Trying to detach - ugh...

[Cherry]

Be kind with yourself, accept that it's painful, acknowledge the upset and let it wash away.

I'm actually surprised at how not phased I am. I don't know wether I'm starting to detach or wether my anger with him is pushing me away. We too where on holiday last year for our A. But I absolutely knew he wouldn't do anything today, he can't even be in the same room as me right now and he told me he was filing so I had no expectations. It's just a day, it may have meant something once but now it doesn't. He forgot my birthday earlier this year during one of his sprees of dipping in and out of the R.

Sounds like a little temp checking from him. I hope she told him you were just fine!

[Coly23]

Thanks Cherry. It's a tough one though, I've also got my birthday in a couple of days too so I think the tears will probably flow again.....

My D was vague with my plans which is what I asked her to be. I think she just told him I was going to the gym and then out and about...

[Cherry]

That's good that she was a bit scarce on the details. Maybe he's getting a little curious as to what this beautiful woman is doing now she is out of sight..

Ugh that's tough, I know it's way easier said than done, but expect nothing of him. Make plans to spend the day with your D or arrange something with a friend so you have something to look forward to.

[BluWave]

Hi Coly,

I am glad you had a nice holiday with D. In a greater perspective, that matters more than anything, and that she (and you) can have postive memories during this time.

I wouldn't worry yourself with what D tells him or what he is thinking. Mind reading never works! None of us know what he is thinking and feeling right now and focusing on that is the opposite of what what DB is. I tried to mind read a lot when H was gone and after he came back we talked about several things---and you know what? Even in the most obvious circumstances, I was wrong! So don't waste your energy on that and don't allow that to take away from focusing on you. Those that continue to mind read are only allowing the H to continue to hold power over them. Take your power back everyone! :-)

The anniversary is hard. I am sorry. During our 10 year wedding anniversary my H and I were split. He was off with OW (who had used to be a friend) during that time period and it was devstatsing. I wondered what he was thinking and feeling during that day, and again, turns out I was wrong. So as hard as it is, find ways to enjoy holidays or distract yourself entirely.

If you find yourself spinning, go back and read Sandis rules, it's a good foundation. Reading and posting here helps too, but keep in mind that not everyone understands the principles. A lot of folks are in crisis and are DBing while looking over their shoulder or trying to win spouse back. It doesn't work.

Unfortunately this can be a long, long process. Keep staying dark, no contact, continue to lean on your support people, don't mind read, and mostly focus on you and how to start feeling better and getting stronger. It is only over time--sometimes months or even years--after H experiences a loss, and possibly sees you moving on, that we can begin to measure if DB is having an effect.

What if it doesn't? Well more importantly YOU will feel better and develop better tools to have in all your future Rs. It's about YOU know.

(((Coly)))
-Blu

[Coly23]

Hi Blu, thanks for checking in. It is so hard to not want to know what he is thinking especially on a day like this. I've not had any contact with him except the Thursday before the holiday as mentioned previously and apart from today I haven't really wanted to contact him at all. I guess all these firsts like anniversary and birthday are going to be little bumps in the road that I need to get over!

To keep my mind of it I have been doing a bit of GAL'ng today. I've organised to see one of my friends and her family tomorrow for tea/wine and cake, organised to go away and stay with friends on H's birthday weekend in October, been invited to a BBQ by one of H's friend's and W this weekend and another one of H's friends and W have invited me to go see a band in a couple of weeks time! I'm definitely going to go out for something to eat with my D and anyone else who is around for my birthday on Tuesday! I'm getting there slowly...

Thanks so much to you and Cherry for your encouragement today. It has been tough and even worse as I had an early flight this morning (been up since 3.00am and it's now 7.05pm) so I am tired as well as emotional!

[Coly23]

Journaling - had a good night's sleep but still feeling very emotional today.

At the moment I feel like I'm in a catch 22. I am feeling too much emotion towards H and the sich and I know in order to stop this I need to detach however the act of detaching is making me feel sad and emotional. Should I just be recognising that whilst slowly detachiing I am going to still feel emotional and accept that I will grieve the loss of my H and the marriage as part of the process? I don't know it all feels so wrong. Struggling today...

[ForGump]

the act of detaching is making me feel sad and emotional.

I've been thinking of the word "unhitch" rather than "detach." I try to have my emotional well-being unhitched from the madness that my WW is going through. So I think of it not so much as "distancing" myself from my WW, as being untethered to her emotional life, not caring, not feeling forced to respond. All the while trying to remain kind -- not just to my WW but to all.

My IC thought it's actually a normal and healthy response to "detach" and "distance," and I should just own up to it. She said that's a very normal response when someone breaks your heart and is leaving you.

[Coly23]

Thanks Gump. The annoying thing about my sich is my H is being annoyingly nice when we have any interactions which is confusing me. I have gone NC since the first week in Augusr during which I have had only a couple of exchanges, the first one was him inviting me and D out to lunch by text (which as you know I turned down) and the second was when he came into the house when dropping D off. Since then i've had nothing from him at all.

Yesterday I had to break NC as D wanted to order an album from iTunes and she contacted H to see if it would be OK. Historically H had his card details on there for any purchases but shortly after he left I noticed it had been removed. I thought fair enough and added my card details on there instead. Although I was a little p****d as I thought he could have had the decency to tell me! However he gave D permission to buy the album which I thought was a cheek, so texted him to remind him that he had removed his card. Apparently he says he didn't remove his card but thinks it could have removed itself because his card had expired and he forgot to update with his new card details. I do believe him as he has his other card details on our Kindle, which I have been taking full advantage of, and he hasn't said anything as yet. Anyway he apologised for this and we had a few text messages after that. He hoped i had a good holiday and hopes I have a good day today (my birthday!). Lots of blushing face emojis and as usual two little kisses.

Cried a lot yesterday and today I feel is going to be tough. Not sure where to go from here. I'm so confused... Back to NC again I suppose... :0(

[Coly23]

Just had a meltdown this morning, crying uncontrollably. My sister and my D are very annoyed and say that my H should know what a mess I am. Also my sister is encouraging me to have an R talk with him to see whether he is open to reconciling. I am so confused about what to do!

Just had a text from him wishing me a happy birthday and hoping I have a lovely day. Part of me wants to go back to him and tell him where to stick it! I know that wouldn't be right but I do need some help on how I should respond so I don't sound to grateful and not too cold. Of shall I just not respond at all?

[roist]

Bad days are to be expected. We all have them. It us a real struggle. Better days are ahead. What can you treat yourself too today? A birthday treat to momentarily feel better about yourself.

I can see no advantage in letting H know how your are struggling.He will not come back out of pity or guilt and being all over the place is not attractive to anyone. A better place to focus would be how to struggle less. I have not fully caught up on your situation so I don't know fully what you are or are not doing.

Similarly I doubt asking him to consider reconciliation will be helpful either. Let's say he is only 80% sure he wants out. Making him express his sentiments/opinion more likely than not will only increase his certainty. Better to leave that 20% grow on its own as it will be stronger. You can help it grow indirectly by improving yourself.

To do that you need to figure out how to get out of your current low. You will have to be mindful of your interactions and yes that includes telling him to stick it!. Why not just text back a simple thank you and leave it at that.

You seem to have a habit of dwelling on things especially related to H, good and bad.thinking and rethinking about the meanings of this or that interaction or comment will keep you stuck.

Focusing on other stuff really helps, better still if with people you enjoy being with. GAL activities can be as little as a 15 minute walk to an afternoon shopping to a weekend break..... actually there are no limits (except financial!!)

If this sounds hard, I mean it to help. Best wishes