I thought I was doing ok, and then a ton of things brought him back into my mind. He's in a chaotic place right now, you wouldn't want him like that, so you just need to remove the thought and stop consciously thinking you need to detach. Just keep doing little things that help you. Regularly meet with friends, give yourself a pamper, start a new exercise class. Just anything that is for you. My god it's hard, it really is. But everyone promises that it gets easier- we just have to take the focus off them.

And re the wedding pics. That is something I'm debating, I also have many pics of me and h, or me h and baby, or him and baby. And I'm not sure wether or not to take them down. My thoughts at the moment is that he is still the father of my child and s likes to look at them. Right now they are still there, but if they begin to really bother me and are a trigger, then I will have to take them down.

With regards to LRT, it's kinda impossible to go completely dark when you have children. The way I see it is that if I absolutely need to contact him regarding s I will do. Other than that, I'm dark.

Chin up, focus on you. Leave him to his chaos.


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
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Your D15 sounds wise and resilient beyond her years. You are lucky to have her. Very.

I had my wedding photos right in front of me at my desk at work, pinned all over a cork board, but after a while I moved the board behind me. It didn't bother me, but I just felt like it wasn't consistent with reality any more.

I spent a lot of time at work just staring into space. I told my supervisors and close coworkers, and they were very understanding. Most importantly. I forgave myself for doing that.

There's a new song by Mudcrutch (Tom Petty's acoustic band), called "I Forgive It All." I listened to that a million times. (The video on Youtube features Anthony Hopkins -- what a face!)


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
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