The Fight for Self II

[RSG]

Thanks CT and Gump. It is a step forward, I really didn't expect her to say that...


My therapist definitely talked about listening vs fixing things, and she says I'm really improving there. Also, I've seen it criticized in some circles, but one thing Men are From Mars Women are from Venus drives home is this dichotomy. I think W notices how I don't offer solutions anymore, but I also try to speak that way around other women so it becomes a habit rather than something I'm practicing.

[CT1118]

No solutions, validation: After speaking w/ WW and offering what I said earlier in an email about being there to listen, she replied back "yup". My thought was she is oblivious, but something will come in later - it did. Two hours after that she wrote "...sorry I was so short earlier"....blah, etc. I validated heavy and referred to the way she handled s4 where she assumed I would not have approved in her initial email:

"What you did below, I was not thinking you were rewarding his bad behavior. I was thinking how gentle it is that you love him so much and just want him to be alright, even when he can’t understand. You did the right thing. There are no promotions or awards for the job you do with him. But you are great at this job [name of WW], you are an excellent mother. It makes me proud to know our son has you beside him and I truly mean that."

I sent it after WW left work, so no reply, might not get one - either way I learn what work or what does not. However, I meant it. It is in the best interest of my s4 that I keep her R w/ him well. I have read before here that this position from the LBS is not always understood, but the way I see the world is thru lenses that have my toddler imprinted on them. If I have to suffer setbacks or personal defeat to promote his better world, so be it. Again though, I meant it; she has failed me, perhaps even herself, but not necessarily him up to this point. I cannot control her, only myself and my response was controlled and with a goal to help her in helping him.

Would think all with small kids in similar sitch's would understand when I say that I would burn this whole earth into the dirt and still protect s4's mom if it meant he was better at the end of the day. I did not offer help, as I cannot w/out telling her what she is doing wrong and what I do right w/ s4. I take no pleasure in observing her struggle w/ him. All I can do is gently validate and remain detached.

[Luv1589]

Dear CT118,
Kudos to you for being a big enough man to put your sweet son number one regardless of anything . Too often The adults are the ones that act like kids when there is a difficult family dynamics going on. I don't always agree with everything my husband does regarding our kids but at the end of the day I know he is doing the very best job he can and he's always doing what he considers best for them . BTW he was raised in a single parent family and wasn't lucky enough to have a dad who cared but he made sure to always be a great parent. So my point is caring adults will raise good kids .IMHO

[Wonka]

CT,

You asked a while ago to stop by here some time. Just wanted to say "hey" to let you know that I will when things are a bit more settled from my end. Posted a bit more info in Coconut's thread if you are curious.

Chin up....

Talk later, alligator.

[CT1118]

CT,

You asked a while ago to stop by here some time. Just wanted to say "hey" to let you know that I will when things are a bit more settled from my end. Posted a bit more info in Coconut's thread if you are curious.

Chin up....

Talk later, alligator.

Well, Wonka - my posture looks better already.

[CT1118]

OK, so today's contact: She opened with a text responding to one I sent yesterday afternoon. She was laughing at something I said. We exchanged some banter. Then she got to work and saw the email I posted (I was right, she had left work before reading). She said she really needed it and thanked me for sending it. The exchanges went on all day and was entertaining, flirty at times.

I picked up s4 from school and took him to the LC for a group play session; his first one. She preliminarily suggested ADD, separation anxiety, and problems expressing emotions combined with a need to be the center of attention. No sht I thought.

Got home and while taking s4 to pool he tells me that mommy had (name of OM) to her house for a sleep over last night. I took it calmly and asked about 5 questions to clarify - he is 4, so not all sentences make sense. Wile he was swimming I was thinking about it. I did not have the anger like I did last weekend where I thought about restraining orders. I just thought perhaps I should tell her this is it, I'm out. Zero dark thirty. But then I realized, that would change nothing. Nothing at all. She wouldn't stop seeing him. Not while in the chaos kid state of mind. MLC, only self-driven.
I went NC dim for a while. The result were her freaking out, but still sticking to her guns, still doing what she was doing. It worked, but then I switched up to revealing more personality, but I was still hanging on. My freak out last week when I heard the OM met my son made me realize this. So on Tuesday, I began treating her with validation tactics again, but also slipping in subtle connection items into my communication. Literally communicating like I would have treated women when I was single - as in maybe I am interested, maybe I am not, you can't figure it out. That was/is also getting results as her communication desires skyrocketed and I would cut them off right at their peak. This approach feels less like me lying, its actually more of my real self. I most likely did not explain that part very well. I can come back to it.

Things is, way I feel right now, I have detached. I do not feel fear over this. I got here, I did it. I cannot see that going total dark would make a difference now. I've already been DIM and it felt like I was trying too hard and it felt like a response to her, not the real me. Plus, part of how I got here was by being dark when we were MR, so going dark would just look and feel like old self returning. That said, the fear is gone. I will still not initiate divorce. Then my s4 would just have two confusing sets of parents. I still do not want divorce. That is because I still believe something positive that is a new version can happen (notice I did not say return). But, either way, I have no fear.

