HaWho, I found that "challenge" from H interesting as well. My attitude is pretty much that it's not my problem to solve.
Job, I do intend to have a valuation of the company done. H has already asked our accountant to do that, but I have no idea what H told him to "look" for or how he said he wanted it done. The accountant is a good guy and I would normally trust him, but I fear if H said I want an eval that covers this and only this, that's what the accountant would do.
It frightens me a bit because we had a valuation done about a year and a half ago and last week H tried to tell me the business was worth about a third of that figure. Sales have been off a little, but certainly not that much. I'm going to ask my attorney to recommend someone to do an independent eval.
H is trying to be on his best behavior, but it's the little things, you know. We'll be having a conversation, there will be a lull and he'll pick up his phone and start playing a game or texting people and just zones out. It's just plain rude and I find myself wondering if he does that to his friends.
I was watching a football game last Saturday and he plopped down next to me on the couch and asked if he could watch a recorded show. Now, we have other TV's in the house. He didn't have to commandeer the one I was watching.
On a more positive note, I had a medical screening test done yesterday and he drove me there, brought me home, prepared and cleaned up dinner.
He also read me a text he had sent to a friend that was lamenting not being able to "find that person." H told him that the right person was out there and he knew that because he had found that person and then screwed it all up. He said, "You see. I do tell people how wonderful our R was." So????
Somehow, we got on the topic of Karma a few nights ago. I said that there had been things I'd done in the past and I felt like I eventually paid a price for that ... Karma. He said he believed in Karma as well and that he was paying his price now.
I see a lot of regret in H. I just don't know if it's regret for how he's treated me, regret for what he's done to his own life or some combination of both. Probably a combination of both, but my feeling is that he's more regretful for the damage he's done or is doing to his own life than anything he's done to me.
Oh well, nothing I can do about that. He has demons to face and only he can conquer them ... if he ever chooses to do so.
I hope everyone has a great weekend.
2T
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Their behaviours is crazy isn't it? How can someone that believes in Karma treat people around them this badly? It's insane! I'm glad he supported you through your medical though, that was nice of him.
At the beginning of this I hoped that I would see some regret too, but now I don't know if there would be a point! In a way it might even drive H even further away. Then again I might feel better if he does, who knows..
Take care 2T xxx
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
H left a couple of days ago. We managed to get through 2 weeks in the same house without fireworks and only the one disagreement I mentioned earlier.
He did a little yard work for me, grilled out a couple of times, was very good about doing dishes, etc. He even got a little flirtatious a couple of times a few days before he left. He was pinching at my rear with the long grill tongs and at one point, grabbed my face with both hands, tilted my head up and planted a kiss on my lips. But, he had had a few beers, so I don't put any significance into any of that stuff.
This may be kind of jumbled up because that's the way things are in my brain right now.
H still insists he wants a D "for closure." He said we were "already divorced" and our marriage was just a piece of paper. He said, "You're not in love and I'm not in love so there's no point in maintaining a M that is a farce."
I just replied that I was sorry he felt that way. I said that it's not the "piece of paper" but what it represents. I said that to me it would be like saying a wedding ring was just a piece of metal, and (again) I was sorry he felt differently.
He tried to insist that even afterwards, he will still "be there" anytime I needed him and all I had to do was call and he'd get on the next flight. Yeah, right.
At one point, I told him I had a question and would really appreciate an honest answer. He said, "Okay." I asked if he wanted the D so he could pursue a more serious R with another woman. He said no. He said he wasn't seeing anyone. I brought up the OW he told me about in June (I think - I'll have to look back through my threads) and he said he stopped seeing her "months ago."
I really don't know what to make of that of answer. I fully expected him to say yes. He had no problem telling he wanted to pursue a R with OW during MLC Part 1. If he's still involved with someone now, why deny it when he's already told me an OW is in the picture? This OW sitch is making my brain hurt! I know, I know. I shouldn't have asked the question in the first place.
He said he understood my feelings that I can't stay in the company after a D and that he was disappointed. At some point he again expressed that he was scared about what would happen if I left but understood that I was the type person who was either 100% in or 100% out. Then he went into the difficulties and expense of replacing me AND trying to buy me out at the same time (assuming that would happen).
He still insists he will not get a loan to buy me out of the company, will not drain his savings, etc. He is pushing for a "no cost" buyout where he pays me over time. Uh, no.
