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ForGump

I was the same. Didn't get it for what seemed like forever. I do now. I feel detached. Very happy. That is detached. Perhaps think of it like reattaching. But to you, your core. Who you were and always have been before your W became the emotional vampire. Just stop letting her suck you dry!!! Always good to end with a smile smile

Keep on trucking man.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
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You did pretty well. It seems like the old lady is getting more and more interested in you. But it seems like baby steps. My W hasn't sent me anything like a meme or something to try to induce a laugh...

You're doing a good job of being mysterious as well. She obviously wants your time and is interested in what you're doing, but it may be that she's just a little bored. I'm not really certain as to her status

I honestly can't say much more. I'd keep at it for a bit....


Me: 35 W: 32
S: 4
T: 6 M: 4
Physical Separation official: 5/21
Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son

Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
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Originally Posted By: Surfer

Great Dad, Great Man! Proud of you Son! Soooo much faith in you.


You know it Surfer, and thanks.Best sentence I have read all day.

Originally Posted By: ForGump

You've been at this for about 6 months. I wonder if/when your feelings will shift about giving up on your W. I think it all hurts so much because you haven't given up on her. DB-ing is to not give up.


ForGump, Actually I've only been at the DB thing for 1.5 months (registered 7/5/16). I was on her lies for the 4 or so before that. But my instincts did serve me well to some degree as I knew from the start I had to fix me. I want to clarify a couple things though: I have no intention of giving up on my WW; I do not view this as waiting, this is me accepting that I have a choice. It behooves my time right now to build the self - if either WW or someone else come into the picture one day, I will be a better person from this experience. Anger may be seem like hurting, but I always viewed it more like a heightened mix of frustration & misunderstanding. On the up side though, I feel like yesterday helped in my anger control - I was so mad it exhausted me physically and mentally. I have really felt it move along today in a way I haven't before and I hope it sticks. Sandi did a pretty tactical move to help me w/ this - she posted a quote of something I said from the night before the restaurant incident that she approved of. It reminded me that I was making progress.

Originally Posted By: RSG
You did pretty well. It seems like the old lady is getting more and more interested in you. But it seems like baby steps. My W hasn't sent me anything like a meme or something to try to induce a laugh...

You're doing a good job of being mysterious as well. She obviously wants your time and is interested in what you're doing, but it may be that she's just a little bored. I'm not really certain as to her status


Mystery while showing that I don't need her is the objective right now. And I don't need her, I do want her, but those are two different things. And I don't want her the way she is...not sure if you recall a post I put up a while about knowing my W was floating around somewhere in the prison of the WW? Anyway, I have successfully made that W bang on the glass and wave once or twice. If, like I said to ForGump, I can get my anger down (or gone b/c is a road block to detaching) I will be even more capable of bettering myself than I am today.

Baby steps indeed sir.


"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies.
BD: Feb '16
D: Mar '17
Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing.
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Originally Posted By: CT1118
I do not view this as waiting, this is me accepting that I have a choice. It behooves my time right now to build the self - if either WW or someone else come into the picture one day, I will be a better person from this experience.


This is excellent. I need to meditate on this.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
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CT,

Glad to see you are in a much better place then yesterday. You are doing the best you can keep it up man.

Something you just said I think about a lot. The whole WANT and NEED thing.

The same as you I WANT my W I certainly don't need her. To be totally honest I am much better of in all aspects of my life other then what I want.

It just goes to show what you think is important is nothing when you have been taking what is truly important for granted.

I now have more money, more time, no stress about providing for my family. But I would trade it all in a second to go back to how it was.
This is one of my biggest indicators to me thinking my W is just done. She had taken a massive drop in standard of living to leave. Obviously I wouldn't want her just to stay because it's easy but the fact she is willing to put herself in a tiny unit over our family home and put herself into a hard place financially struggling week to week it kills me.

And your post about need reminded me of what my W said when she hit me with the bomb drop the night she left. She said "I don't NEED you anymore" never really thought much about it but in ever needed her I wanted her. For her to say that make me think she stayed around for quite a while because she felt she needed me.

Anyway not trying to hijack just thoughts about the whole want and need situation in most cases the truth is the WW needs the LBH and LBH doesn't need the WW. Yet here we are trying to get back the person who ripped out heart out and ate it for breakfast. Humans are strange.


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Reading Coconut's thread a few minutes ago reminded me of the pain I had. Reading albac's statement above reminded me of my 'need' to show it. For the first 2 months after S, the WW and I would go out still - dates. R would come up, she would cry which led to me crying. Two adults crying in a fine restaurant telling themselves how deeply they loved each other, but acknowledging how deeply painful that love became. This was painful for us both, then we stopped. A month later, I was at WW's in May and we had wine together. After putting s4 to bed she asked me to sleep w/ her. Not sure how, but I backed out, need vs. want. Then on July 4th I found out her A was still on. By July 26th I could not stand and called her out for a 2nd time. I did it over the phone. I never posted her reply. Her it is unedited, save the names; I did put some parentheses in a couple places to indicate what she was speaking to. I could tell she did not listen to all I had said, as she asks me to let her go, which I had told her was happening when we spoke:

"I’m not sure what to say, I’m not really sure what to write I guess.
Yes. You are right, I am moving through a lot of anger. I’m moving through a lot of regret. I keep myself busied with bullshit to not really deal with any of it, as usual. I imagine that I will get tired of this at some point, but right now it fills up time to not think, to not process or let myself care.

