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Glad you returned to post an update. It doesn't matter if you have something exciting going on...we just want to know that you are okay.

I think it's wonderful that you are thinking about getting a keyboard. I think you will enjoy practicing and playing again. A great stress reliever too!

Well, your h may think that if he drags things out, you'll stop pushing for a divorce and separation of the assets, which includes the business, so he'll continue to toss out things that he knows you'll not agree to, therefore, he'll tie things up for quite some time. Your h is desperate to keep the business the way it is because he doesn't want to have to get a large loan to pay you off. To him that is more responsibility and accountability as well as stress to ensure the company stays a float. He's quite comfortable w/the way the company is operating right now and the income coming and expenses of what goes out. He doesn't want that boat rocked by any means.

You'll know more about where his head is at when he returns soon. Keep your duct tape handy as well as the STFU smoothies because he will more than likely get a bit miffed that you aren't backing down on what you want out of the business deal.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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You need to send me the recipe for batch-preparing those STFU smoothies 2T! You are doing so well sweetie, you should be proud of yourself. I think you are right to be worried about his behaviour. I'm glad your attorney agrees your H's behaviour is completely bonkers, and that his requests are indeed unrealistic.

Goo on you for not going for those post-D options that he suggested, I hope he doesn't have too big a tantrum for not getting his way..

Hugs and kisses xxx


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





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Thought I'd post an update (and jot a few things down that I don't want to forget).

Thanks for your posts, Job and Esame.

Surprisingly, I didn't need the STFU smoothies or the duct tape this time.

H was here a week and I must say it was the closest we've come to interacting with each other in a normal way in years. The stress/anxiety level was very low and I was pleasantly surprised.

I was able to confirm that he is taking an anti-depressant, so maybe that has something to do with his change in mood.

In the good old days, there were several dishes that H always cooked that I really enjoyed. He asked what meals he could make for me that I'd missed and he cooked two of them.

We had one relationship talk (which he brought up) a couple of days before he left. When talking about a D settlement, he was more reasonable. He floated a few ideas and I was just honest with him. I told him what I needed and why and pointed out he would do the same. I ended up saying I'd mull over his proposal and get back to him, but felt like we were making some progress. His reply .... there's no hurry; take your time. I was a little surprised as there seemed to be a great deal of urgency a few weeks ago.

In any case, I feel a little relieved that we were able to have a productive discussion and he wasn't so adamant about having everything his way. I don't feel like I'm about to go to war and that has taken a lot of stress off me. Hope it continues that way.

A few things I learned ...

He remarked at one point that he was tired of people telling him what he should do. I knew I hadn't done that so I asked, "Who's telling you what to do, if you don't mind my asking?" He said the OW was telling him he shouldn't be like his friend (whom I mentioned before .... still married, hasn't lived with his W in years, has a long-term GF and he and his W have no desire to D for money reasons.) I figured OW was what all the D urgency was about. Then he said his friend was telling him he was crazy to get a D. He didn't offer anything more and I didn't ask, so I have no idea where pushy OW stands at the moment. My gut says that has faded.

I just replied that it's okay to listen to what others suggest but to keep in mind they don't walk in your shoes and they can't possibly know everything that goes on in your mind. I told him that in the end, the only one who can know what's best for you is you. He agreed.

We had a few convos that were more personal in nature and we also talked about where we wanted to go in life (after D). I was very candid about what I needed to do and what path I intended to follow. Without actually saying it, I subtly let him know (again) that this wasn't the path I would have chosen for myself, but I plan to make the best of it.

I asked what he wanted to do with his life and he responded he had no idea.

Bottom line, it was like two good friends sharing stuff. It was kind of nice.

He got a little frisky and flirtatious a couple of times and planted a couple of kisses on me when I wasn't expecting it.

Just an over-all good visit. I actually enjoyed having him around. He's calmed down, but I suspect the AD has a lot to do with that.

There was a time that I would have found such a positive interaction a reason for hope, but I've walked that road before only to be disappointed. I'm no where near ready to let my guard down. He has a lot to prove to me before I'll do that. In the meantime, I just keep moving forward and making plans for how I want to live my life in the future.

One interesting thing that does have me curious, though. I checked his itinerary for the next visit home (I have his ok to check that account) and discovered he booked his flight to leave here a few days before Christmas. I half expected that, but it still stung.

Anyway, I sent him a text and said I was sorry to see he wasn't going to be here for Christmas and added "I have to admit I'm a bit disappointed" and that Christmas wouldn't be the same without him. I thought long and hard before sending that message and decided it is pretty much what I'd say to any family member or good friend under the circumstances and went ahead and sent it.

I got a somewhat cryptic reply about having to get a flight booked and it could be changed and he had been working on a plan. He said he planned to be here for Christmas and added, "trust me."

I replied back that it would be great to have him, but don't change his plans just for me and that I certainly didn't want to pressure him to be here.

When I talked to him the next morning, he brought it up and said he was working on something but wouldn't know for sure for a couple of days. And again said he would be here for Christmas.

Okay. We shall see.

I'm headed to my son's for a visit this weekend and will be going to a family reunion for Thanksgiving.

Still enjoying my football.

I've cut back time at the office a bit so I have a bit more leisure time and that's nice. I just have to avoid the mall. Not a good place for me to be during "leisure" time - especially when I have the urge to do so redecorating and Christmas is right around the corner.

I hope everyone is doing well.