He also said he does not want to give up his investment in our home.
It was full court press and then some.
One amusing thing was the valuation the accountant did of the company (which I will accept and be good with). It came in higher than even I expected! Suddenly, H realized that my proposal was actually less than what I should be entitled to. Later that day, he launched into a speech about how he wanted to be fair and he appreciated my willingness to take less, but I was entitled to my full share and he didn't want to cheat me ... but he's not doing this and he's not doing that and back into trying to wiggle out of paying me upfront. Huh? I'm confused. You want to be fair but on your terms?? Okay, got it!
Then he went behind my back and told our manager that we were getting D and he was buying me out and she would really have to step up her game ... learn everything she could before I left.
When I expressed my displeasure about talking to her without me (it should have been something the two of us did together, in my book), he said he didn't tell her we "were" getting a D, but that we were talking about it. He said, "I wouldn't tell her that because it's not definite yet." Okay, so I'm scratching my head. She says he said one thing, he says he said something else and then throws in the little tidbit about not "definite." If your goal is turn 2T's brain to mush, you're doing a very good job there, h!
A couple of day later, he told me he had decided to sell the company. Huh?? I just told him that was up to him. It made no difference to me whether he kept it or sold it.
(HaWho, how in the heck do you do this?)
As I said at the beginning, all this is jumbled up in my brain and it may take a while for me to sort through it all.
My unspoken question to h is, "Do you want a D? If so, come up with the money to make it happen and stop throwing up all these obstacles to gum up the process. And stop insisting that I be the one to come up with a way that doesn't cost you money."
I want to shake him and yell, "Hey, Dude. D's cost money. No one comes out with everything they want and no one wins. Wake up!"
In spite of all that craziness, I did keep the duct tape in place and really didn't challenge anything he said. I did tell him I would have legal representation and I would be making an appt with my attorney. He took that fairly well.
So that's a recap of the latest visit.
The ride on the crazy train is a wild one, but at least I've reached the point that I can handle the twists and turns and keep my focus where it should be - on me and my best interests.
My best to everyone. 2T
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Oh wow. I read this and just thought for his sake I hope he can not make any decisions right now. He is ALL
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
He really is all over the place and his emotions are spinning. I agree, w/HaWho...I hope he doesn't make any major decisions while he's spinning like a top.
He really doesn't want to buy you out because he doesn't want to give you any money...it's all about him and maybe he's hoping that if he tells the staff about the situation, maybe you'll back down on wanting him to buy you out. He's lost control of the situation and now he's going to try to manipulate you and the staff by saying things that may or may not be true at this point. I think he was very disrespectful to speak to the staff or person w/o you being there. Now, you have to do damage control since he's gone again.
I honestly don't trust him at the moment because he's desperate to ensure that he doesn't have to buy you out or take out a loan. Whatever he decides to do, he better sit down w/you and discuss it and not just try to sell the company out from under you.
I hope that you can get the business settled up and leave him to himself to figure things out. Keep your eyes and ears open...(which I know you are doing).
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oops, I accidentally hit the submit button, probably because I was practically on the floor laughing.
Anyway, he is ALL over the map (and the map has holes all over it). Everytime he opens his mouth he contradicts himself. He needs the D for closure and yet says it's not definite. Geez.
I always have a favorite comment of his. This time it's the "no cost buyout!" What a great idea! I pictured him explaining this to you as he goosed you with the BBQ tongs (it completed the picture). Don't worry 2T, I am sure your h will remember to pay you each month. His proiorities are in tip-top shape, after all.
All kidding aside it is scary he is on the brink of making such HUGE decisions when his judgment is still so impaired. It's actually sad as he has so much to lose.
As for how I do it? I have this radio station in my head and it's accessible on demand. It plays: All the Leaves Are Brown." When my h "talks" to me he might even see just a music note in each of my eyes.
Awesome job listening and zipping it.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
oh my God Ha, I can just picture it ... H's voice as Charlie Brown's teacher with the Mamas and the Papas as the soundtrack!
2T ... God love ya girl, great job not jumping on the crazy train with hubby ... i'm beyond impressed that you didn't react, despite all the provocation.
xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thanks, Job, HaWho and bttrfly. It is scary to think H is trying to make major decisions while he's in the state he's in. Very scary. I try to stay on top of things but it ain't easy when someone is spinning like H is.
