6 Months since she said i dont love you (4)

[Natus]

In my mind, I have to ask the question if WW is willing to work things, would I choose that path or would I be strong enough to not go that route and be with someone else. Otherwise it is not fair to the other person right? (ie see uphills thread, dropped the new girl on a dime).

I have asked myself the same question over and over even before official separation. I just dont trust her to not to do this to me again. This wasnt a mistake. She did this when we first met, dated and now marriage. This is who she is. Its just taken me this long to see it. I honestly dont believe there is a way back even if she came banging on my door.

It is hard to not be with someone else, but you haven't even been separated for a month yet. I think it would be a band aide for you.

Thats a primary worry hence why i havnt pursued it. Especially since i like and respect the person.

What are you hoping to compete in? I think I missed that.

I did some amateur kickbox and mma. Not a friendly sport for the aging.

I like the expression you used......"powered through". Easy enough to understand the application to physical exercise. I think it is a good term in explaining how a LBS needs to be proactive in helping himself to survive the devasting fallout of the WW.

You are sounding a lot better, Natus.

Thanks Sandi. I guess im more focused on "powering through" and trying to build a life for me and my s5 without the W. Still hurts but the M is no longer taking up my headspace.

[MMM1919]

I am too committed to act on any feelings of attraction to anyone else, and I also know a new relationship at this time would be awful for me.

That said, the fact I am even looking at and noticing other men is huge for me. It feels like letting go a bit. I never looked at other men when we were together.

[Natus]

hi MMM1919. I too was committed. After being continuosly shot down for almost half a year i'm not anymore but that nots whats driving it.

Another thing is i dont think or want to get back together, i just cant. I cant let her do that to me again. Even if she completely 180 and started loving me for reals i dont think ill be capable to opening up to her again and knowing her she'll find another.

Like you im starting to notice other women but i wont be making moves for awhile.

[Raul]

in the movie a father misses his kid and that hit me hard. After the movie i walked back to my car then broke down crying listening to some recording of my son saying goodnight.

I know how that feels. I do the same type of thing. Just hits me, sometimes when there is some obvious reminder, other times just out of the blue. Hits me hard, grinds me into the pavement.

Reading this, I feel so blessed. I'm sorry you both are going through that. My WW left me with my 2 daughters. At first, I was somewhat taken by it since I suspected our daughters will prevent her from being with the OM. But now I don't care. I get to tuck my daughters, say good night with a kiss. Then start my morning by waking them up to get them ready for school. Something that I thought a mother must crave, unfortunately NOT my WW, but lucky for me cause my daughters are my world and my happiness. Again, my heart goes out to you guys.

[Natus]

Hi Raul, i have my son half a week and that itself is a heartache every time i have to hand him over. Glad you have your daughters.

[Raul]

@Natus,
For the last 3 months, it has been this way. But not sure if she will try to get custody after she files for D. But I have a back up plan and a good lawyer if she does. I have been documenting every time they are with me and how many times they are with her. Usually only two days out of the week with her. And even then, my daughters don't want to stay with her.

This past Saturday, my oldest daughter called me crying to pick her up. I told her that her mom wouldn't like that and to please spend it with her mother. My daughter said that her mother doesn't care. And I hear her mother say in the background if she wants to go then pick her up. That literally broke my heart. But I put my foot down and told her that she will have to get use to this arrangement. I cried after I hanged up. Not sure if I will do it again. This will make it the second time that my daughter wants me to pick her up. She said it doesn't feel like home and mommy is always talking to someone on the phone.

[Natus]

Had a horrible dream last night. In my dream i was trying to get back together with her. Literally woke up and scolded myself "dont you [censored] dare!"

Pissy start of the day. Going to go have an unhealthy breakfast.

[Natus]

2nd day in a row plagued by weird ass dreams. I blame the handover, making me emotional.

Im starting to wonder if half week rotation is good idea. Takes a day to get settled then two days later hand S5 to her.

Pros. I got the weekends to myself. Great for GAL.
Cons. I dont know maybe im whining cause i get to see son during her days cause i dont work Fri afternoons and she does so i spend the afternoon with him before she gets out of work.

Our schedule.
Sun Noon - Weds AM: S5 is with me. I get the whole sunday afternoon. Then Mon - weds theres work/school so its mostly me putting him to bed then waking him and getting him ready for school and sending him.

Weds PM to Sun AM: S5 is with her but i get to spend Fri afternoons with S5 cause i only work half a day on Fri. Sometimes i also pick him up from school on Sat and spend a few hours with him if she has work or something.

This setup is pretty sweet in that im single on weekends and i get to spend way more time with S5 then she does but i miss being a family and a full time daddy. If i could i would love for him to live with me permanently (wife not included).

[Raul]

Had a horrible dream last night. In my dream i was trying to get back together with her. Literally woke up and scolded myself "dont you [censored] dare!"

Pissy start of the day. Going to go have an unhealthy breakfast.

I have a few vivid dreams about my W. She usually gives me crumbs about being with her. I am happy. Then I look and she is gone. Then I wake up depressed.

[albac]

The dreams are stuffed. It's just our brain not even taking a test when we sleep. My dreams are scattered but the less I see W the better.