2T


Me: 59 and holding
H: :53
Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown
M: 19
T: 23
BD: 9-23-2013
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2T nice to hear from you.

I'm glad your H's last visit was better, I wish you can continue to build on the friendship. Strangely it is what I crave at the moment in my R with my H. I can see that we cannot go back to how things were, but I wish we could be better friends again.

I hope you will have a nice weekend with your son, and a great family reunion.

Take care xxx


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





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Thanks, Esame. I hope we can rebuild the friendship and I hope that you and your H will be able to do the same. It is one of the hardest things, I think ... missing that "person" you were always able to talk to and turn to when waters got choppy. It's tough.

The Christmas mystery has been solved. He wants the two of us to go away on a short trip for a few days over Christmas. I agreed to go and now we're trying to figure out where.

So, in the span of 2 months he's gone from insisting on D to wanting to take a trip together. I'm confused. confused


Me: 59 and holding
H: :53
Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown
M: 19
T: 23
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Let's hope he's not planning on taking you to his home planet.

It will be interesting to see whether he prefers a place familiar to you both, or a new place.

Nice to hear from you. Sounds like you are doing well, keeping busy and all that jazz.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Quote:
Let's hope he's not planning on taking you to his home planet.


ROFLMAO!!!!

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Well, HaWho and kml, if he is planning to take me to his home planet, that would be a very interesting trip!

He has thrown out a couple of options (places we haven't been to before), which I checked out and agreed to. They both look like fun.

The whole thing is a little disconcerting because I have no idea what's going on his head and what he's trying to accomplish. A test to see if we still travel well together? A test to see if what he thinks he's feeling is the real deal? Time to persuade me to come around to his thinking re a D settlement? I have no idea. I feel like I'm on stage and don't quite know how I'm expected to perform. But, I'm just plain curious, so I'll take center stage and see what happens.

He talked about a trip we took where we sort of fell in love and I suspect he's trying to see if the "magic" will happen again. That's discouraging because there is too much water under the bridge for that to happen and I'm not "head over heels" anymore. I don't think he'll find the "magic" which is what he's looking for. He's looking for a spark and I just don't know if there is a spark in me ... too much skepticism about his motives.

But, hey, it's a cool trip and I will enjoy

I wanted to post a few things that were said while he was here. It may or may not help others dealing with a MLC spouse.

He said he knew he had screwed up. I validated (maybe I shouldn't have) and said I thought he had made some poor choices. I asked him why, once he realized that, he didn't try to walk it back or fix it. He said he knew when he made the decision to go forward and turn his EA to a PA, that he knew our R was over.

Basically, he was saying, that in his mind, he was closing the door on our R and it was over. My impression is that he now regrets what he did, but he blew it all up and now there's no turning back.

He went on to say that he knew he'd "do it again."

I find it sad that he thinks that way. It tells me he doesn't trust himself. But, on the other hand, it tells me that he doesn't want to hurt me again, so at least I know he does think about me ... that protection instinct is still there. I don't know if that helps anyone or not, but it's how my MLCer thinks.

Regarding living his life the way his friend suggests - stay M for finances but live separate lives - he said he didn't want to do that and implied that it wasn't the right way to do things. He said didn't want to be that kind of person.

I've made it very clear that my morals and my vows are still important to me and I've shown that by living my life (through this h3ll) in a way that shows that. I told him a while back that a lot of people would think I'd be justified in getting involved with someone else but I "couldn't do that." I could be way off base, but I think holding myself to a higher standard than he's succumbed to has resonated. My impression is that he admires that. I could be way off-base, but I feel like I can set an example that he can follow ... the lighthouse.

He told me that when he has a first date with a potential OW he always screws it up by telling her how great our R was. I asked him why he did that and why didn't he just keep that to himself. He said he wanted to be honest. Huh??

My take is that he sabotages the R before it even begins and if the OW is so dumb she can't see through it, she will get what she deserves ... the boot cuz she will start applying pressure. So I'd say to those who are dealing with an OW/OM, follow the advice here. Let OW/OM start applying the pressure. You can be the "safe haven" of sanity, patience and understanding.

I don't know if any of that applies to anyone else. All I can say is to stay strong. Be true yourself.

Like everyone here, I would love to save my M, but at some point you have to take of yourself and your kids (if any).

Best to all.

2T


Me: 59 and holding
H: :53
Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown
M: 19
T: 23
BD: 9-23-2013
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Hmmm... Seems like a touch to see if you're still there?
2, if you've learned anything, it's to take things one day at a time, right?

Trust doesn't come quickly, but it seems he's at least trying to put things together in a way to gain some trust.

I know from talking to some friends who have gone through this on the other side that 'feelings' wax and wane. I have a friend who is going through this now. He's the one that instigated. Most of the time he wants to make things 'work' but at others, he 'feels' like he'll be fine if it doesn't. He describes his time with OW as 'hell on earth' and describes the ways he created a story to make it work and justify it in his mind.

I think that's part of it. Your H is not happy and is taking steps to get right.

Take each day as it comes and see what happens. Open book to be written. But don't expect. Just enjoy in the moment. His feelings will likely move around a bit.

I like your approach to have your life. I'm just suggesting that you make room. Or rather, leave the door open and see what happens.

Peace,
AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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well, send us a postcard from Planet MLC!
Seriously tho' you are handling things very well. I like that you're protected, yet open to see what will be revealed. You've found your center and you're firmly there. THat's so wonderful! I agree with AJ's about leaving the door open and seeing what happens. xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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