I have had three women texting me tonight and W is not one of them. I did not see it coming, nor did I begin any of it. All of them from three distinct points in my life and one of them out of nowhere I know 20 years ago. I did not flirt with any of them or do any stuff like that. And my emotions, libido, and heart remain unmoved. Best I can tell, only one of them contacted for no other reason than she felt like talking. Point of sharing this here, is to say that the world is big and life is grand. And in the face of something like three women texting me an hour after what my s4 told me. I will not be pursuing any of them or anyone else. I remain committed to me right now and to my son. If W wants a piece of it, still cool with that, but I have lost the fear of it being otherwise.

Seems to me like my last bubble burst last weekend. The biggest fear left was my s4 meeting her OM and now its done and I cant stop it. Month number 9 of the PA approaches in September. I will see what comes. I will sleep on the idea of dark tonight.

[ForGump]

If I were in your shoes -- as I will be soon, I believe -- I would be messed up. Despite all the hurting and heartbreak I've gone through, to have my kids tell me about some OM w/ Mommy ... man, I would be messed up.

So kudos for rising above that. For strength.

But it seems to me that your W is eating emotional cake from you when she gets to maintain a strong emotional connection with you.

[CT1118]

So I guess cut to the chase...what I posted above was a feeling of course. But... what advice/success has anyone had w/ communicating hard issues to W in this sitch? I have read enough to know - the WW and/or MLC is not aware nor concerned w/ the pain they cause others. However, this question is about me or any future M or R.

How can I effectively communicate to her how damaging it is to bring her OM around our s4 right now - especially for a sleep over. He was so confused last night, proven by his questions to me this morning about why mommy and daddy are not together. Of course, do it calmly, show no emotion or judgement - yes, I get that. Other than just stating the facts of the matter and how detrimental and long lasting I think this could be - who has had success communicating something like this and how did it go?

(if you know my story, you know I have already addressed this with her a few times, but evidence only tells me this was the 2nd time s4 met this guy).

Thanks

[CT1118]

GAL tonight, work was an major kick today. I work at a University and all of the students return each labor day time period. Crushing. Normally would go out, but lost all energy. Goes against normal response for me - forcing water upstream to not be introverted, but today there were multiple fires and I felt like I was the only one trained in saving babies (so to speak).
So normal GAL, where I would have gone out w/ new friends/ challenged myself to meet/talk w new people did not happen. Hell, even the mandatory lunch time gym got kicked to the curb today. I did however call my mother...which was a HUGE GAL. This was the woman who beat me, belittled me, and broke me for the first 12 years of life. I have tried to forgive her over the years - many years. I have witnessed her trying to forgive herself. I almost never call her. I have come to peace with her, but forgiveness still always felt far away.

She taught me aggression. She taught me to shut up and hide. She taught me to take my own pain and turn it on others so that I would not feel it. But...but...in all I have gone through in the past 4 years; becoming a father, addicting/kicking drugs, loosing a W, loosing myself, finding myself, etc. I have realized she is a human being, even if a chaos kid. I have always known she was a victim of abuse herself. She was born in NAZI Germany, there is a swastika on her birth certificate which I have. Her father was injured in the first months of invading Russia, got sent back to Germany in 1941 to recover, sired her, she was born in '42 and then he went back to Russia only to survive of all possible shtty experiences in life. She met some unknonwn mixed blood GI from Cherokee, North Carolina that her parents hated who brought her to the states and thus, 13 years after they met, 41 years after they rocked me out on a visit back to Germany,here I am.

I never made her part of my GAL, she existed before GAL and so did my journey with her. I have slowly not forgiven her, but accepted her over the years. But tonight, for reasons I do not know (other than to guess I am different than who I was), I called her and I spoke with her, which I never do. We spoke for two hours. I did not give away my WW's story of the A (mom does not know, but she is a mom - there are some sayings which may apply now?). Yet, I did speak to her open and honestly about where I was about myself, with myself, and about my son. She began crying about an hour deep. I had no emotion; I could blame that on her, but it seems fruitless at this point. She was not weeping, but I do believe she heard some of her own pain in what I expressed about myself.

I am not sure if the saying is women marry their fathers or men marry their mothers, or both, vice versa...whatever. I do know that my mother spent her life severely skull fked from her mother and that my WW is the same way. I also know I resemble my WW's father in many ways. Anyway, tonight I gave my mother more than I have given her in over two decades; it felt decent, correct, and proper. And she felt like a mother who wanted nothing more than to help her son, like she had been wanting to help me for so long, and with a desire that is only felt for things which are very old and very far away.

I am glad I got tired today. I am glad I glad I came straight home. I am glad I called her.

[albac]

Wow CT, your strength is amazing.

Seriously been through some major events and came out the other side a great person. So much respect with the way you are taking your life back for yourself!

Inspirational stuff CT and I'm glad you are finding peace in this life as most of us on here we are nothing like the people we were just mere months ago. I know I have grown more as a person in the last 7 months through this experience of total loss I guess it is in a way something to be thankful for.

Massive respect for you CT, stay strong.