Job, I don't think he could sell the company out from under me without jumping through a lot of hoops. He has no access to the financial software (doesn't know the passwords) and he'd have to provide a lot of that to a potential buyer. Our accountant has all that info, but he'd have to get on board with H's shenanigans and I don't think he'd jeopardize his license by doing something along those lines. Still, I keep my eyes open.
I also agree, Job, that telling our manager about the D was a ploy to make her as scared as he is and provoke her to talk me into staying on after a D. What H doesn't realize is she feels very capable of running things without me and she completely understands why I wouldn't stay. In her words, "I don't blame you." Attempts to rally her to "his side" won't work. She thinks he's treated me horribly.
HaWho, humor helps, doesn't it? My song has become the one by Colbie Cailatt - "Never Gonna Let You Down." I found that one running through my mind A LOT the past couple of weeks. It sure helped keep my centered.
While he was here, I put myself in "experiment" mode (ala Cali) and listened to all his suggestions and ideas about how to "solve" this mess and how "damaged" he would be if I did this or that. All I could think was, "Well, you did this. You made your bed and I've given you ample opportunity to get you act together and you've chosen not to." At one point, I did tell him that I was sorry we found ourselves in this place, but I didn't cause it. He agreed with me.
The saddest part to me is it's obvious that he knows he's messed up, knows he's made a mess of his life and feels a great deal of guilt, but he keeps looking for the easy answers to his problems through self-help books and groups, and by manipulating/lying to people. And he's still looking outward to place blame and is wallowing in victim-hood rather than looking inside and facing (and conquering) his demons. But I've turned all that over to the Man upstairs. I can't help H. Hopefully, some day he will find the courage to do the hard work and help himself.
I hope everyone has a great weekend. I'm about to settle in for some college football and "game snacking" indulgences.
xoxo 2T
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Wow. I can't believe how long it's been since I posted, but there really hasn't been much to update.
I've been enjoying college football and "my" team is doing well, which makes Saturdays even more enjoyable. I'm headed to my son's in a few weeks to attend a game in person with my son and grandson. That should be fun.
I started another series of facials. I was so pleased with the photo-facials I decided to go on to the next series.
I'm giving some thought to buying a keyboard to "relearn" the piano. I played a little many, many moons ago and would probably have to initially start from scratch, but I'm hoping it's like riding a bike and I can pick it up again fairly quickly. I haven't pulled the trigger, but I'm thinking that will be a Christmas present to myself.
On the MLC front, I saw my attorney after h left and he pretty much agreed that h was in La-La land as far as what he wanted in a D.
I did tell h I'd seen the attorney and h responded "we'll talk about all that when I get back." His usual reply to anything other than business or the weather. My fear is that he thinks the attorney came up with some magical way of everyone getting what they want. That would be part of the fantasy, I suppose.
I have done as I promised and given his various "options" a lot of thought, but they all end up with me agreeing to a buyout from the company at some later date after a D, whether I continue working or not. So essentially, I'd be turning over control of my financial future to my XH and I would have to go begging to him if some catastrophe (God forbid) came along that required a large amount of money. Uh, I don't think so and I really can't believe he thinks I would do that.
That leads me to wonder if he really thinks he can persuade me to do something that dumb or if he's just throwing out options he knows I would never accept for some other reason. Who knows.
Maybe I'll get some insight when he comes back next week. I'm a little more apprehensive than normal about that. He's been strange on the phone. Even our manager mentioned that he wasn't acting normal. He's been "too nice" and "happy." He's been strangely laid back even when we advise him of things that should be upsetting or get him fired up. Kind of odd. He even called me this weekend - from one of his social events - just to "say hi" and he hasn't called me outside the office in months. He did ask if it was okay to stay here, so maybe that was the purpose of the call.
I did ask my IC if that behavior could be the result of taking anti-depressants and she said what I was describing didn't sound like something AD would cause, but she couldn't be certain.
I feel like I'm venturing into the unknown. But I have the fridge stocked with STFU smoothies and a large supply of duct tape on hand. I'm also quite grounded. I know that whatever happens, I'll be just fine. But I will never agree to his D options and we all know that when a MLC doesn't get his way, things can take a nosedive quickly.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
I know, I know. I shouldn't have asked the question in the first place.