That is what he is. And that is all he is. (WW is referring to her OM in this opening. She called OM bullsht on the phone earlier)

I don’t want your love right now [CT1118]. It goes without saying that you and our little boy are the strengths in my life and the beautiful core of what is right and true and real in this world. And I meant it when I said I didn’t really deserve it, I know that you hate that and maybe one day that will change, maybe not. (She stated on phone that knowing I stilled loved her was painful)

But that is how I feel about myself. I guess I have felt that way a long time. There is a lot of damage that has been done to me. I am not asking for sympathy on this, it is only fact.

I tried you know? I tried really hard with us. To fit in a box and dress it up and be a good wife…but I’m not. I don’t think I have it in me. Maybe one day. Maybe not.

I don’t regret you. I don’t regret [name of s4]. These are the gifts that I think if there is a God I was gifted with.
But I cannot stand still to watch you hurt. Please just let me go. Do not try to save me. Do not try to stop me as I will only continue to hurt you.

Live your life and let me indulge in your happiness when you allow me to be a part of it. I only wish to see you happy and grow in your solidity and peace.
Maybe I can get there someday.
I love you."
[End]

So, didn't speak or comment. She txt'd me that night and asked if I read it and was I ok. I sent her back a picture of th rock wall I was climbing and said sweaty was a better adjective at the moment.

I responded to the email the next afternoon:

"You’ve always been a selfish jackass [name of WW] and my ADHD has never allowed me to be good at sympathy. Let’s no hold it against each other...as you wish [M nickname of WW]."
[End]

Two days later I got the late night call w/ tears and apologies. August 1 was the last time she told me she loved me on the phone and I did not say it back. The above email from WW would be the one I spoke to when I said my IC shed a tear while reading.

So when I think about the pain I am in, I cannot pretend that my WW is not also in pain. I think you can see in her response that she is in the A to cover up other pain she feels. Many old guard have explained why people use A's to do that. Affairs hurt and destroy. And need...no I do not need her, but I do still want. WW does not want, but she sure does act like she needs. This is the paradox.

I hope by posting this it sheds light on why things are so confusing. Clearly, I could have posted this weeks ago, but it was very personal. It was really feeling my heart cut while reading C-nut's post that made me think of putting it out there for some to learn, some to get insight, some to feel inspired.


"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies.
BD: Feb '16
D: Mar '17
Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing.
S6


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Originally Posted By: CT1118
Live your life and let me indulge in your happiness when you allow me to be a part of it. I only wish to see you happy and grow in your solidity and peace.
Maybe I can get there someday.
I love you."
[End]

So she is running around the victims triangle.

She is in immense pain by her writings.

Let go.
As she asks.

You didn't break her and can not fix her.


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Yes, she has pain, no doubt. Urgent danger triggers two things - fight or flight. Living a youth trapped in that mental state of stress,except you can't seek flight and you are too young too fight will do lasting damage.

Imagine being on an airplane which is crashing for 40k ft. You can't run, there is nothing to fight - oh, and just to make sure you have no time to make peace with what's happening, let's say the plane recovers, then fails, then recovers, then fails...gaining 1k and loosing 2k in elev. each time until you just wish it would crash so the stress would stop.That's my childhood, hers too. You can be seemingly normal, happy in your M, happy as a parent, happy in your adult life. then one day something happens, something replays a movie from your life, it's bad and you view it as the inescapable truth of now as well as then. You want to prevent it. Except your not a kid anymore, some find a way to run - some turn around and fight.

ACE....Adverse Childhood Experience. A scale created in the 1990's based upon statistical analysis of real,world people. 1-10 categories each worth 1pt. Any score over 3 will statistically result in some detrimental effect on adult health/disease, emotional behavior, and social behavior in their lifetime if abuse is left untreated. The higher the number, the likelihood of a shorter lifespan by up to 20 years increases exponentially; example, 6 or more and the person has a 4000% greater chance of using IV drugs that the average bear. That ain't no extra zero either. Cancer, chronic, pain, addiction, permiscuity, diabetes, obesity, depression, inability to form relationships, learning disabilities, mental illness, etc...all chances increase immensely with a higher score. Beauty is, this can all be addressed if the background is known.
Like all statistical science, it helps place things into perspective, it helps facilitate understanding, when I took it for IC it helped make the repair of me feel that much more vital.

My score is a 7 of 10.
My WW score is an 8 of 10




Today I got Off from any DB I think. Not sure what it was. We both were taking s4 somewhere. She wanted to ask about my ADHD diagnosis, did not expect that. Had questions about it; what I was doing, how did I feel, was mind working better, more focus? I thought, why not, can only be good if she hears it, we did not really discuss beyond a couple emails following my initial diagnosis. I slipped into being an actual human around her for 20 minutes, just speaking to her like someone who has been asked about an issue they care about for themselves, showing what they learned. Took care of s4 and moved on. Been a strange day.


"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies.
BD: Feb '16
D: Mar '17
Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing.
S6


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Originally Posted By: CT1118
Today I got Off from any DB I think.... I slipped into being an actual human around her for 20 minutes, just speaking to her like someone who has been asked about an issue they care about for themselves, showing what they learned.


That seems to me, the perfect DB. You just treated her like a regular person, not someone special. That's how I see the best DB.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
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CT, how goes it today bud?


Me39
M11 : T13
D9
BD 5/31/16
In House S until 6/21/17
Divorced 10/5/18
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